There's a difference between solitude and loneliness. ~Maggie Smith

The documentary Maidentrip details the travels of a young woman, Laura Dekker, as she sets out to break the world record for the youngest person sailing around the world alone.  She was ages 13-16 during the time of the film and ages 14-16 during the actual journey.  In what I consider a wise move, Dekker chose to not try to do the trip as fast as possible as she wanted to stop and enjoy some of the locations she harbored in.  The documentary is not incredibly long, and the only critique I had was that the footage can be a bit queasy at times for those of us who don’t do well with sea sickness/motion.  The film is family friendly overall as long as you don’t mind Dekker swearing in English like a sailor on quite a few occasions.  There are subtitles in quite a few places, too.

As I watched the film, I was amazed at my revulsion to the idea of such a trip.  I didn't have an issue with Dekker making the trip though I’m not sure I would let my similarly aged children do the same thing.  However, I knew immediately I would never enjoy such a voyage.  Some of that is due to my above-mentioned seasickness, but something else struck a deeper chord that I had to explore to see why I had such a strong aversion to the concept.

It turns out this documentary tapped into the loneliness I felt during so many years of being homebound and isolated due to my chronic illness.  There was no one around the vast majority of the time.  Aside from my ex-husband, I rarely saw other adults.  I am a highly sensitive person and an introvert, so I do desperately need alone time.  However, I am also a social creature who enjoys going out with friends and attending various events.  After those events, I need to crawl back into my cave and decompress, but the socialization fuels me and feeds my soul.  Total solitude for days on end equates loneliness to me.

Choosing to be alone and having solitude is definitely one thing.  Loneliness due to health issues and isolation is another.  My experience with the latter has biased me against the first even though I enjoy solitude at times.  You just won’t be finding me taking any two year solitary cruises around the world in this life!

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

Recently, my kids and I were watching Sister Act for their first time.  While my kids are all baptized Catholic, we have not raised them as Catholics as my ex-husband and I both grew away from the Catholic religion.  As a result, our kids aren’t very educated about Catholicism.  They know some of the basics, but they don’t have the benefits of the cultural education I gained from growing up Catholic.

At one point, Mother Superior (Maggie Smith) shows Dolores/Sister Mary Clarence (Whoopi Goldberg) her “cell,” a.k.a. her room.  Dolores begins complaining violently about how sparse the room is.  I told my kids that the room was pretty accurate for a convent.  My kids just looked at me like I was nuts.  They asked how I would know, and I told them I had spent the night in a convent.  This caused the movie to get paused as my one son asked, “What? Was this some kind of field trip?”  I explained that there was a convent attached to the Catholic school where I went and that I ended up spending a night there. 

The longer story is that when I was in high school, there was a campus ministry sponsored “fastathon” in my freshman and sophomore years during Lent.  The goal was to bring about awareness of global hunger and to raise funds for a food related charity by getting sponsors.  It was basically a 36-48 hour juice fast.  My freshman year, there was a group of about five of us who participated (out of about 225 students total in the high school).  We spent the night at the school, and after dark, we went running shoeless through the unlit hallways.  It was exhilarating event and a priceless memory. :)

My sophomore year, I was the only one who elected to stay at the school while others participated from home due to other social activities.  Since it was just me, I ended up spending the night in the convent with the nun who was sponsoring the activity.  I got to follow the nuns about for their daily activities on the weekend including attending the various matins, vespers, etc.  I also got to see parts of the building that most students never got to see in all their years at the school.  It was an interesting experience, but not one that gave me any desire to join a convent for life, especially since I was already dating my future husband at that point.

I also took a nun with me when I went shopping for my honeymoon lingerie, but as they say, that is another story!

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

One of Amazon's daily deals for Kindle today (Wednesday, October 15, 2014) is The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.  I am currently working on a review for this book, but you can get some basic information about it from Aron's website.  As she states:

• Are you easily overwhelmed by such things as bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens nearby?
• Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time?
• Do you make a point of avoiding violent movies and TV shows?
• Do you need to withdraw during busy days, into bed or a darkened room or some other place where you can have privacy and relief from the situation?
• Do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations?
• Do you notice or enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art?
• Do you have a rich and complex inner life?
• When you were a child, did your parents or teachers see you as sensitive or shy?

If you fit this profile or your child(ren) do, then it's well worth your while to read Aron's seminal work on the topic of highly sensitive people.  Aron includes a great number of helpful coping and adapting tips for those who are highly sensitive.

The book is widely available in public libraries, but the Austin Public Library does not have it available in digital form at this time.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought. ~Percy Bysshe Shelley

There’s no doubt that music can create some of our strongest memories, though those songs don’t have to be sad.  Some of my most powerful memories are associated with music; some of them are happy and others are less so.

When I was in high school, one of my very Irish great aunts died in an accident.  Before we left her graveside, one of the cousins began an a cappella version of “When Irish Eyes are Smiling.”  There wasn’t a dry eye left by the time the song was done.  For me, that song is now forever associated with that aunt and that funeral.

Likewise, at my daughter’s memorial service, we played “Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)" by Billy Joel.  Though I love it, I cannot listen to that song without breaking down into tears within the first few measures.  It transports me back to that raw and painful time around her death.  

My high school’s song is another that brings to mind many memories.  It’s more of an anthem than a pep cheer, and the woman who wrote it was attempting to make the “Star Spangled Banner” look like it required a narrow vocal range.  Twenty-three years after I graduated, there is one point in the school song that I still can hear my fellow students screeching the high note because it just begged for such treatment.  None of us felt much love for that song, but the memories bring smiles to my face.  

Music on religious retreats also has powerful memories associated with it for me.  When I was in high school, I attended a TEC retreat, which was an incredibly powerful experience for me and many others.  Very late one night, we were traipsing through the building holding hands as part of the planned activities.  The Taizé-style chant that we sang still echoes in my mind.  

On another retreat during grad school, we had an evening of social activity.  The group was at a rural retreat center in Massachusetts, and the outside world was cold and filled with snow.  Someone had brought a guitar, and so we spent the evening inside by a fire singing all kinds of popular songs.  Jimmy Buffet’s “Margaritaville” is the one that got stuck in my brain permanently from that evening because of the laughter and joy that filled the room as we sang.  It’s not exactly the type of song one would usually associate with a Catholic retreat, but such is life!

We can intentionally create memories that become a part of our body by using music.  One way to do this is using a particular song or album to meditate to.  Our bodies and minds will then associate that album with relaxation.  Then at a later time of stress, if you turn on that music, your body will (hopefully) automatically relax as much as it can.  Likewise, if you play a song frequently during a time of joy and happiness in your life, listening to that song again at a later date can bring back those same positive feelings.  Using music we have pre-programmed into our bodies and minds can be a great way to shift one’s mood at times when we need to find a different outlook on life.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

(This is a cross-post from the archives of my much neglected food blog.)

When my twins were two, we began trick or treating with them.  However, they had food sensitivities to dairy, soy, and corn at that point.  If you read the labels on most mainstream candy, that pretty much eliminates everything.  Furthermore, neither of them liked chocolate until recently.  That was definitely not from my part of their gene pool.  To  top it all off, I did not want to be loading them up with artificial flavors and colors since one of them did not do well with those ingredients.  So we were left in a quandary about how to do trick or treating when they couldn’t or wouldn’t eat anything they received.

That first year, my solution was to plant “treats” for them at a few neighbors’ houses.  Books, pencils, erasers—that kind of thing.  We went to the houses, did our trick or treating, and then my son announced, “This is fun!  Let’s do more houses.”  Um, well, no.  I didn’t have any more “safe” houses for us to go to.  We lured them home to look at their new goodies instead.

The next year, we let them collect candy, but we had prepped them in advance that they would “get” to trade in their candy for a new and wonderful toy when they got back to our house.  Since they never really ate candy, the trade was an obvious upgrade from their point of view.  They were really happy with their new toys.

And so it continued for many years with their younger brother eventually joining in the fun.  They would collect candy and trade it in for toys.  We would take the candy they collected, put it out in a bowl on our front porch, and let the local teenagers take it away.  One year the teenagers took the bowl which irked me to no end, so now we leave the candy in a paper bag.  Another year the teenagers failed to take the candy at all which utterly surprised me.  I offered it up on the free section of Craigslist, and within 10 minutes of posting, a local homeschooling teenager had collected it off of my front porch.  I know there are other options like taking it to a local dentist who collects the candy for sending to troops abroad.  Some years Mobile Loaves and Fishes has accepted donations to distribute with the meals they provide for those in need.  However, with my illness, I just haven’t had the energy to do more than put it on the porch and let someone else take it away!

In more recent years as the food sensitivities have waned and my kids have gotten older, we’ve also started buying organic candy from the bulk bins at Whole Foods and including that as part of the trade-in deal.  They surrender most of their loot for organic candy and a game.

However you celebrate, be safe.

copyright 2014 Green Heart Guidance

I don’t wear makeup.  I experimented briefly with it in junior high and then only wore it a handful of times in high school for dances.  I couldn’t see the point.  It was fragrant, it took time to apply, and it took even more precious time to remove before bed when I really just wanted to collapse.  A few women I knew tried to convince me that I had to wear makeup to my first wedding 20+ years ago, yet amazingly the ceremony successfully happened with me in my unadorned face.  I’ve generally gone by the motto that if my eyelids were meant to be purple, they would have been painted that way in the first place.

I also don’t dye my hair despite having gotten my first gray hair at 28.  While it can be hard to tell that in some pictures, in person there is no doubt that a large percentage of my hairs have gone gray now at age 40.  Part of the reason I don't dye my hair is due to chemical sensitivity:  I wouldn’t be able to tolerate chemical hair coloring if I wanted to, and most of the more natural hair colorings still have some questionable ingredients in them, too.  However, a large part of it has to do with my comfort with who I am.  So my hair is graying.  That’s life.  It means I’m getting older, and I’ve earned every one of those gray hairs along the way!  I actually like the way they look on me.

I really appreciate when people, especially celebrities, help spread the message that women should be happy with what they look like. Colbie Caillat’s recent song and accompanying video for “Try” are amazing examples of encouraging acceptance of one’s true self.  The song correctly states, “Why should you care, what they think of you/ When you're all alone, by yourself/ Do you like you?”  That is the fundamental truth.  No amount of makeup will be able to change your self-esteem if you don’t love who you are.

I take issue, though, with an article by Elle magazine about this video.  In the article, the author says that they talk to Caillat about “why all women hate the way they look in photographs” [original emphasis].  First of all, that’s not true.  Many women may hate the way they look in photographs, but all women do not.  Second, the photographer in me wants to advise that if people don’t like the way they look in photos, aside from working on their self-esteem, those people also need to hire a great photographer to get some professional shots taken of themselves to help them see how beautiful they can be even without Photoshopping.  I agree that when I see crappy phone photos of myself taken from unflattering angles, I cringe.  That’s not how I want to believe others physically see me.  However, I’ve taken many self-portraits of myself that I love.  A good photographer with the proper equipment can do wonders for photography fears!

Aside from the issues around photography, many men and women in our society need to reprogram their thoughts about beauty.  Women (and all people, really) are beautiful in their natural state.  They don’t need makeup or hair coloring.  If they like wearing those things, then great.  They should do what they enjoy.  However, our society should not be dominated by a multi-billion dollar self-improvement industry that tries to convince women that they can feel better about themselves through products they purchase.  True beauty and happiness don’t come from the cosmetics counter.  They come from within.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

Size discrimination in American society is very real.  Anyone who has been both skinny and fat as an adult can testify to it.  I’ve ranged in size from a size 8 when healthy to a size 24 when Lyme was at its worst for me.  Right now as I fight severe insulin resistance courtesy of the Lyme Disease, I am again battling weight problems despite eating a diet that makes a rabbit’s menu look luxurious.  Being fat is physically painful for me.  That physical pain is only accentuated by the emotional pain of experiencing blatant fatism in daily life. I’m not alone in that.  A search on Huffington Post alone shows article after article demonstrating the problems of fat discrimination.

I’m not denying that obesity is a major problem in our culture.  However, no matter how much of a problem obesity is, there’s no justification for discriminating against those carrying around extra weight.  It doesn’t affect who they are at their core as a person.  Rude tweets such as the recent viral one suggesting that someone who can’t lose weight also can’t complete a Ph.D. are just plain wrong—and I’m happy to serve as evidence to the contrary on that one!

I’m an avid reader of The New Yorker.  I love the breadth of its articles which I learn quite a lot from.  Lately, though, I’ve noticed an editorial decline in the structure of articles and an increase in the publication basic errors.  Moreover, a recent article on the late singer and civil rights activist Nina Simone flummoxed me completely (Claudia Roth Pierpont, “A Raised Voice,” The New Yorker, August 11&18, 2014: 44-51).  In one of the final paragraphs of the article, the author states:

“She was sixty-five years old, and photographs of the events show her standing between Mandela and Jackson, overweight yet glamorously done up, her hair piled in braids and her strapless white blouse a contrast to the African costumes of the chorus all around.”

I truly cringed.  I stopped and reread the sentence several times.  Surely I had misread.  The author could not possibly have said “overweight yet glamorously done up.” Here, in an article on a civil rights activist published in a liberal intellectual magazine, the author had joined in the blatant fatism that is so rampant in our society, and the editor had sloppily failed to remove it before publication.  Since when does being overweight become a prohibiting factor in dressing up glamorously? It’s true that fashion choices are more limited for plus-sized individuals, but we are still just as fond as skinny women of looking our best on occasion. 

One can easily argue that it was “just” a poor word choice, and that may be true.  But the fact that both author and editor of a major magazine failed to recognize what a poor word choice it was stands as evidence to how common and easy it is to publicly discriminate against the obese in our nation.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

When I was driving to my chiropractor’s office the other morning, I had a local morning talk show playing on the radio.  The announcers were discussing Robin Thicke’s recent admission that he didn’t write the lyrics to “Blurred Lines” as he previously claimed.  One of the male announcers said, “Poor Robin.  He can’t write a song.  He can’t keep a woman.  He needs to join a dating site!”  While it may just have been a very poor segue to a segment on online dating, I still wanted to whack my head onto the steering wheel at that point.  The last thing Thicke needs is to get on a dating site at this point. 

Let’s examine Thicke’s situation as it's known to the public at this point.  He has been separated from his wife for seven months; most of that time he was publicly trying to win her back.  Previous to that, they had been in a 21 year relationship and had known each other for two years before that.  This wasn’t a quick fling that fell apart.  It was a long endeavor, but one that did not end well.  It’s not that he can’t keep a woman:  It’s that his relationship ended poorly and publicly.

Moreover, when someone is only a few months out of a major relationship and has only recently come to terms that the relationship is actually over and that there is no more hope for a reunion, it’s not time for that person to start dating.  While it sometimes happens without folks meaning to, it’s really preferable for most people to take some time for themselves after a relationship ends.  If they’re lucky, they’ll be able to work with a life coach or therapist to process some of the pain from the relationship’s demise.  They’ll also be able to work on the problems that they contributed to the relationship.  None of us are perfect, and we all can stand to do continuing work to improve ourselves.  In between relationships is a great time to do this self-reflection so that one doesn’t get into a new relationship that only repeats the problems of previous relationships.

In addition, it’s clear that Thicke has a drug and alcohol abuse problem.  He’s quoted as saying, "With all due respect, I was high and drunk every time I did an interview last year."  That’s not a good thing.  Again, some outside help from a therapist, counselor, or addiction program would serve likely Thicke well.  This is not something a dating website will solve.  A person dealing with issues this severe really doesn’t need to be trying to find a romantic partner.  That person needs to be working on his/her own to heal.  Dating websites exist to fix people up, not to fix their problems.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

I tend to prefer movies that allow me to relax and escape yet which also leave me thinking.  I watched Neverwas (2005, PG-13) the other evening and was quite drawn to its plot and themes not to mention its stellar actors.  This film met my need to escape (albeit to a mental institution in the beautiful Hudson Valley), but it also broached a question which is one I've debated with myself many times over the past few years:  Which of us is delusional, and which of us is inspired?  I'm sure many might look at my intuitive messages and immediately deem me delusional.  So be it.  But how do I know that I'm not mentally ill?  How do I know that my metaphysical friends aren't all delusional, too?

I attended a social meeting for those with intuitive gifts a while back.  There were about 25 people in the room.  Two were clearly mentally ill.  One was suffering from narcissistic personality disorder and loneliness.  He actually didn't have any metaphysical gifts that he knew of.  He just came to check out the crowd and get some attention.  The other man in question was genuinely delusional.  His visions clearly crossed the line between sanity and insanity.  They had elements of obsessive compulsive disorder to them, and I wouldn't be surprised if he had a diagnosis of schizophrenia as well.

So how could I tell that this second guy wasn’t on the same page as the rest of us?  Part of it was instinct.  Part of it was listening to what he said and how he said it.  He engaged in activities that no one else in any metaphysical practice that I’m aware of also participates in.  His visions were delusions that were damaging his relationships with others and impeding on his ability to live his life.  They created activities for him that were outside the realm of acceptable human behavior, even for a metaphysician. 

To me, the bigger question comes down to whether anyone is being hurt or anyone is being helped by the visions.  If the visions are helpful, creating healing and peace, they probably are genuine.  If they are delusions rather than divinely inspired visions, someone is likely getting deeply hurt, whether that’s the person having the delusions or those around him.  Even within that distinction, sometimes delusions can be helpful things.  In Neverwas, a lead character’s imaginative delusions actually helped him to live a happy but solitary life that involved quite a bit of fantasy.  Those around him who were getting "hurt" were those who chose not to let him be happy in his own way.

All of us have different views and perceptions.  To me, it’s important to remember “reality” is very different for all of us.  Quite often, there is no one ultimate Truth. Since opening to my intuition and my metaphysical gifts, I have been happier than I have ever been previously in my life.  My spiritual visions help me and countless others, and to me, that is what matters. 

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance, LLC

Many years ago on Halloween, a group of local public high schoolers came to our front door with a shopping cart.  Instead of demanding candy, they were respectfully requesting canned good donations for a local charity as a part of a service group at the school.  It made a huge positive impression on me.  I thought it was a magnificent way for them to get out and enjoy Halloween as older kids but to turn it into a way that benefited the community at large.  It was also on a night when people were at home expecting people to come asking for food donations anyway!

Fast forward 11 years to 2013, and my twins were at a small private school for kids who lived all across the city.  I proposed to the school that we have a similar canned good drive, and the project was approved.  This school required volunteer hours for students as part of their desire to educate the whole person.  Students were allowed to earn volunteer hours by collecting canned goods which in turn parents helped drive to a local food bank.  We donated the cans we collected to the Capital Area Food Bank; another local organization that would happily accept such donations is Safeplace.

Organizing and preparing for this project really did not take a great deal of effort.  I did most of the preparation from home, and I’ve attached the documents from my work below so that others might use them as templates for similar drives.  I let teachers, students, and families know through the various electronic media for the school that this drive was happening.  I found students to help box up the collected items.  I organized families to drive the canned goods to the food bank and to donate baked goods for the winning advisory (also called a homeroom at other schools).  The afterschool club at the school made posters to hang around the school to increase awareness about the project, too.

The family preparation for my kids to participate was rather easy.  We have a wheeled utility cart that I use for farmers’ markets, so we had a way to carry the canned goods between houses.  We had spare boxes in the garage to put the collected items into.  We were ready to go.

While my kids were hesitant at first, they quickly realized how willing neighbors were to help.  It was very rare that someone did not give us a donation of at least one canned good, and quite often, they gave us more.  The neighbors also always offered the kids candy even though that wasn’t the goal.  Over the course of the evening, we made a couple of stops back at the house to unload the collection so that the cart didn’t get too heavy.

One thing that I had not anticipated was people wanting to donate cash or checks instead of canned goods.  If I run a project like this again, I would allow students to collect checks made out to the organization we were contributing to, and I would figure out a conversion amount (such as $1=1 canned good) for tabulations for the advisory competition we had going on.

When one is homebound and disabled, it can be hard to give to others.  Projects like organizing this canned food drive are something that can be done from home if you have a couple of great assistants helping you. Both my ex-husband and the woman we carpooled with were incredibly helpful in doing legwork for the project that was beyond my physical abilities.   The net result was great.  The kids collected hundreds of meals worth of canned goods and made Halloween a little more meaningful for everyone involved.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

When Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced that they were divorcing by way of conscious uncoupling, the media had a field day.  On Facebook, I saw many friends and acquaintances joining in the ridicule.  Perhaps it was the somewhat hokey name that drew people in to the mockery, but I suspect most people didn’t bother to find out what it means.  The following quote from Paltrow’s blog announcement gives a great summary of conscious uncoupling:

“From this perspective, there are no bad guys, just two people, each playing teacher and student respectively. When we understand that both are actually partners in each other’s spiritual progress, animosity dissolves much quicker and a new paradigm for conscious uncoupling emerges, replacing the traditional, contentious divorce. It’s only under these circumstances that loving co-parenting can happen. It’s conscious uncoupling that prevents families from being broken by divorce and creates expanded families that continue to function in a healthy way outside of traditional marriage.”

In theory, this should be the goal for almost all divorces:  Less hate, less anger, less bitterness, less blame.  Both people would be aware that they contributed to the relationship ending as it had served its purpose in their lives and it is now time to move on peacefully.

I am recently and amicably divorced after a three plus year separation.  My ex and I didn’t use the term conscious uncoupling; however, many of our friends have nicknamed our situation a “grown up divorce”-- a divorce where both parties choose to act like mature adults.  Between friends and family, we have seen some ugly divorces where the goal became seeing how much one spouse could screw over the other spouse.  My ex and I didn’t want that for ourselves, for our kids, or even for each other.  There’s an internet quote that is attributed to anyone and everyone that says, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”  I strongly believed that anything negative I tried to do to my spouse would just come back to hurt me, and that wasn’t what I wanted.

We didn’t use lawyers for our divorce.  Lawyers serve a purpose, but this was not a time they were needed.  We have children, property, and assets, but despite the dire warnings of the internet law sites, we were able to work out all the arrangements between us.  Despite the fact I acted as our lawyer, the various fees and costs associated the divorce have totaled more than our relatively modest wedding twenty years ago.  Divorce ain’t cheap.

Things were not a bed of roses between my ex-husband and me during the negotiation process.  If our relationship had been perfect, we wouldn’t have been getting a divorce!  We had used a wonderful couple’s therapist for 2.5 years as we worked to save and then dissolve the marriage.  We agreed to use him as our witness and mediator as we worked through our divorce negotiations.  That was a really great decision because it helped us to work through various emotional issues that came up as we dealt with custody and financial issues.  It also was very helpful to just have a neutral third party whom we both trusted in the room to keep us calm and on task.

Our separation and divorce were intentionally slow, though under ideal circumstances it would probably have only been two years from separation to divorce instead of three.  When my ex-husband initially moved out of our joint home, he moved into a rental house that is only nine doors down the street.  This allowed the kids to have the security of being able to walk back and forth between the two houses any time they wanted to see the other parents.   After two years, he purchased a house that is three miles from my house and in the school zone we both preferred for our kids.  Since our kids are secure in their attachments to both of us and because we’ve been careful not to put the kids between us, they haven’t had any noticeable issues with the divorce.  It’s been a smooth transition.  My ex and I continue to make excellent co-parents because our parenting styles are so similar.

My ex and I still loved each other when we made the decision to divorce, but we also loved each other enough to know we are not the right partners for each other anymore.  We both want the other to be happy with someone else.  My ex-husband now feels like a brother to me, and the love I have for him is best described as fraternal.  We’ve known each other for 27 of my 40 years.  We still celebrate holidays together with the kids, and when we each partner again, we’re planning of having his-hers-and-theirs holidays.  I view his future wife as my future sister-in-law, and I look forward to the additional love she’ll bring to the family.

While many of our friends praised this “grown up divorce,” others we know just don’t seem to know what to do.  They don’t know how to handle a divorce that’s not bitter and ugly.  It seems strange to them to have a divorce where the spouses still talk to each other and share friends.  It’s not the traditional model of divorce they’ve grown accustomed to.  For many, it would just be easier to cut the ex-spouse out of the picture and pretend nothing ever happened rather than confronting the personal emotions that come up around divorce.

I suspect that just as some have been befuddled by the conditions my divorce, most Americans just didn’t know what to do with a “conscious uncoupling” and in their discomfort, they turned to ridicule.  I am sure part of that antagonism was partially just skewering Paltrow and Martin for being famous and in the spotlight.  But for others, I would guess that there is some jealousy of what they didn’t experience in their divorces or their parents’ divorces.  Instead of ridiculing celebrities for modeling a positive approach to divorce, it would be great if our society could celebrate a former couple for doing what’s best for them and their children.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

Like many folks, I was immediately sucked into the catchy tune of “All About That Bass” the first time I heard it, but the longer I listened to the song, the more disturbed I was by the lyrics.  The best way I could come up with to articulate this blog post is in the form of a letter.

Dear Ms. Trainor,

I regret to inform you that your mama has lied to you.  She's right that most men do prefer more curves than an anorexic skin-and-bones supermodel can offer.  However, very few of them are Sir Mix-A-Lot.  They’re just not into the bass.  Unfortunately, the days of Rubens are long gone.

On one popular dating site, 90+% of men want a skinny woman.  By their own admission, the vast majority of those men won’t date an obese woman; a large percentage won't consider dating a slightly overweight woman even if she were their perfect woman in every other way.  It doesn’t matter if she is smart or funny or compassionate.  She’s got to be a treble.

Many people say that this is just a “preference” for slim partners that they can’t help.  It’s wasn’t so long ago that many people “preferred” not to associate with those in a minority group, and our society thought that was ok.  Let’s just call a spade a spade, shall we?  This "preference" is actually prejudice in most cases.  Yes, many of us find ourselves drawn to people who have certain characteristics, but to refuse to look outside of that type is no more than narrow-minded bigotry against those who are obese.

You may not be a size 2, but you are certainly not much more than a size 12.  As a matter of the fact, there are no truly plus-sized women in your video.  There is one obese male dancer wearing an ill-fitting shirt whose purpose is mystifying and objectifying, but then again, given how illogical most music videos are, I shouldn’t overanalyze these issues. 

I appreciate that you are spreading the message that “every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top.”  It’s definitely true that many women recognize “the magazine workin' that Photoshop/ We know that sh*t ain't real,” but other young and impressionable minds don’t yet know that those images of false perfection that they are confronted with all day, every day are fiction.

Perhaps instead of consoling women and telling them that their bass is ok you could focus on educating both men and women that all humans are far more than their physical appearance.  Their bodies aren’t what will hold a relationship together.  Instead, a person’s spirit, intellect, and personality are far more important.  I’d recommend you stop looking for a man who is concerned with your derrière and instead start looking for a man who respects your entire being.  You’re young, beautiful, and healthy.  If a man can’t look past a few pounds, he’s not worth your time and effort.

Sincerely,
Been There, Done That (and got the double bass t-shirt to prove it)

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

Over the past few years, I’ve spent quite a lot of time finding myself.  I love the song “Wake Me Up” by Avicii for its lines, “All this time I was finding myself/ And I didn't know I was lost.”  When I started on this journey, I was seeking inner peace and healing from trials I have endured in my life.  I really had no clue how lost I was.  I never expected that I would end up changing my life course completely.  However, I am so grateful for the results this journey has brought me.

Avicii also sings, “So wake me up when it's all over/ When I'm wiser and I'm older.”  When the road is rough, sometimes I wish that was true.  I really did sleep through many years of my life when I was so sick.  I was in bed 22+ hours a day, and sometimes I was sleeping 16-18 hours of those.  It was typical for me to sleep 14+ hours a day.  My body wasn’t strong enough to function any more than that. 

However, it’s those struggles of becoming wiser as we become older that make us appreciate what we have and which teach us lessons.  If I woke up tomorrow and had the life back that I had twelve years ago, I doubt I could be happy in it.  I have learned too much and changed radically.  If I had missed those years of struggle, I’m also not sure I would be able to value what I have now.  Regardless, hypotheticals like this are really pointless to argue:  We can only face the reality we have.  I’m grateful for the changes I’ve made in my life, and despite the excruciating pain along the way, I’m grateful for the wiser person I am now.

I also really appreciate the lines, “I tried carrying the weight of the world/ But I only have two hands.”  I think far too many of us have tried carrying the weight of the world.  It doesn’t work well.  Chronic illness taught me to let go of so many things.  I’ve narrowed my focus and have learned to change the world in small ways every day.  I am making a difference, just in a way than I ever imagined before.

When I watched the video for this song for the first time a few days ago, I was struck by the scenario of the females trying to fit in a place they didn’t belong.  That truly was me for so many years, trying to pretend I wasn’t an intuitive and pretending that I was happy in a marriage where I wasn’t.  It’s a huge risk to step outside of what you know to search for the place you belong, but it’s worth it in the long run.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

Being an intuitive empath is all I’ve ever known in this life.  I have no idea what it’s like to not live inside a shell that is so sensitive to energy on all levels.  As I’ve aged, I’ve become even more sensitive and in tune with the energy that surrounds us. That includes being super sensitive to others’ emotions and mental states, even across the tv and movie screens.

As an outpouring of grief is happening right now after the suicide of Robin Williams, I find myself in a seemingly very different place than many of my friends.  I enjoyed Robin Williams’ work when I was younger: Good Morning, Vietnam was the first R-rated movie I ever saw, and I loved it.  But in the past decade, I found Williams’ pain too palpable to allow me to watch his work.  Despite his outward humor, he was a truly unhappy man.  I couldn’t see past his pain to hear his funniness any longer.

Williams is not the lone comedian to have such pain.  It’s my experience that class clowns and comedians often use humor to cope with deep pain in their lives.  That pain may be past abuse, deep losses, current depression, substance addiction, or any range of other demons that can haunt us and bring us down.  There are many other very popular comedians whom I just can’t watch anymore no matter how funny they are because when I watch them, all I can see is their suffering.

Williams clearly and publicly battled his demons:  He was in and out of rehab for alcohol addiction numerous times in recent years.  He was addicted to cocaine in previous decades.  These addictions, while they often have a genetic predisposition, are also indications of people dealing with great pain in their personal lives.

Please don’t think that I don’t have incredible sympathy for Williams’ family and friends.  They have lost someone they cherished: To them, he was not a celebrity but a man they loved.  However, it’s not a shock to me at all that he chose to end his own life.  He was suffering deeply and was not able to find peace in this world.  I hope that now that he has shed his mortal body that his soul can begin to heal from those things which haunted him in his earthly life.  I also hope his family and the families of all those who have lost loved ones to suicide can find peace despite their great losses.

(The flower pictured above is a lily.  White lilies are commonly used at funerals both for their beautiful simplicity and to symbolically represent the hope that the souls of the deceased have been restored to innocence and purity.)

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance