There are a lot of misguided ideas about what meditation is or what meditation should be.  Most people who aren’t familiar with meditation visualize it as sitting in a contorted but very upright position with one’s eyes closed.  In that position, they expect that the active brain shuts off and the person meditating easily experiences nothingness or amazing divine insight.  For most of us, not so much.  Meditation takes many different forms.

A while ago I was messaging with a friend about jellyfish and meditating on them.  Both of us have had jellyfish show up in visions for us recently as animals whom we should work with.  The Star Stuffs website says the meaning of jellyfish is as follows:

Jellyfish speaks of simplifying your life. Go with the flow of the current and allow things to take their course. Trust the process. She shows how to rest in the earthly realm and not to rush. Life or mind chatter too hectic? Take a walk, get close to nature so you can see the world in a better light. In communication, your words and actions may sting others, however unintentional. She will help balance this forwardness with compassion. Jellyfish asks you heal the painful past. What is hurting your spirit? She assists in tackling challenges of the mind, body and spirit. She will help identify the areas for you - because it is time. Jellyfish may be very transparent but she shows the heart's truth, if you will follow it. This includes the pain and growth that may arise in the journey. 

For me, I am working through a lot of past life traumas that were not healed well (or at all) in those past lives.  This is my second chance to heal them.  Jellyfish reminds me to allow this healing to happen as it is meant to and not try to force the process.

The friend and I were discussing how one would meditate on jellyfish.  I suggested that one could put on some ocean music off of Spotify and then just picture oneself swimming with the jellyfish. Of course, that is ignoring the fact that any music with water sounds in it makes me need to pee.  I then decided to Google “youtube jellyfish meditation,” and I stumbled upon the amazing video above. For five minutes, I just sat there watching the jellyfish gently moving through the water.  The tension drained from my body.  I could feel the stress melting away.  It was amazing.  It felt so good.  Every time I turn that video back on and just stare, I feel so much more relaxed. 

Watching that video, even though it doesn’t fit the stereotypical vision of meditation, is still meditation.  The goal was achieved of helping me release tension from my body.  While I didn’t find any major spiritual insight while watching the video, I felt far less stressed and worried from watching it.  I’ve bookmarked it amongst my favorites and plan to return to it each time the jellyfish returns to me in my visions so that I can remember its message of going with the flow.

© 2013 Green Heart Guidance

I am by no means a medical expert on Carpal Tunnel Syndrome (CTS).  However, I am writing this post to share my experiences and suggest an approach you might want to discuss with your doctor or other healthcare provider if you suffer from CTS.

In my first pregnancy 15 years ago, I got hit by CTS at 20 weeks gestation.  It was miserable.  I was a grad student as was my then-husband, so we didn’t have extra money for acupuncture and I didn’t know about more affordable options such as the student acupuncture clinic at AOMA or Austin Donation Acupuncture.  So I bought braces that looked like the one in the upper left corner of the picture (which helped immensely), but I still suffered.  About six weeks after delivery, my hormones receded, the CTS stopped and I was able to ditch the braces.

Because my baby died, I got pregnant again rather quickly (with twins), and my CTS returned at 10 weeks gestation.  This time I was doing acupuncture for morning sickness, and so I also was able to experience its benefits for CTS.  In my third pregnancy, the CTS didn’t return until 30 weeks, and once again, acupuncture helped.  However, I still had to wear braces 24/7.  With both subsequent pregnancies, it took until 10-12 weeks postpartum for the CTS to recede, likely because I was actively breastfeeding this time instead of trying to dry up my milk supply.

During my first pregnancy, someone had suggested to me that I try B6 for the morning.  I did, and it made my morning sickness much worse.  My body clearly didn’t like the B6.  I was using a cheap brand I picked up at Target, not knowing at that point that there is a difference between supplement brands.  Since then, I have learned a lot about supplements and vitamins.  One of the things I have learned is that my body cannot use B6 in supplement form.  I require P5P (pyridoxal-5'-phosphate), an activated form of B6 that takes some of the work out of the vitamin transformation. 

I had heard about using B6 to help with CTS by the time the CTS returned again during my battle with Lyme Disease.  This time, however, I tried quality P5P instead of cheap B6 and got great results.  I was taking between 100 and 200 mg a day, though I have seen at least one website that recommended no more than 75 mg per day for pregnant or lactating women.  Using P5P put my CTS into remission.  I wish I’d known this during my pregnancies!

If you decide to check out P5P as an option, I recommend that you try a high quality brand.  Some of the brands that I tolerate and recommend include Pure Encapsulations, Vital Nutrients, and Premier Research Labs (all available on the web or some available locally at People’s Pharmacy).  To a certain extent with supplements, you do get what you pay for.  It may take several weeks for you to get your B6 levels back up high enough for you to notice a difference if this is one of the causes of your CTS.

© 2013 Green Heart Guidance

There are various theories with regard to scars disrupting the immune system.  The basic oversimplified idea is that the immune system freaks out about the scar and then continues freaking out about other things it shouldn’t freak out about resulting in autoimmune disease.  While I don’t completely agree with the theory, I do agree that scars can cause problems on physical and energetic levels and that treating them can help with healing.  I have used two different forms of scar therapy though many more exist. 

The first form of scar therapy I have experienced is Neural Therapy, a German pioneered technique of injecting an anesthetic in multiple places around the scar.  I have done this with three scars.  The first scar I treated twice because I was SCREAMING in pain at me.  This felt like being struck by lightning randomly throughout the day at the location of that scar.  The first treatment failed, but the doctor who did it felt he didn’t manage do the whole length of the scar because it was partially hidden.  However, the second treatment was completely successful.  It stopped the pain.  The other two areas I have had treated cause intermittent mild but annoying pain; neither of them had any results even though one of them has been treated multiple times.  The doctor who performed this for me says he has seen miracle results with it though clearly not in every case.  It did not impact my autoimmune problems at any noticeable level, but I was very grateful for the pain relief.

The second form of scar therapy I have done is cold laser therapy.  This is a new treatment for me that I have only done once as I just recently started working with the chiropractor who owns the cold laser.  In this case, we ran the cold laser back and forth over my scar for ten minutes.  This is the scar which I had previously successful treated for pain with neural therapy.  About nine minutes into the treatment, I felt an energetic shift in my body.  The lights in the room became much brighter to my vision which is something I have experienced before during other successful treatments.  What exactly the cold laser did with that scar I can’t explain.  It didn’t immediately cause any changes in my health.  However, it did do something on an energetic level that I could feel in my body.  This chiropractor says he has treated many scars over the years including but not limited to accidental scars, surgical scars, and tattoos.  It has made a significant difference for many.

So while I don’t think that for most people these therapies will be a miracle cure, they are definitely options to be considered, especially if your scars are causing you pain.  They should also be considered if your autoimmune problems started after a surgery, accident, or other event which left a physical scar on or in your body.  If you live in Austin and are looking for referrals to practitioners who can help with these types of scars, please feel free to contact me.

© 2013 Green Heart Guidance

Back when I was in sixth grade, I started a new, small all girls Catholic school.  I was a year younger than my classmates, and I was an outcast who had recently moved from out-of-state.  I did not fit in.   However, I was very quickly befriended by the other outcast in the class. She was the oldest in the class (with 20 months between our birthdays), and she was physically smaller than average.  Shannon was confident and outgoing, skills that aren’t generally appreciated amongst middle schoolers.  While we both gained a lot of new friends in seventh grade when our class size doubled and our friendship changed over the years, we still have remained friends for the past 29 years.

Fast-forward to our college years when we were on different coasts of the country.  Shannon called to let me know that she was bisexual.  My first thought was, “Um.  Yes.  I already knew that.”  Nothing changed between us.  She was still my friend, regardless of her sexual preference.

Moving forward 15 years, Shannon explored hir gender identity further.  Ze discovered at that point that ze was genderqueer:  Someone who does not identify as either male or female.  Ze requested that hir friends begin using the gender neutral pronouns “ze” and “hir” when referring to hir.  The concept of genderqueer was new to me, so I learned about it.  This was my friend, and I wanted to understand as much about hir as I could.  And guess what? Ze’s still my friend.

Shannon eventually met Katie ten years ago, and they fell in love.  Last year they held a commitment ceremony.  I wasn’t able to attend due to my health, but Shannon and Katie Skyped the ceremony so that both me and another very pregnant guest and her wife were able to attend in more than just spirit.  It was wonderful to be there in that way.  This year, Shannon and Katie legally sealed the deal.  I am so happy Shannon has brought Katie into my life, and I consider them both to be my friends now.  Katie identifies as pansexual since she is married to someone who identifies as neither male nor female.  Sexuality is more than just binary.

I am a monogamous heterosexual woman.  However, I am unable to count the number of friends I have who are gay, lesbian, trans, queer, bisexual, polyamorous, kinky, and more.  Because I don’t fit in any societally approved box, I have many friends who don’t fit in boxes either whether regarding their sexuality or other parts of their lives.  Actually, I’d say that’s most of my friends.  To me, people are people.  I don’t choose my friends based on whom they sleep with.  I am drawn to friends who accept me for whom I am, and I do the same for them.

Please know that if you are considering working with me, I am by all means LGBTQQIA friendly.  As a healer, I welcome those who may find themselves less than accepted in other parts of society.  This includes but is not limited to those with disabilities; those recovering from substance abuse issues; those in non-traditional family units; those in minority racial, ethnic or religious groups; agnositics or atheists; and those in the LBGTQQIA community. If some of these issues come up as part of your healing process, I will not have the understanding of someone who has walked in your shoes, but I will have the compassion of someone who embraces difference as part of what makes this world so beautiful.

© 2013 Green Heart Guidance

My most important rule of thumb when it comes to buying crystals is to buy whatever is “talking” to you.  Last fall, I was at a sale at our local rock store.  I found myself in front of the same sale table three times.  Even my daughter noticed that I kept coming back to that table.  Clearly there was something I needed on it.  I figured out that it was a $3 piece of fluorite.  At that price, I figured I had nothing to lose.  It turned out to be a very powerful stone in my personal healing.  I find this to be true any time I go into a crystal store:  Spiritual guidance helps me find what I need to bring home with me to work with in the upcoming weeks.

But what crystals should a beginner buy to have around when they are just getting started with crystal healing?  Again, this will be a matter of personal intuition and guidance.  I would recommend buying at least one crystal or stone to work with each of the seven major chakras.  While stones are usually the same color as the color of the chakra they work with, that isn't always true.  Still, going for a stone of each major color will serve most people well.  Within those guidelines, the following are my recommendations.

Base chakra:  This is the chakra that grounds you and connects you to the earth.  You want something strong that feels heavy.  This is the stone you want to use when you feel scared or flighty or in danger.  For me, the stone is black obsidian.  For others, it is hematite or magnetite or sometimes black tourmaline.  Survey the black stones and see which calls the most to you. 

You might also want to consider getting a red stone like a jasper.  Jaspers and agates are both very calming stones for me.  I have a piece of polychrome jasper that is a worry stone, one that fits easily in my hand and works well for rubbing when I am stressed. 

Sacral chakra:  This is one of the few places where I have an absolute recommendation:  Carnelian.  Carnelian works well with issues of sexuality, abuse, and creativity.  Since a vast majority of the population has endured abuse, it can be a very healing stone for many.  It also can be very beautiful.  The one piece I bought initially because I just thought it would make a beautiful paperweight if nothing else!

Solar Plexus:  This is another place where I have a definitive recommendation:  Citrine.  Citrine is a power stone for me.  It works with my self-esteem.  It is protective for me.  It also cleanses auras without retaining the energy so it works well in group situations.  As a secondary stone, I would choose yellow calcite, but it is a distant second.

Heart Chakra:  For most people, rose quartz is the definitive heart chakra stone.  It works around any kind of love related issue.  For me, however, this is one place where I would vary from the norm.  I would select green aventurine for myself.  Green aventurine is the heart shaped stone on my homepage at the moment.  It is a heart healing stone, and it is one that is powerful for me.  This is part of where my business name came from! 

Because I have done a lot of heart chakra work, I have several other green stones that I have strong attachments to.  I love peridot, prehnite, and green apophyllite.  Once again, let your gut feeling be your guide.  If something attracts your attention and you can’t stop thinking about it as you walk around the store, clearly that is a crystal you need to work with.

Throat Chakra:  I think most people would suggest lapis lazuli as a primary throat chakra stone, and I would likely agree.  It is a good strong stone for many issues related to the throat.  I tend to prefer blue kyanite for myself.  I’ve also had very powerful healing experiences with angelite (which is also a crown chakra stone in my experience) and iolite (for parasite elimination in my gut).  For one client, I recommended aquamarine because her guides showed it to me, and when we checked with crystal reference books, it was right on target with her fifth chakra issues.

Third Eye Chakra:  Amethyst is the unquestionable crystal for most people.  It is a very powerful protector and healer.  It is just a stone that radiates strength.  For myself, I prefer ametrine which combines the energy of amethyst and citrine together into an even more powerful stone for me. 

I also would select a piece of multi-colored fluorite that was predominantly purple.  I have a fluorite pendant that is purple, blue, green, and white but appears purple unless held to the light.  I wore it for five months straight, and it changed my life.  If I could only have one stone, it would be a multicolored fluorite.  It is that powerful of a stone for me.  However, for others, there are other stones that are far more important for them to work with.

Crown chakra:  For almost everyone, the obvious choice will be clear quartz.  Clear quartz is considered to be the master crystal that amplifies the energy of all other crystals.  Clear quartz can be used for cleaning the negative energy out of other stones which are able to pick up energy but not release it on their own.  I keep large pieces of clear quartz in two locations in my home, and when I return from being out in the world, I take off my crystal jewelry and put it on the clear quartz in order to clean any negative energy I’ve picked up or released during that day.

Other white stones have played stronger roles in my personal healing, though.  Selenite is a very powerful crown chakra stone that is good for clearing one’s aura and for protection.  Clear calcite has helped me including when my body’s stores of minerals were out of balance.  Angelite, green apophyllite, spirit quartz, and celestite are all other stones which aren’t white or clear but which have helped me in connecting with higher powers and energies.

There are many other stones that I love which have led to powerful healing experiences for me that I don’t have listed above including Atlantisite, black opal, blue calcite, desert rose, blue-green tourmaline, turquoise, charoite, dendritic agate, larimar, pearl, diamond, ruby, topaz, tiger eye, labradorite and moonstone.  These are stones which I bought as I added to my collection and progressed in my spiritual journey.

I have also found that for many men, metallic stones are their power stones just as green aventurine is one of my power stones.  I personally have no real attraction topyrite or magnetite, but I know several men in my life who can’t get enough of them.

The bottom line is that you should buy what calls to you.  The employees in your local rock store should be able to assist you.  If you live in Austin and would like me to assist you in crystal selection, I am happy to do outcall appointments at Nature’s Treasures so that you can have someone to personally assist you in finding crystals that resonate with your higher powers if you aren’t in open contact with them yet.  I’m able to work with groups as well.

© 2013 Green Heart Guidance

Last night during my meditation, I was listening to Fire Within by Libana.  Normally meditation music is just noise in the background that keeps me focused on the meditation.  However, the lyrics to "I Will Be Gentle with Myself" suddenly became very loud in my head.  When that happens, I know that is a sign that I need to listen and apply them to my life.   I am sharing with others because it seems like a great message for all of us to remember.

"I will be gentle with myself
I will love myself
I am a child of the Universe
Being born each moment."

© 2013 Green Heart Guidance

For those who have ever wondered what the visions I receive look like, the Codex Seraphinianus is an amazing start to describing them.  Published by Luigi Serafini in 1981, this work is an amazing encyclopedia of illustrations and a created language.

I'm sure most people's first thought when looking at it is not, "He's an intuitive and visionary!"  However, that was the first thought that came into my head as I looked at these pages.   I don't have the artistic skills to draw things the way he does, but looking through the illustrations that are posted on the-dimka.livejournal.com, I felt as though I was receiving one of my healing messages.  While I certainly don't speak whatever language this is written in, I did feel like I could understand some of the pictures once I flipped into my third eye vision.  Looking at them through my normal view, though, they seem really crazy though beautifully drawn. 

Because the visions I receive are like this, it requires "translation" which is why I don't do on-the-spot messages for people most of the time.  I need time to figure out what exactly I just saw.  I can't tell you how many times in the course of receiving messages I've asked the guides, "What in the hell is that?"  :)  All of it is really "out there" stuff, and many days I tell the guides I am communicating with that I would really appreciate it if they would just use English subtitles!

© 2013 Green Heart Guidance

How did I end up becoming a holistic life coach and intuitive energy healer?  It is a very long story.  It certainly is not what I had planned for life.  As I left high school, I planned to be a teacher, a wife, and a mother.  I earned my undergraduate degree in history and English with secondary teaching certification at The University of Texas at Austin.  I then went to Boston College and earned an M.A. in Theology with a focus on the History of Christianity.  After a short stint teaching, I returned to U.T. and academia to get my Ph.D. in American Studies writing my dissertation on Irish Catholic immigrant women in the U.S., 1845-1915.  I thought I was going to become an adjunct professor while my children were young.  It turns out that life had different plans for me.

In 2003, my health collapsed.  I was exhausted beyond belief, and I was having problems with synthetic chemicals such as perfume.  However, based on the fact that I had three children under the age of three, my well-meaning but erroneous family practice doctor decided that I was suffering from depression.  To get him to stop talking to me, I took the prescription for an anti-depressant and promptly tore it up as I left the office.

Eventually I was given a legal diagnosis for chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) and fibromyalgia (FM).  My health continued spiraling downward.  I was clearly suffering from multiple chemical sensitivities (MCS) as well.  By 2005, I was in bed for 22+ hours a day, hardly able to function.  I would leave the house for only a few hours every month to go see my new doctor, and despite the fact he keeps a green office, I would be sick for days after going.  My then husband had to drive me to the appointments because I wasn’t strong enough to drive myself.

I spent years in recovery.  I quickly exhausted my doctor’s bag of tricks even though he works with the CFS/FM/MCS population.  It then became a matter of me doing on the internet looking for new treatment options to try.  My Ph.D. served a new purpose as I spent my free time and very minimal energy researching health issues and reading medical studies.

Over the years I would be asked frequently by very well-meaning folks, “Have you tried…?”  The answer almost always was yes.  Usually it was something I tried to no avail early in my illness.  Other times people would insist I try some experimental procedure that I had already researched and decided was inappropriate for me.  They insisted that I couldn’t say it wouldn’t help me if I didn’t try.  However, I had learned over the years of illness to hone my intuition.  I have a 95% success rate for myself when it comes to predicting the outcomes of supplements and treatments.  When I ignored that intuition, I often ended up spending money on a useless treatment, or worse yet, harming myself from something I knew would not be good for me.  I learned how to listen to my body and know what it needs.  Listening to one’s body and one’s intuition is a very difficult concept for many people to understand.

Eventually in 2009, I decided to be tested for Lyme Disease using IgeneX testing, and not surprisingly, it was positive.  I had been bit in 1994 on a trip to Missouri, and at that time, I had suffered from extreme fatigue and flu like symptoms.  I had a rash, but it wasn’t a bull’s eye rash, so my doctor was skeptical it was Lyme.  The test she ran (which I now know has a 50% false negative rate) was negative.  Had I been treated with four weeks of antibiotics then, my life might have been very different.  However, that isn’t what happened.  Lyme is a very political disease, and the CDC does not believe that late disseminated Lyme Disease exists.  Based on my personal experience, I disagree violently.  I have many other strong opinions about Lyme and other tick related diseases as well (since I tested positive for Ehrlichia and we suspect I had/have Bartonella as well).

A few months later, I threw my back out while walking in a local park.  I had used chiropractic care before, but the office I had previously utilized had begun spraying down the rooms with a toxic cleaner that I cannot tolerate.  They refused to stop.  I was referred to another chiropractic office in town where I found my future waiting.  The chiropractors in this office worked different than any of the previous ones I had seen.  About six months into my time there, my primary chiropractor asked if he could take over directing my healthcare treatment.  Since none of my other doctors were really directing me in any way, I agreed, feeling an amazing relief that someone I truly trusted was interested in helping get me better. 

From there it was the beginning of another long road, but at least I was finally seeing significant albeit very slow progress.  My healing took another turn in October 2011 when a therapist told me, “You’re an intuitive empath.”  My response was, “I’m a what?”  I learned that I feel other people’s emotions in my own body (much like Counselor Deanna Troi on Star Trek:  The Next Generation), and I am very sensitive to messages from higher powers outside of humanity.  Over the next few months, my therapist and a new chiropractor in the same office helped me start to rebuild my grounding and shielding mechanisms.  I soon switched therapists to work with a woman who had even more ability to help me work with these skills and to become an emotionally healthier intuitive who could safely help herself and others.

In February 2013, I decided one day to listen to my body during my massage.  I was expecting to hear where pain was that I had been repressing.  Instead, I experienced a true shock.  I connected with my spirit guide.  As I received that first healing message, I was in awe at what I was seeing and hearing.  Since then, I discovered that I can use all five of my primary senses to connect with the other side of the astral plane.  What’s more, it’s not just me whom I can receive healing messages for:  It’s anyone.  With their permission, I can connect to others’ guides to receive messages for them to accelerate and accentuate their paths of healing.

By tapping into those healing messages, astronomical leaps forward in my healing have happened.  I am able to regularly socialize in public, something I had not done in nine years.  I can occasionally eat conventional food in restaurants without getting sick. I have many food sensitivities, but I can eat around them.  I still must nap daily, and I still cannot be around perfume, cologne, other heavily fragrant body products, or scented candles.  I can only function in public for a few hours at a time. However, after being bedbound at one point, I feel like I have won the lottery.  Each day that passes brings more healing.

As I began contemplating this new business, I felt it might be hypocritical that someone who is still working so hard on her own health issues could be helping others.  I am clearly not even 50% well yet.  However, I thought about it quite a bit.  Most of my health practitioners struggle with their own health issues and personal demons.  As a result of my pondering, I realized that no one is ever 100% healed.  We all continue working on our personal battles across our lifetimes.  The major difference is that unlike others who aren’t aware of their shortcomings, I am consciously working on improving myself, and I plan to keep walking down that road until I die. 

Ultimately, I decided that I have been given too great of a gift not to share it.  My ability to use all five of my primary senses to connect with the other side of the astral plane is a blessing that has the potential to help many others on their healing journey.  If I don’t share this gift with others, I would be horribly selfish.  In addition, I’ve discovered that helping others helps me heal as well.  I am so grateful for this opportunity that I have been blessed with, and I look forward to working with many others striving for physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health in the future.

© 2013 Green Heart Guidance

Fourteen years ago, my oldest daughter Rebecca died unexpectedly during her birth.  She was moments away from being born when her heartbeat disappeared.  There was no malpractice; we never got a definitive cause of death.  It was simply one of those awful things that happens. 

Since then, I have often been asked what to do when someone else’s baby dies.  It’s a horribly heartbreaking situation, and those who haven’t experienced it personally feel at a loss for how to help.  The following are some of my suggestions based on my experience.  Always use your best judgment to decide what is best for the bereaved family you want to help.

Attend the funeral or memorial service if possible. 

Even if you don’t know the family incredibly well, your presence will mean the world to the grieving parents.  The sheer number of people who turned out astonished us and helped us feel loved and supported in our time of grief.

Yes, you will likely cry.  So will they.  It’s part of what happens at funerals.  No one will judge you for crying.  We knew it was going to be an issue and had boxes of tissues in all of the pews in the chapel we had Rebecca’s service in.  We were sitting in the front row, completely oblivious to what was going on behind us, but a good friend said that during the song  we played near the end, the boxes of tissues were moving fast and furious between people in the pews.

Even if you don’t know what to say to the family, shake their hands or give them hugs and say, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”  That will say it all.  One woman in the receiving line that spontaneously formed after the memorial service for Rebecca couldn’t even get that out.  She was completely choked up, but she gave me a huge hug and moved on.  She has a daughter who was born only three months before my daughter.  I understood what she was processing and why she couldn’t say more.  Silence can be the right choice at times.

Donate to the charity of choice if you are able.

Unless you have a huge moral opposition to the charity of the family’s choice, your gift will mean a lot to them.  My then husband and I chose to set up a scholarship fund in memory of our daughter. We truly appreciate all the donations that went toward it.  It has been a gift that keeps on giving as many years we hear from the actual scholarship recipients in the annual financial update on the scholarship.  That annual letter never fails to bring me to tears (in a good way).

We also had people send flowers to our home immediately after the death.  This is a tradition in our culture for many, but not everyone appreciates it.  Unless you know the family wants cut flowers, it might actually cause issues for them.  To me, cut flowers are just dying in front of me.  I didn’t want to deal with another aspect of death at that point.  I also am allergic to many varieties of flowers, so many of the flowers we received were problematic.  We lived in a smallish home, and there wasn’t much of a place to put them on display where they wouldn’t bother me.  I finally put the worst offender on the front porch.  While it was generously given as a way of sending sympathy, it was making me miserable!

If the family does not ask for charitable donations, offer to create a charity gift fund and follow through with it.

Perhaps the family often visits a local park where you can donate funds and have a plaque or tile put up in memory of their baby.  Other locations have tree planting memorial programs. Perhaps they belong to a church where there is a memory wall that you can donate to.  Whatever you offer to do, make it something that would provide a meaningful gift to the family and their community.

Offer to set up a care calendar for food donations.

Our daughter died before the wonders of the internet.  We were overwhelmed with food being brought to our home.  We truly appreciated the food, and the spicy Indian food our next-door neighbors made for me will forever be in my mind as one of my best meals ever after months of pregnancy-induced heartburn preventing me from eating such things.   However, there was just too much.  We didn’t have an additional freezer to put things in.  It would have been great to have a calendar set up so we could have spread out food and visits from friends over the next month or two.

Be specific in your offers of help.

I have found throughout my life that when people say to me, “Call me if you need anything” that I almost never do.  However, in times of intense stress including after Rebecca died, I responded incredibly well to specific offers.  One friend and his wife offered to do the music for the service and then did the music for our subsequent twins’ baptisms as part of their compassion and their healing.  They brought us hymnals to look at, and once we had selected the music, they took over everything from there.  We didn’t have to worry about anything.  It was a wonderful gift to us.

Another friend was a Type A organizer amongst our social group.  When she called and asked to help, it felt perfect to let her to take over plans for the reception after the memorial.  She did a fabulous job, and when anyone else asked about it or about giving us more food, I would just send them to her.  Even though I love organizing events, I was so grateful not to have to plan that.

Other specific things you can suggest include offering to drive to the doctor’s office for postpartum visits and to be there to hold a hand.  Returning to the doctor’s office near the hospital (if they used one) might be difficult.  If you are going to the store and live near them, call on your way out the door and say, “Hey, I’m headed to the grocery store.   Can I pick you up anything?”  Trips to pick up other supplies at big box stores might also be appreciated.

If you are a close friend, be aware that the parents may need to do things like return to the mortuary to pick up ashes, go to the coroner’s office to pick up autopsy results, or spend hours on the phone wrangling with insurance over bills for the child who died.  If you can help with those in any way, please offer.  I did all of the above by myself not realizing that I could have asked a friend to come with me and help support me.

We did not have any other living children at that point, but other families may need help with transportation and playdates for their living children especially while the mother is recovering from the birth.  Even though she is not staying up countless hours at night taking care of a newborn, her body will still need to heal from the birth.  Offer to help with the other children just as you would have done if their baby had lived.

Respect the family’s grief.

The family is dealing with their own emotional turmoil at this time.  Do not put your problems on them.  One friend was experiencing a miscarriage at the time of Rebecca’s memorial service.  She walked in the door to the chapel with her personal box of tissues under her arm and a very red nose plus tears running down her face.  That was ok.  She was mourning her own loss (as well as two previous ones), and I knew it.  She had managed to come to the memorial service despite her pain, and I was grateful for her presence.   However, another friend showed up on my doorstep and literally fell apart in my arms, bawling about her own issues that weren’t related to my daughter’s death.  That was very much not ok.  The last thing I needed to do was console her.  I was the grieving mother, not her therapist.

Provide the family with a safe space to talk about their grief and their loss.  Don’t change the subject when they talk about their child or their struggles in the postpartum days.  Show them you care by listening.  It’s an amazing gift for you to give to them.

If you are friends with them, continue to go out with them socially as you did before the birth.

Invite your bereaved friends to social events, even if they turn you down.  Continue offering periodically.  When they feel up to it, they will be glad you are still offering.  We lost a few friends after the death of our daughter, and that hurt deeply.  I know this post-loss rejection is a common event as I have heard this from other bereaved families as well.  People feel awkward when a baby has died and don’t know what to do.  Some chose to shut the bereaved family out of their lives rather than facing their fears and issues.

At the same time, respect limits set by the grieving family.  If they tell you, “We think it will be a few months before we are ready to go out again,” then wait two months and ask again.  Also understand that many bereaved parents have difficulties seeing young children.  After the first few days, I was ok with seeing children who were not born near Rebecca’s birthdate.  However, girls with the same name as her or babies who were the same age as her remained triggers for quite a while.  We had some friends who had a healthy baby boy five days after our daughter was born and died.  They were incredibly respectful to us about how the baby (and his baptism and birthdays) might affect us.  The wife talked honestly and openly with me, and through our mutual tears, we were able to find a way to make it all work out for both of us so that they didn’t worry about hurting us and at the same time didn’t feel like they were excluding us.

Mourning doesn’t end after any set period of time.

After the first month, the sympathy cards stopped coming.  That seemed to be the point at which society expected us to move on.  However, that entire first year was very rough for us, and I’m sure it is for many other families as well.  Continue to send them e-mails or cards letting them know that you are thinking of them.  Call and check on them.  If they aren’t feeling up to going out, offer to come to their place with the clear expectation that they should not cook or clean for you.

Continue to send them cards and e-mails as time passes.  In this digital age, program your calendar to remind you each year on their child’s birthday and/or deathday to send them a note saying you are thinking of them.

Also know that other holidays may be rough for them, especially Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and child-focused holidays such as Easter, Halloween, and Christmas or Hanukkah.  Respect that they may be having a rough time around the holidays and might need some extra support at that time.

Honor their tears.  They will continue to cry over their loss of their child.  No calendar will dictate when that will end.  Even as I have typed this blog entry, my tears have flown and a mound of tissues has accumulated next to my keyboard.  It is far healthier for the tears to flow than for the emotions to be stuffed and stored inside of us to fester and cause harm.

Honor their child as a human being.

For a parent who has lost a child, it is a blessing to hear their child’s name spoken out loud.  They know that s/he has not been forgotten.  If they have pictures of their child, be sure to look at them and say anything positive you can. 

Offer to help them frame the photos or set up a display in their home to honor their child if that is something they would like.  I have some of Rebecca’s belongings in a shadow box, a project I did on mostly my own.  I also made a scrapbook of notes and cards I received after her death, a cathartic activity for me.  However, if one of the parents is not crafty and you are, this might be something you could help with.

Things to Avoid

There are no universal truths when it comes to infant loss, but the following points are pretty close to it.  In my discussions with other bereaved parents, mainly mothers, these are issues that many of us faced and resent.

Don’t impart your religious beliefs on them.

You may believe this is part of God’s plan, but they may not.  Even if they were previously religious, many families lose their faith after the death of a child.  Others’ faith grows stronger.  Follow the lead of the family.  If you are meeting in a religious Bible study with them, that is a different story.  However, when you are offering your condolences, do not talk about their guardian angel or God’s mysterious ways.  Simply say, “My heart hurts for you” or “I’m sorry for your loss.”  Nothing more is needed.

Don’t compare this loss to another.

Someone once said that in losing a parent or a grandparent, you lose your past, but in losing a child, you lose your future.  While losing a grandparent or a pet is terrible, it has little in common with losing a child.  Losing a child is unlike any other loss someone experiences in life.  Don’t compare them.  Unless you have lost a child yourself, please don’t say you understand, because you actually don’t.  I have suffered an early miscarriage, and even that didn’t come close to the experience of holding my dead baby in my arms.   Just tell the bereaved family that you are sorry for their loss and that you will be there to help them however you can.

Don’t speculate about future children. 

First of all, no baby replaces another.  If you have children of your own, you already know that.  Every child is unique and individual.  The child these parents lost will never be replaced.   If this child was a twin or other multiple, don’t presume that having other surviving babies will help in some way.  They are still grieving for the child they lost.

Don’t speculate about when they are going to get pregnant again.  It won’t help them to have to answer nosy questions.  The family may not be able to have other children for health or financial reasons.  This may not have been a planned pregnancy.  It may have been an IVF pregnancy using limited funds to finance it.  The mother may have had an emergency hysterectomy after the birth that you aren’t aware of.  The couple’s relationship may be falling apart.  Don’t presume that they will be able to or even want to have another child.

Secondary infertility is an unfortunately common problem.  The couple may have difficulty conceiving again.  They may also choose to postpone conception until a time when they feel they have fully mourned and healed from the loss of their baby.  If and when they announce a subsequent pregnancy, then you may say congratulations.  Until then, their family planning is their business, and you should refrain from inserting yourself into it.

Don’t pretend like their child never existed or deny their parenthood.

Finally, even if they have no other children, this baby’s parents are still parents.  They have a baby they love dearly.  That child is dead, but the child is still theirs.  Do not imply that they are not parents.  Do not imply that the child does not count.  Their child is their beloved child now until their deaths, and in the beliefs of some, even beyond.

One of the most awful things someone said to me was years later after I had given birth to three more living children. Someone with three children asked me, “Isn’t three the most perfect number of children?”  The other people we were with had looks of horror on their faces, knowing full well what the person had said despite knowing about Rebecca’s death.  In a rare moment of actually being able to come up with the perfect response on the spot, I told her, “I wouldn’t know.  I have four children.”

© 2013 Green Heart Guidance