Popular culture portrays psychics and intuitives in a number of different ways. Some of them accurately reflect my experiences as an intuitive to a certain extent: my perception, both sensory and extrasensory, leads me to deduce things about people that most would not be able to learn. Shows like Sherlock and The Mentalist explain part of my sensory perception of the world, though I certainly don’t function on the same level as these fictional characters. I cannot look at someone and tell that they have eaten ketchup manufactured in a certain province of China unlike the modern incarnation of Sherlock Holmes. In addition, unlike Patrick Jane and Sherlock Holmes, I can actually use extrasensory perception in addition to my highly attuned observational skills. Often it’s very difficult for me to tell which I’m using.

Patrick Jane is the title character in The Mentalist; he is adamantly against the possibility of true psychic perception having previous earned his living as a fraudulent psychic medium. However, he has incredibly powerful skills of observation which he uses to solve crimes. In one episode, Jane figures out that one of his male colleagues is sleeping with another one of his female colleagues based partially on the fact that the man is using the woman’s soap. While this might seem far fetched, I’ve been able to figure out similar things based on my heightened sense of smell. For instance, when my then-husband came home from work one day, I asked him where he had been. He responded that he’d been at work. I told him he went somewhere else that day, too. He told me no. Finally, after a few rounds of this, I told him that I could smell the other place on him and that it wasn’t a place he normally went to. At that point, he admitted that he had been to another office that day which he hadn’t wanted to tell me about. He wasn’t having an affair. He was just trying to keep some information away from me as part of a power/control move on his part. We still have periodic incidents, despite us being divorced, where I’m able to literally smell another story on him than the one he tells me.

At times, it’s less obvious to me when I am using sensory perception versus extrasensory perception. When I am observing the world, I don’t intentionally use one or the other most of the time. They’re an integrated part of my understanding of all that is around me. In one case, I determined that a friend in the group I socialized with was dating someone new and he hadn’t told the rest of us. When I related this to another mutual friend, he asked for my evidence. I gave him a list of things I’d observed including a particularly minute muscle movement that the guy in question had manifest in his neck and left shoulder. The mutual friend agreed with me that something was up with this guy, but he was convinced that there was no way that the things I had observed added up to a secret girlfriend. A few weeks later, the truth came out: Everything I’d deduced was true.

So was that muscle movement that I observed sensory or extrasensory perception? Likely it was both. I saw the movement with my eyes, but I also perceived a shift in his energy as the muscle movement happened. There was something beyond just a muscle movement. Yet I can’t easily explain to others when I experience an energy shift in someone. As an intuitive empath, I can feel people’s energy in conjunction with watching their actions and listening to the words, and the end result is often me ending up knowing more than I many people think I could possibly know.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

Before Lieutenant Commander Worf’s marriage to Lieutenant Commander Jadzia Dax on Deep Space Nine, the leading men undergo a four day Klingon equivalent of a bachelor party, the path to Kal’hayh. In true Klingon tradition, the ritual includes many trials to prepare the groom for marriage. After Worf breaks the news that they are about to begin a four day fast, Captain Sisko inquires:

Sisko: What are the other five trials?
Worf: Blood, sacrifice, pain, anguish, and death.
Doctor Bashir: Sounds like a marriage alright!

I’d beg to differ that all of marriage is as tortuous as that, but the process of divorcing certainly is painful. It’s a very difficult step. The majority of people getting married don’t think that they will want to get divorced in the future. Most of us believe we’ve found our happily ever afters, never expecting that one day we will be viewing our spouses with a “What was I thinking?” mentality.

In a recent post on LinkedIn, someone commented that having kids doesn’t impact the decision to divorce or the process very much. I very much disagree with that statement. Having kids definitely changed how we approached the divorce as much of what we did was in their best interest. My ex and I made decisions that we definitely would not have made if we didn’t have kids.

To start with, my ex-husband and I were separated but still living together for 15 months before he was able to move out. Only our closest friends knew about this. There were financial considerations involved that were related to the kids, and we weren’t sure when we would have the resources for him to be able to move out. It was definitely less than ideal, but as the house we were living in is big enough, it was manageable. We each had our own rooms. When I was “on duty” with the kids, he’d leave the house and go to work or a coffee shop or the movies. When he was “on duty” with the kids, I’d lock myself in my room and turn on the tv, pretending I wasn’t in the same building. We told the kids that we were no longer spending time together to help us fight less (true!). They could understand this, especially when we put it in the context of someone in their classrooms who was really annoying and whom they didn’t want to sit at a table with since they didn’t like that person very much. They understood that just staying away from someone you don’t get along with can be a very good solution.

After that initial in-house separation time had passed and we reached the point where he was going to be moving out, we went public with the separation, shocking many people who’d had their eyes closed to the reality of our relationship for a long time. The kids were not surprised as they knew we were in marriage therapy and were very unhappy. Our goal when my ex moved out was that he would find a rental within the neighborhood of our then-mutual house which I would be staying in. I wanted it to be on the same side of the major street in our neighborhood. What we ended up finding through word of mouth before it even went on the market was a house nine doors down from my house. The kids were able to easily walk back and forth between our two places for the two years that he lived there. I can’t tell you how much that helped the kids, knowing they could always go see the other parent by walking down the street. The arrangement eased a great deal of their stress about their parents divorcing. It was also incredibly convenient as we got used to the intricacies of the kids going back and forth between houses and forgetting homework, musical instruments, and most often, shoes! However, I can guarantee you that my ex would not have rented in that location if it weren’t for the kids. He would have picked something closer to his work and further from me.

As we worked through our divorce agreements, the kids were a HUGE part of the discussions. We had to figure out custody, medical agreements, finances, vacations, clothing, college, interactions with future romantic partners, visitation rights for grandparents, and more. We were able to do most of that with little strife as we agree 99% of the time about what is best for the kids. The finances were much trickier than the rest, but in general, the kids were a huge consideration in all of the negotiations.

Because there were kids involved, my ex and I were a lot more cautious about how we moved forward. We agreed that we would wait one year after he moved out to make certain that divorce was the right thing. However, after four months of him being in his rental, we both knew without a doubt that it was Over. Neither of us needed the full year to come to that conclusion. We let the kids know then that the marriage was definitely over though the legal divorce would be a while longer for financial reasons. Since they’d had four months of us living separately, they had realized how much better life was with two happy but separate parents. None of us questioned that it was for the best at that point. We all found the 60 day “cooling off” period required by Texas law after filing for divorce to be highly amusing as we’d already been separated for over three years at that point!

After two years and right before our divorce officially became final last summer, my ex-husband bought a new house of his own. Again, the kids completely determined which area of town he bought in. Our oldest kids had two high schools in the area they wanted to attend, and either was a possibility. When it became clear that one high school was the winner, my ex found a house that was districted to that high school. His new house is 3 miles and 8 minutes from my house. Again, this is not likely where he would have bought if the kids weren’t part of the consideration, but he loves the house and has several co-workers who live in the same neighborhood. We both appreciate that even though we have some distance between us, we’re still in the same basic area of town. Texas law says that parents can move up to two counties away from each other, but my ex and I both agreed to change that and limited our agreement to the four county area immediately surrounding Austin. Even then, neither of us has any desire to live more than about 15-30 minutes from the other while the kids are still in school because we don’t want the extra driving.

I have actually reached a point where I am considering leaving the Austin area, but because of the kids, I won’t be doing it for at least another six years. I’ve already told the kids that if I haven’t met someone who is tied to the Austin area, after they graduate from high school, I may be moving to another part of the country. I hate hot weather, I hate mountain juniper (aka cedar allergies), and I don’t have anyone besides my kids tying me to the Austin area. Because of the nature of my work, I can easily move to another side of the country without losing many clients. For now, though, I am staying here to be with my kids.

Finally, the biggest issue influenced by divorcing with kids is the constant communication. We truly co-parent; it’s not a fluffy meaningless term as it is in some divorces. We each have the kids about half of the time, but we both play a huge role in making all decisions for the kids. That means that it is rare that a day goes by that we don’t text each other, and we talk to each other several times per week. Even when he was on vacation with the kids recently, I texted him several times and talked to him twice about the health of the kids. This is what’s in the best interest of the children. As anyone who has gone through a breakup can tell you, it’s much harder to get over someone you deeply loved when you have to be around them or talking to them constantly. Our individual healing processes probably would have been faster if we hadn’t had to communicate so often. However, because it is in the best interest of the kids, we do talk frequently about them and their needs and scheduling for their lives. I can guarantee you that this would not be the case if the kids were not involved!

I can definitely see how in a case where parents aren’t focused on their children’s best interests that having kids might not affect the divorce in any way. I’ve seen some nasty divorces where the best interests of the kids really aren’t taken into consideration. I feel deeply for those kids, especially those whose parents end up using them as pawns in a power play situation. However, in the case of my divorce, that wasn’t an issue. We viewed our kids as very important people whose needs were a vital part of the divorce negotiations.

As we have moved forward after the decree was signed, my ex and I are truly co-parenting and working to make sure our kids’ needs are met the best we can. The relationship my ex-husband and I continue have is determined by what we do for our kids. We both agreed strongly that as much as possible, our kids shouldn’t have to pay for the fact that their parents divorced. Instead, we’ve worked hard to make sure that their quality of life has actually improved in many ways because of the divorce. As a result, the kids showed almost no stress or strife in the process of us divorcing. They’ve felt secure and loved by both parents through it all.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present
― Lao Tzu

This quote made me cringe as I read it on the internet a few weeks ago. There is some truth in these words, but there is also a lot of myth and misunderstanding.

Depression can be situational, and it can be related to the past, the present or the future. If you didn’t get to go to the dance you wanted to attend last week and you’re still feeling sorry for yourself, then you are living in the past. If you are depressed because you are sick and stuck at home today, you are living in the present. If you are depressed because you didn’t get into the college of your choice, then your are grieving your future. All of these are valid reasons for one to grieve briefly. Staying in that place of grief and depression for an extended amount of time can become problematic, though.

Likewise, anxiety can be related to the present and the future. Anxiety can arise from standing in front of an empty fridge and pantry not knowing how to feed your hungry children. Stress, another component of anxiety, can arise as you stare at an exam question with no clue what the answer is even though you studied, attended class and did the readings. While a great deal of our anxiety is from borrowed trouble when we worry about what will happen in the future, there are times when anxiety can be very much a part of our present.

More importantly, anxiety and depression can both be responses to treatable physical conditions. While they make the past, present, and future seem stressful or dismal, the mental difficulties are tied to issues that require outside intervention. In these cases, changing your thoughts can’t bring you to peace. The range of things that can cause these emotional states is wide, but in my personal and professional experience, I have seen parasites, Lyme (especially when it is dying off), entities, mineral imbalances, hormonal imbalances, gut dysbiosis and brain chemistry issues all cause depression and anxiety; I'm certain there are other roots in addition to those I've listed. These are issues that will require some kind of outside assistance to change the physical problems that are creating the anxiety and depression.

While it’s true that most people who are living in the present will have less stress and depression, it’s also not always true. Anyone who has worked with people with Alzheimer’s disease can tell you that some patients are very distressed by the present. It is only when they are living in the past that they can find peace. Likewise, when we are undergoing a great deal of stress in the present day, we may turn to the past or the future to find a place of peace to calm ourselves. We might know that this job interview is rough, but when we get to the other side, we will have the job of our dreams (or if not, at least the ordeal will be over!). We might be dealing with a colicky screaming baby at 2 a.m., but we return to the vision of the beautiful laughing baby from earlier in the day to remind ourselves why it is all worth it.

Not all sayings from wise people are really that inspired. Some have elements of truth but have been generally disproven by experience and societal change. When something makes you cringe inside when you read it, take the time to examine where that response came from. Is the emotional reaction due to something that is challenging your boundaries and forcing you to grow? In that case, stay with the discomfort as you try to work through the idea that is hard to accept. On the other hand, is the saying missing the reality of your experience? If so, then discard its purported wisdom for what you know to be true.

©2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

Beginning on January 1st of this year, the city of Austin went “hands free.” What that means is that using a mobile device such as phone for calling or texting while driving or biking is now illegal unless one is using a hands free device such as a Bluetooth. When this law first passed, I thought it was a great plan. I still do on a certain level. My ex-husband was in a car accident a few years ago where the other (sober) driver was clearly distracted: she plowed into his car from behind when he had been at a complete stop at a light for over a minute. Fortunately, no one had any major injuries from the accident, but it did create a whole lot of expense and hassle for those involved including my ex having to go to court to testify against the woman who initially challenged the ticket that Austin police had given to her.

