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“You’re So Strong!”

9/3/2014

3 Comments

 
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One of the phrases that I’ve had said to me over and over throughout the years is “you’re so strong.”  People mean this as a compliment. They admire my fortitude when faced with devastating or seemingly impossible circumstances.  However, this is one of those phrases that no matter how well meant, it’s hurtful.

Those who are “so strong” are facing trials that seem insurmountable.  They keep putting one foot in front of the other.  When someone says, “I could never do what you’re doing,” the only polite response one can have is, “I hope you never have to.”  Telling someone that you could never handle what they’re handling is not helpful.  That struggling person never thought they could handle it either until their world was turned upside down.  Regardless of what one believes about how much we choose our destiny in this world, painful struggles are just that:  Painful.  No matter how much positive spin one puts on them, one still is dealing with arduous issues that they wouldn’t wish on their worst enemy.

Some people are better than others at masking their pain and suffering.  Maybe it’s an innate talent.  Maybe it does have to do with inner strength.  Maybe they’ve survived a lifetime of abuse and have learned in a dysfunctional way how to put on a smile for everyone they meet so that no one knows the “dirty” secrets they are protecting.  In many cases, however, those “strong” people you are admiring are crumbling on the inside.  They’re using every bit of strength to keep themselves going each day to fight one more day of a horrible disease or one more day without a job or one more day without a loved one physically present in their lives anymore. 

The next time you want to tell someone “you’re so strong,” stop and think what you really want to say to them.  If what you’re really thinking is, “I’m so glad I don’t have to face the hell you are in,” then withhold the thoughts you’re having.  If what you want to say is, “You’re an amazing person, and you bring so much good into my life,” then pay them the true compliment.  Meanwhile, recognize that what you are seeing on the surface may not be the true reality of what is going on inside any person in a difficult situation.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance.com


3 Comments
Charlene
9/5/2014 08:02:53 pm

Thank you for this. I think this applies to a lot of go - to phrases that people use when talking with someone who is going through a painful experience. I still hate it as an adult when I have to tell someone my father died when I was a kid. I cringe before the words I know they'll say come out of their mouths: "that's so awful, I'm so sorry." It feels like it negates all of the struggle and growth I've made for the better because of going through that experience. Yes, it still hurts three decades later, but I also have a certain appreciation for life that I might not have developed had I not experienced such an intense loss at such a young age. I like that experiencing that pain may have helped make me a more caring and compassionate person.

I think people turn to phrases like, "I'm so sorry" or "you're so strong" out of fear. They fall back on these because they don't know what to say. They want to show they care, but the subject is to scary. Sometimes they're also afraid that if they offer support or help, they'll be taken up on that offer and they don't know if they can help. I'd rather hear someone say, "I don't know what to say or do, but I want you to know that I care about you." It's a little more honest and sincere. It can also help the recipient of those words feel less alone.

Reply
Jeanne
9/7/2014 07:38:47 pm

Thank you. Perfectly put. And, there is a point too, when someone compliments you this way, but offers nothing more, even a positive statement, it makes your journey just a little bit harder. I would rather someone acknowledge my pain and say that they don't know what to say or do, because it is honest. And, you know where they stand and aren't guessing about their real feelings or about their sincerity.

Reply
Elizabeth Galen link
9/8/2014 06:39:55 am

Charlene and Jeanne- Thank you for your comments. I agree with what both of you have written. I learned very quickly that telling people that I had a daughter who died was a great way to stop a conversation and send many people running in the opposite direction. One of the people who did one of the most hurtful things around her death was also one of the easiest to forgive because she told me, "I don't know what to do or say to help you. I'm trying my best and wish I could do more."


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    Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D.

    Holistic Life Coach and
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