Last weekend, I decided to watch The Giver, a movie based on the dystopian novel by Lois Lowry which I’ve somehow never managed to read. In the film, civilization is controlled by The Elders who protect the people from pain and suffering. However, the removal of the negative emotions has also caused a cascade that likewise eliminates positive feelings as well. Characters receive a daily injection to help suppress their natural emotions and to keep society stable. Starring well known actors such as Jeff Bridges and Meryl Streep, the film utilizes black and white filmography with occasional color to powerfully illustrate the blandness of a world without emotion.

The viewer can understand the instinct to want to remove pain, especially when one selected young boy is learning about those things which cause pain and upheaval in society. The images of war that are shown as he begins to understand negativity are truly painful for someone who is sensitive (like me) to watch. Likewise, the extinction of elephants was a horrid scene for me to watch and contemplate since they are one of my beloved spirit animals. At the same time, the viewer gets to watch the young boy joyfully discovering music and dance, practices removed from society because they possess too much emotion intrinsic to their existence. Likewise, love no longer exists in this world. People merely tolerate and appreciate those in their assigned family units.

As I watched The Giver, I felt synchronicity at play again in my life. I recently spent a lot of time with a man who was afraid of emotional pain. As a result, he was unwilling to take risks that would create pleasure because he didn’t want to feel the pain that was an inevitable result of that risk taking. Mind you, I’m not a crazy adrenaline junkie. You won’t likely ever find me bungee jumping or climbing Mount Everest. However, I am willing to try new activities and enter into relationships with new people who might not seem perfect for me from the start. I know that there’s as much potential for pleasure as there is for pain, and that risk is worth it for me.

We see this most often in our relationships with others around us, especially the relationships that involve love. We know when we enter into any relationship, it will eventually end. Most romantic relationships end with a break up. Others dissolve upon death. When we add pets to our family, we know from the start that we will most likely outlive those pets, yet the joy and love pets bring to our families and our lives is more than worth the pain that their deaths impart. Furthermore, as part of being human, any relationship we enter is bound to have some pain in it. We don’t mean to hurt each other, but we do. It’s part of our personal growth experience.

Since my relationship with the man who was afraid of emotional pain ended, I’m left wondering how many around me are also afraid of emotional pain. I question how many people shut down their lives in an attempt to avoid negative experiences, yet in reality, they are only depriving themselves of pleasure as a result of not trying to feel anything at all. I suspect it’s far more people than I want to believe.

What my experience with this man boiled down to is that living without pain is not how I choose to live my life. There’s no question that life is filled with emotional, physical and spiritual pain. Yet I choose to move forward, leaning into that pain so that I can experience the pleasure that is on the other side of it. Sometimes it’s hard to judge if the pain is worth the pleasure because pain can be truly horrendous. Yet at the same time, pleasure can be just as overwhelmingly powerful if we allow it to be. As the lead character of The Giver says so accurately, “If you can’t feel, what’s the point?”

© 2016 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

When I first heard the title of Going Home Grown Up: A Relationship Handbook for Family Visits by Anne F. Grizzle, I knew it was a book I needed to read. Much to my delight, the fabulous content of the book more than lived up to the enticing title. While tackling a difficult and painful subject for many people, Going Home Grown Up also manages to be amusing, engaging, and highly educational. Grizzle knows her subject well and delivers it in a form that is accessible to most readers.

Early in the book, Grizzle points out something that is so amazingly clear that I sat there for quite a bit wondering how I had never thought of it before. We all know that relationships with romantic partners take effort and even work to keep alive and healthy. So why do we expect our relationships with family members to be any different? Grizzle then navigates the reader on a course of learning how to create better relationships with our families of origin and eventually with our families that we create.
​
As Grizzle takes the reader through this difficult journey of creating better relationships with often dysfunctional families of origin, she utilizes vivid imagery to help make her points all the more vivid.

References to popular culture such as The Wizard of Oz, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Robert Frost, Pinocchio, and Lenin’s tomb all fill the landscape of her book, helping make Grizzle’s points clear and well-illustrated. She has amazingly keen and highly insightful wisdom peppered throughout the book. Much of it seems obvious yet at the same time, she phrases it in ways that are novel and beneficial for creating true change.

One of the most important premises of Going Home Grown Up is that we cannot change others: We can only change ourselves. Yet despite that seemingly oppressive limitation, Grizzle helps the readers to make very significant changes in their lives which have the potential to create change in the relationships they have with their families. At the same time, Grizzle is also very realistic that sometimes the reactions from family members will be the opposite of what the reader wants. She recognizes that it all can go wrong and it all can blow up in the reader’s face. In those situations, she helps prepare the reader for the worst while hoping for the best.

The book almost becomes a workbook, peppered with questions that Grizzle encourages the reader to think or journal about. Actually doing so allows the reader to stop and absorb the lessons that Grizzle shares while simultaneously applying the information to one’s own life. While the reader may have many “aha!” moments reading the text, other insights will come from working through the challenges that Grizzle lays out for her readers in text boxes scattered throughout the book.

While the book becomes a tad too religious for my taste at several points, the vast majority is such that it is acceptable to anyone of any faith or lack thereof. Going Home Grown Up helps readers accept their families rather than holding them up to unobtainable standards. Grizzle encourages her readers to take vital steps to “grow up” in their own eyes and the eyes of their families so that future family encounters can take a different tone. Even if one cannot create change in one’s family, one can create change within one’s self that will allow greater peace with the lot we have been dealt through our families.

(The file below is a list of questions that can be used for book or discussion groups or for personal journaling.)

©2016 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), an official diagnosis in the DSM-V, is a rarely diagnosed condition for many reasons. Most narcissists have a grandiose sense of self and don’t believe there is anything wrong with them. At most, they believe are victims of others’ imperfection. Thus, getting a narcissist to a therapist can be very difficult. Once in a therapist’s office, many narcissists are able to perform beautifully. They know how to act in order to maximize the sympathy of those around them including therapists who aren’t clued in on what is going on. Being in couple’s therapy with a narcissist can be demoralizing and defeating if the therapist cannot see through the narcissist’s delusions about themselves and others.

Many narcissists also are blatant liars, adapting the truth to meet their needs. Because they have convinced themselves that the new story is the truth, it’s often hard to pinpoint when narcissists are lying and when they are telling the truth. With my mother, I know that there is some root of truth in anything she told me, but quite often, the stories she shared were highly exaggerated or distorted in order to meet her needs. This is not simply a matter of having misremembered things because time has passed. Instead, narcissists manipulate their tales in order to gain the most attention and to have whatever they are relating make them look like heroes.

Because it is difficult to be able to diagnose someone who is so proficient at manipulating the truth and acting out a role as a victim rather than a perpetrator, therapists often miss the diagnosis. It takes time in individual therapy to get to know someone well enough to see through their shenanigans. Only those who have lived with, spent copious amounts of time with, or extensively worked with narcissists are likely to see their true personalities and realities. When only spending an hour a week with narcissistic clients, therapists often don’t have enough data in a short time to be able to see through the lies to the truth.

What I have found time and again is that those with severe narcissistic personality disorder are often easy to spot in group settings rather than in one-on-one or couples’ sessions. Within thirty minutes of a group meeting with someone with severe NPD, everyone in the group can usually tell that something is not quite right with those who have NPD even if they can’t pinpint what the problem is. Narcissists will dominate group conversation, pulling all attention towards themselves any way they can. They find a way to be authorities on a topic even if they have no real experience, and if they can’t succeed in doing that, they quickly switch the topic to something they do have experience in. I’ve also repeatedly witnessed narcissists extensively relating others’ authority-related stories about a given topic in order to connect themselves to the conversation which they otherwise could not speak on.

When this particular type of narcissist is commandeering a group setting, they often talk non-stop for many minutes on end, effectively babbling onto things that aren’t relevant. Even when redirected by a group leader, the narcissists will find a way to commandeer the discussion again so that they are the focus of attention. They really aren’t there to help others or learn from others as they might have said at the beginning of the group meeting. Rather, they are there to gain attention in whatever means they can, be it through sympathy, pity, authority, or flat out domination of the evening.

There is little that can be done to work with narcissists with extreme NPD in a group setting. The best solution is often to remove them from the group and work with them one-on-one. However, narcissists often don’t stay in therapy or coaching for long because of the nature of their disorder. They decide after a short time that they have mastered the situation and know more than their therapists. Alternatively, they find an excuse such as their therapists persecuting them when in reality the therapists are actually calling the narcissists out on their issues and trying to guide them in a direction of honesty and growth. Since most narcissists will not examine the true roots of their problems, preferring to blame all their issues on others, they find fictitious reasons to abandon any healing work that might have helped them grow. Those who do stay in therapy often do so with weak therapists who don’t insist on the narcissists doing personal work. Instead, therapy becomes another avenue for narcissists to get attention from someone who will support everything they say.

Narcissism is a mental illness, and it is a difficult one to live with and work with. Most of the time, there is no cure for it because narcissists see nothing wrong with themselves and are unwilling to work on healing. Most therapists who are educated on narcissism are unable to help narcissists change because the narcissists are unwilling to admit that they need to change. That means that those who spend time with narcissists are left with the options of putting up with the narcissists’ distorted and often abusive reality or ending their relationships with narcissists altogether rather than suffer from the consequences of their disease.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

loneliness is a sign
you are in desperate
need of yourself
-rupi kaur

This poem recently showed up in my Facebook feed. It’s intended to be an inspirational thought. I believe that what it means to convey is that if someone feels lonely they may need to do some soul-searching to find out why they are lonely and what it is within them personally that is causing loneliness. While I can see this statement being true for someone who is surrounded by people and activity yet feels lonely, I found the thought pretty ignorant and insensitive as someone who was homebound for six years and is still limited in her ability to socialize.

The life of someone who is homebound is generally pretty lonely. Our society often forgets about or chooses to ignore homebound people when they stop attending various events as I discovered all too well when I was so incredibly sick. With the multiple chemical sensitivities that I have thanks to Lyme disease and weak genetics, my reactions were severe enough that not only was I homebound but I had to limit who could come in my home. Unless people used all natural and unscented detergents, soaps, and body products, I would get physically sick from people coming in my home. At one point I had my least scented friends come over and help me clean since I couldn’t do it and my ex-husband was not able to keep up with cleaning, everyday tasks, parenting the kids and working full time. The day the friends spent in my house was a highlight of my years of being homebound, and yet I ended up with a three day migraine after they left as “payback” for them being in my house and not being 100% chemical free.

Unless a person has a disease like cancer which is considered a socially acceptable cause to rally around, most people who are homebound end up being abandoned by a large number of their friends. While internet “friends” helped me maintain my sanity while I was home alone, it really wasn’t enough to stave off the loneliness. Most of my former friends didn’t even call any more since they felt awkward and didn’t know what to say to me. Once a month or so I would see my doctor, the nurse and the receptionist at his office. The only other physical contact with adults I had during that time on a regular basis was with my now ex-husband. However, as his way of punishing me for being ill and not being the person he wanted me to be, he would use the silent treatment against me frequently. Thus, I was living with a person who would not talk to me or acknowledge me for days or weeks on end, yet I was too sick to leave this toxic relationship. I was too chemically sensitive to have other people come into my house without giving me migraines. I was also too chemically sensitive to function in the world. It’s a horrid situation of isolation and loneliness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Loneliness may be a sign that some people are in need of themselves, but it’s also a sign that some people have been ignored and forgotten by their family and so-called friends. Some people may have spent ten years alone with themselves and have gotten to know themselves pretty darn well as I did. However, that won’t ever fulfill the need for socialization and love. There is a reason that isolation and solitary confinement are used as forms of extreme punishment in prison systems. They cause all kinds of physical and psychological effects such as warping the mind and causing delusions, hypersensitivity to noise and touch, insomnia, PTSD, and uncontrollable feelings of rage or fear. Isolation can also cause severe cognitive impairment, as well as impairing the immune system and lengthening healing time for those with health issues. As one article on the topic states, “They have proved that long-lasting loneliness not only makes you sick; it can kill you.” The reality is that while we all need to spend some introspective time, we also all need friends to survive. It doesn't just take a village to raise a child. It takes a village to be a healthy human being.

In my case, loneliness certainly was not because I needed to spend time with myself. Loneliness was a horrible side effect of having an isolating illness. Before deciding that loneliness is a sign that someone is out of touch with their needs, perhaps people should consider all the true causes of loneliness and how they might be contributing to others feeling isolated and alone.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

I purchased Emotions: Freedom from Anger, Jealousy, and Fear by Osho to see what I could learn in preparation for my Meetup session on jealousy. It’s a small pocketbook of only 150 pages, and the font is very liberally spaced on those pages making the book seem even shorter than it actually is. I think the book was required to have at least ten comma splices on each page; it’s enough to make a former English teacher like me insane.