However, I don’t think the law has played out in the way that was intended. What I’ve noticed, especially in the past month or so, is that people are still texting while driving.They’re not openly texting, though. What they’re doing is holding the phone down low so that no one can tell that they are texting (in theory). Instead of having their eyes half on the road, they are completely ignoring everything around them except what is down below the steering wheel. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this in the past month, but it has to be close to a dozen.

I also had an experience about a month ago involving a bicyclist. I drove through West Campus, an area near UT where many students live. There was a college-aged man riding a bicycle the wrong way on a one way street. He wasn’t wearing a helmet, and he was texting while riding one-handed. His eyes definitely weren’t on the road. Aside from nominating himself for a Darwin Award, this young man was clearly in violation of the new hands free law.

I’m not sure how one goes about solving this problem. Clearly the fines and other results of the law are not threatening to many people. Even scarier is that the people violating the no-texting law are not being realistic about the potential for life destroying accidents. In 2011, 23% of accidents involved cell phones. Texting while driving makes one 23 times more likely to have an accident. Other statistics demonstrate that texting while driving is six times more likely than drunk driving to cause an accident. Eleven teens die every day due to texting while driving accidents; 21% of teens involved in fatal accidents were distracted by their cell phones. In actual numbers, “3,328 people were killed in crashes involving a distracted driver” and “an additional, 421,000 people were injured in motor vehicle crashes involving a distracted driver in 2012.” Yet somehow those scary statistics aren’t enough to convince people to stop texting and driving. Why is it that our society has become so obsessed with instant communication that we can’t even wait ten or fifteen or even sixty minutes until our next stop in order to reply? Why do we have to respond immediately even at the threat of loss of life and limb? From the view of someone who is very outside the mainstream, I am puzzled by how people let their cell phones rule their lives to an unhealthy extent.

I’m not sure what it is going to take for society to change its behaviors, but I hope it happens soon. I am dismayed by how little positive impact the new laws have had in Austin, at least from an informal survey of what I see in driving around town.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

I regularly peruse the giveaway section on Goodreads. I’ve won some great and some not so great books through this platform. As I was looking there recently, a headline jumped out at me for the book Worth Waiting For. It proclaimed, “Warning: Gay(MM) Romance” [sic]. My jaw hit the ground. Really? A book with gay romantic content needs a warning label? I went and checked out the publisher to see if the book was self-published, and given that all of the books but one that are on this publisher’s very minimal and outdated website are by the same author, I suspect the author is also the publisher or has close ties to the publisher.

When I went to the book’s Goodreads page to investigate further, I found that I was not the only one who had the same reaction. In the discussion section, another reader had asked, “Who puts the ‘warning: gay romance’ in the description? is that an author or publisher choice? goodreads?” Clearly I was not the only one was bothered by this “warning” for readers. The author had replied, “I put it there(The author) because believe it or not some people enter the giveaway and then are offended about the content after they win it. So this is my way of saying if you are not interested or offended by gay romance then don't enter. It's only in the Goodreads giveaway description and not the original book description.” However, despite the author's explanation, the word choice of "warning" still stuck me as painful. Why should I need to be warned about anyone's love? I can't imagine books about heterosexual lovers having a "warning" label, though in the days of censorship, books like Lady Chatterley's Lover certainly did cause social upheaval because their explicit sexual content.

At that point I navigated away as I was pretty certain the book would be less skillfully crafted that what I prefer in my reading material. The author failed to correctly phrase the book promotional statement so the desired potential readers would not be offended; that was a sure sign the author’s expository prowess was going to be lacking. I completely understand the author’s point: I would bet money that there are people who just go through the offered books, register for them all, and then resell them on another online source, never reading or reviewing them. I also can believe that some people just go through the romance section and register for them all without reading the content information including "warnings." However, if I wanted to make sure potential readers of my novel with homosexual characters didn’t attract those who would be offended by it solely based on the sexual orientation of its characters, I would start the review, “In this erotic romance, potential lovers Craig and Jason….” I would very much omit the “warning” part of the introduction; one could even omit the word gay as Craig and Jason are almost always male names in our culture. It bothers me that someone who is open-minded enough to write a gay romance or erotica would not to realize that labeling it explicitly with the world “warning” might be offensive to potential readers, the ones the author actually wants to attract.

While recent victories like the one in the nominally very Catholic Ireland show that our world is rapidly changing with its attitudes toward gay marriage, there is still a long way to go before equality is reached for all people, regardless of their sexual orientation not to mention their skin color, sex, gender, abilities, and more. Those who are trying to help break down the barriers need to make sure that they are not buying into established paradigms that frame homosexuals or any other minority group in a negative light. Word choices as simple as the one word of “warning” reflect a culture that still needs to grow in many ways before there will be true acceptance for all.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

I’ve had several people ask about what Chris Harrison said at the book signing I attended last week on May 20, 2015 at the Arboretum Barnes and Noble in Austin. Since I’d typed up a very long email for my Bachelor/ette watching buddy in New York the day after the event, I’ve reworked that e-mail into a ridiculously long blog post. Please take into account that I was not taking notes or recording anything during the evening, so this is my memory of what was said. While I wrote it down within 24 hours of the event, I’m sure this is not perfect. I am positive that much of the content is not in the actual order it was presented. However, if I misquoted or misremembered something, the error is mine, and I apologize to those who were posing the questions and to Chris Harrison who was answering them. I have interjected some of my personal observations; these are mine alone. Harrison speaks with a great sense of humor and jokes around quite a bit which gave the evening a very light-hearted feel. I don’t know that I can easily convey his humor, but I will try to make it clear when he was obviously joking with the audience.

As he began speaking about his new book, The Perfect Letter, Chris Harrison seemed nervous to me, something I found surprising for a man who is certainly no stranger to public limelight. After a few minutes, though, he found his rhythm, and by the time he moved on to the question and answer section of the evening about ten minutes later, he was totally at ease and enjoying the evening.

Chris Harrison said that the character of Leigh in his book is based on no one woman; she is a conglomeration of a lot of women in his life including some of the bachelorettes. The love triangle in the book was inspired partially by Andi Dorfman because he feels like she truly loved two different men, and he feels like we have the capacity to love more than one person at once. He didn't endorse polyamory or explore ideas along those lines, but it felt like Harrison was one step away from being able to expand onto that concept. 

Harrison said that the lead male character of Jake in the novel was NOT named after Jake Pavelka. He just thought that Jake made a good Texas country boy name.

When explaining why he chose to write a romance, he said people want him to write a Bachelor tell-all which he could definitely do because he has stories that would make heads spin. However, Harrison doesn't want to burn bridges until the show is over and even then he's not sure he wants to do it. He also doesn't want to write a dating book because he doesn't feel like an expert on that. Harrison said he's divorced, so that definitely means he doesn't have it all figured out. He also said at one point he is NOT a matchmaker. He really identified more as a show's producer than as the host as he was speaking.

Returning to the topic of the romance novel, he said his now ex-wife was a big Nicholas Sparks fan, and so he's read The Bible (aka The Notebook) and others of Sparks’ works. Harrison has spent time socializing and talking with Sparks as well. He really was inspired by Sparks and his great books. Chris Harrison did not like 50 Shades of Grey and described those as "sex scenes, not love scenes"; he wanted to write something tamer but yet more adventurous than Sparks in the romance/sex department. When he was writing love scenes, he'd send them to a few trusted females and ask them for suggestions and opinions. He said he promised he wasn't sexting them! The women would send back their opinions including issues around various word choices. Harrison wanted it to be clear that he had not written the love scenes in a vacuum.

He said that he was raised in Dallas and had an uncle in Austin, so he often visited here as a child. (His cousin Daniel walked in a few minutes after Harrison began speaking and Harrison pointed him out; Harrison also paused and said "Oh, hey Karen" at one point to another woman who was there.) He used to go hunting and fishing in the Hill Country, the setting for his novel. Harrison definitely identifies as a Texas boy. He always liked Austin because it's just different than the rest of Texas. He said he's always known his first book would be set here.  

With regard to future books, Harrison said he plans to write future books that will be set in the places he's been blessed to travel with The Bachelor. His sense of gratitude around his blessings and what his work on The Bachelor/ette has allowed him to experience was really palpable. He comes across as a truly nice guy who understands how blessed his life has been. He also said that he had a wonderful marriage when he was recounting the list of his blessings.

Harrison wants a movie version of The Perfect Letter and told the audience to start thinking about who should be cast.

As the evening’s question and answer section began, a woman asked, “Have you begun dating again?” Harrison jokingly said something along the lines of, “Thanks for jumping right in with my personal life!” but then he went on to say yes, he has started dating. I thought this was public knowledge, but I guess not everyone is up-to-date or this woman wanted a more specific answer as to a current woman in his life. However, Chris Harrison said that in the words of someone he knows, he is “tragically undateable” because of his schedule. I think most of the women in the audience disagreed! I would suspect the median age of the audience was 40 (Harrison is 42), and the range of ages of most of the women was 15 to 55. There were only a few men there: a couple of teen boys who must have been brought by their mother and a few husbands. I think the only single guy there was an employee at the store. As I enjoyed the people watching opportunity, I was thinking to myself, “The single guys of Austin don’t realize what a prime opportunity they missed here… a captive audience of women who are fans of romance and love!” Anyway, Chris Harrison joked that he had he had a window of about three months in the fall when he might be able to date, but between traveling to Mexico in June to film The Bachelor in Paradise and then moving to Connecticut to film Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? in September, plus his book tour and all the other travel The Bachelor requires, he just doesn’t have a life conducive to dating.

With regard to this season of The Bachelorette, Harrison said it was a knock-down fight about Britt versus Kaitlyn amongst all those involved. Harrison reminded the audience that 10 years ago they'd done the two bachelors thing which included Byron Velvick; then Harrison then launched into a brief side remark about how Velvick is down the road in San Antonio, and Harrison had recently talked to him. Returning to the issue of having two bachelorettes at the start of this season, Harrison said that the producers swore they’d never do again. He said that during the meeting when Mike Fleiss decided to do the two bachelorettes, he reminded Fleiss of the vow and was duly ignored. Harrison said it shows how much power he doesn't have as a producer!

Someone queried something about the length of the first episode this season; because the audience members were not using microphones and Harrison wasn’t repeating their questions, I didn’t hear the exact inquiry. He said that this cocktail party this week was basically two in one and so it lasted way too long. He explained how first they were having a cocktail party for the men to decide on the women; the second party was for Kaitlyn to decide on the first 15 men. Harrison said there was nothing sexy about it by the end. He said normally the sun is coming up, but it was full on breakfast time by the time they got done the first week of this season. He said they didn't get home until 8-9 in the morning. Harrison also described a bit what was going on behind the scenes during that extra-long cocktail party. He said that the "control room" is in the three car detached garage. They've got a couch in there, and he and another producer often crash on it. He said he used to try to stay awake all night, but no more. Now some poor kid has to fearfully poke him and whisper, "Mr. Harrison?" to try to get him to wake up. As a tag-on question to this one, someone asked if the night is open bar. Harrison confirmed that the contestants can have anything they want all night long in regards to alcohol.

An audience member asked who should play Harrison in a movie about his life. Another audience member joked it should be Matthew McConnaughey, an Austin local and favorite. Chris Harrison then started talking about his relationship with McConnaughey; they were involved in two triathlons together. I think he called McConnaughey an interesting guy. When Harrison got back to the actual question, he jokingly suggested Denzel Washington would be great. Someone else in the audience suggested Paul Rudd, and Chris Harrison didn't seem to know what to make of that.

A woman asked what they needed to do to get Chris Harrison to show up at their Bachelor watching party in Fort Worth. He said bbq and Shiner Bock are pretty good lures. He said that he loves LA and there is great food there, but nothing to compare to the Tex-Mex and BBQ in Texas.

Someone asked if the contestants ever eat the food that just sits in front of them on plates. Harrison laughed and said he gets that question a lot, and yes, they eat some, but that watching people eat is really boring. He said once the contestants have eaten, there are usually a lot of leftovers so he just eats those. :) He views a lot of the show through the lens of a producer and what will draw in an audience. In regards to editing and things we don’t see, Harrison said that the contestants do discuss movies and politics and "normal" things, too, but it's really boring watching two people discuss a movie they've recently seen.

Someone asked if Harrison preferred The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, and he said the former. He said that was where it all started, so The Bachelor is kind of his baby. He also said women make better tv because of, no offense meant, the drama they create when living together whereas guys work it out or slug it out and then five minutes later will be drinking a beer together.

Chris Harrison said that super-drunk contestant Ryan on Monday was actually bad tv. The producers want stories when they cast people, things that they can draw out across the season. Ryan was just pathetic, and it was over before it began. In contrast, he said Kelsey was gold. She had the amazingly tragic (or in her words, amazing) story, but the way things turned out on screen was the kind of thing that one can't predict but that producers are utterly grateful for.

Someone asked how much say the contestants have in casting, and he said virtually none. He said that the show does casting calls and actually keep files. Harrison was extremely complimentary of the casting department, though I don’t remember the names he mentioned. Sometimes the casting staff will call someone three years later to see if someone is still single because they think that person would be good for whomever is the current star. Harrison said that they have 30 women up until that very night of the first cocktail party, and that it is a battle between producers as to which 25 make it on the show. Each producer may have visited ten of the women at their homes, and so they'll have bias towards whom they really want on the show.

Though it’s been mentioned many times before, someone suggested Harrison should be the next bachelor. He said that he would make a terrible bachelor because he's not the type of guy to take off his shirt in a hot tub with 25 women. He said that you have to be willing to put it all out there, and he's not that kind of person. Harrison said it's why they turn down some great people, because they just don't have the right personality to do it.

Another audience member asked if the producers know how "crazy" the contestants are before signing them on, and he said no. He said that something we need to face as a society is that most of us are crazy. He said if they locked the doors, 50% of the people in the room, if not more, would turn out to be crazy. It's just a fact of life.

Harrison referred to the “women,” not the “girls,” throughout his presentation which I appreciated a lot.

The next questioner asked if Ashley S. from last season would be in Mexico for The Bachelor in Paradise. He responded, "God, I hope so! If she's not going, I'm not going either." He said Ashley is really great and is on the joke until she's not. He said that he's heard (wink, wink) that she's supposed to be there, but with her you never know until she actually shows up. She might forget or go to Mesa Verde. 

Someone asked about the legacy issue: it seems like you have to have been on the show to be on the show. Chris Harrison said that this was partially just the battle of getting an audience. If they announce that Susan, an accountant from NY, is the next bachelorette, no one cares one way or the other, but if they announce it's Britt, people will say, "OMG. I hate her so much. She's so fake." He said that even if people hate the person they choose, that's good, because they care and are engaged and will watch. It's half the battle. [I actually disagree with Harrison on that idea. I disliked Juan Pablo so much that I refused to watch his season. It turns out I was right! However, Harrison is probably right that most fans won’t tune out just because they don’t like the star of the show.]

Another questioner asked if the producers would consider doing an all-star season of The Bachelor or Bachelorette. Harrison felt that was unlikely because it would detract from the success of the established show and what it is. He said the closest they came was with Jesse Palmer who made his Bachelor appearance into a sports casting career (whereas Chris Harrison had made his sportscaster career into The Bachelor). Harrison said that he has a lot of athletes who do approach him about wanting to be on the show, but what they want is to date 25 women at once. When he clarifies that they have to fall in love with and marry one, suddenly the athletes aren't interested any more.

According to Harrison, it is now ok for celebrities to “come out” as liking Bachelor now since they’re established. He named Jennifer Aniston and several others. Someone asked what Chris Harrison things about Jimmy Kimmel’s predictions, and Chris said he loves them. He also related that Jimmy Kimmel does not want spoilers. Chris Harrison also thought Jimmy Kimmel was awesome last season because Kimmel got to be Harrison’s alter ego and say all the things he wishes he could say.

A woman asked asked how they pick the date locations. I thought she meant more the activities on the dates, but Harrison interpreted the question to mean the locations in a global sense. He says that they now get approached by tourism boards from around the world. The countries can spend $100K for a short 30 second commercial in the US that no one will watch, or they can spend the same amount on the show and get a two hour high-def sexy commercial for their country. Harrison said that they went to Ireland this season, and that when you watch it, you'll believe it never rains in Ireland because of how they are editing it, but he assured the audience that it very much does rain in Ireland. He said they make Ireland look really sexy. So the producers respond to offers now as to how they select travel locations. However, Trista gives him all kinds of trouble still about how her exotic trip was to Seattle.

Harrison said that he brings his kids on a lot of the trips, and the family is lucky that the kids' teachers agree that travel is one of the best ways to learn. His son is 13 and in 7th grade; his daughter is 11. He said they've traveled more in their lives than he did in the first 30 years of his. Harrison said that when the show goes to the various foreign destinations, they hire locals to work on the show, and he usually befriends one of the locals and gets them to show him the town so he can see it in as non-touristy of a way possible. He said he has lots of down time on the trips, and he takes advantage of it to see what he can.

Someone asked him if he ever clues in the bachelor/ette about problems going on with the contestants or if he just keeps quiet. Harrison said that he's learned as a parent and as the host that if he tells someone not to do something, they'll do it. If he tells his kids not to touch something, the first thing they’ll try to do is grab it. So while he might probe around and try to convince a contestant to talk to him about what they see in the (troublesome) person, he knows that it's part of the bachelor/ette’s life experience to figure it out. He also said there's no accounting for that spark that happens between people when it sometimes makes no sense to an outsider.

Someone asked about the minority casting issue with regard to the show: the fact that minorities are severely underrepresented. I thought Harrison answered this well. He said that it was a problem that they'd created and that they need to fix. He said that it's a problem across Hollywood. Harrison said that it is also reflected in casting calls: minorities don't see themselves on television, so they don't think they can be. When The Bachelor/ette holds the open calls, they only have 5-10% minority turnout, a far cry from the representative portion of the population. From there, the applicants have to pass through a series of hurdles including interviews and a blood test, so that process ends up screening out more people. He said they'd like to have a minority bachelor/ette, but they don't want to just pick a token minority who won't be a good star. Harrison said that a lot of people wanted Marquel to be the bachelor, but there was no way because Marquel had major issues with women and didn't get along with them very well. Harrison thought that was the main qualification for the job! So the producers are looking for the right person, but that person hasn't shown up yet.

At some point during the evening, Harrison mentioned that he said he is still friends with a bunch of the show participants, especially older cast members who are more his age. Throughout his various answers, he'd talk about the people he's still in touch with including Trista and Brad Womack who lives in Austin. He said he got Ashley S. to work a benefit with him in L.A. recently. He does a lot of charity events, especially golf ones from what he mentioned. Harrison also said he was going out to dinner with Brad Womack. When someone asked him where, he jokingly said, "Oh, you know. KFC." I thought that was a great way to diffuse a potentially invasive question with humor.

Someone said something about Juan Pablo (again, hard to understand due to the lack of audience microphones), and Harrison replied, "Ah, my buddy Juan Pablo. Surprisingly, I haven't talked to him lately." Harrison said that three weeks into the show, he knew the season was over and they should pack up and go home. He said that Juan Pablo is a control freak who couldn't let go and experience it. He said that Sean had to go through the experience of letting go andKaitlyn did, too. He said they have to learn the lesson that the more you cling, the less control you end up having.

He said Catherine and Sean really are in love. He said as far as he knew as of earlier that day, Chris and Whitney were still together, though if someone had heard otherwise, it would be news to him. Chris Harrison was glad that Dancing with the Stars was over so that they could leave L.A., go back to Iowa, and start living life.

Harrison said that most audience members can't grasp the stress of the show. They think they wouldn't become a crying mess like so many people on the show, but Chris Harrison said it's totally different when you're there because you don't have your cell to call your mom, you can't do your normal stress relief activities, and you get faced to actually force your raw emotion, and the emotion is RAW. He said it's really hard.  

Someone asked him if he had opinions about people who post spoilers. Harrison said that back in the day when they started The Bachelor, the internet wasn't what it is now with Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, blogs, etc. Now it is an issue. When they hold dates in public, people will see, and they will post. They try to embrace it as much as they can by inviting people to certain dates. Harrison said that the bottom line is that there are mean people out there, and mean people suck. He said that if those people put half as much effort into not sucking instead of waking up each morning and asking "How can I make the world suck today?", then life would be so much better. He doesn't like the spoilers that ruin the final episode, but they can't stop them completely because if two people know things in the modern age, it's not a secret any more.

A young woman who didn’t fit the stereotypical look for bachelorettes jokingly asked why he hadn't replied to her tweet asking to be the bachelorette. Harrison tactfully avoided a direct reply and said that she had a leg up towards becoming a bachelorette because she was from Texas and everyone knows that Texas is the hotbed of controversy half the time.

During the entire evening, the only question I didn't appreciate how Chris Harrison answered was when a man asked when they would do a show with some "normal people.” There was a murmur rumbling through the audience as though some couldn't believe he asked that; I’m not sure if it was his poor phrasing or the idea in the first place that caused the widespread dismay. The audience member quickly clarified, “Like the geeks, the nerds, the people who don't look as great with their shirts off.” There was more chattering and murmuring at that point, and someone near him must have said something to him (but he was behind the bookcase I was leaning against so I couldn’t see the people involved), so he proclaimed at that point, "No, no. I'm married! I'm just asking." Chris Harrison responded curtly that tv is a visual medium, and that when they do the radio version of the show, they'll consider it. Despite the personal questions earlier in the evening, this was the only time I felt like Harrison got bristly with a questioner. The topic clearly generated some deep feelings in him. Whether those feelings are because he agrees with the audience member about wanting some more average people on the show or if it’s because he feels persecuted by fans about this topic on a regular basis, I couldn’t tell. Either way, it was obvious that this was a topic Harrison didn’t want to have to approach.

As the final question, an audience member asked him how he has stayed grounded and if he has a strong faith that makes him the way he is. Harrison said that he comes from a strong family with seven grandkids (including him as the youngest) and 13 great-grandkids. He said that his 99 year old grandmother is the matriarch of the family and is still alive and kicking. He said she's a very strong woman. Harrison briefly mentioned his grandfather but I didn't quite hear what he said (due to the store’s staff talking really loudly near me). He said that when his book came out earlier this week, he realized that he wasn't curing cancer or anything, but his family didn't take much note. (I heard a lot of deep pain in these comments. Like many of us, Harrison jokes about his family’s response, but things like this can be very difficult. I understand that one from a lot of personal experience!)

Harrison followed up by saying he does believe in God, but he really skirted away from the discussion of spirituality for some reason. I can understand how working on a show with a highly Christian-based contestant population, he might want to keep his personal beliefs private if they don’t align, or he might just be the kind of person who prefers not to talk about his spiritual beliefs.

From there, Harrison did say that there is one thing he can't tolerate, and it's lying. He tells every group of contestants that if they are lying, and some of them are, possibly about a boyfriend or girlfriend back home, some about being there for the wrong reasons, then he will find them out. He reminds them that he has a bigger podium than they do, and he will not put up with it. He will call them out on it, and they will regret it. So just don't lie to him. Harrison said Ryan was a great example on the season premiere of someone who was there for the wrong reasons, but he didn't have to call Ryan out on it because Ryan did such a great job on his own. Based on these comments, I took it as a huge compliment when Harrisontweeted that he liked the honesty in the book review I wrote about The Perfect Letter.

As I mentioned previously, I really enjoyed the evening and getting to learn more about Harrison, his book, and The Bachelor/ette. I felt like I walked away with a better understanding of many topics I was curious about.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

Language is important in our society. The words we use convey great meaning and emotion, and they can hurt deeply if they are loaded with meaning. Our society even labels some words as “bad” because their connotations are so strong, though words themselves are not inherently bad. It’s the meanings we attach to the words that makes them kind or less so.

One of the things that makes me grimace when watching both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette is the language used to describe the contestants. The males involved with the shows are referred to as “men.” However, the female participants are almost always referred to as “the girls.” On rare occasion, they sometimes are referred to as ladies. There’s a great disparity in these chosen words. The word man represents a grown male; the parallel term is woman. The word boy represents an immature male, usually a teenager or less; the parallel term in this situation is girl representing an immature female. However, when language is used on The Bachelor/ette, parallel terms aren’t used. Instead, we repeatedly hear “men” paired with “girls.”

I find this linguistic disparity discouraging and sexist. It seems to be putting down the women and making them less mature and capable than the men. Language like this reveals our latent cultural attitudes and an undermining belief in the equality of the sexes. However, many folks would tell me that this is no big deal. After all, it’s “just” a reality show, but everyone knows that reality shows aren’t all that real. Yet the language used by the show is reflective of a greater issue in our culture.

The traditions on The Bachelor/ette are well entrenched, and fans are liable to revolt if changes are made that are perceived as too drastic from the norm. However, I wish that those on the show and those producing it would make an effort to make sure the language used reflects the equality between the sexes that should exist in our world.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

I admit that if it weren’t for Chris Harrison’s connection to The Bachelor/ette, I wouldn’t have put his first novel on my reading list. In fact, if I hadn’t gone tothe book signing last week, I probably would not have bought the novel at all. Instead I would just have waited to borrow it from the local library once it finally became available there in digital format. Yet in spite of those facts, I’m grateful I did purchase The Perfect Letter because the book captivated me fairly quickly: I ended up reading it all on one rainy book-reading type of Saturday, not wanting to put it down to deal with any of the pesky necessities of life that arose. Harrison’s writing style is highly descriptive and emotionally gripping. While the story is one that describes lives lived outside of the ordinary, the realism of the relationships between the characters makes the novel seem almost possible. Harrison definitely did not write a book that was just a superficial romance but instead gets deeply involved with the emotions and psychological flaws of his characters. I was impressed with how often Harrison chose words that reflect the impact of our emotions onour bodies such as the “stone of guilt around her neck had become a weight so permanent it left her crippled“ or the “sudden feeling of grief squeezed her, took her breath away” (130, 201).

When I bought this book, I worried that this might be the stereotypical romance novel: the gorgeous woman with the perfect life including the Harvard degree, the amazing career and the dream New York apartment dates the perfect but boring man and wants something more. Yet as I read the first love scene, such as it was, I felt that internal pang that occurs when I read something that feels all too real in relation to what I have experienced in my life. This “perfect” relationship of Leigh Merrill with Joseph Middlebury was anything but. From only a few pages into the novel, Joseph appears to use Leigh for the attention she can give him and the ways in which she can meet his needs. Her desires take a backseat in the relationship. While there was love in the relationship between Leigh and Joseph, there also were a lot of deep and problematic issues as well. When Leigh talks about Joseph to others, she becomes immediately defensive in that way so many of us are prone to do when we know there is truth in what others are saying to us yet we don’t want to see the reality.

Enter Jake Rhodes, a former boyfriend with whom Leigh experienced a tragedy ten years ago in the Hill Country of central Texas. When Leigh returns to the Austin area as a big city editor and keynote speaker for a writer’s conference, she and Jake reconnect out of a need to find closure with regard to their past. Jake is the opposite of Joseph in so many ways: he doesn’t have an amazing career, but he is a romantic and his love for Leigh is unconditional. Harrison slowly unfolds the story of what happened to the two when they were teens, a combination of their love story and their tragic past. As Leigh and Jake reunite after their ten year separation, their love and their passion is still as strong as ever despite the wounds that have hurt them. When a new challenge arises in their lives (aside from the obvious one of Leigh’s serious romantic involvement with Joseph), the two have to decide how to handle both their past and the future.

For having such a great verbal grasp on the fine details that can color a book, some of the situations in the book became clichéd. In trying to set the scene firmly in the Austin area, Harrison mentions bats and bluebonnets far more often than necessary. He also repeatedly sings the praises of Guero’s (Bill Clinton ate there!) though many locals will tell you that it’s overhyped nowadays. In addition, the not-so-trivial detail of birth control and sexually transmitted disease prevention falls by the wayside (just as it does on The Bachelor/ette). While I know many romance novels ignore such practicalities because they feel it takes away from the passion of the moment, in a novel with as many details as this one, the absence felt glaring to me especially as two teenagers seemingly engage repeatedly in unprotected sex with no consequences. Despite these small issues, the book is an overall strong effort that is well worth reading.

At the book signing I attended, Chris Harrison was clear that he wants this book to be made into a film; he asked the audience to start thinking about who should play the leads. I can easily see this novel being turned into a movie filmed in the Texas Hill Country and attracting an audience of men and women alike because of some of the high-paced action it contains along side the romance. I also look forward to Harrison’s future works, and I will definitely be picking them up when they release!

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

In an episode of The Carrie Diaries (1:11), Carrie Bradshaw’s boyfriend Sebastian is dealing with his narcissistic mother who sees him as her emotional dumping ground. She is the type of woman who attracts drama and then uses the emotional fallout to gain attention from others including Sebastian. After having recently dealt with one of his mother’s crises, Sebastian profoundly states, “No one wants to have to get involved in their parents’ personal lives. We want them to be parents, not people.”

As the daughter of a narcissistic mother, I agree with this statement. When I was growing up, my mother was basically friendless. I don’t ever remember her going out with the girls. At one point, she joined a non-denominational Bible study group with neighbor women, but aside from that, I don’t remember her having friends. As I became a teen, my mother eventually became closer to her youngest sister who was 11 years her junior and in a dysfunctional marriage just as my mother was. However, having that one sister to bond with didn’t really fill the needs my mother had for attention from friends. Instead, she used me as her emotional outlet. When she felt the need to talk to someone, occasionally about topics that really belonged in a therapy session with a professional, she instead made me the one who had to listen to her issues.

Sebastian is correct in saying that we want our parents to be parents, not people. We want our parents to take care of us when we are young. We don’t want to have to take care of them, especially as young children or teens. That includes not wanting to be our parents’ confidantes. It’s just not appropriate or healthy for parents to use their young children as friends or therapists. Our children need to be children, not our support systems.

So does that mean we should not let our children know how we are feeling? Absolutely not. Children do need to know that their parents have emotions and feelings. Parents are not stoic statues who can handle anything without it affecting them. Children need to know that all people, including parents, have feelings, and that it is ok to experience emotion. The fine line that parents need to be careful not to cross is making sure that they don’t share inappropriate information. It’s ok for children to know parents are upset about a break up; children don’t need to know the explicit details of the sexual affair that led to the end of the relationship. This is especially true in cases of divorce. It is very difficult and damaging for children to hear their parents speak negatively of their other parents, no matter how true the statements are.

The opposite extreme of this narcissistic point of view where a parent tells a child too much is in the parent who tells a child nothing. This is almost if not equally as dysfunctional. Children are people, albeit less mature ones. They are able to sense when something is amiss in their home. They can tell when parents are upset or happy or under stress. Many children, not understanding the reasons for their parents’ emotional states, will blame themselves for the negative vibes they pick up. This is easily prevented by simply telling children the simple truth such as “I had a bad day at work.” The children don’t need all of the gory details of the parent’s day, but they do deserve a basic understanding of why their parents are acting and feeling as they do.

The fine line for parents between telling their kids too much or too little is a difficult one to navigate. Despite children possibly wanting them to be “parents, not people,” parents are people, too. Parents experience emotions and stress. However, children are not therapists, and parents need to remember to maintain appropriate boundaries when talking with their children.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

When one struggles with major health issues, especially ones that have been as life changing as the ones I have faced courtesy of late disseminated Lyme disease, one learns to find the bitter blessings in places that one never would have previously found them. When faced with struggles and challenges, the silver lining almost always seems to be present if you can set your mind to find it. It’s that ability to see the “little” things that can make it possible to accomplish what seem like insurmountable difficulties on a daily basis. Those challenges include simple outings that most wouldn’t see as a big deal at all.

Earlier this week, my Bachelor/ette watching buddy in New York and I were alerted to a book signing with Chris Harrison, the host and one of the producers of the show, from our favorite blog on the show. The Barnes and Noble bookstore in Austin at which it was being held is only ten minutes from my house. As we messaged back and forth, my friend helped me get the enthusiasm to face the possibly insurmountable challenge of attending Wednesday night. Quite honestly, if the treatment I am undergoing right now hadn’t hit a breakthrough point on Monday, I couldn’t have gone; last week it would have been impossible. Next week it might be impossible again, but on Wednesday at around 5 pm, I realized my health was actually going to allow me to do this.

However, I’ve had false starts with many events in the past. I don’t get my hopes up until I am actually engaged in the event. I know all too well that it could all fall apart before I get there due to health-based logistical complications. Furthermore, I haven’t attended an indoor event with a large crowd of random people in a chemically saturated environment since 2004. That’s 11 years. The last time I walked in a bookstore was also probably in 2004. While I’ve been able to do much more over the past two years than I previously could, especially than in the six years that I was homebound and the two that I was almost bedbound, I still had no idea if my body was going to be able to handle it. I was worried about parking (because anyone who lives in north Austin can tell you that the parking lot at the Arboretum is weird and often overcrowded). I was concerned about too large of a fragrant crowd wearing perfumes that my body can’t tolerate, and I worried about the store itself being more than my chemical sensitivities could handle. As a result, I took my grocery list with me since Whole Foods is only a few blocks away. Then, if I had to leave without attending the book signing, I would not feel like the effort of getting dressed and heading out was a complete loss. I’ve learned from past events that this is one of the things I need to do to find a silver lining when an event falls through for me.

When I arrived at the parking lot, all of the five or six disabled spots were taken, but someone walked up to his car in one of them as I pulled up. I offered gratitude to whatever higher powers gave me the closest possible parking spot and headed in hoping that was a sign of good things to come. It was. I was able to tell from the parking lot and the noise level when I walked in the store that the crowd was not huge; at that point it was probably only 50 people though by the end of the night it was likely closer to 125. Feeling confident, I bought a copy of The Perfect Letter, and then headed to the second floor area where the signing was taking place. Here I met the first challenge of the evening: The escalators to the second floor were either broken or turned off. So I was left with a choice: Either walk to the far end of the store where the elevator is and then traverse back to the gathering area, or climb the escalators manually. Which was least taxing on my body? Since my knees weren’t in bad shape last night, I opted for climbing the escalator which my body handled.

Upon reaching the second floor balcony area, I faced the next major challenge: There were no more available chairs. It was already standing room only with about ten people mulling around. Given the pain and issues in my lower half of my body right now, standing right now for more than about five minutes is a physical impossibility for me. I approached an employee, let her know that I am disabled, and verified that it was ok to just sit on the floor. I’ve been at other events at other locations in the distant past where employees get very snippity about fire marshall rules and not sitting: SRO means literally standing. However, this employee didn’t seem to care, so I sat next to a bookcase where I could get partial back support. In retrospect, I wish I’d brought my backjack, but it’s a lesson learned for similar future events I might attend. At past points in my life, I would have been very self-conscious about the fact that I was the only person sitting on the floor, but after so many years of bodily limitation, I’ve learned to do what I need for my body and ignore any judgment, verbal or nonverbal, that comes my way.

After Chris Harrison spoke for an hour, the area was rearranged for the actual book signing which was done in order of wristband grouping. I was somewhere in the middle of the crowd, but there was no way I could stand in the line to wait. I approached the employee who was the gatekeeper for things, let her know my situation, and asked if I could go sit in a chair until it was my turn. She was quite friendly and willing to accommodate; I know she’d seen me sitting on the floor through the earlier part of the event. When my group got to the front of the line, I let her know that I was willing to wait until the end of that group if she would just call me up when it was my turn. Most mercifully, she immediately plopped me at the front of the line at that point since I’m guessing my face was starting to show my pain and fatigue levels at that point. I got my photo (above) and my book signed and headed out, walking back down the escalators.

The recovery process began when I got to my car as I had to just sit there for a few minutes and let my body decompress from the work it had just done for me. Once I got home, I began doing the things I have to do to support my liver in detoxification to ensure that I wouldn’t get a migraine or a fibromyalgia flare from the event.  By the time I headed to bed two hours later, my body was very cranky about what I had put it through, though after an hour of in ice pack on the worst pain, I was able to fall asleep. The next morning my body was very sore, but I can’t tell how much of the pain I have was from the event and how much was from the therapeutic treatments I had on Wednesday morning.

So after all that, was it worth it? Absolutely. I picked a great speaker for my return to book events. It’s not always the case that someone who is a good author or a great tv star makes an equally entertaining public speaker, but in this case, Chris Harrison is just as successful in front of a crowd as he is in front of the camera. I never know how much other people perceive of what I pick up on, but to me, it seemed as though Harrison was actually a bit nervous for the first few minutes as he began talking. By the time he switched to the question and answer part of the evening, Harrison was totally in his element. The fabulous sense of humor that we see glimpses of on The Bachelor/ette came through loud and clear as he talked extemporaneously on whatever topics the crowd quizzed him on. Harrison also maintains a grounded sense about him despite the circles he travels in. When he discusses people such as Matthew McConaughey or Nicholas Sparks, he isn’t dropping names or showing off. He’s just talking about the guys he’s spent some time with.

The evening was filled with a great deal of laughter, and I felt like I came away from it with a better understanding of the behind the scenes efforts that go into making The Bachelor/ette. I would have loved to engage with Harrison about a few of the issues I have with the show, but given that I was on the floor in the back and that I know my questions aren’t the typical ones, I just chose to enjoy others’ questions instead. I was thoroughly engaged for the entire evening. If I’d had to pay an admission price beyond the optional buying of a book, it would have still been worth it. An evening with Chris Harrison makes for fabulous entertainment!

Part of why I enjoy The Bachelor/ette so much is because of the allure of the travel. The idea of international or even domestic travel is still a fantasy in my life, so watching others enjoy their travels gives me hope for when I am able to travel as well. Even though attending this book signing might seem like a small step toward travel to most, my closest friends recognize what a huge step forward it was for me in the long journey of my recovery. As part of that slow movement forward, I find great pleasure in rediscovering the world around me that I haven’t been able to engage with for so long. I would bet money that I was the only one at the book signing who found incredible awe and pleasure in the setting. Seeing so many books on the shelves was a truly amazing sight for me, almost as though I had never walked in a bookstore before. I am so grateful for this illness-induced perspective on life that lets me find the wonder in things that most people wouldn’t think twice about. This awe for our society and the world around us is one of the things I hope that I carry away from living with chronic illness and keep with me for the rest of my life.

UPDATE 5/28/15: I sent this post to the manager at this location of Barnes and Noble who was in charge of the event. He responded quickly and politely, apologizing for the first bookseller who did not follow the proper procedure for helping the disabled; he will be addressing the issue with her so that she is fully informed for future events. He let me know that there are always additional seats held back for situations like mine so that I should not have needed to sit on the floor. He also explained that the store has wheelchairs available for helping to get customers to the second floor area, a courtesy I would not have expected. Finally, he said that the escalators are always turned off for events like this because of noise issues but that they are easily turned on and off at a moment's notice for a situation like mine. I appreciate all of this information so that any future experiences I have at that store will be much more accessible for me.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance

Tonight, ABC will be premiering the 11thseason of The Bachelorette, and yes, I will be watching along with my Bachelorette buddy in New York. However, I’ve still got one more post in me about the last season of The Bachelor with Prince Farming (Chris Soules) that I’d like to put out there. In episode 5, Chris took contestant Carly (who lists mascara and a curling iron up there with God in a list of things she can't live without) with him to see a self-proclaimed love guru named Tziporah for their first one-on-one date. This definitely was an interesting choice for a first date and not an adventure that most would have chosen. However, in contrast to the superficial nature of most of the dates on The Bachelor, I was actually really floored by the beginning of the session which I thought was amazingly deep and productive.

The love guru session was one which forced those participating to open up to each other in deep and meaningful ways. However, as Chris notes in his blog post, “I knew from the moment that I walked in and saw Tziporah that things were about to get weird.” That is because in our culture, anything associated with the metaphysical, many Eastern cultures, or even anything slightly outside the mainstream is immediately and unfortunately branded as “weird.” Our modern American culture has taught us to be closed-minded about anything out of our ordinary reality. A healthier attitude upon entering this situation might have been, “Wow. This looks really different than what I’m used to. I wonder what I can learn from this new experience.” Just as the various dates on The Bachelor/ette which involve jumping off of buildings or scaling high cliffs are seen as challenges to do something intimidating, different, and scary, so too could all new experiences be seen as something challenging to experience. However, the immediate reaction in this case of Chris and many others was to immediately brand this opportunity as “weird.”

The session with Tziporah began innocently enough with deep breathing exercises; these are used to ground and center oneself. It’s a great way to bring one's self into the present moment and to focus on the events at hand. However, even that was too far out of an experience for Chris as he claimed in his blog post about the session that he was ready to “pass out” from just breathing! Then, in the edited portions we saw, the love guru began having Carly and Chris engage in exercises to strengthen their intimacy and their non-verbal communication. As I watched the session play out, I definitely thought it would be a very awkward date to have on national television, but if I guy I already knew and had feelings for were to suggest a date like the beginning of this one, it would actually increase my admiration for him. The goals of this session were to build a deeper relationship that wasn’t just built on physical and sexual chemistry, though those still played a large part of the relationship building. A man seeking to connect on these deeper levels isn’t just looking for a one-night stand in a lot of cases: He wants his romantic relationships to be part of his personal growth.

I did agree with the rest of the nation that the date became very awkward at the end as shown in the third video of the segments linked below (click through the first to get to the second and third). At that point, the love guru transformed into a sex guru, and she was asking the couple to do things that were completely inappropriate for an early date on national television. However, for an already established couple looking to expand their relationship, the things she was suggesting were likely helpful. The context and timing was just completely wrong.

I wish the contestants on the show and the nation at large had been more open to a relationship being developed on physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual/energetic levels. Too often, the relationships on these dating shows are built on superficial sexual chemistry; it’s why they are doomed to failure fairly rapidly after the show ends. That’s not an uncommon reality in the dating world from what I’ve been able to assess, too: Physical appearances are what matter the most. When our society begins to open its collective mind to the idea that relationships need to be built on deep intimacy and spiritual connections, our dating world will change radically, and society will look radically different.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair. ~William Cowper

In episode 9, season 2 of The Carrie Diaries, Carrie and her boyfriend Sebastian briefly enter into a long distance relationship. Carrie’s boss Larissa (who has just declared her love for her engagement ring to be greater than her love for her fiancé) discusses long distance relationships with her:

For better and for worse, my life has included four school years and a summer of a long distance relationship mostly during college with my then boyfriend/fiancé whom I eventually married and divorced. I spent years dealing with the negative comments about long distance relationships from others similar to the conversation quoted above. It was truly discouraging to have to deal with the negativity. I was told over and over again that long distance relationships never work. Some of my ex’s family made it very clear they didn’t want us to continue dating long distance because it was not “appropriate” for people as young as we were. Almost everyone else had a story to warn us about: the cheating, the growing apart, the difficulties in making it work, etc. No one seemed to have anything positive, helpful, or encouraging to say about long distance relationships.

The general population has some good points on this one. Long distance relationships are hard. There’s no question about that. If a couple isn’t meant to be, a long distance relationship where you no longer have physical or sexual interactions occurring regularly will cause relationships that are only built on physical chemistry to implode really quickly. The reality, though, is that the vast majority of those relationships would have ended eventually. The trial of the distance simply speeds up the breakup. My first college roommate was dating her high school boyfriend long distance for the first few weeks of school. She went home to visit one weekend and found condoms in the glovebox in his truck; she was on the pill so they no longer used condoms. That was the end of what was already a very unhealthy relationship that wouldn’t have lasted for long anyway. The physical distance just helped bring about a swifter end.

For me, the reality of the long distance relationship wasn’t what I’d expected. It was hard and painful, but it was doable. Neither of us was tempted to cheat, and our growth really continued along a similar pattern at that point in our lives. We were two bright, intelligent and communicative people. We turned to letter writing and eventually email to fill the distance. Phones existed, though the amount we spent on long distance bills (especially for the two years they were at higher in-state rates) was unbelievable. I often wonder how different things would have been for us in today’s day and age of cell phones with unlimited long distance and texting for $25 a month!

The bigger problem for us with long distance was something that I didn't see then but which actually was a huge red flag that would play out later in our relationship. Hindsight is always much closer to 20/20 than the present moment! The problem was that my ex actually didn’t mind the distance between us. He liked having a girlfriend who only stopped by once a month. He got all of the perks of a romantic relationship but far less responsibility or the feeling of being tied down. The space between us was actually an asset that never bothered him much. For me, however, it was devastating to be apart from him so much. I hated that I was always the third of fifth wheel in the group of friends I hung out with because my boyfriend was in another city or state. In retrospect, I realize that the long distance relationship actually may have kept us together rather than breaking us apart like it did for many others. The freedom my ex got during those long distance years was exactly what he needed even though it was horrid for me. Twenty years later when we ended our marriage, he was actually very excited about having his own place again whereas I was initially not happy about the idea of living alone. For all the horror stories and warnings people felt all too free to give us about long distance relationships, no one warned us that it might help keep us together when we might have been better breaking up!

Long distance relationships are hard. If there was another option, I wouldn’t advise people to choose the long distance except for short time periods or extreme circumstances. However, couples have been engaging long distance relationships for millenia: Military personnel and their spouses are a prime example. The bottom line is that long distance relationships are just not fun. The hot passion of reunions is fabulous, but the price to pay for it is just not enough to compensate for the pains of absence. A long distance relationship will help a couple discover the weaknesses of their relationship at a much faster pace than they would otherwise discover those issues. But when you take into account how many relationships break up over the course of a lifetime, both before and after marriage, a relationship ending during a time of long distance is not that much of a surprise. Long distance relationships just get a bad reputation for the wrong reasons.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

The good ol’ days weren't always good, and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems. ~Billy Joel

A friend recently encouraged me to watch Midnight in Paris, and since she and I often enjoy the same movies, I checked it out from the library without even looking to see what it was about. Unfortunately, this was one instance where the friend and I differed vastly in our movie viewing tastes. Owen Wilson’s acting was horrid, and once I Googled to discover that Woody Allen was the director and writer, I immediately understood why I was hating the movie so much. I avoid Allen’s films like the plague because his style is very much not one I enjoy; I also have issues with his alleged past actions towards his daughter.

I was only able to endure the first 20 minutes or so, but early in Midnight in Paris, one of the characters discusses the idea of some people that they would be more satisfied to live in another time period:

We’ve all seen evidence of golden age thinking in our society. In 1999, a reality tv series called The 1900 House was popular on PBS and was followed by numerous sequels set in different eras in different countries. The basic premise was that a modern family had to live their lives exactly as they would have been lived in 1900. Even before the much-hyped series began, I didn’t see the romance in it. Perhaps it was my studies as a historian that made me all too aware of the realities of living in past eras. However, for a show of this type, The 1900 House made quite the stir in popular culture. Perhaps it was because so many people have a fascination with other eras. More recent popular internet quizzes seek to discover what era one “really should have been born in.” I know many people will obsessive over fashion from a particular previous era, and others will devotedly study the history of a particular period. As someone who believes in reincarnation and has seen many of her past lives in visions, I often wonder how much of this obsession with other eras and places is based on our past lives.

A few years ago when I was looking at a friend’s vacation pictures from Glastonbury, England, a place I’ve never visited in this life, I got hit with a terrible wave of homesickness and the thought, “I want to go home.” It was amazing and powerful. I suspect that one of my many British lives was lived in this area of England, prompting the feelings of homesickness when I viewed the photos. I also tend to like British television series and British humor better than American; one person accused me of a Britophile many years ago, something I can’t deny. I know my most recent past life in England was in the 1920s and 1930s, and I’ve had many issues in this life that I’ve had to work through from that life. Perhaps that is the root of my fascination with elements of English culture.

I’ve also had a great deal of dislike against Germany in this life even though I am genetically at least 30% German; one grandmother was 100% German-American. I have always hated the harsh sounds of the German language. I can’t handle watching movies about World War II, especially ones set in Germany. I’ve never seen Schindler’s List, and I never intend to. Movies of that era strike absolute terror in my heart just looking at their covers. Since exploring my past lives, I’ve discovered that I was a British agent in Germany during World War II and was exposed to many atrocities perpetrated by the Nazi regime. I also died there during the war, and my body was never returned to England. My guess is that those traumas of my past life have motivated my dislike for almost all things German in this life.

Likewise, I’ve realized that my Pinterest fantasy travel boards initially were to locations that I had lived somewhat recent lives: Oregon, Montana, Wyoming, Minnesota, Maine, New York, England, Ireland, Scotland, and France. I’ve never been to any of those places except New York in this life (and then only driving through). It makes me wonder if many people’s obsessive desires to travel to certain places are based on past lives. 

I’ve also noticed an interesting phenomenon with certain people who have a strong desire to be a from a different ethnic group or culture than their own. It’s as though they forget their own origins and become a part of that different culture which they are obsessed with. One man of European descent whom I know wants desperately to be Hispanic; he married a woman of Mexican descent and speaks Spanish as often as possible. Another woman of European descent whom I met was obsessed with all things Far Eastern. India, China, Korea, Japan: It didn’t matter. She only dated men descended from eastern Asia, and she became active in various community relations for immigrants of that area of the world. With no known trigger from this life to cause these people to obsess over another culture to the point that they changed the way they lived their lives, it makes me wonder what their recent past lives were like.

As for me, I am quite happy to be living in our current era. When people indulge in golden age thinking, I am never induced to do the same. I always have a feeling of “been there, done, that, don’t need to do it again.” Perhaps in one of the most interesting and amusing ways in which I feel like the past eras have influenced my current life, though, involved the Y2K phenomenon. Out of fear of what might happen with the computers had to face the date of January 1, 2000, many people began stockpiling basic supplies of food, water, batteries, and generators. I bought my usual food and a few extra things that week. However, what I actually stockpiled was toilet paper. The modern version of toilet paper was only invented in the 19th century, and it was in short supply during World War II. Toilet paper is a luxurious necessity of this era, one which I don’t really ever want to be without. Another friend admitted to stockpiling tampons before Y2K, something that probably didn’t dawn on me since I was pregnant for the second year in a row. Were these present day fears rooted in our past lives? It’s an interesting question to ponder.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

There's something depressing about a young couple helplessly in love. Their state is so perfect, it must be doomed. They project such qualities on their lover that only disappointment can follow. ~Roger Ebert

A few months ago, I watched Jerry Maguire with my older kids. When the movie was first released in 1996 when I was 22 and a relative newlywed, I thought it was funny and romantic. This time around, my perspective was very different. Instead of seeing Jerry and Dorothy as a great couple, I saw them as two very damaged individuals who were making a big mistake in entering a relationship with each other. The movie’s (possibly) most romantic moment, shown below in a video clip, is when Jerry declares his love to Dorothy by telling her, “You complete me.”

Our culture is attached to this very distorted idea that we can complete someone else. Romantic relationships are supposed to help us find our other half, or in joking terms, our better half. We are supposed to find the magical person who helps us become better than we already are. Without them, we are incomplete. Unfortunately, creating this kind of unrealistic expectation lays the groundwork for dysfunctional relationships. We expect our significant others to be miracle workers who will magically improve us while we simultaneously are able to fulfill everything they need to be better people, too. As our astounding relationship grows, it becomes the epitome of perfection. We are the perfect couple because we complete each other.

And yet somehow this amazing relationship often ends up in divorce court. It turns out we don’t actually complete each other. What we often do is that we bring our individual flaws into a relationship where we can continue to grow in combination as each of us play off of the others’ weaknesses and strengths. We manage to pick partners whose family relationships and life experiences will complement our own so that we can continue to learn the lessons we are meant to learn in this life. Eventually, we realize that our dream partners aren’t whom we thought they were. They are not the ones to complete us.

So how do we find the person who actually completes us? We look inside. The only person who can make us whole is our own selves. We are the ones who can love ourselves. We can grow. We can change. We can become whomever we want to be (within realistic expectations, of course. There’s no chance of me becoming an NBA player any time soon). Rather than looking for someone else to fix us, it is up to each of us to do our own work. That work can and often does involve our romantic partners. We can grow and learn with each other. However, it’s when we expect our partners to fill in the holes within us that we enter the world of dysfunction. If we can’t be something we want to be, we can’t expect someone else to be it for us. Some people even shove this unhealthy expectation onto their children when their partners fail to complete their unrealistic dreams.

If I had to make a guess on Dorothy and Jerry’s romance, I’d say that they are likely to be in marriage therapy within a few years and divorced soon after. They both are individuals bringing in mountains of baggage and expecting that the other will somehow make all those issues suddenly disappear in their “completeness” as a couple. In reality, they are setting themselves up for heartbreak: When the novelty of the relationship wears off, they will instead find themselves even more broken and incomplete than before.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

God hath given you one face, and you make yourselves another. ~Hamlet in Hamlet by William Shakespeare

Old age is the verdict of life. ~Amelia Barr

A recent ad on Pinterest reads, “Fast fix for gray hair.” This simple statement implies that gray hair is broken or wrong in some way and needs to be fixed, yet gray hair is natural. In men, it’s often a sign of distinguishment and age, but for women, it’s a problem to be fixed. Why does our society promote this double standard between the sexes? I certainly don’t have the answer, but I know the societal problem is real and extremely widespread.

I got my first gray hair when I was pregnant with my youngest at age 28. I was standing in the master bathroom when I spied it in the mirror. My then-husband walked in the room, and I asked him, “Is that a gray hair?” He looked carefully, and then walked back out of the bathroom without saying a word. That gave me my answer! I talked about it with my midwife and her intern at my next visit. They confirmed for me that yes, it was a gray hair. The midwife asked me when my mother got her first gray hair. I had no idea. I told her that my mother dyed her hair with the awful-smelling toxic ammonia-based hair colors for as long as I could remember. My midwife pointed out that that was my answer as to when she first started going gray.

Twelve years later, I have a lot more than just one gray hair. My photos don’t often show the gray as it still blends well, but in person, there’s no missing it. My chemical sensitivities prevent me from dyeing my hair because even the natural dyes often contain less than tolerable ingredients for the chemical sensitive. I’m sure I’d look ridiculous with henna, too. But the bottom line isn’t that I can’t dye my hair: It’s that I don’t want to. My gray hairs are part of whom I am. They’re a mark of age. They show that I’m human. I’ve earned every one of those gray hairs, and I don’t want to get rid of them even if I could dump chemicals on my head.

Society isn’t as kind about gray hairs. I only have a few friends who don’t think that dyeing their hair is mandatory. They don’t want to look older than they are. These normally green living women aren't willing to face the way they look. They bow to society’s pressure to try to look younger than they really are. In the dating market especially, looking older is not considered a benefit for a middle-aged woman. Even though some of these friends are financially strapped, they still find the money for touch ups every three weeks along with regular coloring sessions. It’s not something they consider optional or a luxury.

I think a lot of the fear behind gray hairs eventually trickles down to a fear of dying. The older we get, we get closer to death at least according to a statistical perspective. For me, worrying about death seems kind of pointless. It’s going to happen whether we want it to or not. Rather than worrying about dying, I’d rather focus on living. Now that I’m almost 41, living with gray hairs doesn’t seem like a bad thing. Instead, it seems to be a privilege, a symbol of survival. One of my most recent past lives ended at the age of 23 or so, though I managed to pack a lot of living into those years. However, given the option, a few gray hairs don’t seem like that high of a price for a longer life!

When our society as a whole stops seeing gray hairs as something to be fixed, a lot will change. We will begin accepting ourselves and each other for who we actually are. Superficial things like hair color will no longer matter as we pick mates or apply for jobs. I'm not sure which will be the cause and which will be the effect in terms of gray hairs being seen normal and greater acceptance at large, but I look forward to a day when our culture has evolved enough to accept people exactly as they are, beautiful in their own ways.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

Back sometime between 1995 and 1998, I was a subscriber to Austin’s only daily newspaper which I read thoroughly (except for the business, sports, and classified sections). One year on Mother’s Day, there was a huge article with several large photos in the lifestyle section. The piece described a woman whose three children had been murdered by their father, her ex-husband. I was horrified. I didn’t understand how the paper thought that was an appropriate article to run on a day like Mother’s Day. In hindsight, I understand all too well.

Despite the greeting card and flower vendors’ cheerful endorsements of Mother’s Day which falls on the second Sunday of May each year in the U.S., not everyone finds the day to be one of celebration. For many people, Mother’s Day is filled with painful memories and/or current stress. The reality is that not everyone loves their mothers. Many have endured abusive relationships with our mothers, and thanking them for the “care” they provided for their children seems hypocritical at best. Some people are estranged from their mothers: Sometimes gratefully and sometimes with a lot of pain still attached to the separation. Our society provides a lot of support around divorcing a spouse, but there’s almost nothing there for those who decide to “divorce” a parent.

Other people were blessed enough to have wonderful mothers in this life, but those mothers have died. For those whose mothers aren’t here to celebrate because of death, the day can be horribly painful for surviving children, especially in the first years after their mothers’ deaths. While it will not eliminate the pain of the loss, sometimes doing something to celebrate the deceased woman can greatly help ease the discomfort of this holiday. Making your mother’s favorite meal, going to her favorite park, making a donation to her favorite charity… all of these are great ways to remember a mother. In my belief system, our deceased relatives are aware of us and our prayers, so I believe if you send thoughts to your late mother, she will hear them. It’s never too late to tell someone you love them, even if you aren’t able to hear them say it back.

If you are feeling particularly giving, know that there are always people in nursing homes who are terribly lonely on holidays. Either their children live far away, they have no descendants, or they’ve been abandoned by family. Regardless of the reasons why, these people can always use company, but especially on holidays when others have visitors and they do not. Most nursing homes will be happy to pair you with someone who would love to have you show up with a flower in hand and a willingness to talk for a while. (Please note that food gifts are not always the best with the elderly due to health-restricted diets.) If you don’t have a mother of your own to visit, know that there are many other women who could symbolically stand in her place.

For others, Mother’s Day is painful because they have had miscarriages or have lost a child (or even multiple children) to death. This is especially true when the child who has died was the firstborn but no subsequent siblings have been born. The women in these situations know in their hearts that they are mothers, but they don’t have children here to celebrate with them. Our society is less certain about whether these women are mothers, and people often don’t know how to handle the bereaved mothers. As is our society’s dysfunctional tendency, the usual result is that bereaved mothers are ignored on Mother’s Day (not to mention the other days of the year).

For many women, Mother’s Day is a dagger in their heart because they are suffering from infertility. They desperately want to be mothers, but they are not able to for whatever reasons. To see motherhood glorified all around them can make the women enduring infertility feel even more hurt than they already are by the traumas of infertility.

For biological mothers who have put their children up for adoption, Mother’s Day can also create a great deal of pain. While the choice to let another woman become a mother when one is not able to raise a child oneself is an amazing gift, the child that the biological mother gave up will always be in her heart. For some women, Mother’s Day may be a day of “what ifs” and mourning because they are not with their biological child even if they know they’ve made the best decision. For others, it may be a day of regret for making the choice they did.

Thirteen years ago when my twins were still toddlers, I attended Mass at a friend’s Catholic church on Mother’s Day. In what I’m sure the planners thought was a beautiful ceremony, all of the mothers were encouraged to come forward and receive a carnation at the end of the service. I was horrified. I knew that at least one of the women in the congregation had to want to be up in the front but she wasn’t able to be for some reason. While it’s one thing to pray a special blessing over those in the congregation who’ve given life to others, it’s another thing to bring them to the front so that all the non-mothers stood out like sore thumbs among the sea of men. In a probably unnoticed act of solidarity, I refused to go forward even though I had a toddler in my arms.

For me personally, Mother’s Day used to be a painful day. I am estranged from my narcissistic mother by choice. I haven’t seen her in 22+ years. I don’t miss that particular woman at all, but part of me will always miss the fantasy of the healthy loving mother whom I never had. For many years, I used Mother's Day as a time to pay tribute to the women who were mentors for me and who provided me with healthier role models of what women should be like; they played a role in mothering me in when my own mother could not. I also had many years where Mother’s Day was a painful reminder to me that I had lost a child. I now choose to focus on the beauty of the children who are with me, though it took many years for me to get there. I’m grateful that I can now find joy in the celebration of being a mother, but on Mother’s Day, my thoughts and prayers are always with those for whom it’s a day of pain.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

Many popular memes and quotes assert ideas about the amazing, boundless love of mothers for their children. A sampling from the internet turns up:

• “The love of a mother and her child is like none other.” ~Vicki Reece 
  
• “A daughter is just a little girl who grows up to be your best friend.”
• “The memories that a mother leaves are cherished forever.” 
  
• “No matter how old you get, a mother’s love is still a real comfort.” ~Stephanie Linus
  
• “A mother’s love is the heart of a family.”
  
• “A mother’s love is instinctual, unconditional, and forever.” ~Revathi Sankaran
  
• “A mother is your first friend, your best friend, your forever friend.”
  
• “A mother’s love is endless.”
  
• “The love between a mother and daughter is forever.”
  
• “Being a mother doesn't mean being related to some
• one by blood. It means loving someone unconditionally and with your whole heart.”
  
• “A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. It dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.” ~Agatha Christie
  
• “The love of a mother for her child is undeniably the strongest emotion in the soul.”  ~Sandy Richards
  
• “Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible.” ~Marion C. Garretty 
  
• “A mother’s love is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking. It never fails or falters even though the heart is breaking.” ~Helen Steiner Rice

These sayings are true… except when they’re not. Unfortunately, for the children of narcissistic mothers, they’re often just myths, and reading quotes like these may just amplify a pain in their hearts for the loss they've experienced in life. They've never had the experience of having a truly loving and giving mother.

No mother is perfect: They’re all human. All mothers make mistakes. However, the issues that exist between narcissistic mothers and children, though, aren't simply matters of misunderstanding or parent-child conflict. They run far deeper. This is because people with narcissistic personality disorder are unable to love others in an unconditional way. Instead, their love is self-oriented: Narcissists see other people, including their children, as existing to meet their own needs. The narcissists simply don’t have the emotional ability to love others as they need and deserve to be loved.

The Dalai Lama has written, “Love is the absence of judgment.” For the children of narcissists, they may never have experienced true love. Instead, they’ve felt a painful and conditional set of demands from mothers who disrespect the children’s needs. As these children grow, their own relationships with their spouses will often suffer unless a great deal of personal growth and therapy is involved. Because the children have been involved in toxic parental relationships all their lives, they may not recognize what a healthy love looks like, and instead, they will marry or partner with others who will continue the judgmental pattern of “love” that began with narcissistic mothers in childhood.

As Mother’s Day approaches, the plethora of praise of mothers will be abundant in the social media world, and those words may add more pain to already deep wounds. For those who are seeking to heal their own wounds, I highly recommend the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. This work examines the toxic legacy of which narcissistic mothers create in their daughters. A great deal of the book is oriented towards those who are still in toxic relationships with their mothers or who want to maintain relationships with their mothers despite the emotional abuse they perpetrate. Only a small portion of the book acknowledges the option of ending a relationship with a narcissistic maternal abuser (as I personally chose to do). However, reading this book was an eye-opening experience for me, helping me realize that I wasn’t alone in the world of narcissistic abuse and how it influenced my life, my career, and my former marriage. I’ve since recommended the book to many other women who have narcissistic mothers, and most of them had the same response: “It’s not just me!”

This Mother’s Day, if you aren’t experiencing the love that our Judeo-Christian society dictates is necessary for children to feel for parents, remember that love is a two way street. In relationships with narcissistic abusers, you are under no obligation to praise those who may have hurt you. Finding peace with those abusers and with yourself for what you’ve experienced in life can go a long way towards a happier life. You never have to condone what the narcissists have done to you, but understanding how and why they treat(ed) you the way they do/did can make it easier to respond to them from a place of compassion. In turn, this will help you find a place of peace rather than living in a state of pain, fear or anger.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

My kids and I completed watching Star Trek: The Next Generation plus its ensuing movies a while back, and now we have moved on to Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. I've never been able to get into DS9 the way I enjoyed other modern Star Trek series, but my one son loves it so we’re watching the series via Netflix. In episode 10 of season 2, a new humanoid species arrives as refugees at the space station. The Skrreea are a matriarchal society, something that comes across as shocking to the station’s crew. Haneek, the only woman who arrives in the first group of four to the station, talks with the leadership of DS9 about her culture as they discuss the impending arrival three million more Skrreea from the Delta Quadrant:

Clearly this is meant to be a parody of the biased and erroneous statement we often hear in our society that women suffer from too many hormonal mood changes that therefore make them unsuitable for powers of leadership including politics. There’s a terrible age old joke about how a pre-menstrual President would be far too likely to hit the big red button and start a nuclear war. In Skrreean society, men's emotions are seen as troublesome just as women's emotions are seen as almost dangerous in ours.

The real truth is that we are all emotional creatures regardless of our sex or gender. We all feel and we all act on those feelings. While higher levels of testosterone may make some people more aggressive and higher levels of progesterone may make some people more likely to cry, the bottom line is that we all have emotions that we feel overwhelmed by. How we act on those emotions is probably influenced by both nature (hormones) and nurture (what our society teaches us the gender-specific appropriate response is).

Another truth that our society is very afraid of at times is that all of us possess a masculine side and all of us contain a feminine side. We all have traits that are seen as male and others that are seen as female. What most of us don’t have is a good balance of those traits because we are afraid to embrace one side or the other. In her seminal work Living in the Light, especially in chapters 8 and 9, Shakti Gawain discusses the feminine and masculine within each of us. As Gawain explains, the feminine side of us is the nurturing, intuitive side. We all are nurturing on some level, though not all of us are called to be parents. Still, we know how to care for others around us who are family members, friends, or lovers. We also have intuition, though since the Enlightenment, our science-dominated society has taught many of us to suppress this intuition in favor of rational thought. Unfortunately, our society sees this nurturing and intuitive side as weak and powerless. This is far from the truth. Our intuition can be one of the strongest ways we live if we allow it to be a part of our lives. Men who are in touch with their feminine side, who aren't afraid to follow their intuition or feel their emotions (aside from anger and aggression), are often judge by our society for being weak and feeble as the feminine is poorly stereotyped as such; the media crucifying Howard Dean in the 2004 election season for expressing what was seen as unacceptable passion is an excellent example. In contrast, the masculine side within all of us is the action side. It is the part of us that follows the understanding of the feminine intuition in order to make things happen. Men are expected to be doers, to be problems solvers. Women who have this same strong masculine action side are judged by society as being too “butch” or too unfeminine; Hillary Rodham Clinton is a prime example. However, we all have to be people who take action if we want to accomplish anything in life!

This disturbing division of the feminine and the masculine in our society is based on unhealthy stereotypes. Even in my own life, I've experienced quite a bit of judgment because I am “too masculine” since I am a strong, highly-organized, educated woman who doesn't hesitate to act on what will help her life. I had a male friend act surprised when I said that I missed having opportunities to dress up in frilly dresses; he erroneously presumed that since I didn’t wear makeup I didn’t enjoy most stereotypically feminine things. For me, developing my masculine side was probably more of a survival technique, one that I began in my childhood as a way to protect myself. Like Gawain experienced personally, part of my challenge as an adult has been embracing my feminine side and recognizing that it is not a sign of weakness: The feminine is merely a different type of strength.

It will be a wonderful day when our society can accept the masculine and feminine as different but synchronistic qualities which work together to make our society complete. I look forward to the day when the way women are still treated now is seen as ludicrous as the Skrreean idea that men are too emotional to be involved in leadership. Once the yin and the yang of our lives is more in balance, our society will become totally different than what most of us experience now.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

Remember the “good ol' days?” Yeah. Me neither. Humans as a whole, though, have a bad habit of believing that things were always better in their younger years. It amused me greatly when I was doing dissertation research on 19th century America to read authors bemoan the reckless next generation who were going to destroy everything that was decent about humanity. Almost every generation fears the changes the next brings as they fade out of power; this pattern repeats itself often.

Quite often in popular culture (such as on a local radio show last week), I’ll hear someone talking about, “Well, when I was young, we did [insert specific potentially dangerous action]. It was fine then, so it’s fine for my kids, too.” However, that’s really poor logic. While many of us may have survived the stupid things we did in our youth, other children did not. They’re not here to tell their sides of the story, and they didn't live long enough to have to children to stop them from doing the same thing.

While watching Move Over, Darling (1963, starring Doris Day, James Garner, and Polly Bergen with minor roles by Don Knotts and John Astin) recently on Netflix, I was confronted with one of those situations. As the early scenes of the movie unfold, the young daughters of the lead characters are playing in a pool unsupervised. These girls are between 5.5 and 6 years old based on the timing of them being teething infants when their mother was lost at sea five years prior. In the movie, no one blinks twice about the fact that these girls are playing unattended in a private swimming pool in the back yard, but the modern mother in me had an “aack!” moment over it. 

Clearly social values fifty years ago didn’t see unattended young children in a pool as problematic, and I’m sure it’s one of those things that people said to themselves, “When I was young, we did it without a problem.” However, that’s not true for many others. The American Academy of Pediatrics states that “drowning rates have fallen steadily from 2.68 per 100,000 in 1985 to 1.32 per 100,000 in 2006. But drowning continues to be the second leading cause of death for children ages 1 to 19, claiming the lives of roughly 1,100 children in 2006. Toddlers and teenaged boys are at greatest risk.” The AAP warns against leaving young children unattended by a pool that doesn’t have a sufficient fence around it. While these young girls clearly knew how to swim well, they weren't old enough to be trusted to make good life (or death) decisions at all times.

Examples like this of formerly “safe” practices aren't hard to find. I tried to watch Mad Men recently and utterly failed, giving up after only a few episodes because I was both so bored with and disturbed by the show.  However, in one of the early episodes, two mothers are talking in the kitchen while their kids play elsewhere in the house. The female owner of the house calls for her daughter who shows up with a dry cleaning bag on her head. I’m sure I was not the only who cringed (as the writers wanted us to) when I saw that. However, the mother says nothing to the daughter about suffocation risks and instead warns her that she better not have put the clean dry cleaning on the floor to play with the bag. The obvious parenting priorities: unwrinkled clothing over a child not suffocating! 

In a recent article for The New Yorker, author Tad Friend meets with Matthew Weiner, the creator of Mad Men. Weiner asked Friend what he thought Mad Men was about, to which Friend replied, “Bad parenting.” Weiner replied, “’No. No. That certainly wasn't the focus…. Look, there is definitely some bad parenting in the show, but there’s no drama in good parenting. And plenty of the bad-parenting moments didn’t come from me.’” Yet when I watched the few episodes of the show that I could handle, if you asked me the top five things I thought the show was about, it would have been the huge changes in parenting for the better since the 1960s.

Even in my own lifetime as a child of the 1970s and 1980s, bicycle helmets and seatbelts are two very common changes that have occurred. I never wore a bicycle helmet as a young child; no one I knew did. Seatbelts were something that kids of my generation wore sometimes, maybe. It wasn’t a steadfast rule. I often sat in the front seat as a young child and just put the shoulder strap behind me. My ex-husband’s family didn't even own a car that would safely hold four children: They just shoved the two youngest into the wells on the floor in the backseat. And while one could argue that both my ex-husband and I made it to adulthood, there were many others of our generation who didn't.

The next time you find yourself having a defensive reaction where you say, “Well, when I was young, we did it that way and things turned out fine,” take a moment to decide why you are responding in that way. Was what you did truly safe? How many other children didn’t make it to adulthood because of that practice? Will not engaging in that action make the lives of the next generation less worthwhile? The answers may surprise you when you stop to think about the bigger picture rather than trying to recreate a potentially dangerous part of your childhood for your children.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

One of my grandmothers died when I was 17, just days before I left for college. Her funeral was a powerful event in my life, an ending to one part of my life as I moved into a different one. The gathering after the graveside services was held at my mother’s home where I had previously lived. The guests trickled in after a 45 minute drive from the cemetery, and almost all of them brought alcohol with them. One set of in-laws brought a full shoe box of liquor bottles. My grandmother had been married to an Irishman for 30 years, and anyone with strong Irish genes will testify to the abundance of alcohol at most traditional Irish and Irish-American wakes. Yet as I watched all of this alcohol being brought in, my teenage self was able to see a clear irony: My grandmother had been an alcoholic as was her late husband. He died from his drinking; she recovered. She was sober for the entirety of my memory, but that does not erase all the years in which she drank. Even at that young age, it seemed horribly inappropriate to me to commemorate the life of an alcoholic with an abundance of alcohol.

Likewise, every time Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab” comes on the radio, I cringe and turn the station. Just those first lyrics of “They tried to make me go to rehab but I said, ‘No, no, no‘” make me shudder. I don’t understand why radio stations feel it’s appropriate to play a song about an individual refusing to go to rehab when the singer herself died at age 27 from alcohol poisoning likely due to an unintentional overdose. While I’ve never liked the original song or this remake, I do understand it was popular in the general culture. However, it seems to be the song of hers that is most played on the radio almost four years after her death; I only rarely hear “You know I’m No Good” and “Back to Black.” Somehow I doubt that the song is being played as reminder to listeners of the consequences of overdrinking. I often wonder, though, if I’m the only one who sees the irony in "Rehab" being the primary song of hers that is still played.

Our society’s relationship to alcohol is a strange one indeed. We know it’s a problem, and yet we refuse to see the problem right when it’s in front of us. We continue to celebrate a singer who died from an alcohol overdose by frequently playing a song about refusing therapeutic treatment for alcohol addiction. While drunk driving rates have been cut in half in the past 35 years, almost half of all driving fatalities still involve alcohol. I know of too many adults who, despite being educated about the dangers of drunk driving, continue to drive under the influence. I hope that our society will someday start to understand the discordance between our words and our actions around alcohol use and abuse. By ignoring alcohol-related problems, we compound the issues rather than helping solve them.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

(As always, I am not a medical doctor. This information is based on my personal experiences and should not be substituted for medical diagnosis or treatment. Please speak to your health care providers about your personal situation.)

Health issues go through popular fads just like foods do. The latest food cure-all at one point was açai; goji berries got prime billing for some time, too. Kale and chia have been the health food darlings for a while now, so it’s about time for a new “miracle” food to be marketed. With regards to healing trends, vitamin D deficiency was all the rage for several years. It truly exists, and solving it helps many people. However, just because it gives some people relief doesn't necessarily mean it is the root of the problem. It’s often just a symptom of other larger issue.  

The most recent health “fad” that I've seen in this regard is the MTHFR genetic defect.  There are actually multiple genes that relate to this detoxification process, and I have two of the most common defects involved. I can’t tell you how many people have approached me absolutely certain that they've discovered the root cause of my health issues and how I would be miraculously better just by switching my B vitamins.  This is not news to me, and no, it was not a miracle cure.  It actually didn't make any impact at all upon my health in the grand perspective of things.

Any good holistic professional will already be aware of MTHFR defects, and most will be able to recommend B vitamins that are in the correct form for those who have MTHFR defects. In my case, we actually didn't do the genetic testing until about a year ago; we just correctly presumed based on my symptoms that I had the defects and treated me appropriately. The only reason we ran the tests when we did was because they were included in another genetic profile that my pain specialist wanted to run.

While many people believe that MTHFR defects are the cause of health problems, I believe they are often a symptom of a larger issue. I suspect (but cannot prove) that this is an epigenetic situation: Until an insult to the body occurs, the methylation problems don’t manifest for many individuals. In my case, it was Lyme disease that activated the problematic genes and left me with major detoxification issues.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

 (As always, I am not a medical doctor. This information is based on my personal experiences and should not be substituted for medical diagnosis or treatment.  Please speak to your health care providers about your personal situation.)

A few nights ago, a friend messaged me saying she had hives that she couldn't pinpoint the cause of. I have already done a full healing message for this friend, and once I have established a connection with a person’s spirit guides, it’s usually pretty quick and easy for me to answer shorter questions like, “What’s the source of these hives?” The process is more like a conversation with the other side than when I am doing an initial healing message; there’s a lot of back and forth with me asking questions and them providing answers.

As the friend and I messaged while I simultaneously talked to the other side, we were able to pinpoint an emotional stress that was triggering the response; it tied into some deep emotional issues that she now knows she needs to work through. I also was able to give her some book references to help her explore those issues further. Along the way, I began seeing my deceased grandmother’s hive triggers which weren't the same as this friend’s triggers. However, the process of helping my friend helped me gain some additional insight into why my grandmother would sometimes get hives. For my grandmother’s situation, there was always a physical trigger (new dish soap, working in the yard, etc.) but this message also helped me understand some of her emotional issues that may have been part of why the hives manifested.

Synchronicity being what it is, later that evening I was watching Hart of Dixie (season 2, episode 16) on Netflix wherein one of the characters was having hives for a very similar reason! It’s always nice to get wild and random confirmation from the Universe.

As we concluded our messaging, the friend wrote, “I knew you would help. Nothing was making sense so....” That made me laugh because it’s so true. When things don’t make sense, I can often figure out the reason behind what’s going on. That’s one of my superpowers. I’m grateful for that gift because it’s what helped me heal when my health care providers were out of ideas.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

Most therapists and many life coaches choose to present themselves as neutral. They do not indicate political preferences or social views. This is generally seen as the most professional thing to do so that they can appear as neutral as possible and assist as many clients as possible. From a business point of view, it makes sense: In order to attract the most clients, one does not want to present any potentially offending characteristics.

However, those human preferences and beliefs that we all have do impact therapists and life coaches. No matter how neutral they attempt to be, their advice will still be framed from their own education and belief systems. When I was choosing a personal therapist and a marriage therapist in the past, I was seeking therapists who were more open-minded than average. To that end, I looked for those who included “LGBTQ issues” as one of their specialties. I looked for therapists who did not advertise prayer based healing but did give imaginary bonus points those who utilized Buddhist thought in their work.

As a life coach, I am not constrained by many of the professional obligations that therapists are limited by. I still hold myself to high moral standards, and for me, that includes being honest enough to live with myself. I don’t use my business blog or business Facebook page to push my political views, but I do post about social perspectives that are part of the healing work I do. Because I am an open LGBTQQI ally, that means I will repel many of those who work from a position of hate. However, I would much rather work with those who do not intentionally discriminate rather than work with those who hate other people for their fundamental qualities. The work I do requires people to open themselves up to ideas that may be foreign to them; those who are already somewhat open-minded are going to be more likely to be able to successfully work with me.

It’s not a hard choice to me to decide how I want to present myself. I want to help those who are approaching life from a place of love, not fear. So for me, being honest about what I believe furthers my career and my personal growth as well as helping others who might not feel welcome in many places in our society. To me, it’s the loving thing to do.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

(spoiler alert and trigger alert regarding the death of a child)

My kids and I continue to work our way through Star Trek: The Next Generation. We’re now watching season 7. In episode 7, Counselor Deanna Troi’s mother Lwaxana Troi is aboard the Enterprise as a diplomat assisting with communications with a telepathic race. In the process of working with this new species, Lwaxana begins to have debilitating fatigue and headaches. The medical doctors and others on the crew suspect that her overuse of her telepathic abilities with this new species has drained her. Eventually, Lwaxana collapses and enters what we would describe as a coma.

However, the truth about Lwaxana’s collapse was far more dastardly than just exhaustion. One of the members of the telepathic species, Maques, believes that there is a part of Lwaxana’s mind that she has shut down. As Deanna and Commander Will Riker investigate the past to see what Lwaxana might be repressing, they find a great number of missing years in Lwaxana’s journals, supporting Maques’ theory that there is something major that Lwaxana is hiding. Eventually through a mind meld of sorts, Deanna is able to help her mother’s subconscious process the truth about a situation that was so painful that she’d had to deeply repress it until it festered and caused her body to collapse. The trauma involved was that Lwaxana’s oldest daughter Kestra (Deanna’s older sister whom she’d never previously known about) died in a tragic accident when Deanna was only a baby.  Lwaxana blamed herself for the death of her elder daughter. The pain of losing her child was so excruciating that Lwaxana tried to block it all out so that she could avoid and forget the pain.  Eventually that mental and emotional pain caught up with her and shut down her body.

This isn't science fiction. While the details of the case are very much fictional, the reality of how the body, mind and spirit interact is true.  It is entirely possible for us to store our pain in our mind and our body eventually leading to our body’s collapse. For most of us this process doesn't result in a spontaneous coma. Instead, we have unexplained back pain, fibromyalgia, the flu or cancer among many other health issues. I am in no way denying that all of these conditions have physical, biological roots as well. The flu, for instance, is a virus. However, why is it that with two people in the same family with the same diet one might get the flu every year while the other never gets sick? Clearly genetics may play a role, but stress and other life experiences also condition our bodies to be predisposed to illness or health.

As someone who has experienced the unexpected and tragic death of a child, I know firsthand that it is something that is so traumatic that it could eventually destroy our health if we do not thoroughly process our grief about the situation. The pain that a child dying causes is unlike any other pain in the world.  It’s excruciating. Every day the bereaved parents wake up to feeling that part of their future has been stolen from them. Their empty arms may literally ache from the absence of their child, and they almost certainly will feel the pain of heartache in their chests. In my case, it took thirteen years of work in order to fully process the pain that came from my daughter’s death, in part because I thought I had already processed it all. I didn't realize that there were subconscious memories stored in my body that I still needed to release. Once I finally released those traumatic emotions, I finally found true peace around my daughter’s death.

When we face health challenges, it is important that we work not just to eliminate the pathogens or the pain but that we also relieve and release the emotional pain that is often behind our poor health. This is not always something straightforward and easy. It sometimes takes time to find the roots of our pain or illness and work through them. This process is entirely possible, but oftentimes it requires the assistance of a professional such as me to clarify the issues behind the problems. Lwaxana needed the assistance of Maques and Deanna to go into her mind and find her issues. While I definitely can’t meld with anyone’s mind, I can speak with higher powers who help me find issues stored within the bodies of clients so that they can release whatever is making them ill. I've gone through this process myself; it is what helped me to regain my health after many medical professionals had given up on me. Working with the mind-body-spirit connection can provide incredible healing for us in the real world just as it did for Lwaxana Troi in the fiction of the 24th century.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

If you want to know God, enjoy the company of lovers. ~Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks

I have an account with many boards on Pinterest that I use for collecting work related articles and pictures.  Because I have boards about relationships and spirituality, Pinterest will often suggest pins to me that are about traditional Christian marriage values.  While I can see where the algorithm is getting the idea these articles might be of interest to me, it couldn't be further from the truth in pinpointing my beliefs.

Lately I’ve been seeing quite a few pins that are variations on the idea that “True Love Always Waits.”  Someone in the Universe must be encouraging me to do some deep healing because this is a very touchy (no pun intended) issue for me based on my personal history. I was raised Catholic and attended an all-girls' Catholic school from grades 6-12. As is required by Catholic teachings, we learned that sex before marriage was a sin. We also learned that boys who pushed us for sex rather than waiting didn't really love us. As young women, we were not expected to actually want to have sex except under pressure from our dates.  These ideas are wrong on so many levels, and in many cases, they are psychologically damaging.

To start with, I do not believe that sex before marriage is a sin.  In my view, sex is an intimate connection between two people. I believe it is sacred, and I believe that it can bring us closer to God.  However, I also believe it can be a lot of fun and can help bond a couple regardless of their marital status. For many people, marriage is no more than a legal piece of paper. It in no way reflects the commitment and love shared by the couple in most cases.  It’s merely a formality for the sake of society.

The idea that sex belongs in marriage began for two different reasons. The first was a male dominated culture that wanted to ensure that the bride was a virgin who would only bear the fruit of her husband’s loins. The second was an attempt to prevent the spread of STDs.  The first is obviously irrelevant in today’s age of genetic testing. The second is still a legitimate concern, though we now have condoms to help with it.

When I was in high school taking a required love and marriage class in my senior year, the concept of sexual compatibility was not even remotely discussed. Sex was presented as having a magic formula of one man and one woman. With a little foreplay thrown in to satisfy the woman, that’s all that a couple needed to have a successful sexual relationship.  The reality of that couldn't be further from the truth. Sex between two amazing people who love each other can still be truly awful if the chemistry is not there or if their sexual preferences are not in alignment with each other. Getting stuck in an unhappy marriage without sexual compatibility is a realistic situation when one believes that sex should not happen until after marriage.  No amount of love or therapy can fix a situation like this.

Another topic that was very much omitted in high school and in our society in general is the idea of women wanting sex: That’s completely healthy and normal. However, if you pay attention to magazine article titles while standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, you’ll quickly notice that our society functions on a misguided belief that all women have low sex drives and all men have high sex drives.  Women aren't supposed to want sex in the same way men do. That means that for women who do want to have sex but are partnered with a man who wants to wait, they can end up feeling like misfits, sexual freaks of nature or undesirable women.

Another common line is that men only want sex for pleasure's sake but that they don’t really love women if they have sex before marriage.  Men wanting sex absolutely doesn't mean they don’t love the women involved.  It means they are human.  When men are wanting sex alone with no emotional involvement or commitment, women may find that situation to be problematic. However, there are a lot of variations between the two extremes.  Finding that fine line of knowing he loves you and wants you for more than just your body is hard, especially when one is young.  However, it’s entirely possible that a man may want to have sex with a woman before marriage to show his love and develop intimacy.

Then there’s that horrible idiom, “Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free?” This line implies that if a woman gives a man sex before marriage, he’ll never marry her.  Aside from the terrible idea of comparing women to farm animals, this saying denigrates both men and women.  Women are not objects to be bought or sold.  Not all men are unable to control their sexual urges nor are they out to just use women for sex.  Many do have good intentions at heart.

In today’s modern world, marriage is not always a viable or practical option. When my ex and I were dating, we were in high school and college; marrying would have meant that we would have lost our health insurance policies through our parents' employers. I have heard of other situations where elderly widows and widowers can’t afford to remarry because they would lose their late spouse’s pension and therefore would not be able to support themselves even meagerly in retirement.  I know another couple who has chosen not to marry because it would cost them tax benefits on the two homes they own, one under each of their names.  Sadly, finances are an important part of survival in our world.

In my own relationship with my ex-husband, the “true love waits” idea was a huge problem for us.  We both grew up Catholic; my ex was far more strict in his moral beliefs than I was, though.  (Ironically, he’s now an atheist.)  He came from a family where sexuality wasn't ever a topic of discussion except to say how wrong sex was before marriage.  Like most young humans, my ex deeply absorbed those views that were being presented to him.  The problem arose when my ex and I had been dating for far too many years to remain celibate (5+ years before we married). There’s no magic number of how long any couple should or shouldn't wait. However, in our case, not having sex actually became very damaging to our relationship after several years even though all those Catholic tales swore that having sex before marriage was the damaging thing. My ex-husband eventually realized much later that his previous views were damaging to our relationship, and he regretted them. His apology during marriage therapy gave me an amazing amount of relief, though it didn't happen soon enough to prevent a great deal of pain in our relationship twenty years earlier.

So what do I teach my children? I have taught them that sex is intimate and powerful. It can be amazing in the right circumstances but it also can be emotionally painful and damaging if it happens in the wrong circumstances. My general belief is that if you’re not willing to deal with the logical consequences of sex (getting pregnant, a realistic risk since no birth control method aside from complete abstinence is 100% reliable), then you shouldn't be having sex. It’s just basic logic to me. Once you’re in a place in your life where you could support and raise a child, then you should wait to have sex with someone who truly cares about you and respects you. That person should see you as a whole person, not just a body to provide physical pleasure. Sex should be a part of an intimate relationship with your partner, an act that brings you closer together regardless of your marital status.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC