I do not serve the world by false humility. I serve the world most by humbly accepting that God uses me, because God uses everyone and everything to serve the process of universal healing. ~Marianne Williamson, Enchanted Love
I very firmly believe that I endured all my health, psychological, emotional and spiritual issues in this life in order to force me to become a better person. What I have been through in the past 41 years has changed me radically, especially in the past 12 when I was forced to start healing old wounds on a much deeper level than before. I am certain that one of the purposes of this life was to heal my soul of much damage it had accumulated across lifetimes. Yet I also am positive that I went through all of my trials and challenges in order to become a healer so that I could help others heal in ways that aren’t generally possible in our culture. Western medicine flounders around with so many misdiagnoses and with drugs that mask symptoms rather than curing problems. That’s not to say that it doesn’t do some good, too. However, there are many people in this nation who are very well-medicated but still in horrendous pain. Earlier on the evening when I wrote this post, I questioned whether or not it becomes egocentric to tell others, “I suffered so that you might heal.” In a way, that sounds very Christ-like, and I certainly am not a god. Yet on another level, it is the simple truth. I developed my metaphysical gifts so that I might heal myself and then in turn heal others. I believe that is part of why I was put on this planet in this time in this form. To not use those metaphysical gifts to help others reduce or eliminate suffering would be a waste of my life in my opinion. However, I’m also very conscious of the dangers of ego combined with healing professions. One of the most perilous things in energy work and healing work is practioners who are coming from a place of ego. When these practitioners forget that they are merely instruments of higher powers and instead believe that they are powerful in their own right, trouble often emerges for both clients and the healers. Spirit does not tolerate that type of ego, and it often induces a scenario that resenbles the famous phrase about pride coming before the fall. As I enter a new phase of my healing work with others, I am constantly reminding myself that while I am an amazing person, I would not be the gifted healer that I am without the help of those who support me on the other side. My ability to receive healing messages greatly depends on the other side being willing to send them, too! I am grateful to the higher powers who support me day in and day out as we work together to bring about positive change in the world. © 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC
My maternal grandmother died 24 years ago today, or at least that’s what the record books say.
Her death started in the week beforehand when she was taken to the ER in the middle of the night for congestive heart failure (CHF). The type 2 diabetes she had for the 10+ years before her death is an established risk factor for CHF. She was given six months to live at that point. My mother (and possibly her siblings) decided with the doctors that the best thing for my grandmother to do was to have heart surgery. However, surgery on patients with diabetes has higher risks than on the general population. My paternal aunt, who was an RN/BSN, warned me that doing the surgery was the wrong decision because the risk of stroke was so high. She told me that if we were lucky, my grandmother would die from the stroke during surgery. If we were unlucky, she’d live in a vegetative state for many years with her newly repaired heart. I repeated this information to my mother who discounted and ignored what I said because she was certain her decision to do the surgery was the right one. Her words were along the lines of, "No. This surgery is the only chance your grandmother has." The night before the surgery, almost all the adults in the family (including me at age 17) gathered in my grandmother's hospital room. She had given birth to six children, five of whom were there along with several spouses and two other grandchildren. The room was quite crowded, but it was filled with laughter. It struck me as such an odd gathering since the family never really got together except for weddings, funerals or major holidays. I left earlier than most of the crowd because I had to be at work at 5 or 6 the next morning. As I left, I had the distinct feeling that it was the last time I would ever see my grandmother alive. My paternal aunt was correct in her assessment of the situation as my grandmother had a stroke during the surgery but survived. She was in a coma for several more days before she died. What I didn’t expect was that my premonition was correct, too. When I went to the hospital a day or two after the surgery with my boyfriend, my mother was the only one in the room. We were already estranged at that point, so it was an awkward situation. I went and stood by my grandmother’s body, but I could tell her spirit was already gone. As I left, my mother ever-so-helpfully told me, “You know this is likely the last time you’ll see your grandmother alive, don’t you?” My mother was always right (in her mind) as she has narcissistic personality disorder, so I had learned quickly as a child that there was no point in ever trying to tell her otherwise. I simply nodded my head while inside my brain I was screaming, “She’s already gone!” I don’t know how one tells that the spirit is gone in a patient in a coma, but I do know that I was certain my grandmother’s spirit was not there. The friend whom I have asked to “pull the plug” on me if I were ever in a similar situation is friends with many who have metaphysical abilities who will easily be able to tell if my spirit has already left. Knowing me, I will probably already be trying to communicate from the other side to tell them how to handle things! My grandmother's body passed away a few days later; mercifully the time her body spent in a coma after the stroke was short. However, to me, the decision to have surgery was the wrong one. I understand why my mother (who had power of attorney for my grandmother who was already showing early signs of dementia) made the decision. My mother felt doctors were gods, and if any of them offered to do something, she would have rapidly agreed even if it was a procedure with terrible odds. She, like most others, also wasn't prepared to lose her mother yet. Many of us make decisions to try and keep our loved ones here longer because of our emotional attachments. However, death is inevitable for all of us. Sometimes the better option is not to medically intervene. In this case, my grandmother’s chance at six months with her family was the better one than the surgery that was likely to cause a stroke due to her risk factors. © 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC
Every once in a while, a pop culture reference ends up being far more spiritual for me than I think its author(s) probably intended. Such was the case as I listened to “Locked Out of Heaven” in the car one day not too long ago. Its lyrics proclaim:
Never had much faith in love or miracles
While there are some pretty hefty double entendres going on in that song, one could also take the song out of context and change the melody up a bit, and it would be a powerful love song that combines the spiritual with the sexual.
Our culture has very dysfunctional approaches to dealing with sex and sexuality. Christianity has taught us for millenia that our bodies are a source of depravity rather than seeing them as beautiful works of God/dess which can bring us closer to the divine through sacred sex. As a result, many people prefer to hide the fact that they are sexual beings. Premarital sex is shunned in many sex education courses around the nation. Yet at the same time, premarital sexual activity is estimated at over 90% in our nation. Despite participating in sexual activity, however, American society is reluctant to open to the idea common in many Eastern religions that sex can be spiritual. Most sex in our hookup culture is anything but sacred. Instead, sex is built on one night stands and finding the prettiest partner one can for quick, theoretically meaningless, sexual experiences. These encounters are not meant to be sacred at all. They’re not even supposed to create intimacy. They merely meet a biological and emotional need to have sex. Many women and men don’t actually enjoy this new popular hookup approach to dating promoted by sites such as Tinder, but there’s no denying that it is having shockwaves on the rest of our culture as more and more people feel that one night stands based on physical appearance are what dating and/or sex is meant to be about. I suspect in future years, many other healers and I will be working with many of these former hookup participants when they come to realize that they feel terribly empty and alone. Casual sex will have not filled their needs emotionally or spiritually. Some will go to the opposite extreme and turn to a born-again Christian approach of denying the flesh to attempt to find peace. Optimistically, the majority will realize that sex can and often should be more meaningful than the way they used it in their younger years. Once they’ve settled into relationships, hopefully they will be able to find a different kind of sex that can be truly life-changing. So what makes some sex sacred? Intimacy is definitely part of it. There is no way to experience God (or tantric energy or whatever higher experience/power you’d like to find) through sex unless one is willing to be intimate with one’s partner. That means not just sharing bodies but sharing emotions, desires, and souls. It involves stripping away of all barriers just as clothing is shed before sex. It requires that participants be truly naked and present on all levels for their partners. Without this openness and connection, trying to find the sacred in sex can be very difficult if not impossible. While sacred sex is thoretically possible to do within the framework of casual sex, it’s far less likely than in an a serious established relationship where partners are sharing more than just their bodies with each other. My guess is that rarely if ever actually happens in hookup situations. Metaphysical energy contributes significantly this powerful connection. On an energetic level, sexual activity allows partners’ second and fourth chakras in particular to connect and share energy. If partners have not done the healing work they need to do as individuals, they may not be able to healthily open their chakras to each other during sexual acts which will limit (but not prevent) the exchange of spiritual energy between them. The less burdens one is carrying, the easier it is to shed the ego and find the holy. Intent is also a huge element of sacred sex. Wanting to connect to a higher power during sex is one of the first steps. From there, the more one opens oneself to intimacy, connection, energy, and emotion with one’s partner, the more likely one is to find that elusive sacred sex that American culture writes off as mythical. As Marianne Williamson writes in Enchanted Love: The Mystical Power of Enchanted Relationships, “When two hearts join in ecstasy and rapture, an army of light ascends and the world is brought closer to heaven. Literally. The beloved’s hand on us, like a baby’s hand, holds a power that is straight from God. Heaven is, in metaphysical terms, the experience of our oneness.” Or in the words of Bruno Mars, “'Cause your sex takes me to paradise...'Cause you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven.” © 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC
When I first started reading Embrace the Unlovable: How to Eliminate Shame, Guilt, and Self-Judgments and Come Home to Yourself Using the Groundbreaking The Compassionate Self-Love Method by Amyra Mah, I was drawn in by her examples of herself as a young girl being emotionally abused by mother and sister while growing up. I recognized much of what she described including her experiences in a Catholic girls’ school that made her ashamed of her body and taught her that femininity is something to be hidden. Mah explains that shame is the wide-spread root of our self-hatred which conventional therapy is limited in its ability to heal. As a result, through channeling information from higher powers, Mah has developed what she dubs The Compassionate Self-Love Method which she presents as a way to heal shame and other deeply rooted issues.
Unfortunately, the book started going downhill after her introductory chapters. My “something is wrong” detectors started going off, so I went and Googled the author. While she calls herself a therapist, she could be prosecuted in the US for doing so because she is not officially licensed; however, Mah lives in Thailand where laws are likely different. Her website states, “I considered going back to school and being trained in psychotherapy, and enrolling in courses that would qualify me to work in the personal development field. But at the back of my mind, there was a voice that said I didn’t need to go through the traditional route of learning.” In the US, the correct term for Mah would be a life coach. However, in a very telling section of her book, Mah shames life coaches and declares them to be people who don’t help with healing. As a holistic life coach who focuses almost solely on healing, I am certain this is completely wrong. Despite the work she has done on herself, Mah’s own inferiority complex still includes needing to put others down to make herself feel better. Mah is not well read at all and it shows. The book contains no footnotes or endnotes and only cites one other author whose work is on eating disorders. Mah makes a lot of claims about other studies that aren't true based on what I've read, but she claims theses studies that I have read don’t even exist which merely reflects her lack of education. Mah wrote Embrace the Unlovable in 2014 and published it in 2015. However, Brene Brown has been researching and publishing a lot longer than that, just for starters. To write a book on shame without mentioning her works is puzzling at best. In addition, Shakti Gawain has been publishing on topics and healing related to Mah’s work for decades. There are many more as well. Mah is not familiar with their ideas, and if she's writing on shame from a holistic healing standpoint, she needs to acknowledge the big names. Throughout the book, Mah puts a great deal of emphasis on how The Compassionate Self-Love Method is different and special, and as a result, Mah comes across as one of those people who think they've invented the wheel. Yet this is the same method, minus the fancy name, that so many therapists have used with me in the past decade as I worked on healing. I think that the Mah has assembled ideas that other authors/healers have used for decades and put them together in a novel way, but if the author was better read, she would know that her ideas are not as stunningly new as she thinks. I absolutely believe that she was channeling this information, and I agree it is being presented in a new format, but at their core, the ideas are not new. As Audre Lorde said, “There are no new ideas. There are only new ways of making them felt.” Instead of rushing to self-publish as Mah did, it would have been better for her to find an editor to help her correct lots of little errors throughout the text. Her writing is beautiful in terms of style, but the book is very repetitious and needs the help of an editor with a red pen with a lot of ink. As mentioned above, Mah needs to read and document other sources if she wants to bring her book up a notch. I understand that she was trying to function just as a channel, but the result is a weaker book. Many of the ideas she presents are not new, and if she’d done more research on the correct authors, she would have found this to be true. Mah also uses terms such as “projections” that actually have the accepted name of “mirrors” in holistic healing. Not having the vocabulary to communicate to her audience is problematic. I also strongly believe that Mah would benefit from a professional mentor, someone who has been practicing holistic healing for decades and who could point out to her where she is presenting old ideas in new ways so that appropriate credit is given. So after all that criticism, did I find anything worthy in the book? Yes, though I will recommend the book with reservations. The Compassionate Self-Love Method (CSL) is in a way the opposite of the Law of Attraction which Mah indirectly but repeatedly bashes throughout the book. The goal of CSL is to embrace and love the parts of you that you don’t like rather than trying to wish them away through affirmations. To enact the CSL, one needs to:
On the surface, this is a perfectly legitimate way to heal deeply buried wounds. As Mah argues, our culture tends to run from our pain rather than facing it. I have healed many stored pains in my body by working with them rather than denying them. However, part of the approach Mah advocates perpetuates judgment and blame. For example, she writes, “Send love to the aspect of you that is a bad mother.” Instead I would advocate people try a kinder, gentler way to facing our pain. In my words, people should “Send love to the aspect of you that doesn’t always live up to the ideals you strive for. None of us are perfect, and all of us make decisions and errors as parents that we wish we could change. Love this part of you that is trying its best but doesn’t always reach perfection. It is not a bad part of you. It is simply an area of you that is working on growth.” This way one is not re-injuring and/or harming oneself by continuing to place negative external labels on parts that are inherent to us. I especially think that Mah missed the boat in terms of external labeling when she discusses terms like "whore" and "slut." Her female relatives called her by foreign equivalents of such names when she was eight years old. No eight year old child is a whore or a slut (and arguably no person should ever be called by those terms). If a child is sexually active at that age, it is likely rape, incest and/or sexual trauma. The child is not asking for sex because the child can not give consent. So as an adult, to go back and try to heal yourself by embracing the part of you that is a slut (Mah’s method) is very toxic. Instead, I would recommend embracing the part of you that loves sex and sexuality. That is a healthy aspect of all of us that society unfortunately shames in many instances. So when trying to rid oneself of that shame related to sexuality, embrace that you are sexual. You do love sex. But you are not the negative projection of sexuality that someone else forced upon you. That is their trouble, and you do not need to take it on or hold onto it. Love yourself for all your sexual decisions, even if you regret some of them, but don’t buy into other people’s judgments. I believe Embrace the Unlovable is a step in the right direction towards healing deep wounds that mainstream psychology is not always able to heal. However, the book still needs a lot of editing and improving and the method needs some revising before it will be of true benefit to most people. I hope Mah is able to find the mentor and editor she needs to make this good book into an amazing one. © 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC
One of our society’s common reactions to difficulties, struggles, and challenges is for people to respond, “At least….” So if you have had your foot amputated, a friend might tell you, “At least you didn’t lose your whole leg.” If you are struggling with finding a job, you might be told, “At least you still have a roof over your head.” If you were emotionally and sexually abused during a bad marriage, you might get told, “At least he didn’t beat you.” If you are suffering from health problems, you will very likely get the statement, “At least you don’t have cancer.” If you experienced the death of a baby, someone might respond, “At least you won’t have to raise a severely disabled child for the rest of your life.” (Yes, I did get the last two personally.)
On one hand, there’s an element of truth in these statements that could lead a person to issue gratitude for what they do have rather than what they do not have. However, all of the statements are judgmental and opinionated. They deem to know better than the struggling person what would be worse for that person. To me at the time of my daughter’s death, the prospect of raising a severely disabled child seemed far less daunting than facing a future with no child at all. Furthermore, this method of comparative trials can be devastating for those who are suffering with the “at least” situation. You may be telling your friend that they are blessed that their child died rather than ending up severely disabled, but what about all those who are raising severely disabled children? What is their comfort in this situation? What if someone has been physically abused? What about all of those people who do have cancer or who have lost multiple limbs or who are homeless? What does the “at least” statement that puts them in the worst case scenario do for their self-esteem, their confidence, and their motivation as they wrestle with difficult challenges in life? It also can seem that when someone creates purportedly worse scenarios, their examples actually downplay the suffering that people have endured. Trauma is trauma, and all of it is devastating to those who are undergoing it. While it might seem comforting to some to pretend there is a worse case scenario, the reality is that the person undergoing challenges doesn’t need to hear those comparisons. What they need to hear is support for them in their own struggles. They need to come to terms with what they are dealing with, not what someone else has endured. What they need is not to be unintentionally judged for not suffering enough to merit sympathy or empathy. The reality is that every human on this planet endures challenges and issues throughout their lives. Each of us has our own struggles, and each of us handles them differently. There really is that there is no better or worse when it comes to suffering. The reality is that the challenges we all endure are just different. The differences may lie in the type of trauma, the severity of the trauma, and the response of the individuals to the traumas. All of the various elements create unique situations. Each of the people involved must work through these struggles on their own but hopefully with a lot of support of those around them. As we work through these traumas, sometimes successfully and sometimes not, our souls grow and change. In my belief system, these are the struggles we are each meant to face to help us become the best people that we can be. One of the hardest comments I had to endure in my time of being homebound and mostly bedbound was the statement from clueless people that they would think their lives were challenging until they looked at mine and then realized how much worse it could be. (Yes, they said this to me directly.) These people made me into the the worst case “at least” scenario, and they used my suffering to bring themselves dysfunctional comfort about their own struggles. That doesn’t feel great when you are the one at the bottom of the heap. Rather than making such awkward and painful comments to those you know who are struggling, the best thing to say is “I’m sorry you are struggling.” Or grieving. Or hurting. Or fighting for your life. Whatever it is that the person is enduring that you wish they didn’t have to go through, tell them that you wish they weren’t undergoing such a difficult challenge. Then, if you really want to show your support, ask them what you can do to make their burdens lighter during their time of need. Those are the kind of friends people need when they are in crisis. © 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC
(This post is based on an Advance Reader Copy of Upside won through Goodreads’ First Reads program.)
As I read through Upside: The New Science of Post-Traumatic Growth by Jim Rendon, I had plenty of thoughts that didn’t necessarily fit in my official review of the book. The book certainly prompted some thinking and questioning on my part; I always appreciate it when a book stimulates my brain cells. Some of these questions I’m asking probably haven’t been answered by studies yet, so I can’t fault the author for not including things that don’t yet exist! The following are some of those thoughts shared in a rather random order. - It wasn’t until very late in Upside that a divorce was mentioned among the case studies of those who have undergone trauma. However, I suspect that this representation is not accurate. Chronic illness and PTSD were major contributions toward my divorce, and I know I’m not alone in that. I’d be curious as to what the actual divorce rate is among those who suffer from PTSD as well as what the divorce rate is among those who suffer from PTSD but have come to a place of positive growth. Further questioning would ask how many people saw their divorce as a part of their positive growth (as I definitely do). - As I read the chapter on family support, I questioned, “What about those who didn’t have family support?” I would like to see a study of how support for patients with cancer compares to those with other illnesses. Because Rendon focused on cancer, he may not be aware that other diseases actually can cause families to abandon loved ones. This certainly was my situation with extended family, and again, it was a contribution to the end of my marriage. In my experience with late disseminated Lyme disease which is legally diagnosed as fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, compassion and support was not overwhelming. In many cases, friends and extended family abandoned me and my family unit. One extended family member pointed out to me not so subtly that two other family members with type 1 diabetes and gallstones had REAL health problems (implying that mine were not significant, real and/or valid despite the fact that I was homebound and mostly bedbound at that point). - While Rendon completely failed to discuss the problems surround childbirth and infant loss as they apply to women, he did devote a chapter to a group of dads who have lost children. This is a rare perspective that is often ignored in our culture, and I appreciate that he shared this reality with the world. Too often, men’s grief is poorly processed and disregarded contributing to the ongoing problem in our society of men who are out of touch with their emotions including grief. - I felt like the chapter on religion and spirituality was one of the weakest. From what was written, I suspect that the author does not identify with religion or spirituality and may in fact be hostile towards them. I felt like he neglected the major differences between religion and spirituality, for they are two different things. It is very possible to be spiritual without being religious. I also wondered as I read the chapter how many people with PTSD experience a radical change in their beliefs or spirituality. In my life I went from being Catholic to being agnostic to experiencing PTSD and becoming highly spiritual without identifying with any religion (and in fact shunning most of them). I suspect I am not alone in this process of spiritual growth that is a part of personal growth with PTSD. This spiritual growth I experienced is a far different experience than someone becoming more vested in an established religion or turning to their pastor for counseling. - Rendon argues that support groups are instrumental in the personal growth of individuals because they allow those with PTSD to be with those “who get it.” On one hand this is very true. However, I am curious about the reality of support groups for a wider population. I actually found that the pessimism and negativity of many support groups were pulling me down and were impeding my personal growth. They weren’t “better-informed optimists” as Rendon writes. Instead, they were people filled with unhealthy attitudes, bitterness, and often ignorance. I switched to digest for many online groups to avoid reading the posts of the worst offenders; some groups I left altogether. The two health related in-person groups I tried attending, one for those who had lost a baby and one for those who were chemically sensitive, I quickly left because the energy in them was awful. My better-informed optimism did not fit there. Thus, I would be curious about studies that showed that support groups actually have an ability to hamper personal growth rather than assist it. My experiences show that this is a potential reality. - I cringed at the idea of 46 pills being a lot as Rendon dramatically presents when discussing a cancer patient. I currently take 14 Western medical pills per day plus 65 pill supplements, seven doses of liquid supplements, and a nebulizer treatment per day. At times my pill total has been well over 100 a day. This is what it has taken to get me functional and to continue to heal. I look forward to dropping back to “only” 46 pills and then the day when I need less than 20 per day to maintain my health. Again, if Rendon had talked to people with other health issues outside of cancer, his perspective would have been broadened and enlightened in many ways. - Rendon has an implicit (and very valid in my opinion) judgment of how deficient psychological treatment is for soldiers and vets with PTSD. He also notes how others involved in other traumas also received very little or no psychotherapy as part of their recovery processes. It would be great to see what the studies show about why this happens other than the lack of funding for mental health care that is an endemic problem in our nation. - I appreciated the way Rendon approached the topic of “gratitude as a way of life.” As I’ve noted in another blog post, gratitude is the only way I got through many days when my illness was at its worst. I think most people who have not undergone a major trauma understand what gratitude really is and what it can do for us. - The chapter on activity and exercise as healing was very frustrating to me. I think this is a concept that is fairly well understood in our society as almost all less-than-informed healthcare practitioners I have worked with over the years have pushed exercise as one of the main solutions to healing. However, there is an important distinction between using exercise during a time of hellish illness and using it after one has regained significant health. Rendon discusses women who have survived breast cancer and now row together; he mentions but does not dwell on the fact that they could not have done this kind of activity when they were in the worst phases of their treatment. That distinction is very important for those undergoing health trauma because the overwhelming pressure to exercise when they are too sick to do so can be very emotionally defeating. As someone whose Lyme disease has caused chronic fatigue syndrome, I have had to deal with the conflict that exercise can actually cause more damage than good a great deal of the time, and our society does not seem to understand that because it is so pro-exercise as the cure to all that ails you. - I really loved that Rendon stressed the importance of not pushing post-traumatic growth on those with PTSD. This book would have been devastating to read in the worst years of my illness; I was not ready to hear its message. I definitely would not give the book to someone who was at a point when they were at rock bottom. The lesson of “bitter blessings” is one that each person has to come to individually on their own time. - When discussing one person who has survived brain cancer, Rendon reveals the very unhealthy brave face platitudes that are a very problematic part of emotional health in our society. However, Rendon doesn't expand on the problem that "the brave face" ideology creates in relation to PTSD. Rendon writes, “[The patient with brain cancer] maintained a brave face, but beneath it all he was terrified. ‘He never once said, “This really sucks,”’ said [his best friend]. ‘But you could see it in his eyes, you could see him thinking, Holy heck what am I going to do?’” Society expects those with chronic illness to hide behind those brave faces. They’re expected not to show the pain they’re in or the suffering they’re enduring. If they do show that illness, that fear, that pain, that loss, then they risk losing those around them who are unwilling or unable to deal with the realities of health challenges including the possibility of death. This only contributes to the issues surrounding PTSD when one is expected to put on a brave face but is actually falling apart inside. - I would be curious to see studies about those who manage to achieve positive post-traumatic growth without most of the key items that Rendon cites as contributory factors. I am someone who is lacking in extended family support. I was isolated and alone because of my chemical sensitivities. I was the person whom others looked at and said, “It doesn’t get much worse than that.” Yet somehow I have grown in ways I never would have believed possible. I wonder how other characteristics such as personality and intelligence factor in for those whom growth seemed to be unlikely to happen even according to the standards Rendon establishes. - Finally, in the last paragraphs of Upside, Rendon writes, “And given that they came so close to death, that they lost so many things they once took for granted, they understand on a much deeper level, in a much more informed way, what it means to be alive.” This association of PTSD with facing death is a flawed one, and it’s something that contributes to a large portion of people enduring PTSD not seeking appropriate help in my opinion. Our society erroneously interprets PTSD to mean former soldiers or those whose lives were endangered. Yet as Rendon demonstrates throughout the book, for many people, PTSD does not result from a life threatening event. I would have added a clause to this sentence about how “some have come so close to death.” (I do have another upcoming blog post motivated by Upside that I will link to once it publishes.) © 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC
Since I started dealing with late disseminated Lyme disease over twelve years ago, I have had to nap almost every day. It's not an option for me to stay awake: my body shuts down every afternoon whether I want to keep going or not. There is nothing I can do to stop it. By 3 pm every day, if I haven't gotten a nap, I may be curled up on the floor in an office building somewhere because I can't force myself to move another step. Most days I fall asleep at 1 or 2, but some days I don't even make it to 11 or 12 before I absolutely must nap. It's like the baby who falls asleep in his high chair at the dinner table: nothing can stop sleep when it hits hard.
One of the crueler things that people unintentionally say to me surrounding my illness is that I am "so lucky" to get to take a nap daily or how they wish they could take a nap as often as I do. While I understand what they are saying about craving more sleep, what they are actually saying is coming from a place of ignorance about my health issues and their true impact. I've even had others with chronic fatigue syndrome or late disseminated Lyme disease tell me to just skip a nap on a certain day in order to attend an event. Clearly their health issues do not come with the same severity of restriction that mine do. The problem with napping daily is that it really interferes with life. I can't easily book appointments in the afternoon. I can't do social activities in the afternoon. I have to book in my daily nap. I sleep 2-4 hours in the afternoon (usually 2), and then I will sleep another 8-10 hours at night (usually 8-9). That means I am sleeping 10-13 hours per day compared to the average adult who needs 7-9 hours but gets less than 7. One can quickly see that means that I have 3-6 less waking hours per day than the average adult which adds up to 21-42 hours a week. That's as much as a part-time or full-time job! Thus, it's very difficult for me to respond politely to those who make comments about how they wish they could nap as often as I do. I almost always reply that I wish it wasn't a requirement for me but my health necessitates it. Most people realize at that point that they have really stuck their feet in their mouths and backpedal with awkward comments about how they know I have health problems but they still wish they could get more sleep. It's one of those conversations that I know will never end well. Thus, if I can not meet your requests for a mid-afternoon appointment time, please know that it is not for a lack of wanting to be able to help you at that hour. It's simple biological reality for me that I will be asleep at that time. I currently do book late afternoon, weekend and evening appointments on occasion to help clients who are also limited in their scheduling availability. I look forward to the day, though, when I can give up my naps and I am able to work a 9-5 day just like the majority of the population. © 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC
I frequently see blog posts singing the praises of being single. They often have a tone to them that if one spends enough time being single, one will learn to embrace it and love it. I don’t believe that’s always true.
I started dating my ex-husband when I was 14 years 8 months and a sophomore in high school. We were married right before I turned 20. For all practical purposes, until we separated four years ago, I had been in a relationship for the entirety of my adult life. While we dated long distance when we were in college before we married, there was still a commitment and there were frequent phone calls and emails. I lived with roommates in college and housemates in my first year of grad school, so I’d never really lived on my own as an adult either. Throughout my adult life, I’ve had many people express dismay to me about how I would regret not having that "alone time" as an adult in my twenties. Despite their arrogant and self-certain proclamations, it turns out they were wrong about me. The reality of it all after three years of living on my own part-time (and living with my kids the other 50% of the time) is that I don’t really like being single and living alone. I am the type of person who prefers to be in a relationship. While the time to focus on just me and not on a relationship with a partner has been beneficial, the experience of being single and living alone as an adult is completely overrated for me. That doesn’t mean it’s not perfect for someone else. When we separated, my ex-husband was *very* excited to have his own house and his own living space without a partner to share it with. In his ideal scenario at that time, he wanted a romantic interest who didn’t want to actually live with him. We’re pretty much opposites in this regard. My time alone has taught me that the truism is right that it is far better to be single than to be in a toxic relationship. I spent far too much of my metaphysical energy shielding against my ex-husband’s negativity when we lived together. Yet despite being grateful to no longer need to face that problem, there are other things I miss about living with a partner. Even though I am an introvert, I like having someone around whom I can talk to and bounce ideas off of. I enjoy eating with someone else rather than alone. I like cooking for my partner. I hate being the only mature adult in the house who can take care of problems that erupt. I’ve learned that I can deal with the roaches when they need to be relocated from the house even though I don’t like doing it. I’ve learned I can’t fix the garage door on my own when it decides to quit working (thank heavens for repair people!). On a deeper level, I have always known that I am a self-sufficient person. I've always been self-confident about whom I am. I've never believed that I needed a man to make me a good person or even an acceptable person in society's eyes. The dysfuctional situation I grew up in as a child taught me quickly how to take care of myself, physically and emotionally, so I didn't need this alone time as an adult to learn those things, though I can understand why many people do. I am grateful that I didn’t end up in a relationship right after my marriage ended so that I could do a great deal of deep healing that most people never give themselves the time and opportunity to do. As a result, the partner whom I am looking for now is completely different than the one I thought I wanted four years ago. Yet despite the assertions of many others on the internet and in real life, the time I have spent alone has not taught me to love being single. It’s helped me confirm that I am a partnering type of person. © 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC
(I am reviewing an Advance Reader Copy of this book won through Goodreads’ First Reads program.)
I came to Upside: The New Science of Post-Traumatic Growth by Jim Rendon as a woman who has endured PTSD caused by multiple sources: abuse, childbirth, health trauma, and if you believe in past lives, World War II. I have been able to achieve major healing with most of my wounds through alternative therapies; conventional therapy was only serving to retraumatize me. Yet as someone with a Ph.D., I have a great deal of respect for science and the advances it can help bring. Rendon's work questions why so many people who have endured traumas and PTSD are able to come to a place of positive growth through examining the influence of personal narratives, community support, honest communication, optimistic thinking, religion, creative outlets, physical exercise, fellow sufferers, and therapy. The studies and examples Rendon cites demonstrate that these factors can all contribute to a lifelong positive change. Rendon’s work is firmly grounded in scientific studies which demonstrate how trauma can lead to growth. The book is well-researched, fluently integrated and easy to read. Rendon’s writing style makes academia accessible to the general public. Despite the heavy topic, I breezed through Upside much quicker than I read most nonfiction books. The stories Rendon relates about others who have suffered traumas are painful to read, but only one was horrifying to me because of the explicit violence it contains. (For those who are highly sensitive like me, I recommend skipping the details in the last chapter on Jake Harriman's trauma, an event that occurred in the war in Iraq.) Rendon was drawn to the topic of post-traumatic growth because his father was a Holocaust survivor; he makes no indication of having endured major trauma in his own life either explicitly or implicitly. There were times where I felt his text would have benefited from an extra reading and feedback before publication by those who have lived through trauma themselves because Rendon’s perspective sometimes doesn’t quite grasp the full reality. However, for the most part, Rendon does an excellent job of vividly relating the pain and the growth that his subjects experienced. He also gives one of the best summaries I’ve read about how PTSD creates a hypersensitive response in individuals whose “fight or flight” response is perpetually in overdrive. The first few chapters of the book could be incredibly helpful to someone trying to understand their loved one’s new reactions to the world. If one were to survey the trauma-inducing events that Rendon discusses in detail, one would conclude that trauma is caused by cancer, accidents, warfare, and natural disasters. I realize that Rendon had limited space in his book, but he chose to relate cancer patient after cancer patient’s experience. This is typical of our culture which actually creates additional trauma for those who aren’t enduring cancer: they are second class citizens in the world of medical trauma. This blog post discusses how Lyme patients like me are abandoned by friends and medical practitioners in their search for health while simultaneously being told, “At least it isn’t cancer.” By not addressing other illnesses beyond cancer and accidents, Rendon contributes to the cultural mythologies of what illnesses “should” look like. My largest complaint about Upside is that it contains a blatant disregard for women’s traumas. It was not until chapter five that Rendon discussed a female case study; from there on, women were mentioned fairly regularly in the book. However, Rendon does not discuss a single case of rape, sexual harassment, or abuse in detail. These are major causes of trauma, but they are barely mentioned in passing and there are no specific examples of them in the text. Most frustrating to me was how Rendon described trauma from childbirth: “People can be traumatized from the happiest of situations: childbirth.” While on one level this is a true statement, on another level it shows a total lack of understanding for the epidemic proportioned reality of what most women still endure during childbirth in our nation. There are two primary times when no doesn’t mean no: when a woman is being raped or when she is in labor. Had Rendon taken the time to talk with women who have experienced what is known as “birth rape” in some circles or tbose who have lost their babies, he would not have made such a flippant comment about the joy of childbirth, and the trauma around childbirth would likely have merited more than a few brief paragraphs in this work. I will definitely recommend Upside to many clients, primarily the family members and friends of those enduring traumas around war, cancer, or accidents. I will also recommend it to individuals who, as Rendon notes in the text, have already come to the recognition on their own that their traumas can serve for positive growth. The book would serve well in a college classroom of psychology, medical, nursing or social work students trying to begin to understand trauma. However, for those who are dealing with childbirth trauma, rape, or abuse, Upside is not necessarily the best place to find information about healing. © 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC |
Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D.
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