The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is a very popular book in spiritual circles, so much so that I could list all of the four agreements long before I read the book.  However, I felt that I should actually read this seminal work so that I could truly understand its meaning.

Ruiz presents the Toltec belief system around suffering and happiness in the world.  It argues that from the moment we are born, we begin making agreements with other people whether we actually want to or not. Our language is one of the first agreements: We have to share belief in the definitions of words in order to communicate.  We have to agree on social behaviors in order for society to function.  However, not all of the agreements we sign up for are healthy.  These are the agreements we make that shatter our self-esteem and our happiness.  They are the ones that teach us to judge ourselves and others harshly.

In order to break away from those beliefs, Ruiz presents four agreements which he argues will change one’s life if one is able to follow them.  The four agreements are:

Following these four agreements, one is able to slowly change one’s visions and beliefs.  One can break away from judgment, hatred, lies, and fear.  Instead, one can be reborn into a life based in love.

By being impeccable with one’s word, Ruiz is not just asking us to be truthful or to avoid lies.  Instead, Ruiz believes that our words create our entire world.  They are how we manifest positivity and negativity.  By being impeccable with our word, one will be able to “take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself” (31).  Being impeccable means that we no longer call others derogatory terms because those words only reflect on who we are:  We will express ourselves in love instead of hate.  This is a challenge for most of us because the world we live in promotes both gossip against others and self-hatred. 

Not taking anything personally is a clear idea though one that is hard to put into practice for many.  When someone yells at us, we judge ourselves and believe we have done something wrong.  Instead, we should believe that they are yelling at us because of their issues and their upbringing.  The way they treat us reflects more on them than us.  Thus, we should not take their actions personally.  This agreement can help heal old wounds by helping us to rewrite history under a new lens.  By understand that people’s insults are based on their own insecurities, such as someone insecure in their own appearance attacking our appearance, then we can understand that the pain we took on actually belonged to someone else.  Enacting this agreement can eliminate a huge amount of suffering that we create for ourselves.

Assumptions are a part of our lives, and unfortunately, they undermine communication and relationships.  As Ruiz argues, if we have the confidence to stop making assumptions and to ask questions, our world will change.  Even if we are dealing with someone we have known for twenty years, we should never assume that they know what we want.  We need to be clear in our desires so that no one has a chance to make faulty assumptions.  Likewise, we need to ask others what they need so that we don’t make faulty assumptions either.  The saying “to assume just makes an ass out of u and me” holds true in this agreement.

Finally, Ruiz states that we should always do our best, though he is clear that our best will always be changing.  On the days we are sick or weak, our best won’t be as strong as it is on our healthy days.  That doesn’t mean that we should give anything less than our all, though.  However, it also does not mean that we should overdo it.  Furthermore, Ruiz believes that once we begin to do our best, we will be happier because we are no longer working for rewards.  We are working to do what makes us happy instead.

Ruiz states, “[The four agreements are] so simple and logical that even a child can understand them” (88).  He’s right, and that is one of my complaints about this book.  It is very simply written in many places.  It can also be unnecessarily repetitive.  The English teacher in me wanted to pull out a red pen to edit it down; this short pocket book of only 140 pages could have been far less than 100 and still been as successful. 

I also found Ruiz’s views a bit narrow at times.  His concepts about childhood presume that a child is not raised in an abusive home and that every child is loved and cared for properly.  That’s unfortunately not true.  Even by the tender age of two, some children have already taken on emotional, spiritual, and physical responsibilities in dysfunctional homes in order to protect themselves.  Furthermore, I think that Ruiz’s beliefs that positive visions can create anything are overly idealized.  While we can create our own happiness, we cannot visualize anything into being.  No matter how hard I try and how much I visualize it, I will never be a six foot tall runway model in this lifetime.  However, I can find happiness in my body as it is.  I just will have to find another career to enjoy. I also strongly disagree with Ruiz’s perspective on mental illness; I could fill an entire post just on that topic.

Despite the weak editing and its differences in view from my own beliefs, The Four Agreements is a book that has changed many lives and has the potential to change many more.  If you are looking to find a way to be happier in your life, especially if you are in a situation that seems impossible, this book could provide the foundation for you to work from.  I also think it could provide a great platform for couple’s counseling for partners who find that communication and compatibility have disappeared from their relationship.

© 2015 Green Heart Guidance, LLC

Earlier in my life journey, I briefly worked with a therapist who introduced me to the world of holistic spiritual healing.  She wasn’t the right therapist for me, but I am grateful for her pointing me in the direction I needed to go in life, and working with her helped me to end up with the right therapist in the long run. Anyway, this short term therapist wanted me to do a soul retrieval ceremony with a shaman.  When she made that suggestion to me, I had no idea what she was talking about, and I had a bit of an internal freak out.  The visions going through my head were similar to the beautiful photos in this article. (Trigger warning: There is an animal slaughter included in the pictures.)  To put it simply, that was just not my thing, and it was too radical of a concept for me to handle at that point.

So what is a shaman?  Simply put, a shaman is a traditional healer who likely works with herbs, spiritual guidance, music, trances, and other natural means.  All shamans work with greater powers beyond themselves.  Some might refer to a shaman as a medicine man or woman.  Shamans work with ways of accessing healing energy that are far outside our ideas of mainstream healing in modern America. 

There is no one exact way to be a shaman:  The roles and rituals of shamans vary greatly across cultures.  Their methods may seem primitive or they may seem incredibly advanced and gifted depending on one’s individual perspective.  Being a shaman runs in families, but it’s a vocation, not a hereditary position in most cultures.  You don’t choose shamanism.  It chooses you.  There is usually extensive training and initiation within each culture in order to become a shaman.

I consider myself to be a modern day shamanic practitioner, and if I’m forced to put down a category for my religious preference, I indicate shamanism.  Shamanism is actually a broad term that includes many different practices just as Christianity encompasses many different beliefs and variations.  Shamanism also falls under the even broader category of paganism.

Contrary to what Barbara Tedlock, Ph.D, describes of other cultures in The Woman in the Shaman's Body: Reclaiming the Feminine in Religion and Medicine, most healthy shamans in modern America do not use trickery.  Drugs, mushrooms, or other hallucinogenic substances are also not required:  Those substances are rarely if ever needed though that is not a belief held in other many cultures.  Shamanism in America today is about availing oneself of the assistance of higher powers, about pursuing natural healing, about working with the mind-body-spirit connection, and about bringing humans into alignment with themselves, their culture, and their planet.

I don’t own a fancy headdress.  I definitely don’t slaughter animals or don’t make sacrifices on altars. I don’t even paint my face with everyday makeup.  In many ways, I look like an average American woman.  Yet I consider myself blessed to be a shamanic practitioner and to be able to help others with healing using the mind-body-spirit connection, the assistance of higher powers, and the resources of Mother Earth.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance, LLC 

There’s a saying about how all people put their pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of us.  It’s a reminder that those in positions of power or fame aren’t really superbeings.  They are human, too.  One of my pet peeves is when people put priests, nuns, religious brothers, ministers, gurus and other church officials onto pedestals.  Based on my previous experiences in life, I believe that is a mistake.  Many of the shepherds are no more holy than the rest of us sheep.  They just happen to be our religious leaders.

During graduate school, I lived with nuns and brothers and other lay people in a large Victorian house.  There also were other priests and nuns who resided in the neighboring houses which were also owned by the department.  As most of us know from roommate and partner experiences, living with someone is the quickest way to learn about their faults and flaws.   After living with members of religious communities who were on sabbatical and working on advanced degrees, I was 100% certain they were human.  Many of them were wonderful people, but they were far from perfect and certainly did not deserve to be viewed as “better” than average person.  The shared bathroom issues with one of my housemate nuns were enough to clarify that point rather quickly! 

Later in my life, I worked as the office person for a liberal church. The senior minister was definitely a flawed human being and a rather unpleasant colleague.  I suspect he was having an extramarital affair without his wife’s knowledge or consent.  He was also accused by some of the members of the board of allegedly committing acts that if they’d pursued would have been felonies.  The assistant minister also was a challenging co-worker.  She seemed to believe that laws and rules were things that were only meant to be followed when they were convenient for her.  Her narcissism was difficult to work with, especially since she was in a role which was based on helping others.  Needless to say, I found that environment hard to work in.

In the same way, non-denominational spiritual leaders and gurus are very much human.  I've seen many spiritual leaders who lead highly toxic lives, some allegedly even committing crimes, yet they feel free to dispense advice to others on how to live.  They are not perfect, and just like the rest of us, they are struggling to learn sometimes difficult lessons in their lives.  Assuming that they are holy and trustworthy simply because of their job or vocation can be a major mistake.

Before you put anyone on a pedestal, nonetheless a religious or spiritual leader, remember that they are human, too.  They are just as likely to err as the rest of us.  Recognizing that religious leaders are no different than any other humans will help correct some of the imbalanced social privileges afforded to these religious leaders.  It can also help individuals to think on their own rather than blindly following religious and spiritual leaders who may not always be speaking from a place of divine truth.

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance

Recently, my kids and I were watching Sister Act for their first time.  While my kids are all baptized Catholic, we have not raised them as Catholics as my ex-husband and I both grew away from the Catholic religion.  As a result, our kids aren’t very educated about Catholicism.  They know some of the basics, but they don’t have the benefits of the cultural education I gained from growing up Catholic.

At one point, Mother Superior (Maggie Smith) shows Dolores/Sister Mary Clarence (Whoopi Goldberg) her “cell,” a.k.a. her room.  Dolores begins complaining violently about how sparse the room is.  I told my kids that the room was pretty accurate for a convent.  My kids just looked at me like I was nuts.  They asked how I would know, and I told them I had spent the night in a convent.  This caused the movie to get paused as my one son asked, “What? Was this some kind of field trip?”  I explained that there was a convent attached to the Catholic school where I went and that I ended up spending a night there. 

The longer story is that when I was in high school, there was a campus ministry sponsored “fastathon” in my freshman and sophomore years during Lent.  The goal was to bring about awareness of global hunger and to raise funds for a food related charity by getting sponsors.  It was basically a 36-48 hour juice fast.  My freshman year, there was a group of about five of us who participated (out of about 225 students total in the high school).  We spent the night at the school, and after dark, we went running shoeless through the unlit hallways.  It was exhilarating event and a priceless memory. :)

My sophomore year, I was the only one who elected to stay at the school while others participated from home due to other social activities.  Since it was just me, I ended up spending the night in the convent with the nun who was sponsoring the activity.  I got to follow the nuns about for their daily activities on the weekend including attending the various matins, vespers, etc.  I also got to see parts of the building that most students never got to see in all their years at the school.  It was an interesting experience, but not one that gave me any desire to join a convent for life, especially since I was already dating my future husband at that point.

I also took a nun with me when I went shopping for my honeymoon lingerie, but as they say, that is another story!

© 2014 Green Heart Guidance