The book itself is filled with nuggets of wisdom that I found interesting to contemplate.  Osho uses a combination of prose and poetry to share his ideas. Both have powerful results in some parts of the book. I really enjoyed the section on jealousy. The section on fear was shorter and weaker than the other two sections; it felt only partially developed. One of the final chapters of the book on transformation was nothing more than a redux. Furthermore, I found Osho’s perspective to be seriously lacking in an understanding of the mind-body-spirit connection. While that’s not unusual for a Western medical doctor, for a mystic, it feels like a sign of denial or ignorance. His active meditation ideas in the back were different, but none were compelling enough to make me want to try them. A great number of them involve physical motion which is difficult at this time for me, but it may be perfect for others who have difficulty with sitting still and meditating.

Most frustrating for me was the section on anger. Osho’s view of anger is very simplistic. He believes anger requires two people, yet that fails to explain why we can have anger at ourselves. Equally errant is his belief that one can release anger in only a few minutes by changing one’s thought patterns. Either Osho is not a naturally angry person or anger does not work the same in men as it does in woman. I can go to bed, dream all night about different topics, and then wake up the next morning furious again about something that happened a day or two before. I found most of Osho’s suggestions for releasing anger (such as punching a pillow or running one’s self to a point of exhaustion) to be simplistic and pointless: They aren’t going to actually relieve the cause of the anger and often for me this type of tactic doesn’t even remove the energy of the anger either. Physical exertion just makes me tired and sore on top of being angry.

Despite all of those complaints, I do think there was a great deal of wisdom in the book. Osho is great for “sound bites.” I found many quotes that made me stop and think for a few minutes as I encountered them. I saved many of those bits of inspiration for future mantras for my blog. I’ll also be using some of his poetry about jealousy to open my Meetup session on the topic because it is incredibly beautiful.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

(Apologies in advance for the super long post!)

Three years ago when Jenny Lawson published her first book, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir), I was still mostly homebound, not yet well enough to attend social functions. The night Lawson read at BookPeople, I threw myself a pity party as I sat at home staring at the clock knowing that just 20 minutes from my house there was an event happening that I wanted to attend but my health would not let me be at. It was crazy making for me.

This time around, my life is very different both personally and professionally. I am so grateful to be in a much better place. I’m still not able to do nearly what most people do on an ordinary day, but I am doing so much more than three years ago. Hence, I made plans to attend Lawson’s reading of her new book, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things, switching custody nights and various appointments so that I would have enough energy to attend the event. Yesterday afternoon, my body tried to give me a migraine, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from attending. I took the drugs I can take for migraines and headed out.

As I sat waiting to turn left onto Lamar to get to the bookstore, my stomach started churning with nervousness. Despite how much better I am doing, there’s always the fear that I will get to an event and not be able to physically handle it. I do still have to leave certain situations when the chemical fragrance is more than I can handle. After the issues I had last week around disability accommodations, I was really worried about what the Universe might throw at me. It’s still a physical challenge for me to get from point A to point B, and sometimes I just can’t do it no matter how much determination I have.

When I arrived at Bookpeople, the parking lot was full but mercifully the two disabled spots closest to the door were still available. Once in the building, I debated the stairs versus elevator issues I have, and I decided to take the stairs mainly because it was what other people were doing and since I haven’t been in BookPeople for 11+ years, I wasn’t sure where I was going. When I arrived at the top of the stairs at 6:40 for a 7 pm reading, it was already standing room only. There were no chairs available in my vision nor were there any places to sit on the floor anywhere within visual range of the podium. I approached a store employee and asked him if they had disabled seating; I let him know that I could sit on the floor but I couldn’t stand for the event. He asked if I had called ahead, and I had not because it hadn’t dawned on me to do so. I now know for next time! However, they had a few extra seats set aside as reserved for those who needed them. The reserved seats were in the first and second rows. At first, former Catholic that I am, I tried to sit in the second row (because Catholics never sit in the front row in church unless it’s the only available seating, and even then, sometimes they prefer to stand). However, I quickly discovered that I couldn’t sit in that second row because the seats were too close to the row in front of them and I couldn’t bend my legs at an angle that was relatively painless. So I moved up to the front row between another woman who was likely in her 20s or 30s and a senior citizen couple. None of them were loaded with perfume, thank heavens, so I was ok for the entire reading.

While we were sitting there waiting for the presentation to begin (15 minutes late), the older couple next to me were chatting with each other. To preface this, I have to say that I have issues around fame and people’s private lives being in the public eye. I had to do a great deal of personal work before I could be comfortable with having a website with my picture on it on the web. So part of me still feels strongly that what people choose to share publicly should be respected as the limit; paparazzi, reporters and fans should respect those limits. However, this couple next to me were talking about Hailey and Victor, Jenny Lawson’s daughter and husband, in a weird way that sounded like they knew everything about the Lawsons just from her blog. It was kind of freaking me out that I had managed to end up seated next to a couple of senior citizen stalkers who seemed to think they were actually part of Lawson’s life. It also was a reality call for me to recognize my own prejudice that stalkers are only young people. These senior citizens were teaching me otherwise.

Before the reading began, a BookPeople manager came over to our section with another employee and told us that he would be escorting us upstairs via the elevator to get our books signed first. I actually had not bought a book because I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to handle the full evening and because waiting to get it signed at the last book signing I attended at another store was hard on my body. If I had known that BookPeople was aware of this kind of issue for the disabled, I definitely would have pre-ordered one; I now know that for future events as well. However, I’m actually grateful I didn’t order the hardcover because after listening to Lawson read two chapters last night, I really want to listen to the audiobook. I’m not a fan of audiobooks 99.9% of the time which makes this is an exception to my norm. Lawson also mentioned during her “no pants party” on Tuesday night that there is an extra chapter in the audiobook, so there’s that incentive as well.

When Jenny Lawson finally made her appearance, she looked around with grateful and amazed tears in her eyes and said, “Holy shit, you guys! There are so many of you here." She was greeted with a raucous round of laughter that along with her comment set the tone for the whole evening. It was a truly amazing crowd; I’d bet there were 250-300 people there. Lawson’s phone wouldn’t let her take a panoramic of the whole crowd because it was too big! (My leg is on the far right of the top photo; I’m cut out of it mostly, though.)

Lawson began by reading two chapters from Furiously Happy. After reading one in which she describes the advantages of passing out with a speculum in one’s vagina, she commented that she had been practicing looking up and making eye contact while she read about her body parts at the gynecologist’s office. When she actually did look up during the reading, she saw her grandparents listening to her read about her vagina. She then said, “Hi Granny and Pop-Pop!” and waved at the senior citizens sitting next to me. Oh. No wonder they sounded like they knew the Lawson family so well. They weren’t actually crazy stalkers after all! Not even once did it dawn on me that they might be relatives of hers even though she lives in central Texas.

Moving on to the Q&A session, Lawson began by addressing a question about parenting with mental illness; she gave a similar answer during her No Pants Party. She said that the amount of openness one can have with a child about one’s condition is going to depend on the age and personality of the child. Lawson said that her daughter Hailey knows now that she has mental illness, but Hailey knows that no matter how bad things are for Lawson that Lawson will always have time for her. Even if all they can do is watch Doctor Who or Miss Fisher’s Murder Mystery Series together on the couch, it’s still time spent together. Lawson does not allow her daughter to read her blog though many of her daughter’s friends do. Hailey does get to read anything written about her and has veto power about what is said. There are some things about Hailey that Lawson doesn't share because she doesn't want her to be tormented by mean 14 year old girls. When Lawson does share something to Hailey, she reads the blog entry out loud so she can censor the language in it. Lawson believes that most kids are far more perceptive than we realize when it comes to what is going on around them.

Another woman from the audience asked how one balances taking care of one’s self when dealing with a mental illness and still actually managing to get writing done. Lawson responded that a great deal of it is about respecting the need to not write at times. She admitted that writing about certain topics can be triggering for her, especially the darkest parts. At those times, she had to give herself permission not to write and just take care of herself. She said her editor helped her to see that sometimes the best breakthroughs for writer’s block come when engaged in recreation such as when she was refilling her creative cup such as watching Doctor Who or reading. In addition, Lawson mentioned the phrase, “If you can’t write, just sit down and write.” She said that while that used to make no sense to her, she’s learned that some days that she has to write stuff that’s not very good but which will eventually evolve. Lawson said she’s got a thousand pages of stuff that may someday actually be good enough but they’re not there yet.

On a lighter note, someone asked Lawson if there was a piece of taxidermy she really regretted not buying. Lawson said that she limits herself in that the pieces must not be too expensive, they must have died a natural death, and they need to be old. She said the one piece that she is still haunted by is a unicorn at Paxton Gate in San Francisco which is actually a French horse head. She said it’s not white like the typical unicorn but brown and actually rather jinky looking. The unicorn is missing some of its teeth and is “so messed up.” From there, Lawson went on a very long-winded and extremely funny diversion about her Bank of America credit card recently being put on a fraud suspicion hold because Victor had bought a taxidermied beaver for her at Paxton Gate while he was there with a friend. Any transcript of the story would simply not do justice to Lawson’s fabulous storytelling ability. She’s just one of those people you could listen to for hours while she talked about almost anything because she could find a way to make it funny.

When asked which author Lawson herself would line up to meet, she said that she still has difficulty doing this because she’ll get in line to meet an idol and then panics when she gets close to the front. She said she is a fangirl of anyone who manages to finish anything, but more specifically she loves Neil Gaiman whom she got to meet backstage at an event. She also loves David Sedaris but she hasn’t met him; her friend Dylan Brody opened for Sedaris and got him to autograph a book to Lawson which says, “Any friend of Dylan’s is a whore.” (See comment 68 here). Most of all, she would bring Ray Bradbury back from the dead because he really does it for her.

A more recent fan asked Jenny Lawson why she began the Bloggess. Lawson said that many years ago she was working at a non-profit in human resources ironically teaching people how to act appropriately. She had actually started writing as a child as an outlet for her anxiety disorder. Eventually another mom blogger in Houston decided to quit her job because that blogger didn’t think one could be a good blogger and a good parent. Lawson decided she must be the crappiest parent ever because she volunteered to not only write on that blog but to do it for free. However, she was frequently getting in trouble for what she wrote, so eventually she started her own blog where she could write whatever she wanted without censorship. She said she now blogs to read the comments because the humor from her readers makes her laugh quite often. (And it's true. While I generally abide by the rule "never read the comments," I love reading the responses on her blog.)

Lawson ended the evening with a great question from a man in the audience: “What do you think of The new Doctor [Who]?” Lawson asked if they couldn’t discuss something easier like abortion. After loud laughter from the audience, Lawson said that she is still getting used to him. She thinks that it is an interesting take on The Doctor, and he is “way alien” but doesn’t make a very good human. He’s definitely not her favorite, but for her the pinnacle was Doctor Donna. And with that, Jenny Lawson closed the Q&A and headed upstairs to beginning the signing portion of the evening.

After 75 minutes sitting in the same chair, my body was definitely ready to leave. So much has changed for me physically since just four months ago when I went to see Chris Harrison's book release. When I left the book signing this time, I could feel that my body was exhausted, but I wasn’t having many of the symptoms I had when I walked out of the last event. I didn’t go into a lot of pain last night (aside from the migraine I was already trying to fight off), and I slept really well-- no fibro flares or any other assorted misery. I am so happy that my health is finally returning to a place where attending events like this is a reality for me. It was a wonderful evening filled with great people watching an abundant laughter. I was also incredibly grateful to have a positive experience around disability accommodation thanks to BookPeople instead of the obstacles I’ve encountered in so many other places of late.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

According to one theory of life, the universe, and everything, all of our actions are based in either fear or love. When we make decisions about all of the details in our life, our choices come from a place of fear or love. If we choose to come from a place of fear, then our lives will be fearful and we will see the world as a dark scary place. If we choose to come from a place of love, then we will see the world as being filled with an abundance of love that is available for all who open themselves to it.

I have seen this recently in my life with regards to Craigslist of all things. I use Craigslist quite often to get rid of things I no longer need; I occasionally sell things on there as well. I often have boxes available, so I will post on the free section for someone to come pick them up off my front porch. When someone I knew said he was having the trash company come pick up moving boxes from his house, I suggested that there would be many people on Craigslist who would love to have them to free. At that point, he informed me that Craigslist is a dangerous place and that there are now safe exchange places at police stations in his area for Craigslist users. I didn’t even try to counter this discussion because it was clear he was in a place of fear. I agree that one needs to use common sense when selling high value items on Craigslist. I was contemplating selling a camera lens at one point, and had I done that, I would have required the sale to be a cash or money order transaction which we would have exchanged in the lobby of my bank so I could verify the deposit and so we would have cameras watching the exchange. However, when it comes to boxes, I am not reselling them. No one is going to short change or harm me. I leave them on the front porch, and I let people know to just take the boxes without ringing the bell. I’ve never had problems. I see this as sharing resources that help minimize the damage on the planet, and in a way, spreading love around. I come at it from a place of love.

One could also argue that those who carry concealed handguns are living in a place of fear. Every person I know who carries one lives and works in areas where a gun is unnecessary. They are operating from a place of fear, though, and they can’t feel safe in the world without a loaded sidearm. To me, that is a sad place to be. Even when I was a woman working in a low SES neighborhood and school or as a woman navigating the world alone, I never felt a need to have a handgun. If something suspicious is going on, I dial 911 and let those who are trained professionals deal with the issue. I realize not everyone feels they can safely call in the police, and that is a true problem in our society with fear at its roots, too. However, all of those whom I know who are concealed handgun holders are also Caucasian and not likely to experience negative racial profiling when working with the authorities.

One can also see people who live in fear when it comes to finances. Even if they make an upper class salary, they are certain that they will run out of money. As a result, they becoming stingy with donating their time, their money, and their energy to others. They do not want to run out of anything, so they hoard what they have. However, the Universe seems to function under a “you have to give to receive” type of premise. While I’m not advocating giving away all one’s possessions or even forcing one’s self to live in poverty, I do think we all need to be a bit generous in whatever way we can be in order to keep the good karma moving around. Operating from a place of love dictates sharing with others rather than greedily accumulating millions beyond what one needs for basic comfort and enjoyment.

So how does one go about shifting one’s world view from fear based to love based? For starters, turn off your television as much as possible. The news is by far the worst thing to watch as broadcasts are sensationalized and are designed to strike fear in the viewers’ hearts. Advertising on television and also is often fear based. If you don’t take this medication you won’t be able to function for your family. If you don’t use this highly toxic cleaning product, your family will die of a rare contagion or maybe just get the common cold. If you don’t use this insurance company, you’ll lose everything you own. All of these messages do add up and do begin to wear on your worldview even if you don’t realize it. If you turn off the television and other sources of advertising for several months and then come back to it, you’ll be surprised at how insidious the messages seem.

As you go forward, try to select love-based activities in your life. You could go to a bar and drink heavily on Friday night, or you could go to a yoga class. You could go to the beach to find a hookup for the weekend, or you could join in a service drive or charity event. I’m not suggesting that you never participate in solely recreational activities, but consider whether or not you can make your recreation time more constructively loving rather than self-serving or hedonistic. If you do whatever activity you have planned, ask yourself who will benefit from it. If the answer is more than one person, especially if those people are strangers, you’re on your way to changing to a love based process of decision making.

When you are faced with choices in your life, begin asking yourself not only what is the right thing to do but what the loving thing to do is as well. Try not to let fear rule your decisions. Even though you may be scared about making a loving decision, follow your intuition instead of your fears and see if you can make your life and the lives of those around you a bit happier.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

There’s no profit in jealousy. ~Quark, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

In Season 6, Episode 7 of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, one of the leading characters named Quark is dealing with jealousy. He is a Ferengi, a species known for believing that “earning profit was the sole meaningful goal in life, superseding all other endeavors.” When one of the other characters teasingly asks Quark if he is jealous, he replies, “There’s no profit in jealousy.”

Quark is right according to the theory of scarcity and abundance thinking. This theory promotes the idea that if you see the world as having a deficit of time, energy, or products to meet everyone’s needs, then your world will be defined by scarcity. You will struggle to have enough in your life because you believe that the world is that way. In contrast, those who believe in abundance will find that there is always enough of whatever they need. So a person who is jealous and operates under the motivation of jealousy who be viewing the world through a scarcity model of thinking, and as Quark warns, that person would find no profit.

As I have been working on preparing a meeting on jealousy for my meetup, I realized that one of the ways in which I have dealt with jealousy in my life is through a scarcity mentality I previously held. I was raised in a family that was raised by those who grew up in the Great Depression. My grandparents had to leave school after eighth grade graduation to get jobs in order to help keep the family fed. The whole nation was living in a time of scarcity. As anyone who has known people who lived through the Depression knows, many of them did not let go of their fear and scarcity mentality even in later years when finances were stable for them. Those who were in fear of losing their money again were often very conservative-- if not downright stingy-- with their money. They passed this scarcity mentality on to their children (the Baby Boomers) who passed it on to their children (Generation X, my age grouping). As the Millenial Generation comes of age, we  are finally seeing the legacy of the Great Depression no longer having the same influence on today’s young adults as in previous generations.

However, I never really had thought about the scarcity mentality as being a part of jealousy. To me, I always labeled it insecurity. Yet one of the major roots of jealousy is insecurity. People are envious of others for having things or talents that they might never have. Those who are feeling insecure become jealous when they don’t work through their true fears. For example, I see insecurity and jealousy manifest as a scarcity mentality among many of the alternative healers in Austin. I have watched one healer greedily scarf up any resources I am willing to share with her and others in our circle so that she can build up her files, yet she is unwilling to share any of her resources publicly. I have experienced an intuitive publicly demeaning me during a meetup so that she could look like the more gifted psychic. In another situation, I had a healer refuse to acknowledge my part in a joint healing we did because it was more than his ego would allow.

All of this is nastiness is insecurity rooted in the scarcity mentality: Individual healers are not able to accept that there is more than enough work in the world for those who are talented and willing to give their best to their clients and patients. The fears are rooted in ego, not grounded spirituality, for the fears show no trust in the Universe. If the healers are on their correct path, then they will receive all the work and financial support that they need to be happy in life.

Every once in a while I do feel the green-eyed monster rising up in me, especially when I see other people whom my ego has judged to be less talented than me achieving things that seem way beyond their abilities and reach. I have to pull back on my own reins and remind myself that different people are on different journeys in their lives. Each of us are meant to experience different things at different times. When I see people flocking to a healer whom I know is dangerously misguided, I have to remember that that healer is teaching his/her/hir clients an important lesson in life, one that I might have already learned but which other people still need to grasp. For me, the lesson at that time is to remember that there is abundance in the Universe, and that I am walking the path that I am meant to walk. 

I believe that if we put faith in the Universe and if we follow our intuition and stay on our correct path, then we will often find abundance. That doesn’t mean we will never experience times of drought or pain in our lives, but when we do, those times of drought are often meant to help us grow and change in ways that will eventually bring us greater abundance than we could have imagined. Keeping our egos in check and in the words of our teachers, “keeping our eyes on our own papers” will help us to grow and prosper rather than wallowing in jealousy, fear, and insecurity.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

This week, I have been working on preparing an October meeting for my Meetup group on jealousy. I asked members which topics were of greatest interest to them, and to my surprise, jealousy came out near the top of the list. Jealousy is not something I have dealt with at the levels other people have, so it took me a minute or two to think about when I have been most envious of others in my adult life. The first thing that jumped to my mind was paint envy. Yes, you read that correctly. I have spent the past 10+ years being jealous of other people’s colorful paint jobs in their homes. The walls of my house were painted right before we moved in 14 years ago, and they are a very serviceable and resellable white. However, after 14 years of dogs and kids and regular life, the walls are showing lots of wear and need a new coat of paint.

When my ex-husband and I made the decision as to who was going to stay in the house and who was going to move out, there really was not much of a decision to make. Because of my chemical sensitivities, it made the most sense for me to stay in the house that we’d spent thousands of dollars upgrading to make it safe enough for me to tolerate. It has electric appliances, has all hardwood and ceramic tile floors, and hasn’t had fragrance or chemicals used in it in 12+ years. Finding a house like that is a needle in a haystack, and finding another for me in our price range that meets my needs seemed like a very daunting task. My ex wanted to move to a new location to start over, and I really understood that feeling. I was jealous that he got to leave and I had to stay in the house where I’d felt like I’d been trapped for all of the years of my illness including the six that I was homebound.

As we began dividing possessions for him to take things with him, I asked if he would take the white dishes we had registered for as wedding presents. Ceramic dishes don’t usually need to be off-gassed, so this was something that I could get new and not have to worry about reacting to any chemicals on them. My ex agreed, and so I set forth in looking for new dishes. I knew I wanted Fiestaware, and I knew I wanted color. Lots of color. I told my kids that they could help pick out the new dishes I was going to buy. My older son jokingly told me he wanted orange plates with sharks on them. I told him I couldn’t help him with the sharks, but we could have orange for sure. He thought I’d gone crazy that I was letting him have his way with the dishes, but since orange was part of my plan, it was good by me! We now have Fiestaware in lapis, peacock, cobalt, plum, scarlet, tangerine, sunflower and shamrock. Our table is very festive!

For the first few years after my ex moved out, I could only do limited things to change up the house because my health was still struggling and my chemical sensitivities were still so strong. I rearranged furniture, hung some of my photographic artwork on the walls (which my ex didn’t like so I’d never had it up before), and did a few other little things to make the house feel different. It wasn’t as much as I wanted, but it was what I could do at the time.

This calendar year, my chemical sensitivities have lessened further. I finally hit the point where I could paint the interior of my house. I tested a few paints and determined that Dunn & Edwards’ Spartazero no-VOC paint was the easiest for me to tolerate. My daughter and I spent a few weeks debating colors of paint samples and finally settled on our choices. We bought paint, and as I have energy and time, my kids and I are slowly painting the house. We started with the downstairs bathroom and hallway, and the difference between white and peach paint was radical. All of us were so impressed with the difference. Today we started painting the laundry room a deep lavender. I find myself just standing there and staring at the newly painted walls in awe. I am amazed at how beautiful the color is.

So what does all of this have to do with jealousy? Yes, I was jealous of other people’s paint on their walls. But what I was really jealous of was the color in their lives. I felt like I was living my life all in white, just like my house had previously been. It was the safe choice. My life until a few years ago was the safe and logical choice, too. I was with a man whom I loved but who was not passionate about me. I hid from my metaphysical gifts. I didn’t explore things in the world but rather stayed within what were deemed safe margins. Now, I want color in my life. Not just my dishes and my walls, but my entire life. I am still rational and sensible, but I want to explore new ideas, new places, and new people. I want my life to be truly vibrant.

Sometimes examining the deeper roots of our jealousy can be very telling. It might seem like we are coveting someone else’s new sports car or their fancy house or their promotion, but perhaps there are deeper issues underneath the jealousy that we need to explore. Once we identify the true source of our jealousy, it becomes easier to work on the problem and create a situation in our own lives that helps us reduce our jealousy towards others.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

When I first started reading Embrace the Unlovable: How to Eliminate Shame, Guilt, and Self-Judgments and Come Home to Yourself Using the Groundbreaking The Compassionate Self-Love Method by Amyra Mah, I was drawn in by her examples of herself as a young girl being emotionally abused by mother and sister while growing up. I recognized much of what she described including her experiences in a Catholic girls’ school that made her ashamed of her body and taught her that femininity is something to be hidden. Mah explains that shame is the wide-spread root of our self-hatred which conventional therapy is limited in its ability to heal. As a result, through channeling information from higher powers, Mah has developed what she dubs The Compassionate Self-Love Method which she presents as a way to heal shame and other deeply rooted issues.

Unfortunately, the book started going downhill after her introductory chapters. My “something is wrong” detectors started going off, so I went and Googled the author. While she calls herself a therapist, she could be prosecuted in the US for doing so because she is not officially licensed; however, Mah lives in Thailand where laws are likely different. Her website states, “I considered going back to school and being trained in psychotherapy, and enrolling in courses that would qualify me to work in the personal development field.  But at the back of my mind, there was a voice that said I didn’t need to go through the traditional route of learning.” In the US, the correct term for Mah would be a life coach. However, in a very telling section of her book, Mah shames life coaches and declares them to be people who don’t help with healing. As a holistic life coach who focuses almost solely on healing, I am certain this is completely wrong. Despite the work she has done on herself, Mah’s own inferiority complex still includes needing to put others down to make herself feel better.

Mah is not well read at all and it shows. The book contains no footnotes or endnotes and only cites one other author whose work is on eating disorders. Mah makes a lot of claims about other studies that aren't true based on what I've read, but she claims theses studies that I have read don’t even exist which merely reflects her lack of education. Mah wrote Embrace the Unlovable in 2014 and published it in 2015. However, Brene Brown has been researching and publishing a lot longer than that, just for starters. To write a book on shame without mentioning her works is puzzling at best. In addition, Shakti Gawain has been publishing on topics and healing related to Mah’s work for decades. There are many more as well. Mah is not familiar with their ideas, and if she's writing on shame from a holistic healing standpoint, she needs to acknowledge the big names.

Throughout the book, Mah puts a great deal of emphasis on how The Compassionate Self-Love Method is different and special, and as a result, Mah comes across as one of those people who think they've invented the wheel. Yet this is the same method, minus the fancy name, that so many therapists have used with me in the past decade as I worked on healing. I think that the Mah has assembled ideas that other authors/healers have used for decades and put them together in a novel way, but if the author was better read, she would know that her ideas are not as stunningly new as she thinks. I absolutely believe that she was channeling this information, and I agree it is being presented in a new format, but at their core, the ideas are not new. As Audre Lorde said, “There are no new ideas. There are only new ways of making them felt.”

Instead of rushing to self-publish as Mah did, it would have been better for her to find an editor to help her correct lots of little errors throughout the text. Her writing is beautiful in terms of style, but the book is very repetitious and needs the help of an editor with a red pen with a lot of ink. As mentioned above, Mah needs to read and document other sources if she wants to bring her book up a notch. I understand that she was trying to function just as a channel, but the result is a weaker book. Many of the ideas she presents are not new, and if she’d done more research on the correct authors, she would have found this to be true. Mah also uses terms such as “projections” that actually have the accepted name of “mirrors” in holistic healing. Not having the vocabulary to communicate to her audience is problematic. I also strongly believe that Mah would benefit from a professional mentor, someone who has been practicing holistic healing for decades and who could point out to her where she is presenting old ideas in new ways so that appropriate credit is given.

So after all that criticism, did I find anything worthy in the book? Yes, though I will recommend the book with reservations. The Compassionate Self-Love Method (CSL) is in a way the opposite of the Law of Attraction which Mah indirectly but repeatedly bashes throughout the book. The goal of CSL is to embrace and love the parts of you that you don’t like rather than trying to wish them away through affirmations. To enact the CSL, one needs to:

• "Identify what that the problem/issue/judgment/shame is."
  
• "Connect with that aspect. Accept it as a real part of you."
  
• "Embrace and love the undesired aspect without trying to change it at all. Send love until you feel a shift in your perception of that aspect."

As Mah writes, you know that healing has happened “When you recall the event that triggered the shameful feelings in you,[and] you feel neutral about it.”

On the surface, this is a perfectly legitimate way to heal deeply buried wounds. As Mah argues, our culture tends to run from our pain rather than facing it. I have healed many stored pains in my body by working with them rather than denying them. However, part of the approach Mah advocates perpetuates judgment and blame. For example, she writes, “Send love to the aspect of you that is a bad mother.” Instead I would advocate people try a kinder, gentler way to facing our pain. In my words, people should “Send love to the aspect of you that doesn’t always live up to the ideals you strive for. None of us are perfect, and all of us make decisions and errors as parents that we wish we could change. Love this part of you that is trying its best but doesn’t always reach perfection. It is not a bad part of you. It is simply an area of you that is working on growth.” This way one is not re-injuring and/or harming oneself by continuing to place negative external labels on parts that are inherent to us.

I especially think that Mah missed the boat in terms of external labeling when she discusses terms like "whore" and "slut." Her female relatives called her by foreign equivalents of such names when she was eight years old. No eight year old child is a whore or a slut (and arguably no person should ever be called by those terms). If a child is sexually active at that age, it is likely rape, incest and/or sexual trauma. The child is not asking for sex because the child can not give consent. So as an adult, to go back and try to heal yourself by embracing the part of you that is a slut (Mah’s method) is very toxic. Instead, I would recommend embracing the part of you that loves sex and sexuality. That is a healthy aspect of all of us that society unfortunately shames in many instances. So when trying to rid oneself of that shame related to sexuality, embrace that you are sexual. You do love sex. But you are not the negative projection of sexuality that someone else forced upon you. That is their trouble, and you do not need to take it on or hold onto it. Love yourself for all your sexual decisions, even if you regret some of them, but don’t buy into other people’s judgments.

I believe Embrace the Unlovable is a step in the right direction towards healing deep wounds that mainstream psychology is not always able to heal. However, the book still needs a lot of editing and improving and the method needs some revising before it will be of true benefit to most people. I hope Mah is able to find the mentor and editor she needs to make this good book into an amazing one.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

(This post is based on an Advance Reader Copy of Upside won through Goodreads’ First Reads program.)

As I read through Upside: The New Science of Post-Traumatic Growth by Jim Rendon, I had plenty of thoughts that didn’t necessarily fit in my official review of the book. The book certainly prompted some thinking and questioning on my part; I always appreciate it when a book stimulates my brain cells. Some of these questions I’m asking probably haven’t been answered by studies yet, so I can’t fault the author for not including things that don’t yet exist! The following are some of those thoughts shared in a rather random order.

- It wasn’t until very late in Upside that a divorce was mentioned among the case studies of those who have undergone trauma. However, I suspect that this representation is not accurate. Chronic illness and PTSD were major contributions toward my divorce, and I know I’m not alone in that. I’d be curious as to what the actual divorce rate is among those who suffer from PTSD as well as what the divorce rate is among those who suffer from PTSD but have come to a place of positive growth. Further questioning would ask how many people saw their divorce as a part of their positive growth (as I definitely do).

- As I read the chapter on family support, I questioned, “What about those who didn’t have family support?” I would like to see a study of how support for patients with cancer compares to those with other illnesses. Because Rendon focused on cancer, he may not be aware that other diseases actually can cause families to abandon loved ones. This certainly was my situation with extended family, and again, it was a contribution to the end of my marriage. In my experience with late disseminated Lyme disease which is legally diagnosed as fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, compassion and support was not overwhelming. In many cases, friends and extended family abandoned me and my family unit. One extended family member pointed out to me not so subtly that two other family members with type 1 diabetes and gallstones had REAL health problems (implying that mine were not significant, real and/or valid despite the fact that I was homebound and mostly bedbound at that point).

- While Rendon completely failed to discuss the problems surround childbirth and infant loss as they apply to women, he did devote a chapter to a group of dads who have lost children. This is a rare perspective that is often ignored in our culture, and I appreciate that he shared this reality with the world. Too often, men’s grief is poorly processed and disregarded contributing to the ongoing problem in our society of men who are out of touch with their emotions including grief.

- I felt like the chapter on religion and spirituality was one of the weakest. From what was written, I suspect that the author does not identify with religion or spirituality and may in fact be hostile towards them. I felt like he neglected the major differences between religion and spirituality, for they are two different things. It is very possible to be spiritual without being religious. I also wondered as I read the chapter how many people with PTSD experience a radical change in their beliefs or spirituality. In my life I went from being Catholic to being agnostic to experiencing PTSD and becoming highly spiritual without identifying with any religion (and in fact shunning most of them). I suspect I am not alone in this process of spiritual growth that is a part of personal growth with PTSD. This spiritual growth I experienced is a far different experience than someone becoming more vested in an established religion or turning to their pastor for counseling.

- Rendon argues that support groups are instrumental in the personal growth of individuals because they allow those with PTSD to be with those “who get it.” On one hand this is very true. However, I am curious about the reality of support groups for a wider population. I actually found that the pessimism and negativity of many support groups were pulling me down and were impeding my personal growth. They weren’t “better-informed optimists” as Rendon writes. Instead, they were people filled with unhealthy attitudes, bitterness, and often ignorance. I switched to digest for many online groups to avoid reading the posts of the worst offenders; some groups I left altogether. The two health related in-person groups I tried attending, one for those who had lost a baby and one for those who were chemically sensitive, I quickly left because the energy in them was awful. My better-informed optimism did not fit there. Thus, I would be curious about studies that showed that support groups actually have an ability to hamper personal growth rather than assist it. My experiences show that this is a potential reality.

- I cringed at the idea of 46 pills being a lot as Rendon dramatically presents when discussing a cancer patient. I currently take 14 Western medical pills per day plus 65 pill supplements, seven doses of liquid supplements, and a nebulizer treatment per day. At times my pill total has been well over 100 a day. This is what it has taken to get me functional and to continue to heal. I look forward to dropping back to “only” 46 pills and then the day when I need less than 20 per day to maintain my health. Again, if Rendon had talked to people with other health issues outside of cancer, his perspective would have been broadened and enlightened in many ways.

- Rendon has an implicit (and very valid in my opinion) judgment of how deficient psychological treatment is for soldiers and vets with PTSD. He also notes how others involved in other traumas also received very little or no psychotherapy as part of their recovery processes. It would be great to see what the studies show about why this happens other than the lack of funding for mental health care that is an endemic problem in our nation.

- I appreciated the way Rendon approached the topic of “gratitude as a way of life.” As I’ve noted in another blog post, gratitude is the only way I got through many days when my illness was at its worst. I think most people who have not undergone a major trauma understand what gratitude really is and what it can do for us.

- The chapter on activity and exercise as healing was very frustrating to me. I think this is a concept that is fairly well understood in our society as almost all less-than-informed healthcare practitioners I have worked with over the years have pushed exercise as one of the main solutions to healing. However, there is an important distinction between using exercise during a time of hellish illness and using it after one has regained significant health. Rendon discusses women who have survived breast cancer and now row together; he mentions but does not dwell on the fact that they could not have done this kind of activity when they were in the worst phases of their treatment. That distinction is very important for those undergoing health trauma because the overwhelming pressure to exercise when they are too sick to do so can be very emotionally defeating. As someone whose Lyme disease has caused chronic fatigue syndrome, I have had to deal with the conflict that exercise can actually cause more damage than good a great deal of the time, and our society does not seem to understand that because it is so pro-exercise as the cure to all that ails you.

- I really loved that Rendon stressed the importance of not pushing post-traumatic growth on those with PTSD. This book would have been devastating to read in the worst years of my illness; I was not ready to hear its message. I definitely would not give the book to someone who was at a point when they were at rock bottom. The lesson of “bitter blessings” is one that each person has to come to individually on their own time.

- When discussing one person who has survived brain cancer, Rendon reveals the very unhealthy brave face platitudes that are a very problematic part of emotional health in our society. However, Rendon doesn't expand on the problem that "the brave face" ideology creates in relation to PTSD. Rendon writes, “[The patient with brain cancer] maintained a brave face, but beneath it all he was terrified. ‘He never once said, “This really sucks,”’ said [his best friend]. ‘But you could see it in his eyes, you could see him thinking, Holy heck what am I going to do?’” Society expects those with chronic illness to hide behind those brave faces. They’re expected not to show the pain they’re in or the suffering they’re enduring. If they do show that illness, that fear, that pain, that loss, then they risk losing those around them who are unwilling or unable to deal with the realities of health challenges including the possibility of death. This only contributes to the issues surrounding PTSD when one is expected to put on a brave face but is actually falling apart inside.

- I would be curious to see studies about those who manage to achieve positive post-traumatic growth without most of the key items that Rendon cites as contributory factors. I am someone who is lacking in extended family support. I was isolated and alone because of my chemical sensitivities. I was the person whom others looked at and said, “It doesn’t get much worse than that.” Yet somehow I have grown in ways I never would have believed possible. I wonder how other characteristics such as personality and intelligence factor in for those whom growth seemed to be unlikely to happen even according to the standards Rendon establishes.

- Finally, in the last paragraphs of Upside, Rendon writes, “And given that they came so close to death, that they lost so many things they once took for granted, they understand on a much deeper level, in a much more informed way, what it means to be alive.” This association of PTSD with facing death is a flawed one, and it’s something that contributes to a large portion of people enduring PTSD not seeking appropriate help in my opinion. Our society erroneously interprets PTSD to mean former soldiers or those whose lives were endangered. Yet as Rendon demonstrates throughout the book, for many people, PTSD does not result from a life threatening event. I would have added a clause to this sentence about how “some have come so close to death.”

(I do have another upcoming blog post motivated by Upside that I will link to once it publishes.)

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

(I am reviewing an Advance Reader Copy of this book won through Goodreads’ First Reads program.)

I came to Upside: The New Science of Post-Traumatic Growth by Jim Rendon as a woman who has endured PTSD caused by multiple sources: abuse, childbirth, health trauma, and if you believe in past lives, World War II. I have been able to achieve major healing with most of my wounds through alternative therapies; conventional therapy was only serving to retraumatize me. Yet as someone with a Ph.D., I have a great deal of respect for science and the advances it can help bring. Rendon's work questions why so many people who have endured traumas and PTSD are able to come to a place of positive growth through examining the influence of personal narratives, community support, honest communication, optimistic thinking, religion, creative outlets, physical exercise, fellow sufferers, and therapy. The studies and examples Rendon cites demonstrate that these factors can all contribute to a lifelong positive change.

Rendon’s work is firmly grounded in scientific studies which demonstrate how trauma can lead to growth. The book is well-researched, fluently integrated and easy to read. Rendon’s writing style makes academia accessible to the general public. Despite the heavy topic, I breezed through Upside much quicker than I read most nonfiction books. The stories Rendon relates about others who have suffered traumas are painful to read, but only one was horrifying to me because of the explicit violence it contains. (For those who are highly sensitive like me, I recommend skipping the details in the last chapter on Jake Harriman's trauma, an event that occurred in the war in Iraq.)

Rendon was drawn to the topic of post-traumatic growth because his father was a Holocaust survivor; he makes no indication of having endured major trauma in his own life either explicitly or implicitly. There were times where I felt his text would have benefited from an extra reading and feedback before publication by those who have lived through trauma themselves because Rendon’s perspective sometimes doesn’t quite grasp the full reality. However, for the most part, Rendon does an excellent job of vividly relating the pain and the growth that his subjects experienced. He also gives one of the best summaries I’ve read about how PTSD creates a hypersensitive response in individuals whose “fight or flight” response is perpetually in overdrive. The first few chapters of the book could be incredibly helpful to someone trying to understand their loved one’s new reactions to the world.

If one were to survey the trauma-inducing events that Rendon discusses in detail, one would conclude that trauma is caused by cancer, accidents, warfare, and natural disasters. I realize that Rendon had limited space in his book, but he chose to relate cancer patient after cancer patient’s experience. This is typical of our culture which actually creates additional trauma for those who aren’t enduring cancer: they are second class citizens in the world of medical trauma. This blog post discusses how Lyme patients like me are abandoned by friends and medical practitioners in their search for health while simultaneously being told, “At least it isn’t cancer.” By not addressing other illnesses beyond cancer and accidents, Rendon contributes to the cultural mythologies of what illnesses “should” look like.

My largest complaint about Upside is that it contains a blatant disregard for women’s traumas. It was not until chapter five that Rendon discussed a female case study; from there on, women were mentioned fairly regularly in the book. However, Rendon does not discuss a single case of rape, sexual harassment, or abuse in detail. These are major causes of trauma, but they are barely mentioned in passing and there are no specific examples of them in the text. Most frustrating to me was how Rendon described trauma from childbirth: “People can be traumatized from the happiest of situations: childbirth.” While on one level this is a true statement, on another level it shows a total lack of understanding for the epidemic proportioned reality of what most women still endure during childbirth in our nation. There are two primary times when no doesn’t mean no: when a woman is being raped or when she is in labor. Had Rendon taken the time to talk with women who have experienced what is known as “birth rape” in some circles or tbose who have lost their babies, he would not have made such a flippant comment about the joy of childbirth, and the trauma around childbirth would likely have merited more than a few brief paragraphs in this work.

I will definitely recommend Upside to many clients, primarily the family members and friends of those enduring traumas around war, cancer, or accidents. I will also recommend it to individuals who, as Rendon notes in the text, have already come to the recognition on their own that their traumas can serve for positive growth. The book would serve well in a college classroom of psychology, medical, nursing or social work students trying to begin to understand trauma. However, for those who are dealing with childbirth trauma, rape, or abuse, Upside is not necessarily the best place to find information about healing.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

In the past week, a high school friend and her wife have endured the death of their one week old son. In most situations, I advise people to use the name of the deceased child as often as possible because it is helpful and healing for for the bereaved parents to know that others recognize the brief life that their child shared with them. However, in this case the parents are very private people who prefer not to share details. Out of respect for that, I’ll be writing about the son as “C” rather than calling him by his name.

As a mutual friend shared the news with me this past week that C had suffered oxygen deprivation during delivery and had suffered massive brain damage as a result, I found myself in tears as I talked about this dying baby with others. Clearly, since I had a child die during delivery 16 years ago, C’s tragic birth and impending death were stirring up deep personal issues for me. I found myself crying in a restaurant as I replied to an email on my phone, and yet, I didn’t care. If I had silent tears streaming down my face in public, that felt ok to me. I needed to release that emotion.

This new loss of C reopened the old wounds around my daughter’s death as I remembered in detail the grieving process I went through in the months and years immediately following her death. This is not uncommon for those who have suffered a tragedy or trauma: from time to time, something will trigger the emotions around the incident. When this happens, it can feel inconvenient at best and horrifically painful at worst. However, this reopening of old wounds is always a chance for us to grow and heal in new ways that weren’t available to us before.

In my case, I experienced very deep healing around my daughter Rebecca’s death several years ago. I have also experienced an incredible amount of personal growth in the past five years which has shifted my worldview almost 180 degrees. While processing C’s death this week, I approached the issue of infant death with a very different perspective than I’ve ever experienced before. I found myself grieving for the parents primarily; my own loss only played a background role in the tears that I shed as an empath because it gave me an understanding of the intense and unbearable pain that they are enduring right now. However, I was not afraid of that pain I felt nor the emotions I was experiencing in the present. All of it felt like a safe and healthy place for me to be.

One of the biggest issues for me to process around C’s death has been around the hypotheticals of my daughter’s death. We all ask the relatively difficult “what if” questions around any tragedy: What if he hadn’t decided to go out to dinner and wouldn’t have been in that auto accident? What if she had decided to go to a different college where she wouldn’t have been raped? What if something different had happened during my delivery and my daughter might have been able to take a few breaths? These questions are ultimately pointless because the past is what it is. There’s no way for us to change what actually happened. The only thing we can do in the present is work through the trauma as it happened and find healthy ways to cope with, accept, and move forward from what happened. That’s much easier said than done in the aftermath of a trauma, though, because it is perfectly natural for us to explore these hypothetical questions as part of our grief.

For me, one of the things I had always been grateful for surrounding my daughter’s death was that I did not have to make the decision to stop life support for my daughter. That decision was made for my ex-husband and me by higher powers because she never took a breath. If things had been just slightly different, though, we would have found ourselves in the situation with a baby who had been severely oxygen deprived and unable to live a life of any quality. This week as I explored the “what ifs” of my loss from a very different viewpoint, I realized that I would have been able to handle that decision. It would have been horrific, but no more so than pain of never seeing my daughter take a breath. The pain just would have been different. I finally have reached a place of peace surrounding this "what if."

My heart aches for C’s moms, sibling, and extended family as they are going through this horrible loss. Even though I’ve experienced the death of an infant, I am still just as helpless as any others outside of their direct situation to help them in ways that would seem meaningful at this time. All I can do is let them know that they are in my heart, and that I am always open to lending a virtual shoulder for them to cry on as they process their grief. At the same time, as I revisit my old wounds, I’m able to find a place of gratitude for how much healing I’ve experienced and how much I’ve grown in the years since my daughter died. She changed my world forever, and I am grateful to her for that gift she gave me.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

One of the quickest ways to piss me off is to tell me directly or indirectly that my pain is not real. I’ve spent the past 12+ years living in chronic pain. I don’t function in the world in the way most people can because of that pain and the associated disabilities that come along with it. No part of my life has been untouched because of what I have endured. Yet despite knowing I am a much happier and better person now than I was 12 years ago, I wouldn’t wish the hell I’ve been through on anyone; the only exception to that is when someone tells me that my pain doesn’t exist. Then I would like those people to spend a month in my body. I would bet you anything that when they came out of my body after having spent a month literally walking (or unable to walk at all on some days) in my shoes, they would be singing a very different tune.

Today, I managed to let someone push this button of mine yet again. In a discussion about the overprescription of antidepressants in our society on Facebook, I put up a links to blog post I had written that talks about Lyme patients being erroneously misdiagnosed as depressed and put on antidepressants rather than the physicians actually looking for the real problem. I also linked another post I had written about how depression is sometimes caused by issues beyond brain chemistry but that most Western doctors are ignorant of those other causes. One of the people involved in the discussion, clearly not my lifelong friend, immediately responded that chronic Lyme does not exist and there’s no scientific proof that it does. Wow. You mean like this recently released study from a researcher at Northeastern University talking about the biological mechanism through which borrelia burgdorferi survives the standard antibiotic doses recommended by the CDC? That kind of evidence?

This is the point at which I hit the block button on Facebook. I have a zero tolerance policy for people who will directly attack me or my life. If you want to believe differently than I do, that’s your choice, but don’t tell me directly and rudely that my diagnosis doesn’t exist and that the pain I’m in isn’t real. What was most stupefying to me was that this person stated that she has a mental illness that requires antidepressants. I would bet that at some point at her life she has been told that she just needs to pull herself up by her bootstraps and she’ll be fine. Mental illnesses are still not accepted by our society, and they are poorly understood. However, that doesn’t give this woman the right to turn around and tell others their diseases don’t exist either. Compassion to all who are suffering is appropriate even if you don’t agree with their diagnosis or choice of medical treatment.

The cyberbullying that our culture continues to foster in this regard is amazing. So many people believe that they are anonymous on the internet. They don’t have a problem spewing hateful words and demeaning obscenities at total strangers. Somehow the internet creates a situation that causes people to forget their basic manners. Most of the time strangers are polite to each other in public, but the internet removes that civility and results in a great deal of anger and pain.

Last week on The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All, host Chris Harrison and bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe addressed the problem of cyberbullying. Bristowe has made choices that not everyone agrees with this season, and she has been the recipient of a lot of vitriolic criticism as a result. During the show last week, Harrison read some of the worst of the tweets that Bristowe has received including death threats. As he read the tweets (with the usernames blacked out to protect the not-so-innocent), Bristowe’s eyes filled with tears. A great number of the comments on Twitter at that point were in support of The Bachelorette’s decision to address cyberbullying. However, many were not. Even some people whom I usually find to be fairly level-headed and rational disparaged the decision to discuss this topic. I read quite a few attacks on Harrison for “torturing” Bristowe by reading those comments out loud. From what I can tell of Harrison, he is a genuinely nice guy who did not pull this discussion about cyberbullying out of thin air. I’m positive he had Bristowe’s consent before he started especially based on the quiet comments he made to her as they went to commercial break. Bristowe’s genuine tear-filled response was important for America to see even if (or especially because) it makes us uncomfortable. Those users on the internet whom the cyberbullies are attacking have real feelings and real emotions. The tears and pain are real, too. The mere fact that so many people bristled against this discussion shows how desperately it is needed. If television stars and societal leaders aren’t willing to speak up against this kind of bullying behavior, change will be much slower in bringing about its end.

I’ve mentioned before that I left online dating, tired of the rude behavior and horrid comments about overweight women. What was clear to me in the world of online dating and again today on Facebook is that cyberbullying is real. Compassion is sorely lacking on the internet. Our world is full of so many wonderful reasons for living, and the internet brings about so much positive change in the world in ways that couldn’t have happened before its existence. It is long past time for that change to include an end to discriminatory words, hateful posts, and demeaning responses. We can be better than this as a society.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

In recent months, I’ve found that the sense of self-entitlement among Austin drivers during traffic is rising rapidly. I suspect that this is in part related to the population changes happening in the city and surrounding areas as Austin experiences rapid growth which the infrastructure is poorly equipped to handle. That’s not to say that Austin hasn’t always had its share of rude drivers. However, what I’ve been seeing lately is a blatant sense of narcissism among drivers who seem to think that they are the only ones who matter.

One of the worst examples of this that I’ve encountered was a few months ago when there were two major accidents on one of the main highways in Austin, a highway that is undergoing major construction right now. It normally takes me 10 minutes to drive this particular stretch of roadway when there is no traffic; during traffic it is more like 20-25 minutes. On this particular day, it took me 45 minutes, and if I’d needed to go further into the city, my trip would have been delayed even more. I have to get off on the access road to get to a building where I have regular appointments. However, due to the accidents on the highway, many people were getting off onto the access road in an attempt to unsuccessfully find a faster route.

The section of the access road I traverse is oddly designed; I’m sure non-locals would be very confused by it as it is two ways in parts and only one way in another. Locals, though, are more than aware of how this part of the road functions. Yet despite this, I watched car after car rudely using a right turn only lane to rush to the front of the straight-going traffic line and then dangerously cut off the traffic as they forced themselves over. This meant that anyone in the straight traffic lane was moving at about ten feet per minute at best. I saw many near accidents and watched some even stupider maneuvers that went beyond illegal and into seriously dangerous. I finally called 911 and requested that an officer be sent to that particular intersection to help deal with the overflow from the accidents on the highway. The risk of someone getting hurt was far too high.

As I sat there in that traffic, very frustrated by the slow movement forward when I was so close to the office I needed to get to, I was not pleased by the narcissism so many drivers were demonstrating. It was clear that they believed they were the only ones who mattered. Clearly they were the only ones who had important places to be that they were late for. The rest of us, from their views, surely were just out for joyrides during a weekday morning traffic situation. Yet all of us had some place important to be. I texted my appointment and let her know that I was stuck in traffic; she was fine with it as she knew how bad it was. I was only five minutes late because I allow time for traffic issues, but my stress levels were very high once I got there because of the insane driving I had witnessed.

I understand how frustrating it is to be late for important meetings, and I know there are people out there who will charge fees for clients who show up late to appointments. However, in the situation of a massive highway issue such as two separate accidents, most people understand that it has the potential to bring that particular highway in Austin to a grinding halt. I, and many others who are rational humans, will do their best to help reschedule clients when it’s not their fault that the roadways aren’t cooperating.

Just a few weeks ago, I was heading home from my morning appointments. I stopped to pick up lunch for my son and I at a local restaurant, and then I took a different road than I normally would to get home. I passed the first entrance to my neighborhood to take the second one that is closer to where I live, but just as I did so, the traffic came to a complete and total stop. I was cursing myself for not having taken that first entrance as a span that would normally take 30 seconds to drive suddenly took 15 minutes. However, there was nothing I could do but wait my turn. A quick traffic search on my cell phone showed that the road I was on was closed due to an accident; later that day I saw on a news report that a motorcyclist was killed in the accident which mandated the need to shut down the road.

As I sat listening to the radio and watching police do their best to direct all the traffic from the major road into my neighborhood, the man in front of me began to lose it. He was driving in a Jeep-type vehicle with the roof down, so I could see him cursing and waving his arms at the police out of his frustration with how slowly the traffic was moving. While I think the police could have done a more effective job in directing traffic, they were doing what they could with limited resources. Screaming and cursing wasn’t going to change the situation. More importantly, I knew that if the road was closed, someone (and likely many someones) was having a much worse day that I was being stuck in traffic for just an extra 15 minutes.

I really wish that Austinites would adopt some common sense traffic rules and perspectives on life when they encounter major traffic issues. Among these I would like people to:

• Let one person turn in front of you when they are trying to get on the highway or onto a roadway from a smaller street during traffic. Be nice and take turns.
  
• Don’t drive on and off of the exit ramps and access roads to cut ahead of traffic unless the police are directing you to do so. This behavior creates more traffic in the long run and actually doesn’t advance your place in traffic more than a few cars most of the time. It also makes it more difficult for those who have to get on and off the highway in those locations to reach their destinations.
  
• Remember what’s important in life. This traffic may be frustrating, but in the perspective of your life, it’s very minor. Use the extra car time that you have been given to pray, meditate, or reflect.
  
• Know that in the cases of accidents, someone is having a far worse day than you including possibly having to deal with injury or death.
  
• If you are of the spiritual persuasion, send white light or prayers to those emergency crews working the accidents and those who were involved in the accidents. 
  

Austin traffic is only going to continue to get worse if the area leaders don’t start getting realistic about road development to accommodate the growth. As frustrating as it is, road congestion is here to stay. Major accidents will continue to happen. We can’t change those realities. What we can change is our attitudes toward them. Remember that you are just one of well over a million people who live in the Austin area. If you want to make our city slightly better for all of those who live here, then find ways to demonstrate behavior in traffic that you want others to reflect back to you.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

(*I use the gender neutral pronouns “ze” and “hir” in this post for further protection of the client mentioned. I look forward to the day when the MLA and other language authorities will designate an official third person singular neutral pronoun aside from “it.”)

In season 2, episode 18 of Star Trek: Voyager, an immortal being named Q arrives. This particular Q has been the bane of many Starfleet officers in the recent series for his antagonistic behavior towards humanity. In this episode, he is trying to convince Captain Janeway to not give asylum to another member of the Q continuum. Janeway proposes a deal to Q, who responds:

It says a great deal that a conniving and manipulative being such as Q is upheld for not being a liar. Truth-telling is a separate virtue than many of the other things Janeway accuses Q of being. In our society, liars are not well-respected for the most part. Perhaps this is because the Ninth Commandment in the Judeo-Christian tradition is “You shall not bear false testimony against your neighbor” which is translated to “You shall not lie” in more modern editions of Exodus. One could also argue that the Ninth Commandment arose because Jewish society already put such a strong emphasis on truth telling.

In my own life, I’d never realized how important the truth is to me until suddenly I was confronted by many lies. Throughout my relationship with my now-ex-husband there were many times that he neglected to tell me the full story about something. In our Catholic upbringing, this would be considered a sin of omission: failing to take the honorable path when one is clear on what that duty is. However, with our separation, my ex-husband’s behavior switched to sins of commission: knowing that an act is wrong but doing it anyway. In this case, he began intentionally telling me half-truths and lies (and felt completely justified in doing so). Suddenly I realized how vitally important honesty is to a relationship and how much I had valued his previous honesty now that it was gone. My respect for my ex-husband and my desire to maintain a friendship with him suddenly dissolved because I want and need my friends to be honest with me.

Personally speaking, I don’t lie. I’m not able to do it. Anyone who knows me well enough will even be able to tell clearly when I’m only telling half the story by my body language and my energy. I’ve been rightfully described on many occasions of being honest to a fault: if you don’t want to know the truth, then don’t ask me a question. I will gently tell you that yes, that dress does make your butt look large. I would never volunteer that kind of information to anyone but my closest friends without being asked, though!

Within my practice, this truth-telling is also vitally important to me. I have a great sense of honor in keeping my word. I believe confidentiality as vital to my relationships with my clients. I’ve noted in many places that the only reasons I will break confidentiality is if I am ordered to by a court of law or if there is a high risk to someone involved (such as calling Child Protective Services about an abused child). Recently, I had to break client confidentiality for just such a reason: the client was a danger to hirself* and/or others. My body was literally shaking when I spoke with the person to whom I referred the client and hir major issues. I was fighting back tears through it all, and afterward, I did cry. There was absolutely no question to me that I was doing the right thing in breaking confidentiality to get this person the help ze needs in a life-threatening situation. However, it was still devastating to me personally to have to break the confidentiality that person had placed in me. My word matters to me, and I recognize clearly that a person who doesn’t honor hir word is not trustworthy. I hope one day that the client will be able to understand why I did what I did for hir. For now, I know that getting hir help is far more important than me keeping hir secrets.

Even as large parts of our society are moving away from a religious based moral guidance system, lying remains a despicable trait in our society with good reasons. False promises fall into this category of lies. Balthasar Gracian has written, “A single lie destroys a whole reputation of integrity.” Lies are that powerful.  A person who tells the truth is seen as having a very redeeming quality and in turn is trustworthy as a person. This is the standard to which I hold myself.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

In Texas, The University of Texas-Austin and Texas A&M University are the two major state universities with a deep century old rivalry. If you live in Austin, you’ll often hear Aggie jokes, and Aggies are known for telling “t.u.” jokes. The jokes are generally meant to insult the abilities and intelligence of the students and alumni of the opposing school. While I found them amusing when I was in college, I have long since stopped finding them funny. I’ve known many Aggies over the years, and I see no reason to insult them. Those friends are great people. They may have chosen a college I would never have gone to, but we can still be friends.

In a similar way, my ex-husband’s family used to tell jokes that put down liberal arts majors. When it wasn’t a formal joke, it was a slam or insult towards those who were liberal arts majors. That is because the parents and all of the children were science or math majors. They had developed an attitude, one that was clearly ego based, that anyone could get a liberal arts degree but it took a clearly superior mind to major in the hard sciences.

This attitude even carried over into casual conversation. I quickly learned that my opinion would never be respected even if it was on a topic pertinent to my academic studies. I was someone who knew nothing, and I was treated that way on many occasions. In one of the most painful, two of my ex-brothers-in-law were having a conversation while we were sitting around the kitchen table talking one holiday. They were discussing a topic I have a degree in, so I stated a sentence of relevance to the conversation. They looked at each other, and then they completely ignored me and my comment. It was like I wasn’t even in the room. That was the day I gave up trying. I knew I was always going to be labeled ignorant (at best) by them. In their eyes, I didn’t know anything.

Even when my ex-husband and I were alone, he carried over this tradition of insulting liberal arts majors to my face. Finally, one day I grew tired of it and I confronted him quite angrily. I asked him if he remembered that I had many degrees in the liberal arts. He did. When I asked why he would insult me like that by making fun of liberal arts majors, he had no answer. He’d been so trained by his family that it was ok to insult liberal arts majors that he didn’t even think twice about doing it with his wife who was an extension of his family in his mind. That was the last time he explicitly insulted the liberal arts to my face, but certainly not the last time my intelligence or abilities were questioned.

As a result of all this conditioning, I internalized the idea that my degrees were useless. Instead of being proud of my doctorate, I saw it as shameful. I hid it carefully away, not wanting to declare my accomplishment of being a Ph.D since it was “only” in liberal arts.

That all changed one day when I was eating lunch at a local restaurant that I frequent. The staff there recognizes me, especially the one woman who was usually head cook on the day I normally came in. However, due to a schedule change, I showed up on a different day than my usual. The woman said hi to me and asked why I was there that day instead of my usual. I let her know that I had some appointments change that week. She asked if I was a doctor, and I said, “No, well, yes, but I’m just a Ph.D.” She looked at me with a very expressive face and said “Just a Ph.D.?”

I realized in that instant how deeply I was undermining myself. I’m not the only one who uses the word “just” to denigrate themselves; an article by a former Google executive suggests that women use “just” far too often and undermine their power in doing so. In my case, I realized that I needed to shed my shame about “only” having a liberal arts Ph.D. My degree is just as well-earned as any other. I went to a highly reputed school, and my dissertation led to me being invited to apply for a tenure track position by another major university (though I unfortunately could not follow through due to my health). The opinions of my ex-in-laws are not healthy ones, and they are ones I chose to deprogram from my mind. I’ve learned to proudly embrace the initials “Ph.D.” after my name, so much so that I think my name looks odd without them now!

As more of the grandchildren are entering liberal arts fields and more of the brothers have married women with liberal arts degrees, I’m hoping my ex-in-laws have learned to curb their denigrating comments about those who aren’t scientists or mathematicians. In my house at least, my kids are growing up knowing that all academic paths are worthy of pursuing. No one is better than another. The world needs all kinds of people in it in order to function, not just scientists or mathematicians.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

I have written before on numerous occasions about how emotions can be stored in our bodies. This is a universal experience for all humans, though many of us are not aware of this reality. Once we are conscious of the fact we have stored emotions in our bodies that may be manifesting as physical pain or disease, then the question becomes how to release those stored emotions in order to find health. However, just as the traumas each of us suffer and store are all unique, so too are the solutions to release those emotions different for each person and situation involved. 

So where does one start? There are many different approaches to releasing stored emotions; I am only presenting some of the more common ones in alphabetical order. The goal of using all of these strategies is to find ways to bring stored emotions and traumas to the surface so that they can then be cleared. However, before you begin trying to remove any of these stored emotions, I strongly recommend you find a good, open-minded psychotherapist to work with. Bring difficult emotions to the surface can be very painful, but the work is incredibly rewarding once you are liberated from that stored emotion or trauma.

Acupuncture: Acupuncture is a healing modality which works directly with energy in the body. Because Traditional Chinese Medicine's fundamental understanding of how the body works is vastly different than the Western model, it can be difficult for many to understand what acupuncture actually does. The best explanation that I can give is that acupuncture moves energy through the body to clear blockages. These blockages can be literal, such as a clogged duct causing mastitis, or emotional, such as fear preventing one's kidneys from working properly. 

Breathwork: One of the easiest and cheapest approaches is breathwork; this is something that can be used in conjunction with many of the other modalities listed but it can also be used on its own. The most powerful experience I had with relieving my stored traumas from my daughter's death involved only breathwork, intent and maybe a crystal or two (but I can't remember for certain). The release that happened was something I would never have thought possibly happen just from breathing and focusing on the area where I had stored the pain of her death. This is an approach that I am able to teach clients how to use, but again, as you start out, I would recommend only using it with supervision because of how powerful it can be.

Craniosacral Therapy: Craniosacral therapy is a system of very light touch that helps release energy blockages in the body. I have had some powerful releases with it. This is one of those modalities where the first impression might be that the practioner is not really doing anything, but once the energy gets moving, amazing change and relief can happen. It's been effective for physical, emotional, and spiritual pain for me. It's also very relaxing and enjoyable most of the time!

Crystals: When I was younger, I did not understand what all those hippies were doing with their crystals. A former therapist encouraged me to buy a few, and once I did, I was hooked. I love crystals of all sorts, and I've had countless powerful experiences with crystals helping change my energy and release stored trauma as a result. Crystals can take anywhere from hours to months to be effective depending on the size, the number used, the location, and the problem. However, they too can cause all kinds of powerful results. They work based on the principle that everything and everyone on earth has a vibration. The crystals help raise human vibrations to a more positive level, and in the process, stored negative emotions and entities will depart the body because it is no longer a hospitable host for them.

EFT: Emotional Freedom Technique is a process of tapping on a series of acupressure points while reciting an affirmation. The goal of EFT is to release anxiety, trauma, and negative programming while replacing it with more positive thoughts and aspirations. Many use EFT for weight loss and issues around PTSD. EFT has soared in popularity in recent years, and many other similar tapping programs have been designed. I do not use EFT personally because it is not the right approach for me, but I have had success with a self-created, intuition-based tapping process based off of the "Beginning and Ending Technique" described by David S. Walther. I use this tapping when difficult emotions are surfacing so that I can keep from entering an overly anxious and unproductive state of being.

EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is another body-mind modality that should be learned and initially practiced with a trained professional. I have never used this technique, but I know of many who have been able to use it to successfully help with severe PTSD.

Essential Oils: Our society tends to enjoy essential oils for fragrance reasons; many undereducated salespeople also falsely promise miracle cures from their use. This is not the way in which I use essential oils. All essential oils also have spiritual properties, and some are very effective in helping act as a lubricant to release stored traumas and entities. Like crystals, they can help change a person's vibrational level. I work with essential oils using intuitive guidance finding the best oil for each person and then confirming possible contraindications with Robert Tisserand's amazing tome,Essential Oil Safety.

Flower Essences: Flower essences are a purely energetic form of healing which is part of why they along with homeopathy are not very well understood by our society. In using a direct method, flower essences are created by placing the flower in a bowl of water and leaving it sun and/or moonlight to absorb the energy of the flower. Crystals can also be added. The flower is then removed, the water is combined with a preservative such as alcohol, and the essence is complete. While this sounds like something that would be powerless, the energy in these essences can be palpable just holding the bottles. I've used many, many, many flower essences over the years for me and with my clients that have made both minor and major shifts in lives. They help change energy in the body so that the emotions can release.

Hands on Energy Work: This is not a do-it-yourself practice for beginners. A skilled practitioner is able to do manual manipulation on others' bodies to help release stored energy. I've experienced this with work by BodyTalk practioners, chiropractors, naturopaths, and massage therapists. I'd recommend finding a very grounded, very wise, very experienced person to do this as if it's done wrong, it can cause harm. I do not yet offer this service but expect to within a few years.

Homeopathy: Like flower essences, homeopathy is an energy based means of releasing emotions. Homeopathics are created from energetic vibrations of often toxic substances. Because they are energy based, they are safe to use (unless you are sensitive to lactose, though there are some lactose free ones on the market) and can cause major shifts in one's emotions and physical symptoms. I recommend working with someone who can assist and dose you properly with these substances as if you don't have the right remedy, you will be wasting your time, money and effort.

Light and Color: There are various programs and machines that work with colors and light to help shift internal energy. A more mainstream version of this are Seasonal Affective Disorder lamps. I have never used any kind of machine to do this, but I do find that I tend to pick clothes that strengthen my chakra that needs the most assistance that day.

Massage: Most massage therapists will tell tales of people emotionally falling apart for absolutely no reason while being on the massage table. This comes from the massage relaxing the body and releasing the tension and emotions we are holding. For me, I have experienced this most often with past life issues: I've seen many of my past life experiences while under the hands of a skilled massage therapist. Most massage therapists are not trying to make this happen, but it does occur. Going in with an intention of making it happen and treating your massage like a meditation time will help for the possibility to arise.

Meditation: If you aren't an experienced meditator, this isn't an approach I'd recommend as your introduction to meditation. However, once a person has become skilled at meditation, it is entirely possibly to enter a meditative state and work internally with the energy in one's body to release emotions that are stored. It is usually combined with breathwork. When I do it, I often am using crystals, flower essences, essential oils, and sound in addition. It's a very difficult process to explain, but once one knows how to manipulate energy, then one can essentially use one's mind like a shovel to loosen and scoop out the negative stored energy that one doesn't want to retain any longer.

Sound: The use of sound therapy to help clear chakras and other emotional issues is widespread; there are many practitioners who only focus on this. There are Meetup groups for it. I have playlists on Spotify which address it. One of my favorite CDs for sound therapy is by Jonathan Goldman. I can feel my energy vibrating when I play it. Most of the time, this does not create a major release for me, but there are times when it has been very effective. This is an easy way for many people to start changing their energy in a subtle way.

Tai Chi: I have never practiced Tai Chi, but like yoga, the practice is one that creates a great deal of healthy movement of energy in the body. I recommend it as a way for people who don't want to try yoga to find a physical way to get their bodies, minds and spirits working together to release negativity.

Writing:  I often recommend journaling with old fashioned pen and paper as a way of starting to bring up issues that have been submerged in our subconscious and bodies. For some song composition, poetry, or other forms of creation are more appropriate. While writing often does not usually remove the block by itself, it can bring things to the surface so that other means can be more efficacious. 

Yoga: Last but not least, yoga is a time honored way of releasing emotions. There are several groups in the Austin area that do yoga for trauma release; there are also numerous therapist who combine yoga with talk therapy. While American culture tends to see yoga as exercise, it's also a deeply spiritual practice that can change lives through its impact. It's one of first ways I often recommend to people for learning to become more in tune with their bodies.

When a river is unintentionally dammed up, one can go about releasing the block in a few ways. One can remove a key piece of the block and then get the heck out of the way as the waters will be able to flood through. One can also add more water until the sheer pressure breaks the dam. Likewise, with our emotions, when something is blocked in our minds and bodies, we actually have to work to remove it. This is not the gut reaction for most humans who would prefer to turn away from the dam. The methods above can help remove a key piece of blockage; some are gentler than others. All can be effective in helping clear stored emotions and traumas from the body in order to create more health. 

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present
― Lao Tzu

This quote made me cringe as I read it on the internet a few weeks ago. There is some truth in these words, but there is also a lot of myth and misunderstanding.

Depression can be situational, and it can be related to the past, the present or the future. If you didn’t get to go to the dance you wanted to attend last week and you’re still feeling sorry for yourself, then you are living in the past. If you are depressed because you are sick and stuck at home today, you are living in the present. If you are depressed because you didn’t get into the college of your choice, then your are grieving your future. All of these are valid reasons for one to grieve briefly. Staying in that place of grief and depression for an extended amount of time can become problematic, though.

Likewise, anxiety can be related to the present and the future. Anxiety can arise from standing in front of an empty fridge and pantry not knowing how to feed your hungry children. Stress, another component of anxiety, can arise as you stare at an exam question with no clue what the answer is even though you studied, attended class and did the readings. While a great deal of our anxiety is from borrowed trouble when we worry about what will happen in the future, there are times when anxiety can be very much a part of our present.

More importantly, anxiety and depression can both be responses to treatable physical conditions. While they make the past, present, and future seem stressful or dismal, the mental difficulties are tied to issues that require outside intervention. In these cases, changing your thoughts can’t bring you to peace. The range of things that can cause these emotional states is wide, but in my personal and professional experience, I have seen parasites, Lyme (especially when it is dying off), entities, mineral imbalances, hormonal imbalances, gut dysbiosis and brain chemistry issues all cause depression and anxiety; I'm certain there are other roots in addition to those I've listed. These are issues that will require some kind of outside assistance to change the physical problems that are creating the anxiety and depression.

While it’s true that most people who are living in the present will have less stress and depression, it’s also not always true. Anyone who has worked with people with Alzheimer’s disease can tell you that some patients are very distressed by the present. It is only when they are living in the past that they can find peace. Likewise, when we are undergoing a great deal of stress in the present day, we may turn to the past or the future to find a place of peace to calm ourselves. We might know that this job interview is rough, but when we get to the other side, we will have the job of our dreams (or if not, at least the ordeal will be over!). We might be dealing with a colicky screaming baby at 2 a.m., but we return to the vision of the beautiful laughing baby from earlier in the day to remind ourselves why it is all worth it.

Not all sayings from wise people are really that inspired. Some have elements of truth but have been generally disproven by experience and societal change. When something makes you cringe inside when you read it, take the time to examine where that response came from. Is the emotional reaction due to something that is challenging your boundaries and forcing you to grow? In that case, stay with the discomfort as you try to work through the idea that is hard to accept. On the other hand, is the saying missing the reality of your experience? If so, then discard its purported wisdom for what you know to be true.

©2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

During grad school and while my older children were young, I watched very little tv. I had no real need for it in my life. Yet in the days after 9/11, I left the tv on more than I had previously. In that time, I stumbled upon Crossing Over with John Edward, a show in which psychic medium John Edward gave gallery readings for those who were wanting to reach loved ones who had died. I was captivated by the show, but I hid my viewing habits from my then-husband because I knew he would ridicule such things.

Many years later, I better understood my attraction to Crossing Over as my metaphysical gifts came to fruition. As I started to develop my gifts, I wanted desperately to read John Edward’s books, but because of my multiple chemical sensitivities, I could not read the paper versions and there were no digital editions available. I bought the paperback books and put them on my shelf, waiting for the day when I had enough health to read them. Eventually that day came, and over a few weeks, I happily read through most of his Edward’s non-fiction works. They were easy, fun, enjoyable books for me.

As I read through the books, I quickly recognized that Edward’s dysfunctional father was both an alcoholic and a narcissist; as a result, Edward was mostly estranged from his father as an adult. I understood completely from personal experience how and why that narcissism can create a situation in which it’s best for the child to separate from the toxic parent. It’s a very difficult situation for the adult children involved. Our society does not support this kind of “divorce” between a parent and child. Instead, adult children are chided for breaking the Judeo-Christian commandment “honor thy father and mother.” However, in situations where the converse of “honor thy child” is not being respected, a parental-child divorce can be the healthiest thing for all those involved.

My mother undeniably has narcissistic personality disorder, though for the almost 17 years she was in my life, she never received an official diagnosis. It’s rare for narcissists to receive diagnoses because they are often able to present themselves very well to strangers. It is only in living with narcissists or working extensively with them that their true natures are revealed. I have dozens if not hundreds of stories that typify my mother’s narcissism though for the purposes of this blog post, one will suffice.

After my daughter Rebecca died, we received abundant condolence cards for the month afterward. About eight weeks after her death, a card arrived from my mother, whom I had not had any contact with in over seven years at that point. I had not informed her of my pregnancy or my daughter’s death, but we still had common contacts; she likely found out through one of those channels. Unlike most people who sent us bereavement cards, my mother sent me (and not my husband) a card that was about how wonderful daughters are. To someone who doesn’t understand narcissism or my mother, this would seem like a cruel and demented sentiment: I had just lost my only daughter (at that time) to death, yet my mother had sent me a card telling me how wonderful daughters are. However, if you analyze the situation with the knowledge that my mother is a narcissist, the situation makes a great deal more sense: She was only thinking from her point of view. She was trying to express emotion about my loss, but the only way she could do it was by vocalizing her position: She missed her daughter. She couldn’t think through the whole process that I had actually lost my own daughter and that her card was incredibly inconsiderate of that.

For years, many people had told me that I would regret my estrangement from my mother when she died. I would suddenly realize that it was too late for us to work through our differences. There would be no second chance. But as I read chapter 11 of John Edward’s book After Life: Answers from the Other Side, I found a very different perspective. Edward discovered that he was actually able to begin working through his issues with his father after his father’s death once his father was freed from some of his earthly burdens such as alcoholism. While Edward clearly encourages that people should “communicate, appreciate, validate" every day before they lose their loved ones, he does offer hope that reconciliation can happen after death. Working from that place, I finally came to true peace with estrangement from my mother. I realized that even when she dies, I don’t expect to grieve for her. I may once again grieve for the healthy mother whom I never experienced, but I know I will be fine whether she is in this world or the next. I’ve spent many hundred years attached to her soul, and I no longer have any desire to be associated with her. Losing her in no way seems like a loss.

My mother’s parents have both come to visit me from the other side. I never met my grandfather in real life as he died ten years before I was born; my grandmother died when I was 17. Interacting with them after I opened to the metaphysical helped me to understand that while they might have shed burdens such as alcoholism, unless they choose to work on their souls after death, they still carry their soul level issues with them. Neither of my maternal grandparents had done extensive work on themselves, and thus, interacting with them was not inspiring or sentimental. They were very spiritually unhealthy people whom I didn’t want to have around. Quite honestly, if my mother takes the same position of not working on herself after death as her parents have, I definitely don’t want to get back in touch with her then either!

I am grateful for the peace I have reached with being estranged from my toxic mother. I have known from early on that it was for the best, but our society doesn’t always understand that. Instead, mother-daughter relationships are glorified in a way that isn’t always true. While I didn’t receive that love as a daughter, I have been able to experience it as a mother with my living daughter, and for that blessing, I am truly grateful.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance

When my ex-husband’s grandmother was in her late 80s, her health began to fail. She complained bitterly to me on one visit that she had to take TWO pills every day. TWO!!! For her, this was an unimaginable travesty. Given that I had to take two allergy pills daily at the age of 20, I was less than impressed by this horrific fate she was dealing with. However, it was a matter of perspective. She’d been in excellent health all of her life, but now she was facing decline. Two pills was symbolic of the end to her.

For those who deal with chronic illness, the idea of only taking two pills a day is a funny joke. Taking that few pills is no different than brushing one’s teeth: It's just a basic part of daily life. Right now, I take 13+ Western medical drug capsules per day. Then there are the supplements. Unlike Western drugs which are chemically based and therefore often quite small in size, herbal supplements are not compact. They often require multiple pills per supplement daily in order to get the necessary dose. I don’t even keep track of the total number of pills anymore, but it’s in the dozens per day. Whenever I see new practitioners, they look at my list of supplements and immediately declare, “You are taking too many things.” However, once we review the list and I tell them what each supplement is for and what side effects I have when I stop it, they agree that I shouldn't mess with the system I have going which helps keep my body relatively stable and decreases my pain levels.

Managing all of those supplements requires a system of organization that most individuals with health issues work out after a while. Opening a dozen bottles at every meal each day gets tedious. The typical pill keepers on the market are meant for someone taking only a few small Western drugs per day. They’re pretty pointless for someone using large numbers of herbal supplements. Early in my illness, a fellow patient showed me her technique for managing pills: An organizer she found at the hardware store for sorting nuts, bolts, and nails. I picked a similar plastic box organizer (pictured above), and it has become vital to my supplement management. These can be found at craft stores, organizer stores, hardware stores, and superstores. My supplement doses change regularly, so I prefer not to mete out more than five days at a time lest I have to redo them. On every fifth day, though, I sit down and listen to music for 15 minutes while I fill my supplement box. As I fill the box, I try to integrate mindfulness meditation into the process: I remember consciously what each supplement is for, and I ask for help in achieving its goal.

Keeping track of the doses of each supplement is also a task when one’s mind is filled with brain fog. My practitioners taught me to write the dose on the lid or label using a permanent marker. However, for those with chemical sensitivities, it’s often difficult to tolerate the chemicals in markers. An alternate solution is to write the dose on self-adhesive labels and stick them on the lid or bottle. I also keep an up-to-date list of supplements on my computer with doses so that whenever I see a new practitioner, I can simply print out my list of supplements and say “see attached” rather than trying to remember and cram everything onto two small lines on an application form. 

Chronic illness affects every aspect of a person’s life. Taking supplements becomes an integral part of life, one that can often seem like a burden. Finding ways to make the process a little easier can help relieve some of the resentment one feels about needing assistance in order to be semi-functional.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

Many popular memes and quotes assert ideas about the amazing, boundless love of mothers for their children. A sampling from the internet turns up:

• “The love of a mother and her child is like none other.” ~Vicki Reece 
  
• “A daughter is just a little girl who grows up to be your best friend.”
• “The memories that a mother leaves are cherished forever.” 
  
• “No matter how old you get, a mother’s love is still a real comfort.” ~Stephanie Linus
  
• “A mother’s love is the heart of a family.”
  
• “A mother’s love is instinctual, unconditional, and forever.” ~Revathi Sankaran
  
• “A mother is your first friend, your best friend, your forever friend.”
  
• “A mother’s love is endless.”
  
• “The love between a mother and daughter is forever.”
  
• “Being a mother doesn't mean being related to some
• one by blood. It means loving someone unconditionally and with your whole heart.”
  
• “A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. It dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.” ~Agatha Christie
  
• “The love of a mother for her child is undeniably the strongest emotion in the soul.”  ~Sandy Richards
  
• “Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible.” ~Marion C. Garretty 
  
• “A mother’s love is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking. It never fails or falters even though the heart is breaking.” ~Helen Steiner Rice

These sayings are true… except when they’re not. Unfortunately, for the children of narcissistic mothers, they’re often just myths, and reading quotes like these may just amplify a pain in their hearts for the loss they've experienced in life. They've never had the experience of having a truly loving and giving mother.

No mother is perfect: They’re all human. All mothers make mistakes. However, the issues that exist between narcissistic mothers and children, though, aren't simply matters of misunderstanding or parent-child conflict. They run far deeper. This is because people with narcissistic personality disorder are unable to love others in an unconditional way. Instead, their love is self-oriented: Narcissists see other people, including their children, as existing to meet their own needs. The narcissists simply don’t have the emotional ability to love others as they need and deserve to be loved.

The Dalai Lama has written, “Love is the absence of judgment.” For the children of narcissists, they may never have experienced true love. Instead, they’ve felt a painful and conditional set of demands from mothers who disrespect the children’s needs. As these children grow, their own relationships with their spouses will often suffer unless a great deal of personal growth and therapy is involved. Because the children have been involved in toxic parental relationships all their lives, they may not recognize what a healthy love looks like, and instead, they will marry or partner with others who will continue the judgmental pattern of “love” that began with narcissistic mothers in childhood.

As Mother’s Day approaches, the plethora of praise of mothers will be abundant in the social media world, and those words may add more pain to already deep wounds. For those who are seeking to heal their own wounds, I highly recommend the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. This work examines the toxic legacy of which narcissistic mothers create in their daughters. A great deal of the book is oriented towards those who are still in toxic relationships with their mothers or who want to maintain relationships with their mothers despite the emotional abuse they perpetrate. Only a small portion of the book acknowledges the option of ending a relationship with a narcissistic maternal abuser (as I personally chose to do). However, reading this book was an eye-opening experience for me, helping me realize that I wasn’t alone in the world of narcissistic abuse and how it influenced my life, my career, and my former marriage. I’ve since recommended the book to many other women who have narcissistic mothers, and most of them had the same response: “It’s not just me!”

This Mother’s Day, if you aren’t experiencing the love that our Judeo-Christian society dictates is necessary for children to feel for parents, remember that love is a two way street. In relationships with narcissistic abusers, you are under no obligation to praise those who may have hurt you. Finding peace with those abusers and with yourself for what you’ve experienced in life can go a long way towards a happier life. You never have to condone what the narcissists have done to you, but understanding how and why they treat(ed) you the way they do/did can make it easier to respond to them from a place of compassion. In turn, this will help you find a place of peace rather than living in a state of pain, fear or anger.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

Despite LinkedIn’s warnings, I accept connections from almost everyone on there who asks me to. In my mind, the purpose of networking is to meet new people. Most of the time, this philosophy works well. Occasionally someone connects with me to spam me with their services; at that point I disconnect from them. Today’s example was an email from a business coach who claims to be an intuitive focusing on the divine feminine. I had initially thought we might have something in common. However, the beginning of the message read:

Are You Ready to Break Free from Exhausting Hourly Sessions?
Are You Ready to Make More Money Working Less Hours? 

I was aghast as I read those words. To me, a great translation of the rhetorical questions being asked is, “Do you think you’re too good to actually help people who are paying for and need your help?” Individual work is at the core of what I and many other coaches and therapists offer. It’s not exhausting to me; it’s very uplifting most of the time. It’s a sacred call that I’ve received to assist others. If someone doesn’t like working with clients individually, then being a coach is not the right job for them. If they’re feeling drained by it all the time, they may need to examine their energetic boundaries to make sure they’re working in a protected space that keeps them from absorbing their patients’ problems. (That is something I help clients with if they desire it since it’s an issue for many empaths and intuitives.)

Spiritual arrogance is all too common in this world. People who think they’ve found the divine (or God or whatever word you prefer) let their newfound spiritual prowess go immediately to their head. They are certain that their intimate knowledge of Spirit has made them better than anyone else; for some of them, this is so much so that they can’t be bothered to interact with others learning to grow. Some of them just want to stand on a podium, shine in their greatness, and accept the awe-filled laurels that they believe they deserve from the masses. Of course, working from a warped interpretation of the law of attraction, they’re certain their spiritual nature and connection to the divine will allow them to attract millions of dollars by doing nothing more than just being their wonderful selves.

Here’s a hint, though: The more arrogant that someone is about their spiritual abilities and the more they need to display their divine connection overtly, the less connection they are likely to have. Most of the time, those who list a long heritage of gurus or teachers, especially those who connect them linearly to a divine teacher such as Jesus or a saint, are really very insecure in their own knowledge and abilities, so they rest on the laurels of others. In contrast, some of the holiest people we’ll ever meet are the ones who are examples of modesty and humility. They’re confident in their connection with the divine and their purpose here on earth. They go about their business, helping others as they do. They don’t seek fame and easy fortune. They just want to live in peace and want the same for others, too.

There’s an old adage that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. This doesn’t apply to just miracle medical cures and get rich quick schemes. People who promise you amazing divine knowledge from one easy course are likely speaking from a place of greed and arrogance, not holiness. They are likely involved in a pyramid scheme of confused people, and following their way is not likely to bring you the amazing things you are hoping for. The same is true of healers who promise that all of your problems can be solved in one workshop or with one supplement. It’s very rarely (if ever) true. The slow and steady path is often the best one to take for personal growth. Even if it’s prompted by a sudden tragic event, the growth from that single event will not happen overnight in most cases. Instead, change has to happen through honest and diligent work.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

My kids and I completed watching Star Trek: The Next Generation plus its ensuing movies a while back, and now we have moved on to Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. I've never been able to get into DS9 the way I enjoyed other modern Star Trek series, but my one son loves it so we’re watching the series via Netflix. In episode 10 of season 2, a new humanoid species arrives as refugees at the space station. The Skrreea are a matriarchal society, something that comes across as shocking to the station’s crew. Haneek, the only woman who arrives in the first group of four to the station, talks with the leadership of DS9 about her culture as they discuss the impending arrival three million more Skrreea from the Delta Quadrant:

Clearly this is meant to be a parody of the biased and erroneous statement we often hear in our society that women suffer from too many hormonal mood changes that therefore make them unsuitable for powers of leadership including politics. There’s a terrible age old joke about how a pre-menstrual President would be far too likely to hit the big red button and start a nuclear war. In Skrreean society, men's emotions are seen as troublesome just as women's emotions are seen as almost dangerous in ours.

The real truth is that we are all emotional creatures regardless of our sex or gender. We all feel and we all act on those feelings. While higher levels of testosterone may make some people more aggressive and higher levels of progesterone may make some people more likely to cry, the bottom line is that we all have emotions that we feel overwhelmed by. How we act on those emotions is probably influenced by both nature (hormones) and nurture (what our society teaches us the gender-specific appropriate response is).

Another truth that our society is very afraid of at times is that all of us possess a masculine side and all of us contain a feminine side. We all have traits that are seen as male and others that are seen as female. What most of us don’t have is a good balance of those traits because we are afraid to embrace one side or the other. In her seminal work Living in the Light, especially in chapters 8 and 9, Shakti Gawain discusses the feminine and masculine within each of us. As Gawain explains, the feminine side of us is the nurturing, intuitive side. We all are nurturing on some level, though not all of us are called to be parents. Still, we know how to care for others around us who are family members, friends, or lovers. We also have intuition, though since the Enlightenment, our science-dominated society has taught many of us to suppress this intuition in favor of rational thought. Unfortunately, our society sees this nurturing and intuitive side as weak and powerless. This is far from the truth. Our intuition can be one of the strongest ways we live if we allow it to be a part of our lives. Men who are in touch with their feminine side, who aren't afraid to follow their intuition or feel their emotions (aside from anger and aggression), are often judge by our society for being weak and feeble as the feminine is poorly stereotyped as such; the media crucifying Howard Dean in the 2004 election season for expressing what was seen as unacceptable passion is an excellent example. In contrast, the masculine side within all of us is the action side. It is the part of us that follows the understanding of the feminine intuition in order to make things happen. Men are expected to be doers, to be problems solvers. Women who have this same strong masculine action side are judged by society as being too “butch” or too unfeminine; Hillary Rodham Clinton is a prime example. However, we all have to be people who take action if we want to accomplish anything in life!

This disturbing division of the feminine and the masculine in our society is based on unhealthy stereotypes. Even in my own life, I've experienced quite a bit of judgment because I am “too masculine” since I am a strong, highly-organized, educated woman who doesn't hesitate to act on what will help her life. I had a male friend act surprised when I said that I missed having opportunities to dress up in frilly dresses; he erroneously presumed that since I didn’t wear makeup I didn’t enjoy most stereotypically feminine things. For me, developing my masculine side was probably more of a survival technique, one that I began in my childhood as a way to protect myself. Like Gawain experienced personally, part of my challenge as an adult has been embracing my feminine side and recognizing that it is not a sign of weakness: The feminine is merely a different type of strength.

It will be a wonderful day when our society can accept the masculine and feminine as different but synchronistic qualities which work together to make our society complete. I look forward to the day when the way women are still treated now is seen as ludicrous as the Skrreean idea that men are too emotional to be involved in leadership. Once the yin and the yang of our lives is more in balance, our society will become totally different than what most of us experience now.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

Every once in a while, hindsight kicks in and we find ourselves saying, “If only I had known that when…” Today, I had that experience while reading The Silent Marriage: How Passive Aggression Steals Your Happiness. I wish someone had handed me this book ten years ago when my former marriage began have serious problems which ultimately led to its demise. The information in the pages describes the journey I had to walk on my own, learning these truths without a resource guide. While the issues in our relationship were further compounded by the challenges of chronic illness, the basic premise was still the same.

The Silent Marriage is a short Kindle e-book which only cost $4 at the time I ordered it. I have found that the self-published books in this category are often lacking in editing and content. However, I was pleasantly surprised by Nora Femenia and Neil Warner’s work. While the book is not perfect, it is a great place for a woman in a marriage with a passive-aggressive partner to start evaluating what is going on and how she wants to handle it. It’s resource I can see recommending to clients because it is so short and because it is written on a very accessible level for the general population.

The basic information about passive-aggression in the book is based on insecure attachment of the passive-aggressive man to his parents, particularly his mother, when he was a child. This insecure attachment created an avoidant personality wherein the passive-aggressive man seeks love from a spouse while simultaneously emotionally abusing her by pushing her away. His passive-aggressive manipulation is an effort to retain control in a situation where he actually has none: Love is given freely or it is not love. We cannot force people to love us.

My main critique of the book relates to its portrayal of the non-passive-aggressive person in the relationship (usually the wife in this text) as a victim of her husband’s mental disorder. Occasionally it is acknowledged that the wife has an active role in all the relationship, but the emphasis is on the wife not blaming herself for her husband’s behavior. The wife is not a victim, though. She chooses to stay in the relationship, and she contributes to the dysfunction of the relationship in how she responds. I felt like the book really could have done a better job of helping the wife in this situation work on her part of the dysfunction beyond teaching her that she is not responsible for her husband’s emotionally abusive behavior.

Another point of contention for me in this work is the mother-blame which dominates the authors’ theories. If a neglectful or abusive mother raises four children, not all four will become passive-aggressive. Maybe one or two will be based on the families I know with this situation. It’s also possible that the mother is not the primary caregiver and therefore is not the one who created the development of an avoidant insecure attachment in the future passive-aggressive husband. Simply blaming all of the issues on the husband’s mother doesn't allow for the personal responsibility that each of us has in regards to our response to how others treat us. While that response may be partially genetic, partially environmental, and partially related to our fundamental spirit, it’s not entirely the mother’s fault.

The other issue that bothered me in this book was that men are seen as the passive-aggressive partners in the heterosexual marriage. In today’s day and age, it’s time for authors to begin recognizing that not all marriages involve a man and a woman. Furthermore, it’s not always the husband who is the passive-aggressive spouse. I know women who are passive-aggressive, too. I felt as though the authors could have reached a broader audience by examining passive-aggression as a human condition, not one limited to those of a certain sex or gender orientation.

Despite my critiques, I finished this book wanting to read more by the authors to see what other insights they had on passive-aggression. I know that this book will help many women who are trying to understand why their husbands will no longer talk to them, thus creating the silent marriage of the title.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC