If you want to know God, enjoy the company of lovers. ~Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks

I have an account with many boards on Pinterest that I use for collecting work related articles and pictures.  Because I have boards about relationships and spirituality, Pinterest will often suggest pins to me that are about traditional Christian marriage values.  While I can see where the algorithm is getting the idea these articles might be of interest to me, it couldn't be further from the truth in pinpointing my beliefs.

Lately I’ve been seeing quite a few pins that are variations on the idea that “True Love Always Waits.”  Someone in the Universe must be encouraging me to do some deep healing because this is a very touchy (no pun intended) issue for me based on my personal history. I was raised Catholic and attended an all-girls' Catholic school from grades 6-12. As is required by Catholic teachings, we learned that sex before marriage was a sin. We also learned that boys who pushed us for sex rather than waiting didn't really love us. As young women, we were not expected to actually want to have sex except under pressure from our dates.  These ideas are wrong on so many levels, and in many cases, they are psychologically damaging.

To start with, I do not believe that sex before marriage is a sin.  In my view, sex is an intimate connection between two people. I believe it is sacred, and I believe that it can bring us closer to God.  However, I also believe it can be a lot of fun and can help bond a couple regardless of their marital status. For many people, marriage is no more than a legal piece of paper. It in no way reflects the commitment and love shared by the couple in most cases.  It’s merely a formality for the sake of society.

The idea that sex belongs in marriage began for two different reasons. The first was a male dominated culture that wanted to ensure that the bride was a virgin who would only bear the fruit of her husband’s loins. The second was an attempt to prevent the spread of STDs.  The first is obviously irrelevant in today’s age of genetic testing. The second is still a legitimate concern, though we now have condoms to help with it.

When I was in high school taking a required love and marriage class in my senior year, the concept of sexual compatibility was not even remotely discussed. Sex was presented as having a magic formula of one man and one woman. With a little foreplay thrown in to satisfy the woman, that’s all that a couple needed to have a successful sexual relationship.  The reality of that couldn't be further from the truth. Sex between two amazing people who love each other can still be truly awful if the chemistry is not there or if their sexual preferences are not in alignment with each other. Getting stuck in an unhappy marriage without sexual compatibility is a realistic situation when one believes that sex should not happen until after marriage.  No amount of love or therapy can fix a situation like this.

Another topic that was very much omitted in high school and in our society in general is the idea of women wanting sex: That’s completely healthy and normal. However, if you pay attention to magazine article titles while standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, you’ll quickly notice that our society functions on a misguided belief that all women have low sex drives and all men have high sex drives.  Women aren't supposed to want sex in the same way men do. That means that for women who do want to have sex but are partnered with a man who wants to wait, they can end up feeling like misfits, sexual freaks of nature or undesirable women.

Another common line is that men only want sex for pleasure's sake but that they don’t really love women if they have sex before marriage.  Men wanting sex absolutely doesn't mean they don’t love the women involved.  It means they are human.  When men are wanting sex alone with no emotional involvement or commitment, women may find that situation to be problematic. However, there are a lot of variations between the two extremes.  Finding that fine line of knowing he loves you and wants you for more than just your body is hard, especially when one is young.  However, it’s entirely possible that a man may want to have sex with a woman before marriage to show his love and develop intimacy.

Then there’s that horrible idiom, “Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free?” This line implies that if a woman gives a man sex before marriage, he’ll never marry her.  Aside from the terrible idea of comparing women to farm animals, this saying denigrates both men and women.  Women are not objects to be bought or sold.  Not all men are unable to control their sexual urges nor are they out to just use women for sex.  Many do have good intentions at heart.

In today’s modern world, marriage is not always a viable or practical option. When my ex and I were dating, we were in high school and college; marrying would have meant that we would have lost our health insurance policies through our parents' employers. I have heard of other situations where elderly widows and widowers can’t afford to remarry because they would lose their late spouse’s pension and therefore would not be able to support themselves even meagerly in retirement.  I know another couple who has chosen not to marry because it would cost them tax benefits on the two homes they own, one under each of their names.  Sadly, finances are an important part of survival in our world.

In my own relationship with my ex-husband, the “true love waits” idea was a huge problem for us.  We both grew up Catholic; my ex was far more strict in his moral beliefs than I was, though.  (Ironically, he’s now an atheist.)  He came from a family where sexuality wasn't ever a topic of discussion except to say how wrong sex was before marriage.  Like most young humans, my ex deeply absorbed those views that were being presented to him.  The problem arose when my ex and I had been dating for far too many years to remain celibate (5+ years before we married). There’s no magic number of how long any couple should or shouldn't wait. However, in our case, not having sex actually became very damaging to our relationship after several years even though all those Catholic tales swore that having sex before marriage was the damaging thing. My ex-husband eventually realized much later that his previous views were damaging to our relationship, and he regretted them. His apology during marriage therapy gave me an amazing amount of relief, though it didn't happen soon enough to prevent a great deal of pain in our relationship twenty years earlier.

So what do I teach my children? I have taught them that sex is intimate and powerful. It can be amazing in the right circumstances but it also can be emotionally painful and damaging if it happens in the wrong circumstances. My general belief is that if you’re not willing to deal with the logical consequences of sex (getting pregnant, a realistic risk since no birth control method aside from complete abstinence is 100% reliable), then you shouldn't be having sex. It’s just basic logic to me. Once you’re in a place in your life where you could support and raise a child, then you should wait to have sex with someone who truly cares about you and respects you. That person should see you as a whole person, not just a body to provide physical pleasure. Sex should be a part of an intimate relationship with your partner, an act that brings you closer together regardless of your marital status.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

Following the series finale of Glee just a few weeks ago, I have been listening to some of the music of various cast members on Spotify. In particular, Matthew Morrison (a.k.a. Will Schuester on Glee) starred in a Broadway version of South Pacific. His version of “You've Got to Be Carefully Taught” really caught my ear.  Thetongue-in-cheek lyrics proclaim:

You've got to be taught before it's too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people your relatives hate,
You've got to be carefully taught!

South Pacific originally premiered on Broadway in 1949. These lyrics are such powerful words that are still so true 65 years later. Our children are blank slates at birth upon whom we make great impressions. Children come into the world loving, caring, and blind to the social categories that previous generations have created. It’s only when others tell them that skin color is problematic or someone’s sexual orientation is wrong that they begin to believe such untruths.

Recent events in Indiana and elsewhere continue to demonstrate that there are still plenty of haters in the world, and as Taylor Swift has duly noted, “haters gonna hate.” However, it’s never too late or too difficult for each of us as individuals to show love and acceptance rather than hatred and discrimination. As author Shakti Gawain writes, "Transformation begins on an individual level and moves out into the world."  If all of us make changes as individuals, we’ll become role models for future generations who won’t be taught to hate.  And if each of us changes individually, eventually the majority of our society will have changed as well. It’s a slow grass-roots way of bringing about change, but it’s very effective. Change begins within each of us.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

When children are young, they have no sense of shame about their bodies until older humans teach them that their bodies are something to hide.  Modesty is not a trait that we are born with.  Any parent of a toddler or young child can affirm that.  When my kids were little, we used to call my youngest “the gingerbread man” after a Joe Scruggs song by the same name from a musical calledNot Afraid of the Dark.  In that song, a young child has gotten out of the tub and begins his/her/hir nightly streaking routine:

"Bathtime's over; I’m almost a prune.
Get your pajamas on ‘cause it’s bedtime soon.
Mom dries me off; she holds my pjs out
But I run past her and then I shout
Singing, 'Run, Run as fast as you can.
You can’t catch me; I’m the gingerbread man.'
Mom’s chasing me, my pajamas in her hand
She can't catch me; I'm the gingerbread man.
I run past Dad. He says I look cute
Running by in my birthday suit.
Mom's getting tired; she hands my pjs to dad.
And this is the most fun that I've ever had."

Young children love being naked.  It’s their natural state.  Yet we as adults try to hide nudity from our children.  We consider it taboo for children to see naked bodies.  This is more a reflection of our own fears rather than a need to protect them from something that is completely unnatural and dangerous:  The human body in its most natural state is nothing to be ashamed of or to fear.

However, most of us grow up, and we become conditioned by society to hide our bodies.  Even more problematically, we become ashamed of our bodies, too.  We learn from the media, from movies, and from others around us that if our body is anything less than perfect, we should not show or share it.  While most of our society doesn't endorse burqas, we do have ideals about what a “bikini body” is and who is entitled to wear a bikini.

Here's a shocker, though:  Most bodies don’t look like Photoshopped models.  We come in all shapes and sizes.  Many years ago, I stumbled upon The Shape of a Mother when I was looking for photos of twin skin to explain it to someone.  (Twin skin is the abnormally stretched and baggy abdominal skin that many mothers of multiples end up with after their pregnancies are over.)  I was thrilled to see someone trying to normalize what women's bodies look like after pregnancy.  More projects like this one such as Expose Photoshoot by Liora K Photography serve to help normalize women’s bodies as beautiful no matter what shape, size, or color they are.  Books like This is Who I Am: Our Bodies in All Shapes and Sizes by Roseanne Olson further the cause of accepting our bodies as they are.  Women don’t have to be skinny and smooth to be beautiful:  They are already perfect in their own right just by being themselves.

As I have reentered the dating world, I've found a very bizarre dominant idea that many middle-aged heterosexual men want women to have “perfect” bodies.  The men want the women to be skinny, fit, and for lack of a better term, future trophy wives.  The men who are willing to accept women who don’t live up to society's ideals of a perfect body are few and far between.  It seems that most men have absorbed the idea that women should look like models even if the men themselves aren't in the greatest shape.  I've heard from male friends that it’s true on the other side of the fence as well:  Most women want men who are athletic or at least slender in build.  It's a sad commentary on our society when looks are valued far more than personalities, talents, and abilities. 

So how do we go about changing these false ideals?  Projects such as the above ones help to breakdown the distorted notions of beauty that have been created in our society.  Boycotting dating sites such as Tinder which place an emphasis on looks over anything is a way to help squelch such practices.  Most importantly, we need to be teaching our children that they are so much more than the shape of their bodies.  We need to teach them not to be ashamed of their bodies.  They are amazing people no matter what they look like.  If we teach them to accept themselves just as they are, then perhaps future generations will be able to change our distorted ideals which use specific physical standards to judge beauty rather than looking at the whole person.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

For my entire life, I have sworn that I will never move to California.  I have been absolutely certain that half the state is about to fall into the ocean due to earthquakes.  When my ex-husband graduated from grad school, we had two options of where he could work given his specialty: Silicon Valley in California or Austin, Texas.  Given the cost of living in California and my prejudices against the whole state, we stayed in Austin.

Fast-forward 20 years, and I was watching the original Superman movie starring Christopher Reeve with my kids.  Suddenly I realized my childhood viewing of this movie was the origins of my prejudice in California:  The whole premise of that movie is that Lex Luthor is planning to create an earthquake that will drop half the state into the ocean in order to create new ocean front property so he can make a hefty profit.  I sat there in amazement and horror as I watched the film.  Had one movie really influenced my thought patterns that much for the majority of my life?

More recently, Fifty Shades of Grey is a movie that is having a much larger impact on our society.  When the book by E.L. James first became popular, friends of mine who are active in the local BDSM community came out strongly against the book.  Many of these people are highly educated, and their first critique was always about how terribly written the books in the series are.  Several told me not to bother reading the series because the writing errors would make the English teacher in me crazy.  I trusted the friends enough to believe them, so I have never even perused the books.  I don’t feel like I’m missing too much.

The next critique from my openly kinky friends was that the books are not representative of a healthy BDSM lifestyle. As many reviews, blogs, and articles have noted, the book (and its subsequent movie) does not reflect the ideals of safe, sane and consensual sexuality. Rather, Fifty Shades of Grey promotes a damaged relationship based on abuse.  This is not the healthy ideal of a sexual relationship nonetheless a healthy kinky relationship.

So how does this play out in its influence on our greater American culture?  On one hand, by being an antithesis of positive sexual relationships, Fifty Shades of Grey has certainly promoted many enlightening discussions about what healthy romantic and sexual relationships look like. It has also brought attention to the abuse suffered by many women.  The more that these issues are discussed, the more opportunities there are for people to learn and grow.

On the other hand, there has been an increase of Christian Grey wanna bes on dating websites.  In some cases, these men are harmless:  They’ve been inspired by the movie to explore their kinky sexual sides.  More power to them for wanting to find out more about themselves.  However, in many other cases, it’s clear that something much more sinister is at work. There has also been an uptick in angry sadistic men looking to vent their violent emotions on women as they mimic Christian Grey.  In one profile I viewed recently, a very bitter man began his profile with a profanity laden tirade about how horrible all women are, but then he ironically wanted to find women who would submit sexually to his desires.  His profile picture was a teddy bear whose face had been eviscerated leaving Polyfil stuffing falling out.  I can only hope that any woman who reads his profile will recognize as clearly as I did that this man has serious issues and likely needs professional help, not a whipping girl.  This is the negative side of Fifty Shades of Grey:  People who feel validated in their anger and abusive actions against the opposite sex.  

Movies have a greater power to shape mass and individual consciousness than many of us realize.  Most people are well aware of the potential impact of violent video games upon children teens, but the impact of movies upon our consciousness is not as well recognized. Entertainment is not just fun:  It shapes our culture, our ideas, our desires, and our prejudices. The titillating nature of Fifty Shades of Grey propelled it to the forefront of our discussions, but let’s hope that it also creates a positive impact in the long run by shining light on the issue of abuse in our society. 

As for my part, I am now aware of the roots of my California prejudice.  Recognizing the basis of that fear of mine has liberated me.  I hope to travel to California in the next few years, and I've actually opened my mind to the possibility of even moving to northern California once my kids are grown!  

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

In recent months, my kids and I have been watching Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I watched a bunch of the episodes back in the 1990s in reruns, but this is the first time around for my kids.  It’s been fun seeing their reactions to the series, especially to “‘80s hair” which they love to ridicule.  For me, I’m seeing totally different things this time around than I saw twenty years ago.

In season six, many of the episodes at the beginning of the season were appealing to me for how insightful they actually are.  One episode in particular, “Realm of Fear,” deals with psychological phobias.  As a clear parody to fear of flying in our time, Lieutenant Barclay has a severe fear of transporting.  Ship’s counselor and empath Deanna Troi teaches Barclay a Betazoid relaxation technique known as plexing.  To engage in plexing, the person who is experiencing fear taps on a point on the neck behind the ear.  This point corresponds with gallbladder 12 in Chinese acupuncture; one of its uses is actually for regulating and calming the spirit.

As I watched this episode and as Troi began teaching Barclay about flexing, I immediately thought, “That’s basically EFT!”  EFT is short for Emotional Freedom Technique, and it’s an increasingly popular method of conquering psychological, emotional, and physical issues.   I've known people who have used it for releasing stored trauma, for controlling stress and anxiety, and for weight loss among many other issues.  While it is always great to learn a method like this from an experienced practitioner who is also able to assist with issues that might arise along the way, there are videos on the internet to teach it to oneself.

In EFT, which is sometimes just called “tapping,” an individual taps on a series of acupuncture points while reciting a formulaic mantra that s/he/ze adapts to the specific situation at hand.  So, for example, if I were dealing with stage fright, I would tap on the designated series of points while reciting to myself, “I deeply love and accept myself, and I am an amazing actress who feels completely comfortable on the stage.”  I would recite this mantra as I worked my way through all of the EFT tapping points.

I was first introduced to EFT about eight years ago.  To be honest, I absolutely hated it when I was introduced to it.  It made me feel awkward.  The formulaic mantra did not work for me.  Nothing about it felt right.  However, I was open to trying it because I had several friends who absolutely loved it.  Despite my efforts, it just didn’t seem like the right approach to me, so I gave up on it.  

A couple of years later, I began working with a group of chiropractors who use a different set of tapping points across the entire body without a mantra as they help process stored trauma.  They tap on the patients using the points that show up during an applied kinesiology chiropractic session.  This set of points actually rings far more true for me, and I will often notice that some of those points are the ones that hurt when I am in emotional distress.

As I developed my intuitive abilities, I began pulling up emotional traumas from this life and past lives that I needed to work through.  As the deep painful emotions came to the surface, I began tapping on my own.  I listened to my intuition, and I tapped where I was being told.  Most of the points are the ones that the chiropractors I see use, some are EFT points, but others are acupuncture points that aren't commonly used for processing emotional pain.  They are ones that I need to use, though.  I then formulate my own mantra that works for me for that particular situation.  For example, sometimes the mantra is, “The past is the past; I am safe now.”  Other times it might be, “I am alive and healthy.”  Whatever the necessary mantra is, it quickly comes to mind for me and I am certain it is what I need to work through that issue.  On my own, I have used tapping to help clear various stored traumas.  I couldn’t imagine not having that skill to help me in my healing.

As I began talking to my youngest child after we watched the show, I told him that plexing was a version of a technique that therapists use to help people with stress.  His response was, “That’s real?”  It was a surprise to him that there a similar successful method for handling stress; he had assumed it was totally science fiction.  Plexing may be a science fiction, but EFT is definitely not.  It helps many people to release stored emotions in their bodies and to find a greater peace than talk therapy alone can provide.  If you are searching for a new therapist or life coach, I highly recommend working with one who uses EFT or one of the many other techniques out there for processing the traumas that might be holding you back.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

I spent a significant portion of my childhood and the early part of my adulthood as a Catholic; at one point, my Catholic school classmates believed I was the mostly likely person in our class of 51 to become a nun if not Pope.  (I was actually the first to get married, having never entered the convent; two other classmates did enter the convent with one professing final vows.)  I also received my master’s degree from Boston College in theology with an emphasis on the history of Christianity.  Thus, when issues around Catholicism arise in society, they often intrigue me.  One such topic is the popular tradition of giving up something for Lent. 

In Catholicism and other Christian traditions, the idea behind giving something up for Lent is to make a sacrifice that is in some way a tribute to Jesus having made the ultimate sacrifice of his life to erase the original sin of humanity. In days of old, the Lenten sacrifices were meant to be a form of penance, a way of apologizing to God for one’s sinful nature. Even now, whatever one gives up is meant to be done as a gift to God.  Back in the dark ages when I was in high school (also known as the late 1980s), priests would encourage parishioners in their Sunday homilies not to give something up for Lent.  Rather, they would push for church members to do something positive instead.  They argued that in today’s world, for most middle and upper class church goers, giving up soda for six weeks was not a real sacrifice that in any way made a decent gift to God.  On the other hand, if one took the money one saved from not drinking soda and donated it to a homeless shelter or a food bank, that action made the sacrifice more valuable.  Many of us who attended Sunday school or Catholic schools were even sent home with paperboard Lenten offering boxes to collect those funds for a specific charity. Likewise, instead of giving up chocolate, the priests encouraged people to make a donation of their time to a non-profit in need or to a community member who could use an extra hand.

I am no longer Catholic by any stretch of the imagination, yet it bewilders me when I see non-Christians using Lent as a reason to give something up.  I even know atheists, who clearly do not believe in Jesus' sacrifice, who give up food items for Lent.  For them, Lent seems to be just a time period between two big parties (Mardi Gras and Easter) that can help them with self-control and dieting.  To me, it seems as though all the “cool kids” are doing it, so others jump on the bandwagon to use Lent as a means of moral support while they give up some high caloric item that isn't really good for them.  I actually find this disrespectful to Christian traditions and beliefs.  Almost no one in our American society would dream of using Ramadan as an excuse for a crash diet or a 30 day juice cleanse, yet co-opting a very holy Christian time period of preparation and spiritual cleansing to use as a time of dieting is seen as socially acceptable. 

If you are someone who gives up food items or diets in some way for Lent, I strongly encourage you to examine your motivations.  Why do you use this time period to give something up?  Who benefits from you giving up your favorite treat?  How do you use the money that you aren’t spending on those lattes or mochaccinos? Are you co-opting a devout religious time for something that has nothing to do with religion?  Does this serve a higher purpose or is it an act of selfishness you are partaking in?  Are you doing this act quietly or are you using it to get attention on Facebook or elsewhere?  Having grown up with a narcissist who shamelessly sought attention, I've always appreciated the following Bible verses:

If you choose to do something for Lent as a Christian or non-Christian, I suggest you adapt your “sacrifice” in some way to benefit others.  If you are running an extra mile each day in Lent, consider taking along your elderly neighbor’s dog with you, benefiting both the neighbor and the dog.  If you are abstaining from a delectable treat during this time period, donate the funds you saved to a charity you support.  If possible, also donate your time to a group or individual who could use your assistance.  These are ways in which we can give something up while simultaneously helping others and benefiting ourselves.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

On a recent evening when I was in a great deal of pain, I began watching various movies in my Netflix queue looking for a mindless distraction.  The first two movies I tried out were unsatisfactory; I rated them two stars after trying to watch each for 10 minutes. The third film, however, was anything but mindless, yet it sucked me in quickly and held my attention for 89 straight minutes.  Miss Representation (2011) is a documentary directed by Jennifer Siebel Newsom who began the project when she found she was pregnant with a daughter.  She took a deeper look at the world around her and realized that this was not the world she wanted her daughter raised in.  

Like Siebel Newsom, raising a daughter made me reexamine the world around me.  While I had lost my belief in the tenets of the Catholic faith years before, I was still attending a liberal Catholic Church until my daughter was three. At that time, Austin had an ultra-conservative bishop who was determined to root out all perceived liberalism in the diocese.  When the bishop visited parishes, the church leaders were advised to keep women off of the altar:  No altar girls, no female lectors, no women cantors or communion distributors.  While women are approved to serve in all of those roles by the Vatican, this bishop didn’t want to see women in front of the church. He’s not alone in his views.  The Vatican also still asserts that women cannot be priests. Suddenly, I realized that I didn’t want my daughter being raised in a church where she was told that she wasn’t as good as a boy.  Wanting a better world for her was what helped me find the courage to leave a church I no longer agreed with.

Miss Representation doesn't investigate issues around sex and religion, but it does examine the impact of the media and politics on women.  Since I isolate myself from the news quite a great bit because I find it too intense to watch as an empath, I was shocked at some of the practices still happening in our media today.  I knew that Hillary Rodham Clinton was disrespected by the media, but I wasn't aware of how many other female politicians faced similar unmerited criticisms based on their sex alone.  Likewise, because I tend to seek out movies with strong female leads and characters, I had no idea how many actresses and female directors in Hollywood are still struggling to be seen on the same level as their male peers.  Issues like these fill this fast-paced documentary that is packed with facts, video clips, and interviews with experts in many fields.

At the end of the film, someone suggests that we need media literacy courses in our high schools to help educate our students about the reality of what our media does.  Given how saturated our world is by media and commercialism, I think that's a great idea.  I really would love to see Miss Representation as a part of a mandatory high school curriculum, though I am sure many others who look at the world through different lenses would disagree with me.

(I've attached a very long list of questions that I generated from Miss Representation that could be used to start discussions in a group or for personal journaling.  There are far too many questions to use in one meeting, so please feel free to edit and change as necessary to fit your group’s needs.)

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

(As a reminder, I am not a medical doctor or a licensed psychologist.  The opinions below are just that:  My personal opinions.  They do not and should not be construed as official diagnoses.)

As noted in a previous post, for many years now, I have watched The Bachelor(ette).  This season (Chris Soules, “Prince Farming”) has included several incidents that have left me frustrated by how they were handled on the show.  In particular, I feel as though this season has had two participants who may suffer from mental illness which was handled poorly over the course of show.

The first participant was Ashley S., age 24, who was eliminated in week four.  From the very first episode, Ashley demonstrated signs of possibly having schizophrenia, though her mental challenges were never talked about as such.  Instead, the other participants labeled Ashley as scary, crazy, dangerous, and more.  Ashley’s behavior on the zombie hunting date and in her final episode on the show also illustrated her patterns of distracted thinking which was difficult for those outside of her head to understand.

In the “Chris [Soules] Tells All” special (and its second part) shown part way through the season, Chris Harrison, the host, showed a small amount of Ashley’s application video where she seems far more stable (or in Chris H.’s awkward words, “incredibly normal.”)  Perhaps this was due to editing of her audition tape.  Perhaps her behavior changed drastically on the show because the stress of the schedule and the cameras was more than she could handle.  Perhaps she chose to stop medications that she’d been on during the audition tape because she didn’t want her housemates (and the rest of the nation) to find out that she took psychiatric medications.  Perhaps she was on medications but the amount of alcohol she was consuming interfered with the medications’ ability to function.  Perhaps she is someone who can function without medications normally but not when under the influence of alcohol, limited sleep, and high pressure.  There are so many potential explanations for why her behavior might have changed between the audition tape and the actual show.

Regardless of what the reasons are, Ashley S. was used to boost ratings.  Her probable mental illness was ridiculed.  Instead of compassion, she faced a lack of understanding and a great deal of judgment.  I would hope that ABC was truly unaware of her mental health issues when casting her on the show.  However, after the fact, I am disappointed that ABC edited the show in such a way to put an emphasis on how “crazy” she is rather than offering education and explanation for what happened with her.  I’m disappointed that so few of the participants vocalized genuine concern for making sure that Ashley got the psychiatric assistance she needed, or if more did, that their concerns were edited out of the final episodes.

And then there was Kelsey.  As a 28 year old guidance counselor living in Austin, she was the local woman that I was hoping I would get to cheer on.  Very quickly, it became evident to me that she would not be one of my favorites.  ABC definitely emphasized the traumatically widowed aspect of her history throughout the show.  In this first introductory video, Kelsey is unable to talk about the death of her husband, 16 months prior, without tearing up.  Any therapist or life coach as well as many non-professionals will say that a person is probably not ready to move on in the dating world if they can’t relate their story of loss without breaking down.  (The same could also be said for the other widow this season, Juelia, whose late husband committed suicide when their daughter was seven weeks old.)

As the show progressed, Kelsey’s personality became stranger and stranger.  The final straw for most people came in the week when she talked about how she “loved her story.”  What I’m guessing that Kelsey wanted to convey was that she is a strong woman, and while she deeply misses her late husband, she’s grateful for the growth she’s undergone since his death.  She likely wanted to vocalize some version of the popular saying that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  However, what came out had a completely different meaning.  Kelsey has widely claimed, including on her Facebook page, that she was misinterpreted and that ABC framed her to look like a villain.  I completely believe that there is editing done on this show (and many others) that leaves out important information and which can make contestants look far worse than they actually are.  However, Kelsey’s words were obviously not spliced together when she claimed to love her story.  She was quite clear about what she was saying in her monologues. 

As one begins to explore more about Kelsey through the amazing powers of the internet, her story becomes even more bizarre.  In particular, her late husband’s obituary is more about her than him at various points.  While one can certainly understand celebrating their love and loss, discussing her graduation after his death seems completely out of place.  The repetitious and awkward mentions of their relationship also seem improper for an obituary.  While one can argue this was something written during a time of grief, the obituary still seems inappropriate in many ways.

In my estimation, I suspect Kelsey has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a condition in which the individual is very self-centered and very self-focused.  As she demonstrated, her late husband’s death wasn’t about him:  It was about her.  A narcissistic perspective is not a healthy one, and in its extreme, NPD is a mental illness.  I have dealt with many narcissists in my life.  They are very difficult people to live and work with.  Many others have come to Kelsey’s public defense, but not all narcissists are without friends and family.  Some of those around her may truly believe her words of how amazing she is and how wonderful her story is.  One local radio announcer, even after all that has come out about Kelsey, still declared that he wanted to date her when she was eliminated from the show right before Valentine’s Day.

From my perspective, however, Kelsey is another woman who likely has a mental illness and whose narcissism was used to generate ratings.  She even merited her own special segment (and part 2) in the “Chris Tells All” special where her surprise about being controversial (at 1:33) may or may not have been genuine.  More likely, she’s a woman who loves being the center of attention and loves the extra time in the spotlight this controversy gave her.  She often talks around her issues and has perfect explanations for her actions, even using her famous “big words” to specifically deny her narcissism.  Kelsey's dramatic panic attack, whether true or fake, could also be interpreted as a narcissist’s attempt to gain more attention.

If Kelsey does have narcissistic personality disorder, then I don’t’ believe ABC should have been using her mental illness to boost ratings.  While I often find it hard to sympathize with people who have NPD because of their self-centeredness and their incredible ability to see themselves as innocent victims, NPD is still a mental illness.  Those who have it deserve compassion and understanding, not ridicule. 

Furthermore, mental illness is not being “bonkers” as one bachelorette poorly described one of her mentally ill housemates this season.  ABC and The Bachelor’s lack of respect for mental illness this season has been disturbing, especially when it was used as part of the sensationalism for a reality tv show.  To me, it not only demonstrates a lack of compassion, but it feels inappropriate and even unethical.  I wish that ABC and The Bachelor were doing more to help change our society’s negative views to mental illness rather than compounding the problems.  I’m nervous for tonight’s “Women Tell All” special.  I hope that Ashely S. in particular is treated with the respect she deserves as a human being facing some difficult challenges. 

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a regular reader of The New Yorker.  I’m usually a few issues behind, and I don’t always read them in order, but I do eventually read about 80-90% of the articles in each issue. 

In the February 9, 2015 edition, there’s a great article entitled, “R U There?” by Alice Gregory.  The article explores the founding and function of the Crisis Text Line, a non-profit established in 2013 by Nancy Lublin and Stephanie Shih.  Through their work with DoSomething.org, the two discovered in 2011 that there was a great need for crisis help by texting especially for teenagers.

Reading this article was eye-opening for me as I felt my age declaring itself not so subtly.  I’m a dinosaur when it comes to phones:  I don’t have a smartphone (though that will be changing soon), and I only text a handful of people.  For the most part, I’m of the e-mail generation.  That’s my preferred method of communication if I’m not talking to someone in person.  Yet I immediately realized the truth in what the article related:  Today’s teens communicate through texting.  There’s no doubt that if you have a teen and you give them a phone, they need an unlimited texting plan lest you end up with an inordinate mobile bill.  While I may not like the way our society constantly has their eyes aimed downward at their phones, it is the reality in our world at this point, especially among younger generations. 

Clearly the Crisis Text Line is an amazing organization in what it does to help individuals who need emotional support.  I have no doubt other organizations will eventually see the Crisis Text Line as a role model for further advances in helping clients.  It truly is a victory for the vastly undersupported and underfinanced mental health services in the U.S.

However, there was a moment in the article when all I could do was cringe.  Gregory writes, “[The Save-A-Life League] also raised summer-camp tuition for the children of suicides.”  Here, in an article in a liberal intellectual publication that is extolling the wonders of emotional support for those in crisis, was an unconscionable error that continues to devalue the lives of those who live and die with mental illness.  While it is technically accurate to call someone who has committed suicide a “suicide,” the ethics and political correctness in doing so are questionable.

When people commit suicide, it’s their final act.  It’s a major choice, one that irreparably impacts their lives and the lives of those around them.   However, that action does not negate the rest of their lives.  They were sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, lovers, leaders, students, teachers.… They did so much more than just their final act of committing suicide.  Is it right that they should be identified as their final act? 

People first language is important.  It helps remind us that we are more than the things that might restrict us in this world.  When people commit suicide, they do not become their action.  While most would not condone that action, suicide is an action taken in a time of great pain and desperation.  It’s not the only way people should be remembered.  The New Yorker could have so easily edited that sentence to read, “[The Save-A-Life League] also raised summer-camp tuition for the children of those who committed suicide.”  The sentence doesn’t become bulky; in my reading, it actually becomes clearer in many ways.  Moreover, the revised sentence refrains from demeaning individuals who were dealing with mental health issues.

We have a long way to go in our nation to help those who deal with mental illness.  It’s still a taboo topic.  Therapy is still not accepted by many.  Few mainstream alternatives besides drugs and exercise are promoted to help those fighting even the most minor mental health issues.  I look forward to a day when our culture has a better understanding of mental health struggles and is able to offer more holistic treatments that are affordable and readily available.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

(As a reminder, I am not a medical doctor or a licensed psychologist.  The opinions below are just that:  My personal opinions.  They do not and should not be construed as official diagnoses.)

For many years now, I have watched The Bachelor(ette).  It’s a far cry from my usual fair of Masterpiece Theatre, and while it has nothing to do with the reality of most relationships, I am still highly entertained by most seasons of it.  A few years ago, I found out that a high school friend of mine was a closet fan as well, and so we now virtually watch it together, having a great time making fun of its absurdities.

This season (Chris Soules, “Prince Farming”) has been entertaining, to say the least.  However, there have been several things in recent weeks that have left me frustrated in how they were handled on the show.  One such incident occurred in week five after one of the women, Jade, fell into the Rio Grande during a rafting excursion (shown on the YouTube video below).  Jade describes that she has “a condition where my body goes into hypothermia at … normal temperatures it shouldn’t which causes … my hands and my feet to lose circulation.”  It really bothered me that either she didn’t name this disorder or that ABC edited it out.  This health issue is called Raynaud’s Phenomenon, and it’s estimated that millions of Americans deal with it.  By naming this disorder, in just a few seconds, ABC could have given legitimacy to a true health issue that many people suffer from rather than making it seem like Jade was simply seeking attention.  Of course, the latter is clearly their goal since controversy and strife make for better ratings.

I’ve dealt with secondary Raynaud’s personally; it was a side effect of Lyme Disease.  For me, it usually only manifest going between major differences in temperature such as outdoors in winter (35F) to indoors in the heat (70F) or outdoors in summer (100F) to indoors in the AC (75F). The sudden rapid temperature change is what triggered the symptoms in my extremities.   There was no visible change in my skin on my hands and feet as there are for some people as demonstrated in the photo above.  Instead, it “just” hurt like holy heck, sort of like an extreme version of a burn, a cramp, and pins and needles combined.  However, when removing my clothing in my cold bathroom during winter to shower, the temperature change would cause my nipples to sometimes get very painfully hard and very white, not something most people around me would get to see.  The only thing that really helped eliminate the symptoms of Raynaud’s was time as my body slowly acclimated to the change in temperature.  Most of the time my hands and feet were too painful for someone to touch or rub.

As with many invisible illnesses, there are doubters and naysayers when someone is truly suffering.  One of the other women on the show, Kelsey, very uncompassionately saw Jade as strategically using her disorder to get more attention from Chris Soules.  Kelsey announces repeatedly in an exasperated voice “I’m fine!” because she is upset she doesn’t have something to use to get extra attention from the Bachelor.  If Kelsey only knew how painful the experience Jade was going through, she might not have been so jealous of the extra attention, and Kelsey might actually have been saying a prayer of gratitude that she is fine.  Her disgust at someone else’s pain and need for assistance was reprehensible at best.

After Chris finished rubbing Jade’s feet for her, another bachelorette jokingly asked, “Alright, are we forming a line?” Chris jokingly replied as he laughed, “Ok, who’s next?”  That kind of joking around the incident felt healthy and normal.  It acknowledged that many of the other women would love a foot rub (as many of us do!), but at the same time it didn’t demean Jade’s pain in any way.

For me personally as I watched this incident, one of the biggest revelations for me was the realization that I no longer deal with Raynaud’s.  That may sound strange, but I don’t know when in the past few years I stopped having to deal with it.  At some point, my health improved enough that this was no longer one of my body’s many problems.  However, given how many other symptoms and pains I deal with on a daily basis, I didn’t even notice when this major one disappeared.  I am so grateful that I can say that I have healed enough that Raynaud’s is no longer an issue for me, but I still feel a great deal of compassion for those who suffer from it’s annoying and extreme painfulness.

© 2015 Green Heart Guidance

I freely admit that there are a few songs that immediately cause me to cry when I hear them played.  One of those songs is Garth Brooks’ “The Dance” which was originally released in 1989.  For the first decade or so after it was popular, I viewed the song as a beautiful breakup song about a couple who were no longer together. 

Then, sometime in the early 2000s, I was looking at a list of suggestions for infant memorials on a random website.  One of the songs suggested for playing at the service was “The Dance.”  I listened to the song again reframing it in the light of infant loss, and suddenly the song took on new meaning for me.  “The Dance” became the story of the love between a parent and a child who was never going to grow up.  The song described a very different kind of lost love.

That new perspective on "The Dance" left me wondering about my own experience of my daughter, Rebecca, who died at birth in 1999.  I questioned whether I would have chosen the path I had walked if I had been given the choice.  Would I have rather never been pregnant with her if I had known what the outcome would be?  The lyrics state, “Holding you, I held everything/ For a moment, wasn't I a king?/… I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.”  I truly only held my daughter for moments—just hours—yet I’d do almost anything to have a few more hours to hold her again.  I definitely could have foresaken the agony of her death.  There is nothing comparably painful to losing your child.  However, Rebecca's death has changed my life and the lives of many others during those moments she was with us.  

Ultimately I came to recognize that there is no point in arguing the “what ifs.”  We have experienced what we were meant to, and then it is up to us to learn and grow from those experiences.  Despite the pain, we can become better people through our struggles and loss.

Now any time I hear "The Dance," I am left in tears thinking about my daughter.  Yet under those tears, there is gratitude for the beauty of the dance, for the “moment [when] all the world was right.”

© 2015 Green Heart Guidance

At times, synchronicity can be annoying.  The Universe really likes to drive its message home with me, and there’s no escaping it though I try.  Quite often I find art imitates life as themes seem to bang me over the head until I deal with them or understand what I need to.

One night, I decided to escape the overwhelming metaphysical work I was doing by watching a movie on Netflix.  I found The House of the Spirits which stars Jeremy Irons, Meryl Streep, Glenn Close, Winona Ryder, Antonio Banderas and Vanessa Redgrave.  With an all-star cast like that, how could I go wrong?  The misleading Netflix blurb states, “Esteban vows to marry Rosa, a rich man's daughter. But when Rosa dies before he can save enough money to do so, he instead marries her younger sister.”  What that blurb conveniently left out was the significance behind the “spirits” part of the title.  The younger sister (played as an adult by Glenn Close) is a metaphysically gifted woman who has premonitions and mediumship abilities.  The movie was really excellent, but in trying to escape my metaphysical life, I found myself thrown right back into it again.

On another evening during my divorce, I decided to watch Crazy, Stupid, Love starring Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Julianne Moore, Emma Stone, Marisa Tomei, and Kevin Bacon:  Another film with an all-star cast that I thought would be a chick flick that would give me an escape from reality.  Here at least the Netflix blurb was somewhat accurate as it states, “A middle-aged husband's life changes dramatically when his wife asks him for a divorce. He seeks to rediscover his manhood with the help of a newfound friend, Jacob, learning to pick up girls at bars.”  What the movie description failed to mention is that Steve Carell and Julianne Moore’s characters were high school sweethearts as my ex-husband and I were.  From there, numerous other parallels kept popping up related to the issues we’d faced in our marriage and divorce.  It was far from the sexy escape movie I was hoping for!

When there’s a lesson we need to learn in our lives, sometimes the Universe will take synchronicity into its hands to get us to pay attention.  Seemingly random choices such as movies we select to watch can end up helping us to work through the big picture issues.

©2014 GreenHeartGuidance.com

(As always, I am not a medical doctor.  This information is based on my personal experiences and should not be substituted for medical diagnosis or treatment.  Please speak to your health care providers about your personal situation.)

A recent article on Forbes describes the most outlandish reasons for calling in sick that it could find.  The article states, “For the last 10 years, job listing site CareerBuilder has put out a list it calls ‘The Most Unbelievable Excuses for Calling in Sick.’ … Nearly one in five employers (18%) says they have fired an employee for calling in sick with a fake excuse.”

I completely get firing an employee for bad excuses.  In one of my previous jobs, I inherited an employee who had gotten very used to doing what he wanted when he wanted if he wanted, including showing up for work.  One of his favorite excuses was that his old car wouldn’t start.  That is a legitimate excuse, and any of us who have owned a car, especially an older model car, have been there.  However, this employee lived on a bus route that would have taken him 15 minutes to get to work when combined with walking about four blocks.  It wasn’t that he’d be late while he put the car in the shop:  He just flat out wouldn’t show.  In contrast, when my only car died, I hitched a ride with a neighbor to her work, walked a mile, and then took two busses to get to the office.  My car being in the shop wasn’t enough to stop me from going in.

However, three of the ten excuses on the Forbes list seem legitimate to me.  That either shows that my perspective on life is very different than others' or that this list is really weak.  So my responses to these three reasons for absences are as follows.

“3. I was sitting in the bathroom and my feet and legs fell asleep. When I stood up, I fell and broke my ankle.”

Um, yeah.  Been there, done that, sort of.  Three years ago, I was talking with my ex-husband about an intense topic.  While I was sitting in a hard kitchen chair, I had my leg tucked under me as I often do.  When we finished talking, I realized my foot was asleep.  I stood up and tried to put pressure on it to wake it up.  As I stood up, my foot gave way, twisting my ankle.  I collapsed onto the hardwood floors, landing with my body on top of my left foot.  I knew immediately I had done damage and was at my chiropractor’s office within an hour.  Mercifully, I only caused a bad sprain, but it took about a month of adjustments before it got somewhat back to normal.  Had I landed slightly differently, I am sure I could have broken a bone.  This reason seems plausible to me.

“8. I had a gall stone I wanted to heal holistically.”

This definitely is a legitimate reason for absence, and the fact it’s included on this list mainly reflects a prejudice in our society against natural healing.  Gall stones are incredibly painful as anyone who has had them or witnessed someone with them can tell you.  They can make one sick enough to need to skip work; they often land people in the emergency room, though aside from surgery, Western medicine doesn’t offer a lot of help with the gall stones.  Thus, natural medicine is the only real option if one can’t or won’t have surgery.  There are various holistic ways to go about dealing with gallstones, and some of them involve a lot of bathroom time.  One definitely wouldn’t want to leave home.  This reason is completely plausible, and it’s one that might cut down on future absences of the employee.

“9. I caught my uniform on fire by putting it in the microwave to dry.”

While this does reflect a certain level of ignorance in the employee, it’s also realistic.  When I worked at a fast food restaurant, we were only given one uniform.  Eventually after I had been there for quite a while I was able to get a second.  However, having only one uniform meant that employees had to wash our uniforms nightly because they reeked of grease after only one shift.  If one doesn’t have laundry machines that they own, then one is having to either hand wash the uniform or pay for using a washer daily which adds up.  Line drying is a way to save money when you are making minimum wage.  However, if you work an afternoon shift, go out, and get home late, your uniform may not be able to dry overnight before you need to be back early in the morning.  Out of desperation, an employee could resort to drastic measures to try and dry it. 

I’ve also had situations where I’ve spilled food or leaked breastmilk on clothes right before I needed to go somewhere.  If that is the only outfit you can wear to the place you are going (such as a work uniform), then you must quickly try to get it cleaned and dried in order to go.  This could also result in an act of desperation of shoving an outfit in a microwave to dry.

When I was in growing up, my mother used to do a lot of crafty stuff.  One of the things she would make was pinecone wreaths. To prepare the pinecones, one puts them on low heat in the oven in order to kill any creatures that might be growing in them.  One day, she decided to microwave the pinecones instead.  The result was that the pinecones caught on fire and in turn caught the microwave on fire.  The lesson I learned at a very young age is that you don’t put anything but food in the microwave, and even then, you keep an eye on it!

So the possibility of an employee catching a uniform on fire in the microwave is realistic.  Having more than one uniform would help solve this problem, but many fast food employers are unfortunately not willing to spend that extra money on their employees.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

Once upon a time much earlier in my life, I participated in the madness of Black Friday, though twenty years ago Black Friday wasn’t quite the consumer event it is now.  Most years, though, I spent the Friday after Thanksgiving happily curled up at home with my nose in a book.  In more recent years, my values have switched greatly, and I no longer have any desire to fight the crowds in order to purchase things.  In fact, my overall attitude towards physical items has shifted greatly.  When I make a purchase, I now ask myself many of these questions:

• Do I really need this?
• Why do I want to buy this?
• Is this practical?
  
• What purpose does this serve?
  
• How will this improve my life?
  
• Will this item damage the environment in any way?
• How many days per year will I use this?  Could I rent it instead?
  
• How will I be able to dispose of it when I am done with it?
  
• Will it increase the amount of clutter in my house?
  
• Will I have to clean it?  Is it easy to clean?
  
• Will this item take too much effort to maintain?
  
• Will this item add joy or pleasure to my life?
  
• If this is a gift, how will this improve someone else’s life?

For some of my purchases, the answer is clear with the first question.  Do I really need to buy new ink for the printer?  Unfortunately, yes, that is a purchase that I have to make.  There’s no reason to go further with the questioning.  With other purchases, I have to figure out if it’s a true need versus something I just want.  Sometimes it’s very easy to figure out that it’s just a want and not a need.  Other times it’s not so easy.  I also have to make sure that the joy or pleasure an item is adding to my life isn’t just a temporary purchase glee that won’t bring me true happiness.

When it comes to gift-giving, I now try to use the same type of philosophy.  As I’ve noted in my seasonal stress blog post, I try to give non-tangible gifts whenever possible.  This might be the gift of my time and energy.  It might be donations to a nonprofit, tickets to events, or memberships at a museum.  I also consider gift certificates for meals, delivery services, or grocery stores for those whom that might be the best approach (including teachers who really don’t need any more coffee mugs).  With individuals who live in small spaces including the elderly who may have downsized to live in a smaller home, physical objects can become one more thing to have to find a place for.  For kids, many of them have more toys than they know what to do with.  In all of these cases, giving something that can bring emotional joy or make their lives a bit easier is the better choice than a physical object that will just end up going to Goodwill or Freecycle in a few weeks.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

Most people wouldn’t consider taking something off of a store shelf and then brazenly carrying it out of the store unconcealed without paying for it, nor would they consider plagiarizing a famous author’s work. However, the majority of people don’t think twice about stealing photography off the web. Because it’s “free” and easy to cut and paste, the popular notion has become that it is ok to use whatever one wants however one wants if one found it on the web. However, just because a photo is on the web doesn’t make it in the public domain.

If a photograph is marked as copyright or has a © notation on it, that means that you definitely need permission to use that photograph, especially if you want to put it on your website. Tracking down the photographers or artists can be a little tricky at times, but it is possible to do with a Google image search (GIS) or TinEye search. These plugins allow you to right click on a photo and then search the internet for the photo. I’ve found that GIS does a better job of searching than TinEye, but on occasion, TinEye will find something that GIS does not. From there, you can figure out if the author of the work has granted permission for it to be used on the web or if you will need to message them to gain permission. 

Almost all of the photos on my website are my own; I’m blessed to have a great archive of photos I’ve accumulated over the years. I will grant permission for individuals to use photos on occasion, but as I have a photography business, I generally don’t give away my photos. It’s part of my income. On the other hand, I willingly share my inspirational memes which I’ve created for public dissemination. They are marked as copyright, but my Flickr page, Facebook page, and Pinterest page clearly note that they may be shared without altering, adapting, or changing them in any way.

The photos on my website which aren’t mine are marked as creative commons. Creative commons (cc) is a licensing system that allows photographers and artists to designate how their works may be reproduced. I only use creative commons photos which are allowed to be adapted in making my inspirational mantras. I haven’t used any public domain photos on my website yet, but there is a chance I will do that eventually.

In order to find photos which are ok to use for websites and are free, there are two easy search options: Google and Flickr. On Google images, you can do an advanced search for whatever you are looking for and under the last option of “usage rights” mark what you are looking for. Aside from that direct link above to advanced search, the link can be found on the top of the far right of the website under the control options which look like an illustration of a gear.

To find images that are creative commons or public domain on Flickr, search for whatever you want in the search box. When you get to the page of results, then pick the third option along the top of the screen for “license.” From there you can select from different creative commons types.

Another great resource is Free Range Stock a website that has free membership (registration required) and which allows users to download and use free photos and textures that are not under copyright. [Update 7/14/15: Can Stock Photo has asked that I also share them as a resource for free and low price photography.]

It’s easy to find free and legal photos to use on the web, so there’s no reason to steal pictures from photographers and deny their right to be paid for their work. If you need an even bigger database of photos than are available from creative commons licensing or public domain photos, you can always subscribe to iStock, Getty Images, or one of the many other online stock photography sites for relatively cheaply. This also means you will be helping financially support photographers for their work. Artists, just like everyone else, deserve to be paid for their labor.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

At one point in my life, I was telling someone that I had a hard time going to a certain yoga class because the voice of the instructor made me want to climb up the wall.  She accused me of being too picky and just trying to come up with excuses not to go to yoga.  I disagree with that view completely.  If you watch the video linked above, you’ll understand what I mean.  This is an extreme example to make a point.  The video above is narrated by the Daleks, a fictional destructive extraterrestrial life form from the Doctor Who television series.  The Daleks are meant to incur terror in the viewers’ hearts:  Thus, their voices are not sweet and loving.  They are ten times worse than fingernails on chalkboards in my opinion.  I can only listen to about ten seconds of the above video before I have to shut it off or I will start popping blood vessels.

Even though this video is an extreme example, the same thing is true at other levels.  It’s possible for someone’s voice to grind on your nerves when you are listening to a guided meditation or attending a yoga class even if you really like the meditation or class itself. While the most spiritual and able of us could block out that annoyance, most of us don’t have that kind of strength.  We get distracted and annoyed by it.

So why set yourself up for such a challenge? I don’t see a good reason for a beginner to do so.  I highly encourage people to find verbal guidance which they find soothing and relaxing rather than stressful.  For this reason, I have many, many guided meditations on my Spotify playlist.  That particular playlist is not meant to be listened to from start to finish.  Instead, it’s meant to be a sampler.  If you’re looking for a new guided meditation to work with, the playlist offers you the opportunity to listen to various artists for free with no commitment.  You can hear their voices and styles, and then you can find something that works well for you. 

When beginning meditation, it’s really better to start with a challenge that is welcoming such as a guided meditation that you enjoy rather than torturing yourself with something that will drive you away from ever trying again.  Since many of us turn to meditation for relaxation and de-stressing, shouldn’t we do everything we can to find something that helps us achieve that goal?

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

(This is a special encore presentation from my archives.)

One of the hidden blessings of chronic fatigue is that the illness forces you to prioritize and recognize what is truly essential to life.  You no longer have the energy to participate in the seasonal chaos that occurs at this time of the year.  It just isn’t a physical option.  And so, with great regrets at first, you learn to cut back on what you can do for Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate. While I certainly don’t advocate getting sick just so you can learn that lesson, I can see the benefits it has brought to my life.  I’m sharing a few tips from my experience that may or may not be of use to you in helping reduce some pressure from your life.

Christmas is a season, not a day.  If you believe the retailers, the season begins in October when they start putting out the Christmas items.  While I think it should be shorter than that, I do think it lasts more than one or two days.  Don’t feel pressured to do everything in a short period of time.  Spread out your celebrations.  I’ve held Christmas gatherings on December 8th because it was the only mutually agreeable date.  I’ve been to Christmas gatherings in early January when weather foiled December plans.  Regardless of when you do it, spread the season out a bit so that you don’t overexert yourself.

Decorate as a group or party activity.  Decorating for Christmas takes a great deal of energy.  My family no longer goes all out for decorating, and I do miss parts of that.  However, I accept that I do what I can.
 
One way to still make this happen is to have parties to decorate and undecorated the house.  Most people like to do a certain part of the decorating but not another (the tree, the lights, the ornaments, the accessories).  Throw a minimalistic party in December and invite a few friends to come help decorate and celebrate the season.  Make it potluck so that you are not providing the food as that takes more energy.  If you have special items you are concerned about breaking, set them aside before the party starts.  That way you can make sure they are safe.

In Catholic culture, the season of Christmas lasts from December 25th to January 6th in many countries.  Celebrate the arrival of the three wise men with another un-decorating party the weekend after New Year’s.  Have friends come over again, bringing leftover fruitcake to munch on, and reverse the decorating process.  Use the time to decompress from all the foibles and stresses of the season that you are now packing away until the end of the next year.

Holiday Baking.  I used to love to make many flavors of cookies just like my grandmother did. However, now I am lucky to just get one made.  Dietary restrictions make this even harder.  Truth be told, I don’t need or want the sugar from the baking, but I recognize many others do consider it a part of the holidays.

Consider hosting a cookie exchange.  Everyone brings several dozen cookies bagged or boxed in dozens.  For every dozen you bring, you take home another dozen.  Everyone brings one extra dozen for the hostess so that you don’t have to bake, but you’ll provide coffee, tea, and milk.  Put out some of the cookies in these hostess dozens so that everyone can sample and munch.  This way you can still have a variety of cookies around the house without doing the baking!

Online shopping.  It is a lot less stressful than facing malls full of perfumed people and products.  True, it doesn’t allow you to have the fun of seeing all the objects you are buying first and experiencing the Christmas decorations, but it does cut down on time and stress.  I really recommend it.  No one knows if that name brand item came from a big box store or online.

Buying ahead.  I try to pick up presents for my kids (especially stocking stuffers) as I see items on sale during the months ahead.  I keep a list on my computer so I don’t forget what I’ve bought.  Where I have hidden the gifts is a separate problem:  I need to add that to the list, too!  

Green gift wrapping.  We use pillowcases and ribbons to wrap presents that aren’t going to others outside of the house.  It is far more green than paper that is going to be thrown away after one use.  It also avoids using tape which was a huge chemical sensitivity for me for many years.  If I can, I use reusable gift bags for others who don’t live here.  Regardless, the pillowcase approach makes gift wrapping much quicker and easier!

Give non-tangible gifts.  The best gifts are the ones from the heart.  While many don’t share that belief, you can use this approach for those who do.  Rather than give gifts that the receiver may not like or that may not fit, consider making a donation to a charity like Heifer International, Kiva, your local food bank, or a charity of the receiver’s choice.

Other non-tangible gifts might include tickets to a community play, a local museum membership, or a donation of your time to take a loved one on an excursion you might not do otherwise, like taking them out to dinner.  For someone with chronic illness or physical limitations, some of the best gifts you can give are spending time with them or helping them with tasks they cannot handle themselves.  For those who are living on tight budgets, you can sometimes make an anonymous payment to one of their utilities by contacting the utility company and using their address to access the account.

Remember the reason for the season.  While I am no longer Christian, I do believe in focusing on the values of this time of year rather than the commercialism of the mainstream culture.  It is a time to remember family, to remember our blessings, and to be grateful for all we have.  Consider attending a worship service at the religious group of your choice or go for an extra hike in nature just to appreciate the natural beauty of the amazing world around us.

How ever you chose to celebrate this season, may it be a blessed, safe and peaceful one for you and your loved ones.

©2014 Green Heart Guidance.com

So much of our society is prejudiced against obesity.  There are many false assumptions about those who are obese:  They are lazy, they are couch potatoes, they have poor diets, they are emotional eaters, they have no interest in health, and more.  Sometimes a mercy judgment of poor genetics also gets thrown in.  The repeating day-to-day encounters I have with this judgment throughout our society amaze me.  As a woman who has been both proportionately slender and fat as an adult, I really can notice a difference in how people treat those who are obese.

This post was partially inspired by an inspirational meme from Facebook. It quotes a Dr. Gould as saying, “Emotional eating triggers are usually based on a need to soothe emotional pain.  Perhaps, then, the next time we see someone overweight, or don’t like what we see in the mirror, instead of saying, ‘There’s a person who eats too much,’ we might say, ‘There’s a person who’s hurting too much.’”  When I first read that, I became livid.  I counted to a lot more than ten before posting a response similar to this:  “Obesity can be caused by a variety of issues, not just emotional pain.  Judging others in any way is not a healthy attitude.  Perhaps instead of focusing on an individual’s weight, we could focus on the beautiful person they are inside and out.”

Even as an obese woman who has herself pretty together emotionally, I’ve still faced many health practitioners who automatically assume that I binge eat or eat for emotional reasons.  For some of them, this is because they have emotional eating issues that they are projecting onto me.  For others, it’s just plain prejudice based on bad assumptions.  Once they discuss diet with me, they realize I eat amazingly well; my weight issues are due to Lyme, not food-based emotional outlets.

Likewise, this attitude against obesity is the pervasive one on dating sites.  One direct quote from a man on a dating site states, “If you are obese, chances are you are unhealthy. I want to be with someone who chooses to be healthy.”  While this statement does leave a little wiggle room, it’s still based in false ideology.  Just because someone is obese doesn’t mean they are mentally or physically unhealthy or that they choose their current body weight.  I have several clients who are obese but can run five miles or bike twenty.  They eat diets that range from moderately good to excellent.  They are healthy, physically or mentally.  But for some reason, their body won’t let go of that extra fat.

Another man on a dating site falsely presumes, “I'm cool with a little extra here and there, but for the most part I'm looking for someone that takes care of themselves--especially if it took them awhile to get into shape like I did.”  Being obese doesn’t mean that one doesn’t take care of one’s self.  It means one has extra body fat that may be there for any number of reasons.  Yet another dating site quote, which I regret not copying directly, generally stated, “If you are obese, we are poorly matched because of `life style differences.’”  This man is right, but for the wrong reasons.  He and I are not well-matched, but it’s because he is prejudiced, not because we have lifestyle differences.

Too few people in our culture are willing to look beyond a person’s physical attributes.  I firmly believe that we are souls with bodies, not bodies with souls.  What is within a person is far more important than what is without, and I’m not talking about gut flora, either!  When discussing good-looking men with female friends, I’m almost always baffled by some of their selections.  Because I am able to read a person’s energy as well as look at their appearance, I find myself far more influenced by their energy.  Men like Mel Gibson, Robert Downey, Jr. or Charlie Sheen who are considered good-looking by some are very unattractive to me.  Their energy is just not healthy.

Western medicine does not help with this judgment.  So many doctors presume that obesity is due to any of the causes listed at the beginning of this post.  However, this TEDex talk by Dr. Peter Attia is right on the money.  He’s realized though his own personal battle with health problems and incredibly rapid weight gain that obesity is often the symptom of the health problems, not the cause.  It would be great if more doctors and the media at large could realize this so that our society’s views on obesity can start to change.  Even though this TEDex talk isn’t short, I highly recommend watching it.  You may end up crying at the end as I and many others in the audience did!

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

Reading is the journey of those who cannot take the train. ~Francis de Croisset

When my health was at its worse, I had no energy.  I mean none.  I spent 22+ hours a day in bed.  Just getting a shower and getting food in my body was a struggle.  The pain I was suffering and the brain fog I was enduring meant that reading was not a good option for me because I couldn’t concentrate very well.  Add to that the fact that I was reacting to inks and formaldehyde in paper, and books weren’t accessible to me.

So what did I do for entertainment?  I watched a LOT of videos.  Previously I was not a big tv or movie fan.  I’d see some things on occasion, but I didn’t keep up with many series and I only went to the movies a few times a year, if that.  Being so sick changed that.  I caught up on many wonderful series that I had missed when they were broadcast originally such as The Wire, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Six Feet Under, Queer as Folk, and many more.  At that time, video streaming was not available, so I had a 10 disc plan with Netflix, and even that couldn’t keep up with my viewing demands.  I’d also have my then husband check videos out from the local public library.  I’d occasionally borrow from friends' video collections, too, to have another back up option to make sure I had entertainment.  Aside from Netflix, there are now quite a few other options for video streaming that I wish had been available then such as videos on various networks’ websites such as pbs.org, Hulu, and Amazon Instant Video.

I’m not a fan of audiobooks; I think this has to do with the fact that I started reading at age two, and I really have no memories of anyone reading to me as a result.  My speed of reading was far faster than anyone’s verbal reading, so I think I just grew intolerant of listening to others read.  However, this is another option for people with illness using books from resources such as Audible and the public library.

Once I had recovered quite a bit, I eventually broke down and bought a Kindle even though they were still really expensive then; of course, the price dropped dramatically right after I bought one because that is how Murphy’s Law of Technology works.  It took me several months to get the screen of the Kindle off-gassed enough for me to tolerate it, but then I was good to go.  It was amazing for me to finally be able to read again after so many years of not reading.  I still dearly love my Kindle and couldn’t imagine life without this disability accommodation device.  It’s not at all the same as reading a paper book, but it’s far better than nothing.  I check out e-books from Amazon and the public library.  There are also many blogs online that post about free Kindle books when they are available, and that also helps with cheaper reading material.  I buy books, too, but as any ardent reader can tell you, a book addiction can add up fast!

I had issues tolerating sewing materials, but for many, knitting, crocheting, and other handicrafts can be ways to pass the time while in bed.  Jewelry making could also fall into this category of crafty entertainment.  I read an article about one woman with a chronic illness who makes dolls as an outlet for her creativity during her illness and as a way to bring in some extra funds.

Meditation and prayer are also forms of beneficial entertainment when bedbound.  They have been scientifically shown to help with healing.  For those with more energy and the ability to be slightly mobile, yoga can also be very healing on physical, spiritual and emotional levels.

The internet is a wonderful way to spend time, too, though I didn’t have a laptop when I was at my sickest, and that limited how much time I could spend on the computer because sitting up was too exhausting for me.  However, one needs to be selective about what one does on the internet.  News sites contain so much bad news that they can pull one’s spirits down.  Likewise, I found that many illness support forums and discussion groups are very negative in content which wasn't helpful to my recovery.  As a result, I’ve learned how to skim them for research information but to avoid the negative complaining and thought that can be there as well.

Skype and the disappearance of long distance charges now make communication via phone and computer also a great option.  These activities can provide companionship and benefit to many people.  One online friend who has chronic fatigue syndrome found the best way for her to get socialization in was to have friends over to her house for potlucks every odd Friday.  Her friends brought the food, and they came to have fun with her.  While the severity of my fatigue and my chemical sensitivities prevented such an activity for me, I always thought it was a wonderful idea.

As my health improved, I started to get more energy, though I ave yet to cross the threshold of having even 50% of the energy of a healthy adult.  Still, with that extra energy I gained back, I threw myself into cooking which I find both relaxing and delicious.  I taught myself digital photography, a hobby that kept me busy for a long time, helped me meet new people online through Flickr, and also led to starting my first business.  Photography also gave me a new perspective on life, helping me see beauty in places I’d never noticed it before.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

 (As always, I am not a medical doctor.  This information is based on my personal experiences and should not be substituted for medical diagnosis or treatment.  Please speak to your health care providers about your personal situation.)

Food is our common ground, a universal experience. ~James Beard

I follow George Takei’s highly amusing Facebook page which is actually staffed by others besides just him.  I enjoy its humorous take as well as its vocal support of those less privileged in our nation.  However, recently someone on the staff felt it was ok to poke fun of those with food allergies and sensitivities.  They shared a post that was far from funny.  Most open-minded people wouldn’t consider putting up a post that made fun of braille signs or wheelchair ramp signs, but our society is unfortunately still at a point where food intolerances of any kind are seen as a joke, not a potentially life-threatening problem. As the poster on the left states, food allergies are not a punchline.

My children and I have all dealt with food sensitivities; they are fall out from “leaky gut syndrome” and Lyme Disease.  While not true IgE allergies, food sensitivities still have the potential to make someone feel horrendous.  They can cause migraines, reflux, digestive woes, fibromyalgia flares, eczema, rashes, and more; for some people it’s so serious that even skin contact will cause a major reaction (as indicated by the gluten free soap sign).  Yet as my kids and I dealt with these issues, many people including family members chose not to believe that our food sensitivities are real. 

My kids and I observed (and one child and I still observe) strict diets so that none of us would be miserable from the side effects of foods that bothered us, but we would occasionally find people who wanted us to have “just one bite” of whatever was being served.  They were trying to force food on others for reasons that didn’t make sense.  We were not starving.  We were politely opting not to eat what was served, and in many cases we brought our own food so that the host/ess did not have to worry about accommodating our eating needs.  However, many took it personally that we wouldn’t eat their food even if it would have made us sick.  Why?  I think Cesar Chavez had it one of our culture’s notions around food correct when he stated, “If you really want to make a friend, go to someone's house and eat with him... the people who give you their food give you their heart.”  By refusing other people's food, they were taking it personally that we were also refusing them.  Unfortunately, that’s a maligned perspective.  Those who love you unconditionally wouldn’t ask you to cause yourself bodily harm just to feed their egos. 

So why is there so much animosity about food sensitivities?  There are many possible reasons.  Quite a few people believe that IgG food sensitivities don’t exist.  Part of this comes from the fact that Western medicine doesn’t have an approved and statistically reliable test to diagnose them nor are there any treatments for food sensitivities that can be billed to insurance.  Until there is a drug or insurance covered treatment to help with the food sensitivities, most mainstream allergists will see no reason to deal with them.  Money unfortunately drives our health care system more than patient welfare.

Others see food sensitivities as part of the current gluten-free fad diet.  They think people are making a choice not to eat gluten, when for many, it’s not a choice.  For those with celiac disease who can’t even have trace exposures to gluten or for those with anaphylaxis to other allergens, abstaining from certain food items is a hassle and a frequent struggle, but it’s what they must do to live safely.

Some people object to food sensitivities from a very narrow-minded and selfish point of view because they feel the dietary needs of others inconvenience them.  When sensitive friends won’t go to the restaurants they prefer because there are no food options that those with allergies can safely eat, those without allergies can feel put upon.  When sensitive friends don’t eat the food that is provided at social events, the same people may see it as an insult.  Rarely have I heard of those with food sensitivities or allergies who ask their hosts to cater to their needs:  It’s too much work to ask of someone, plus it’s too easy for someone who isn’t familiar with cross-contamination and hidden ingredients to accidentally put something into food that will cause a reaction.  It’s easiest and safest for those with food issues to just bring their own food.  Likewise, many parents bitterly lament nut-free policies in schools or classrooms because they see it as an inconvenience when packing their picky-eating children’s lunch.  However, it’s much more inconvenient for the kids with anaphylaxis to nuts to stop breathing.

Some naysayers see it as attention seeking behavior.  I had some very mean things said to me while my kids were little, and I was accused of Münchausen syndrome by proxy by one family member.  Really, if someone wants attention, food sensitivities and food allergies are not a great way to get it.  They make one’s life much more complicated, and they create a situation in which you are excluded things which you might normally enjoy, such as having a slice of delicious looking birthday cake at a party.

This brings up another major reason for some of the resistance:  Our culture is definitely built on food.  Until you face food sensitivities or food allergies, you don’t truly realize how obsessed our society is with certain foods being served at certain events or how most holidays are centered on food.  Once you have to change how you participate in those events, your view changes as well.  Elsa Schiaparelli has noted that, “Eating is not merely a material pleasure. Eating well gives a spectacular joy to life and contributes immensely to goodwill and happy companionship. It is of great importance to the morale.”  Suddenly, you aren’t participating in that pleasure in the same way others are.

There’s also the possibility that people who are resisting against the concept of food sensitivities and allergies and how they impact others is merely hiding behind their own fear.  To quote William Shakespeare, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks."  These people are afraid of the truth and the reality that foods they love can truly be dangerous for others.  However, their own fear is not a good enough reason to degrade or humiliate others who are limited in their food choices by their sensitivities and allergies.  Perhaps some are also fearing that their own health issues might be caused by food, and they are terrified by the possibility of losing some of their favorite things to eat.

Some people will rudely and dangerously “test” a friend’s food sensitivities or allergies by putting the offending item in the person’s food to see if they notice or if this is all just a psychological problem.  This is not ok.  It can result in violent vomiting, migraines, or even death.  Even if the person doing the “testing” doesn’t see the results, that doesn’t mean that the person with the sensitivities didn’t go home and spend the next two days in agonizing abdominal pain with horrible diarrhea but was too polite or embarrassed to mention it to the host.  Please don’t “test” the allergies and sensitivities of those who have them.  Just trust that they know what is best for their bodies.

Regardless of naysayers' opinions, food allergies, food sensitivities, and other conditions such as celiac disease are true health problems.  They can cause a great deal of misery and even death for those who must deal with them.  These issues are not a lifestyle choice.  They’re not a desire to make everyone’s life a little more confusing or difficult.  They’re not an attempt to be rude. They’re a harsh reality that the sufferers and those they live with must cope with every day whether it’s convenient or not.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

Two of my grandparents were alcoholics.  One recovered; the other died young due to cirrhosis from drinking too much.  Amongst their children, there were several heavy smokers and several very heavy social drinkers; at least one was an alcoholic.  And playing into traditional stereotypes, yes, they were of good Irish stock.

In the Catholic Church, if one accepts the communion cup, one is able to start drinking at age 8 or 9 in most cases.  It’s only a small sip of wine each Sunday, but it is exposure to alcohol.  By the time I was in high school at age 14, I started craving the alcohol in an insane way.  I knew my family history, and I realized that what was happening was not healthy.  I also knew that whenever I was stressed out, I turned to soda.  I felt like I was very clearly getting signs that my genetic predisposition to alcoholism was going to manifest if I didn’t make careful choices.  As a result, I began abstaining at that point.  Twenty-six years later, I still get cravings for wine based only off of communion cup exposure.  I also only tasted beer once in my life when a friend’s mom gave me a sip at the ballgame when I was 11.  I hated the taste of the beer yet I will still get cravings for it, too.

For me, it was the mature and responsible decision not to ever start drinking socially.  In retrospect with the knowledge of my health problems which have greatly impacted my liver, it was the best thing I could have done for myself.  I’m also grateful I didn’t have to give alcohol up when I started battling health problems; that is a struggle for many individuals.  Even if I wanted to drink now, my body wouldn’t let me without severe repercussions.

I do partake of supplements that are alcohol based tinctures, and most of them are filled with herbs that are so potent and unappetizing that there’s not much attraction to them.  I have to work consciously to fight the cravings from flower essences that are preserved in alcohol (usually brandy).  This is one of the many reasons I love Green Hope Farm flower essences:  They are alcohol free.

As an adult, it’s been interesting being a non-drinker.  It’s definitely influenced my social life.  I’ve never seen the point of going down to Sixth Street: The smell of urine, sweat, and vomit is just not my thing.  I also found it hard to socialize with many of my fellow grad students because they went out to (then smoky) pubs after classes late at night when I just wanted to go to bed. 

Several years ago, I went to a mini-golf party with my kids with some of their classmates and their parents.  The park allows BYOB as long as it’s not in glass containers.  While I was sitting there drinking my water and everyone else over 21 was drinking boxed wine, the parental group began complaining about people who don’t drink and how boring they are.  I was amazed.  As I relayed this to a friend (who does drink) the next day, he looked at me with a funny face and said, “Are we still in high school?”  That was definitely how it felt to me.

Even on dating websites, I am amazed at how many men “red flag” women who don’t drink at all.  It’s seen as a problem, even if it’s a decision made by choice for health reasons.  Quite a few men argue that life is not worth living if you can’t have a glass of wine or champagne with your partner frequently or even each night.  Everyone gets to make their own decisions around alcohol, though I wish others didn’t see the decision not to drink alcohol as a major problem.  It just means that I find other ways to unwind and to enjoy life while being sober. 

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

The term “ghost” has all kinds of cultural connotations associated with it.  Many people will think of a translucent white figure that you can see as it makes bumps in the night.  Others might think of Casper or Slimer.  That’s not necessarily the way it plays out in the world of metaphysics, but I’m sure this isn’t the first time Hollywood has taken creative liberties!  Most of the time, I can’t actually see a spirit or energy that is around me.  I can sense their energy sometimes, but more often, I just see the results of their presence. 

One of my friends describes doing metaphysical work as “being shiny.”  That means energy workers attract the magpies of the spirit world as they can tell we can sense them.  While I make sure to shield my house and myself, I still attract energies and souls on occasion.  I’ve had a couple in my house that become electrical menaces.  One was turning on and off my sauna.  Then the spirit switched to turning on and off a light in my bedroom.  In that case, I simply told it, “Cut the crap.  I know you’re here.  I’m not interested in playing games.  This is my home, and you’re not welcome here.  Go in peace.”  And it did.  I guess I wasn’t too much fun to mess with!  

There was another one that was a “kitchen ghost.”  My three kids and I all watched a dish go flying off the kitchen counter.  I told myself that maybe it was just not sitting stably, and I blew the incident off.  Later the same week, an apple started rolling around the table while one of my kids and I were making apple pie.  At that point, I shifted gears and non-verbally went Mama Bear on the energy.  I let it know that it was NOT allowed to mess with my children.  I unexpectedly got back a meek reply of “sorry.”  This was just another bored energy who needed to find something better to do with himself—preferably somewhere that wasn’t my house.

Getting rid of the spirits is really pretty simple in most cases.  You just have to tell them to go.  You need to be firm, strong, and commanding.  You need to take ownership of your space and let them know that you are not open to sharing it.  Then send them on their way, asking them to go in peace.

On the rare occasions that they don’t leave easily, you don’t have to call the Ghostbusters to come in with their photon packs to blast the heck out of everything.  However, seeking outside help can bring peace to your family.  I offer remote home viewing services that can help in this regard; in other cases, you will need to hire a shaman or other energy worker who can get the spirits to leave from your living space. 

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

This past Monday, the radio hosts on one of the local morning shows were discussing various individuals with metaphysical abilities, particularly palm readers, tarot card readers, and psychics.  I don’t read palms or tarot cards, though I know others who do.  I am, however, what many would call a psychic though I usually use the term "intuitive."  The discussion they were having on the morning show was rather interesting; I wish I’d been in the room there to address some of the concerns that were being brought up.  So instead, I’m discussing them on my blog.

One of the very valid concerns that was voiced was about people becoming dependent on psychics to make all their decisions for them.  That is what one would refer to as con artists.  There are con artists in almost any field, so this is not something unique to the metaphysical community.  Unfortunately, they do exist, and con artists bring down the reputation of everyone in their fields.  In contrast, great psychics don’t want their clients to be dependent upon them.  Instead, they are working to help their clients develop their own metaphysical skills and abilities.  In addition, great psychics don’t ever tell their clients what to do.  Instead, they present options that let clients use free will to determine the best course of action in their own lives.  If a metaphysical practitioner ever starts demanding you do certain things or that you have to return to see them at certain times, then you should seriously consider walking out the door.  Those aren’t healthy behaviors.  Likewise, if a psychic medium promises you that they can definitely connect with a specific someone who has died, you should also consider discontinuing using their services.  Mediums really can connect with those who are dead, but they can't control who actually shows up for your session.  Claiming to be able to do so can be a sign of a con artist.

One of the radio hosts brought up the issue that he doesn’t want to know the future, and so he didn’t see the point in going to a psychic.  I actually completely understand that one.  I really don’t want to know most of what’s in my future.  When I am doing metaphysical work on myself, I usually am seeking information on my past so that I can work to heal it and on my present so that I can make wise decisions.  On occasion my future does come up, though I would rather not know the details about the future unless they are about something malleable that my actions can change or improve.  There are also times when knowing the future can be a horrible and painful burden:  I had premonitions that my daughter would die unexpectedly.  That was an awful thing, but at the same time, it prepared me mentally for her death and allowed me to function when others around me collapsed.  Not wanting to know parts of the future is really understandable.

So why see a psychic if you don’t want to know the future?  With the work I do, I help people who are “stuck” in their lives.  They might have health issues that they can’t get past.  Their doctors are out of options, and the clients can’t figure out what might help them.  The insight I get from higher guidance can set them on a path of healing.  Likewise, I’ve assisted people who can’t find employment due to blocks they were creating but couldn’t see for themselves.  I’ve also helped people clean out negative energy in their homes that was making their lives less than pleasant.  The bottom line is that people utilize my services in order to improve their lives.  The work I do is not just a fun party trick, but it can really make a difference in people's happiness and health.

The radio hosts questioned whether or not a psychic was obligated to tell clients things about the future if they came up.  This is a matter of personal ethics that varies between psychics and their belief systems.  In my work, I do generally tell clients what I see, but I always frame it clearly so that the client understands the role of free will in our lives.  Our futures are not written in stone.  For example, I might foresee a client dying in a car crash because he was driving while intoxicated.  This is something that is completely within the power of the client to change.  Thus, I would relay to him that it could be possible for him to die in a drunk driving accident, but that this tragic death could be prevented if he chose to quit drinking while intoxicated.  At that point, the client has the information, and he can make his own decisions as to whether he wants to continue driving drunk or not.

The radio discussion ventured onto a question of how much some psychics, palm readers and tarot readers must be making based on the high rent locations of some of their businesses.  First of all, in Austin, there is a weird disparity that involves certain locations in town. If one bought the property 20 or 30 years ago, then one probably has it paid off or is still paying on a very small mortgage.  Thus, some people are able to live or work in areas of town which they could never afford to buy in nowadays.  If one is renting, that’s a different story unless one is locked into a long term low rent deal.  Otherwise, metaphysical businesses are still businesses.  Those who have offices in prime locations can charge more for their services because of conveniences.  They also are more likely to gain clients from drive by publicity.  Aside from that, there are some well-known or popular psychics in Austin who do amazingly well for themselves.  Not everyone does as well as they do, though.

Overall, one of the radio hosts kept stating that he wanted to believe but he just couldn’t.  That’s called healthy skepticism, and any good psychic will encourage it.  Prior to coming into my own abilities, I definitely wanted to believe, but my rational brain just couldn’t accept it all.  Even since developing my own metaphysical gifts, I still am a healthy skeptic of anyone I meet who claims to be psychic until I’ve witnessed their abilities in action.  Just as in any profession, there are a wide variety of abilities among practitioners.  Until one has experienced a great metaphysical session firsthand, it can be hard to believe, and that’s completely legitimate.  However, declaring all metaphysical experiences bogus before one tries a session (or several with different practitioners) is simple prejudice.  That's like going to one doctor who can't figure out why your stomach hurts and then declaring all of Western medicine to be bogus.

At some point after the discussion, a call was played from a listener who clearly has metaphysical abilities herself.  She correctly stated that all of us are psychic and that this is most often demonstrated through our intuition when we get a gut feeling about doing something or not doing something.  How much we each choose to use or develop our individual abilities varies, and the level of our metaphysical giftedness varies as well.  Some people can hold a basketball, some people can dribble a basketball, and some people can make a three point shot from half court.  The same is true of metaphysical gifts.  We all have different abilities.

The best way to find a psychic, intuitive or other metaphysician is through word of mouth.  Talk to friends about their experiences.  Picking up the phone book and dialing a number or walking up to an office you see on the street often isn’t the best approach as it could lead you to a con artist.  Alternatively, you can check out practitioners’ websites, read their reviews, and ask them questions before booking a session if you have any.  Most of all, listen to your own intuition.  If you don’t feel good about a certain psychic, then no matter what your friends are saying, then don’t use their services.  Just as with doctors, lawyers, and other practitioners, there is no perfect match for everyone.  Find someone who is able to work with you as you need them to.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

There's a difference between solitude and loneliness. ~Maggie Smith

The documentary Maidentrip details the travels of a young woman, Laura Dekker, as she sets out to break the world record for the youngest person sailing around the world alone.  She was ages 13-16 during the time of the film and ages 14-16 during the actual journey.  In what I consider a wise move, Dekker chose to not try to do the trip as fast as possible as she wanted to stop and enjoy some of the locations she harbored in.  The documentary is not incredibly long, and the only critique I had was that the footage can be a bit queasy at times for those of us who don’t do well with sea sickness/motion.  The film is family friendly overall as long as you don’t mind Dekker swearing in English like a sailor on quite a few occasions.  There are subtitles in quite a few places, too.

As I watched the film, I was amazed at my revulsion to the idea of such a trip.  I didn't have an issue with Dekker making the trip though I’m not sure I would let my similarly aged children do the same thing.  However, I knew immediately I would never enjoy such a voyage.  Some of that is due to my above-mentioned seasickness, but something else struck a deeper chord that I had to explore to see why I had such a strong aversion to the concept.

It turns out this documentary tapped into the loneliness I felt during so many years of being homebound and isolated due to my chronic illness.  There was no one around the vast majority of the time.  Aside from my ex-husband, I rarely saw other adults.  I am a highly sensitive person and an introvert, so I do desperately need alone time.  However, I am also a social creature who enjoys going out with friends and attending various events.  After those events, I need to crawl back into my cave and decompress, but the socialization fuels me and feeds my soul.  Total solitude for days on end equates loneliness to me.

Choosing to be alone and having solitude is definitely one thing.  Loneliness due to health issues and isolation is another.  My experience with the latter has biased me against the first even though I enjoy solitude at times.  You just won’t be finding me taking any two year solitary cruises around the world in this life!

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance