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"Divorcing" Narcissistic Parents

5/21/2015

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During grad school and while my older children were young, I watched very little tv. I had no real need for it in my life. Yet in the days after 9/11, I left the tv on more than I had previously. In that time, I stumbled upon Crossing Over with John Edward, a show in which psychic medium John Edward gave gallery readings for those who were wanting to reach loved ones who had died. I was captivated by the show, but I hid my viewing habits from my then-husband because I knew he would ridicule such things.

Many years later, I better understood my attraction to Crossing Over as my metaphysical gifts came to fruition. As I started to develop my gifts, I wanted desperately to read John Edward’s books, but because of my multiple chemical sensitivities, I could not read the paper versions and there were no digital editions available. I bought the paperback books and put them on my shelf, waiting for the day when I had enough health to read them. Eventually that day came, and over a few weeks, I happily read through most of his Edward’s non-fiction works. They were easy, fun, enjoyable books for me.

As I read through the books, I quickly recognized that Edward’s dysfunctional father was both an alcoholic and a narcissist; as a result, Edward was mostly estranged from his father as an adult. I understood completely from personal experience how and why that narcissism can create a situation in which it’s best for the child to separate from the toxic parent. It’s a very difficult situation for the adult children involved. Our society does not support this kind of “divorce” between a parent and child. Instead, adult children are chided for breaking the Judeo-Christian commandment “honor thy father and mother.” However, in situations where the converse of “honor thy child” is not being respected, a parental-child divorce can be the healthiest thing for all those involved.

My mother undeniably has narcissistic personality disorder, though for the almost 17 years she was in my life, she never received an official diagnosis. It’s rare for narcissists to receive diagnoses because they are often able to present themselves very well to strangers. It is only in living with narcissists or working extensively with them that their true natures are revealed. I have dozens if not hundreds of stories that typify my mother’s narcissism though for the purposes of this blog post, one will suffice.

After my daughter Rebecca died, we received abundant condolence cards for the month afterward. About eight weeks after her death, a card arrived from my mother, whom I had not had any contact with in over seven years at that point. I had not informed her of my pregnancy or my daughter’s death, but we still had common contacts; she likely found out through one of those channels. Unlike most people who sent us bereavement cards, my mother sent me (and not my husband) a card that was about how wonderful daughters are. To someone who doesn’t understand narcissism or my mother, this would seem like a cruel and demented sentiment: I had just lost my only daughter (at that time) to death, yet my mother had sent me a card telling me how wonderful daughters are. However, if you analyze the situation with the knowledge that my mother is a narcissist, the situation makes a great deal more sense: She was only thinking from her point of view. She was trying to express emotion about my loss, but the only way she could do it was by vocalizing her position: She missed her daughter. She couldn’t think through the whole process that I had actually lost my own daughter and that her card was incredibly inconsiderate of that.

For years, many people had told me that I would regret my estrangement from my mother when she died. I would suddenly realize that it was too late for us to work through our differences. There would be no second chance. But as I read chapter 11 of John Edward’s book After Life: Answers from the Other Side, I found a very different perspective. Edward discovered that he was actually able to begin working through his issues with his father after his father’s death once his father was freed from some of his earthly burdens such as alcoholism. While Edward clearly encourages that people should “communicate, appreciate, validate" every day before they lose their loved ones, he does offer hope that reconciliation can happen after death. Working from that place, I finally came to true peace with estrangement from my mother. I realized that even when she dies, I don’t expect to grieve for her. I may once again grieve for the healthy mother whom I never experienced, but I know I will be fine whether she is in this world or the next. I’ve spent many hundred years attached to her soul, and I no longer have any desire to be associated with her. Losing her in no way seems like a loss.

My mother’s parents have both come to visit me from the other side. I never met my grandfather in real life as he died ten years before I was born; my grandmother died when I was 17. Interacting with them after I opened to the metaphysical helped me to understand that while they might have shed burdens such as alcoholism, unless they choose to work on their souls after death, they still carry their soul level issues with them. Neither of my maternal grandparents had done extensive work on themselves, and thus, interacting with them was not inspiring or sentimental. They were very spiritually unhealthy people whom I didn’t want to have around. Quite honestly, if my mother takes the same position of not working on herself after death as her parents have, I definitely don’t want to get back in touch with her then either!

I am grateful for the peace I have reached with being estranged from my toxic mother. I have known from early on that it was for the best, but our society doesn’t always understand that. Instead, mother-daughter relationships are glorified in a way that isn’t always true. While I didn’t receive that love as a daughter, I have been able to experience it as a mother with my living daughter, and for that blessing, I am truly grateful.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance

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I Close My Eyes

5/20/2015

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I shut my eyes in order to see. ~Paul Gauguin
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Healers and Singular Views

5/20/2015

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Healers and Singular Views by Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D.
In a famous tale, the poet Rumi writes of blinded people describing an elephant:

Some Hindus have an elephant to show.
No one here has ever seen an elephant.
They bring it at night to a dark room.
One by one, we go in the dark and come out
saying how we experience the animal.
One of us happens to touch the trunk.
"A water-pipe kind of creature."
Another, the ear. "A very strong, always moving
back and forth, fan-animal."
Another, the leg. "I find it still,
like a column on a temple."
Another touches the curved back.
"A leathery throne."
Another, the cleverest, feels the tusk.
"A rounded sword made of porcelain."
He's proud of his description.
Each of us touches one place
and understands the whole in that way.
The palm and the fingers feeling in the dark are
how the senses explore the reality of the elephant.
If each of us held a candle there,
and if we went in together,
we could see it.
(translated by Coleman Barks)

There are many different situations which this tale could be metaphorically applied to. The one which I have felt it is most appropriate to of late is the singular views of many healers. More often than not, this applies to new healers or young healers, but I’ve seen it in healers who are well-established in their calling, too. The healers end up believing that their ways are the only ways. They forget that there are many modalities to treat different issues; that variety is valid and can be necessary. For instance, if one is having pain in one’s knees due to Lyme, one can approach that pain through physical therapy, massage, meditation, spiritual healing, acupuncture, herbs, drugs, and chiropractic work. A combination of the methods is more likely to provide relief, and for different patients, different methods will be the most effective approach. By only looking at one solution, or metaphorically, one part of the elephant, healers and patients can miss the bigger picture.

However, many providers forget this truth because they are working from a place of ego. They forget that they are just one instrument in an orchestra. While each instrument can play beautiful solos, some songs can’t be played without the whole orchestra working together. So too are the truths of healing. No one approach is the solution to everything. Most patients with chronic or long-term illnesses can attest to this. Most have tried many different methodologies to find what works best for them. Along my healing journey, I have used to different practitioners with varying successes for acupuncture, aromatherapy, Bodytalk, chiropractic, craniosacral therapy, EFT, energy work, herbs, homeopathy, manual lymph drainage, massage, naturopathy, osteopathy, reflexology, spiritual healing, talk therapy, Western medicine, yoga, and more. Some of these have worked far better than others in helping me, yet other patients find better success with some of the very things that didn’t help me much at all.

It is also really important to remember that different practitioners will have different skills and abilities in their fields. Yo-Yo Ma can make a cello sing; but a fifth grader in the first year of cello lessons can produce some terrifying sounds from the same instrument. Likewise, a gifted and well-trained healer will be able to produce great healing whereas a brand new or weak healer may not be able to achieve the same results. I have seen nine different chiropractors over the course of my illness, and I would say that three were fabulous, five were good, and one was terrible (despite having practiced for 20+ years). The one whom I thought was terrible has a great reputation among his patients, so clearly he is the right healer for other people. He just wasn’t skilled in the correct areas to help me. If one practitioner doesn’t work for you, consider trying another before writing off the entire method of healing.

One of the things that I consider a large part of my business is referring clients to other healers. I am not the end-all solution to anyone’s major health issues. For starters, I can’t practice medicine, so my patients will need a doctor, chiropractor, naturopath, or other healer to help them with any messages I receive that involve physical healing. If Austin-based clients are not already working with an appropriate healer, I’m happy to refer them to someone who can assist. I also refer clients to practitioners for psychotherapy, bodywork and more. I strongly believe it takes a team to heal a major illness.

If you encounter a practitioner who downplays the other methods you use for healing, please reflect on why that practitioner is trying to stop you from using other modalities. If the practitioner has a genuine fear that you might be hurt by an inadequate practitioner or dangerous practice, that is one thing. However, if the practitioner wants to be your magic cure, you may want to consider if they are trying to heal from a place of ego. If they are, you might have better success working with a healer who recognizes they are one instrument of healing within a powerful and talented orchestra.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

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Which Bridge to Cross

5/19/2015

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The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn. ~David Russell
the Pennybacker Bridge, Austin, Texas
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Million Dollar Idea

5/19/2015

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Million Dollar Idea by Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D. (The physical process of giving urine samples for testing is based on a standard of the male body being the norm.)Good luck, ladies!
In our world, the default standards are often based on the male perspective being the norm. Women and their bodies are somehow expected to conform to ideals that are biologically impossible. One great example of this can be found in the all too common process of peeing in a cup. I would venture to guess that women’s urine gets analyzed far more often than men’s because women are eight times more likely than men to get a urinary tract infection (UTI), and it’s rare for a man under the age of fifty to experience a UTI. In addition, women have their urine checked at every maternity appointment. I’d guess I had my urine tested at least ten times in each pregnancy. My ex-husband had to be drug tested before each new job he took, but aside from that, I don’t think he’s had other urine testing done on him more than a few other times in his entire life. That total is less than the number of times I was tested in just one pregnancy, and I’ve had three pregnancies!

Despite the fact that many women have to pee in a cup regularly for testing, the standard design of a urinalysis cup is not ideal for women. It’s designed for men whose penises can easily be directed into the cup with little to no mess. For women who sit while they pee, the process is not as easy. Trying to aim into something you can’t see and which isn’t wide enough to catch a stream that may flow in any direction depending upon the exact angle of the woman’s body is very difficult. Furthermore, for an obese woman, her arms aren’t quite long enough. Trying to hold the cup beneath one’s urethra is a physical struggle that contributes to the mess.

It seems like someone should have solved this problem long ago. While someone did design the Go-Girl for women to use in situations such as road trips to allow women to easily pee while standing up, it seems like there has to be a better solution for giving urine samples. Holding the patent for whatever device gets designed has to be a million dollar idea. So with all the useless innovations that have flooded the market, why is there still no easy, clean,affordable, and sanitary solution to assist women in easily giving a urine sample? I look forward to the day when peeing in a cup is a simple process rather than a body-bending challenge for women!

(For those who are ever attentive to detail, that is actually a stool specimen container pictured above. I didn't have a slightly larger urine one available to photograph.)

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

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A Great Big Canvas

5/18/2015

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Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint you can on it. ~Danny Kaye
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The Bachelor and the Love Guru

5/18/2015

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The Bachelor and the Love Guru by Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D.
Tonight, ABC will be premiering the 11thseason of The Bachelorette, and yes, I will be watching along with my Bachelorette buddy in New York. However, I’ve still got one more post in me about the last season of The Bachelor with Prince Farming (Chris Soules) that I’d like to put out there. In episode 5, Chris took contestant Carly (who lists mascara and a curling iron up there with God in a list of things she can't live without) with him to see a self-proclaimed love guru named Tziporah for their first one-on-one date. This definitely was an interesting choice for a first date and not an adventure that most would have chosen. However, in contrast to the superficial nature of most of the dates on The Bachelor, I was actually really floored by the beginning of the session which I thought was amazingly deep and productive.

The love guru session was one which forced those participating to open up to each other in deep and meaningful ways. However, as Chris notes in his blog post, “I knew from the moment that I walked in and saw Tziporah that things were about to get weird.” That is because in our culture, anything associated with the metaphysical, many Eastern cultures, or even anything slightly outside the mainstream is immediately and unfortunately branded as “weird.” Our modern American culture has taught us to be closed-minded about anything out of our ordinary reality. A healthier attitude upon entering this situation might have been, “Wow. This looks really different than what I’m used to. I wonder what I can learn from this new experience.” Just as the various dates on The Bachelor/ette which involve jumping off of buildings or scaling high cliffs are seen as challenges to do something intimidating, different, and scary, so too could all new experiences be seen as something challenging to experience. However, the immediate reaction in this case of Chris and many others was to immediately brand this opportunity as “weird.”

The session with Tziporah began innocently enough with deep breathing exercises; these are used to ground and center oneself. It’s a great way to bring one's self into the present moment and to focus on the events at hand. However, even that was too far out of an experience for Chris as he claimed in his blog post about the session that he was ready to “pass out” from just breathing! Then, in the edited portions we saw, the love guru began having Carly and Chris engage in exercises to strengthen their intimacy and their non-verbal communication. As I watched the session play out, I definitely thought it would be a very awkward date to have on national television, but if I guy I already knew and had feelings for were to suggest a date like the beginning of this one, it would actually increase my admiration for him. The goals of this session were to build a deeper relationship that wasn’t just built on physical and sexual chemistry, though those still played a large part of the relationship building. A man seeking to connect on these deeper levels isn’t just looking for a one-night stand in a lot of cases: He wants his romantic relationships to be part of his personal growth.

I did agree with the rest of the nation that the date became very awkward at the end as shown in the third video of the segments linked below (click through the first to get to the second and third). At that point, the love guru transformed into a sex guru, and she was asking the couple to do things that were completely inappropriate for an early date on national television. However, for an already established couple looking to expand their relationship, the things she was suggesting were likely helpful. The context and timing was just completely wrong.

I wish the contestants on the show and the nation at large had been more open to a relationship being developed on physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual/energetic levels. Too often, the relationships on these dating shows are built on superficial sexual chemistry; it’s why they are doomed to failure fairly rapidly after the show ends. That’s not an uncommon reality in the dating world from what I’ve been able to assess, too: Physical appearances are what matter the most. When our society begins to open its collective mind to the idea that relationships need to be built on deep intimacy and spiritual connections, our dating world will change radically, and society will look radically different.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

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Harmony in Your Life

5/17/2015

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It’s not possible to think one thing and live another. If you want harmony in your life, you must have harmony in your thoughts. ~James Van Praagh, Adventures of the Soul
photo taken at The University of Texas-Austin
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Long Distance Relationships

5/17/2015

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Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair. ~William Cowper

In episode 9, season 2 of The Carrie Diaries, Carrie and her boyfriend Sebastian briefly enter into a long distance relationship. Carrie’s boss Larissa (who has just declared her love for her engagement ring to be greater than her love for her fianc
é) discusses long distance relationships with her:
Carrie: In three months I’ll still be dating Sebastian. I know long-distance can be challenging.
Larissa: Sorry, but the moment that taut, muscular Goldilocks packed his bags, that relationship was doomed.
Carrie:You’re wrong about me and Sebastian. We’re gonna be--
Larissa: You’re gonna be the exception, yeah. That’s what everyone says. But first it’s a few missed calls. Then it’s a few missed weekends. Then, you’re not bothering to call at all.
Carrie: Well, that’s not gonna be us.
Larissa: Or worse, one of you moves for the other.
Carrie: Why would that be worse? That would be great.
Larissa: Mnh-mnh. Moving puts way too much pressure on the relationship. After that, they start resenting you for every little thing that goes wrong….
Carrie: Well, both of us are still in high school, so I don’t think either one of us will be moving anywhere for each other.
Larissa: So then it’s the slow ride into no relationship for you two. That’s a shame.
Long Distance Relationship by Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D.A map of the greater Boston area where I lived in 1993-94; my fiancé was in Houston at the time.
For better and for worse, my life has included four school years and a summer of a long distance relationship mostly during college with my then boyfriend/fiancé whom I eventually married and divorced. I spent years dealing with the negative comments about long distance relationships from others similar to the conversation quoted above. It was truly discouraging to have to deal with the negativity. I was told over and over again that long distance relationships never work. Some of my ex’s family made it very clear they didn’t want us to continue dating long distance because it was not “appropriate” for people as young as we were. Almost everyone else had a story to warn us about: the cheating, the growing apart, the difficulties in making it work, etc. No one seemed to have anything positive, helpful, or encouraging to say about long distance relationships.

The general population has some good points on this one. Long distance relationships are hard. There’s no question about that. If a couple isn’t meant to be, a long distance relationship where you no longer have physical or sexual interactions occurring regularly will cause relationships that are only built on physical chemistry to implode really quickly. The reality, though, is that the vast majority of those relationships would have ended eventually. The trial of the distance simply speeds up the breakup. My first college roommate was dating her high school boyfriend long distance for the first few weeks of school. She went home to visit one weekend and found condoms in the glovebox in his truck; she was on the pill so they no longer used condoms. That was the end of what was already a very unhealthy relationship that wouldn’t have lasted for long anyway. The physical distance just helped bring about a swifter end.

For me, the reality of the long distance relationship wasn’t what I’d expected. It was hard and painful, but it was doable. Neither of us was tempted to cheat, and our growth really continued along a similar pattern at that point in our lives. We were two bright, intelligent and communicative people. We turned to letter writing and eventually email to fill the distance. Phones existed, though the amount we spent on long distance bills (especially for the two years they were at higher in-state rates) was unbelievable. I often wonder how different things would have been for us in today’s day and age of cell phones with unlimited long distance and texting for $25 a month!

The bigger problem for us with long distance was something that I didn't see then but which actually was a huge red flag that would play out later in our relationship. Hindsight is always much closer to 20/20 than the present moment! The problem was that my ex actually didn’t mind the distance between us. He liked having a girlfriend who only stopped by once a month. He got all of the perks of a romantic relationship but far less responsibility or the feeling of being tied down. The space between us was actually an asset that never bothered him much. For me, however, it was devastating to be apart from him so much. I hated that I was always the third of fifth wheel in the group of friends I hung out with because my boyfriend was in another city or state. In retrospect, I realize that the long distance relationship actually may have kept us together rather than breaking us apart like it did for many others. The freedom my ex got during those long distance years was exactly what he needed even though it was horrid for me. Twenty years later when we ended our marriage, he was actually very excited about having his own place again whereas I was initially not happy about the idea of living alone. For all the horror stories and warnings people felt all too free to give us about long distance relationships, no one warned us that it might help keep us together when we might have been better breaking up!

Long distance relationships are hard. If there was another option, I wouldn’t advise people to choose the long distance except for short time periods or extreme circumstances. However, couples have been engaging long distance relationships for millenia: Military personnel and their spouses are a prime example. The bottom line is that long distance relationships are just not fun. The hot passion of reunions is fabulous, but the price to pay for it is just not enough to compensate for the pains of absence. A long distance relationship will help a couple discover the weaknesses of their relationship at a much faster pace than they would otherwise discover those issues. But when you take into account how many relationships break up over the course of a lifetime, both before and after marriage, a relationship ending during a time of long distance is not that much of a surprise. Long distance relationships just get a bad reputation for the wrong reasons.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

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The Wound is the Place

5/16/2015

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The wound is the place where the Light enters you. ~Rumi
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Therapy by Proxy

5/16/2015

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Therapy by Proxy by Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D.three black opals in a ring box
It’s often posited that our souls travel in soul groups: We reincarnate repeatedly with the same people, often the ones we love the most. We change our roles with those people, though. Sometimes we might be a man, sometimes we might be a woman, sometimes we might be lovers, sometimes we might be parents or sometimes we might be children. My ex-husband in this life was a friend of one of my lovers in our most recent past lives; one of my sons was a lifelong friend in that life; my parents were the same souls as in this life. My mentor and I also suspect that I have been a mother to my ex-husband in a past life, but I have not yet seen details of that life. No matter what our relationships in past lives, our roles may change in current or future lives. We retain our soul level love but we change the dynamics of our relationship to meet the needs of a particular incarnation.

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve had some amazing past life experiences involving one particular platonic friend whom I’ll call Andy for anonymity purposes. When using atlantisite, I saw a Native American past life we had shared together many centuries ago in what is now known as Wyoming. In that life, Andy and I were young lovers of the same sexes we are now. We were engaged but were not formally bound to each other, and that became an issue for me after his death. We were out gathering berries or herbs or something on a hillside away from our tribe’s camp when he collapsed. I was left in a horrid quandary: Abandon my lover in pain as he lay dying to get help or stay with him and watch him die. I chose the latter, and he died in my arms within an hour.

When I shared this information with Andy in this life, he and I began a running joke of him cajoling me, “I can’t believe you let me die!” and me teasing him, “I can’t believe you wouldn’t go see the medicine man! Typical man!” Despite our joking about the situation, there were deep wounds from that past life which had stayed with our souls and which were playing out in this life. Andy follows the beliefs of a spiritual teacher who argues that we shouldn’t investigate our past lives but should instead deal with the issues in front of us in this life. On one hand, I see the logic in that. Past lives that come up in spiritual work usually do so because we have deep and powerful work to do regarding them. It’s not the fun experience that most people expect when they start looking for their past lives. However, I believe that if we are shown past lives, we are meant to work through the issues that they bring up. Thus, Andy even agreed that this past life issue was sitting before him in the present life in the form of me, and so we had to deal with the issues that seemed related to different health problems both of us were having.

The first thing that came up between us was a spiritual cord joining our gallbladders. Cords are connections that we make when we want to bind a person to us, usually not in a healthy way. They join us across time and space to others' souls. These cords can be means of draining energy from others; they can also cause emotions to be felt by the person on the other end of the cord. All of the cords which I have found on my spiritual body were ones placed by toxic abusers or for unhealthy reasons. They needed to be cut through energy work so that the burden they entailed could be removed. In this particular case, the spiritual cord was one that my soul had created when Andy’s former incarnation was dying. I didn’t want him to leave me, so out of desperation, I tried to bind us across the ages. The cord served no healthy purpose for us, and so we agreed it was time to remove it. Both Andy and I are healers in this life in different professions. Our varying skills and metaphysical gifts have complemented each other well as we worked to heal our past lives together. In the case of cutting the cord between our gallbladders, it was Andy who did most of the energetic work after I had seen the visions which helped us locate the cord. Subsequent to seeing the cord and its removal, I was shown that both Andy and I need to work with red poppy flower essence and with black opal. Both of us began using them, but not much happened.

Nine months later, I received more insight about Andy and me during meditation. I called him and told him that we both HAD to make using red poppy a priority so that we could heal whatever needed to heal. The time was now ripe to do so. Andy is used to my crazy visions and impulses, and he knows that I’m almost always right in what I see. As a result of what I’d seen during this message from higher powers, Andy and I booked a session with my mentor (who also happens to be a client of his) so that we would have a neutral third party to assist in the healing session that needed to happen between us. This turned out to be an excellent idea on Andy’s part as having a third person involved in the healing ceremony greatly facilitated our healing as individuals and as a past life couple. She was able to direct each of us when we needed to do individual work and weren’t in a place to devote attention to each other; this greatly assisted in the flow.

The result of our healing season was a powerful experience that showed the connections between Andy’s and my relationship in that particular past life with the various problems our former marriages (to others) in this life. As I worked through my resentment toward Andy for dying before we married in our past life and towards men in this life for failing to love me when and how I wanted, he worked through issues of feeling ensnared by various women in this life and that one. What ending up happening can best be described as therapy by proxy: We were able to state things to each other that we couldn’t state to others in our lives who had hurt us or whom we had hurt, especially our ex-spouses. Andy said the exact same words that my ex-husband had previously said to me, but this time I actually heard them because they were not tainted by the anger and pain of our current situations. The result was spectacular. It’s something I wish could easily be recreated for others, working with a more neutral stand-in who is in the opposite situation as them in order to find healing. I actually said at one point, "If only marriage therapy had been this easy!"

The healing that we both received during this session was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Andy experienced temporary remission from his physical pain during the session, something that never normally happened for him. There was another cord between us which we removed as we used crystals, essences and words to facilitate the process. It was still very difficult to approach some of the deep and emotionally painful issues that came up, but it helped us both to do it. Perhaps the most amazing thing I felt at one point during the session was being overwhelmed by a soul level love for Andy. If you’d asked me previously how I felt about him, I would have told you that he’s a good friend. I never would have used the word “love” to describe our relationship. However, the sensation of love was so powerful and consuming during that moment that it left me in awe. The experience gave me a much better understanding of the soul level love that we can carry for others between our lives.

I feel incredibly blessed that we were able to share this healing session in this life when we were friends and not romantic partners. The distance between us let us heal deep past wounds with each other and others. Andy’s current romantic partner is another close friend of mine; she is someone he has introduced to my soul family. While I haven’t had previous incarnations with her, I can definitely see having future ones with her. Because of her love for both of us and her desire for both of us to heal, she gave her blessing for us to engage in this healing session together. I could see another woman not being so willing to facilitate this kind of work with past-life partners and responding with jealousy or worse. Instead, she gifted us with the ability to work together as friends to find past life healing.

Since then, I’ve since seen two other past lives with Andy, neither of which required major healing. In one, a life in an Aztec community many centuries ago, he was physically and emotionally abusive to me; I was mentally ill and treated him terribly as well. We simply need to forgive each other so we could move forward with our healing in other ways. The other past life was one in Native American days in what we now know as Wisconsin in which we only played tangential roles in each other's life. When I first met Andy’s father in this life, I had that d
éjà vu feeling that I already knew him. When I checked with my guides, they confirmed that Andy's current father had been Andy’s and my child in another past life. However, the guides refused to give me any more information. I have found that unless we need information for healing, we don’t learn about past lives. If we knew all the details of all our lives, we’d likely be overwhelmed! However, when past lives surface in our healing work, moving through the issues they bring up can bring amazing healing in our present lives.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

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May Flowers

5/15/2015

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May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day. May songbirds serenade you every step along the way. May a rainbow run besides you in a sky that's always blue. And may happiness fill your heart each day your whole life through. ~An Irish Blessing
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Golden Age Thinking 

5/15/2015

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Golden Age Thinking by Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D.
The good ol’ days weren't always good, and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems. ~Billy Joel

A friend recently encouraged me to watch Midnight in Paris, and since she and I often enjoy the same movies, I checked it out from the library without even looking to see what it was about. Unfortunately, this was one instance where the friend and I differed vastly in our movie viewing tastes. Owen Wilson’s acting was horrid, and once I Googled to discover that Woody Allen was the director and writer, I immediately understood why I was hating the movie so much. I avoid Allen’s films like the plague because his style is very much not one I enjoy; I also have issues with his alleged past actions towards his daughter.

I was only able to endure the first 20 minutes or so, but early in Midnight in Paris, one of the characters discusses the idea of some people that they would be more satisfied to live in another time period:

Nostalgia is denial - denial of the painful present... the name for this denial is golden age thinking - the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one one's living in - it's a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present.
Golden Age Thinking by Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D.
We’ve all seen evidence of golden age thinking in our society. In 1999, a reality tv series called The 1900 House was popular on PBS and was followed by numerous sequels set in different eras in different countries. The basic premise was that a modern family had to live their lives exactly as they would have been lived in 1900. Even before the much-hyped series began, I didn’t see the romance in it. Perhaps it was my studies as a historian that made me all too aware of the realities of living in past eras. However, for a show of this type, The 1900 House made quite the stir in popular culture. Perhaps it was because so many people have a fascination with other eras. More recent popular internet quizzes seek to discover what era one “really should have been born in.” I know many people will obsessive over fashion from a particular previous era, and others will devotedly study the history of a particular period. As someone who believes in reincarnation and has seen many of her past lives in visions, I often wonder how much of this obsession with other eras and places is based on our past lives.

A few years ago when I was looking at a friend’s vacation pictures from Glastonbury, England, a place I’ve never visited in this life, I got hit with a terrible wave of homesickness and the thought, “I want to go home.” It was amazing and powerful. I suspect that one of my many British lives was lived in this area of England, prompting the feelings of homesickness when I viewed the photos. I also tend to like British television series and British humor better than American; one person accused me of a Britophile many years ago, something I can’t deny. I know my most recent past life in England was in the 1920s and 1930s, and I’ve had many issues in this life that I’ve had to work through from that life. Perhaps that is the root of my fascination with elements of English culture.

I’ve also had a great deal of dislike against Germany in this life even though I am genetically at least 30% German; one grandmother was 100% German-American. I have always hated the harsh sounds of the German language. I can’t handle watching movies about World War II, especially ones set in Germany. I’ve never seen Schindler’s List, and I never intend to. Movies of that era strike absolute terror in my heart just looking at their covers. Since exploring my past lives, I’ve discovered that I was a British agent in Germany during World War II and was exposed to many atrocities perpetrated by the Nazi regime. I also died there during the war, and my body was never returned to England. My guess is that those traumas of my past life have motivated my dislike for almost all things German in this life.

Likewise, I’ve realized that my Pinterest fantasy travel boards initially were to locations that I had lived somewhat recent lives: Oregon, Montana, Wyoming, Minnesota, Maine, New York, England, Ireland, Scotland, and France. I’ve never been to any of those places except New York in this life (and then only driving through). It makes me wonder if many people’s obsessive desires to travel to certain places are based on past lives. 

I’ve also noticed an interesting phenomenon with certain people who have a strong desire to be a from a different ethnic group or culture than their own. It’s as though they forget their own origins and become a part of that different culture which they are obsessed with. One man of European descent whom I know wants desperately to be Hispanic; he married a woman of Mexican descent and speaks Spanish as often as possible. Another woman of European descent whom I met was obsessed with all things Far Eastern. India, China, Korea, Japan: It didn’t matter. She only dated men descended from eastern Asia, and she became active in various community relations for immigrants of that area of the world. With no known trigger from this life to cause these people to obsess over another culture to the point that they changed the way they lived their lives, it makes me wonder what their recent past lives were like.

As for me, I am quite happy to be living in our current era. When people indulge in golden age thinking, I am never induced to do the same. I always have a feeling of “been there, done, that, don’t need to do it again.” Perhaps in one of the most interesting and amusing ways in which I feel like the past eras have influenced my current life, though, involved the Y2K phenomenon. Out of fear of what might happen with the computers had to face the date of January 1, 2000, many people began stockpiling basic supplies of food, water, batteries, and generators. I bought my usual food and a few extra things that week. However, what I actually stockpiled was toilet paper. The modern version of toilet paper was only invented in the 19th century, and it was in short supply during World War II. Toilet paper is a luxurious necessity of this era, one which I don’t really ever want to be without. Another friend admitted to stockpiling tampons before Y2K, something that probably didn’t dawn on me since I was pregnant for the second year in a row. Were these present day fears rooted in our past lives? It’s an interesting question to ponder.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

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Follow Your Bliss

5/14/2015

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Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls. ~Joseph Campbell
photo taken at Transfiguration Greek Orthodox Church, Austin, Texas
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Parental Pressure to Join

5/14/2015

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Parental Pressure to Join by Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D.
A popular but misguided parenting idea in our society is that parents should force their children to engage in extracurricular activities whether the kids want to participate or not to “broaden their horizons.” In my view, this is a horribly dysfunctional approach to parenting. The basic problem with this approach is that it fails to respect that children are humans who deserve to be treated as individuals with opinions, desires, and needs. While it is one thing to ensure that our children have access to extracurricular activities that they enjoy, it’s another thing altogether to force them to do things they really don’t want to do. As adults, most of us know what we like and what we don’t like. We don’t want others forcing us into activities that we don’t enjoy. Why should we do the same to our children?

When I was in middle school, my narcissistic mother got it into her distorted thinking that I *had* to join sports teams. I am not naturally athletic, nor are any of my parents or relatives. Rather, most of my lineage has two left feet and is lucky to walk without hurting ourselves! Yet despite this obvious fact, my mother had created a fantasy of her daughter as an athlete. Against my protests, she signed me up for softball through our church where I occupied the bench for most of the game and was stuck in the outfield for the inning I played so that I’d had a mandatory minimum turn in each game. My mother also signed me up to play basketball through my school where I was ridiculed by my classmates for how bad of a player I was. Again, I made a great bench warmer. After the second year, I am pretty sure the coach told her not to sign me up again because it was hopeless.

By the popular theories of parenting, these experiences in athletics should have taught me to enjoy something new or should have created positive childhood memories or given me an appreciation for athletics as my horizons were broadened. Yet 25 years later, I’m pretty sure the experiences in sports only taught me that I would never force my children to belong to an organization that they did not want to join. I have always respected their wishes. If they felt that something wasn’t for them, I would honor their opinions. All my children hate P.E. as much as their father and I did when we were younger, and none of them have joined any sports teams. That’s ok by me. They have other interests that they pursue that meet their dreams and desires.

In a similar vein, my mother decided when I was in eighth grade that I needed to take cotillion (a form of high society dance classes) at a local all-boys’ school. At the age of 12, I had absolutely zero interest in boys as members of the opposite sex. I also had no interest in dancing. Between the verbal abuse of my mother which had made it clear to me I was fat and the ridicules of my classmates for being a size 14, I had no desire to be put in a situation that would put my body on display in any way. In the one and only time I intentionally pitted my parents against each other, I asked my father to make mother back off about cotillion. I knew full well that my father hated dancing and that he never would force me to do something involving dancing. And as I expected, my father told my mother that she was not allowed to force me to attend an event at a boys’ school that I didn’t want to attend. Fortunately, the fallout between them was not nearly as dastardly as I feared.

Only a year later, my mother decided that I needed to have boys in my life so that I could start dating. This time she selected the church youth group as my mandatory “must join” activity. I flat out refused. I had no desire to join a group that included classmates from my former public grade school where I had been miserable. The high school youth group at the church had a lot of dances and athletic activities which were still of no interest to me. So I stood up to my mother, and I actually won. A few weeks later, a friend invited me to attend a co-ed discussion group at a local boys’ school (the same one that held the cotillion). This was far more up my alley: Sitting around and having intellectual conversations worked for me. Not long thereafter, I met the guy who became my future husband through the discussion group. Despite my mother’s unfounded fears that I would never find a boyfriend, when given the space to develop and explore on my own terms, I found a group that provided me with my closest friends during high school and the future father of my children.

Unless a child has become completely anti-social, parents need to take the child’s desires into account. For children who are introverts, the activities their extrovert parents might enjoy are actually terrifying for them. Likewise, just because a parent loves a particular sport doesn’t mean that their child will like it or even learn to like it. In my opinion, the best way to get children involved in extracurricular activities is to allow children to pick from a large range of things. If your child loves music, let them pick an instrument to take lessons. If your child loves to build contraptions, a robotics club might meet their needs. And even if you had dreams of taking your daughter to her dance recitals, if she shows interest in cross country, then encourage her to participate in things that make her happy. Our job as parents is not to force our children to live out our dreams: It’s to support our children in living theirs.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

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Growing Freely

5/13/2015

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 May your life be like a wildflower, growing freely in the beauty and joy of each day. ~anonymous
Indian Paintbrush
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Managing Supplements

5/13/2015

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Managing Supplements by Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D.
When my ex-husband’s grandmother was in her late 80s, her health began to fail. She complained bitterly to me on one visit that she had to take TWO pills every day. TWO!!! For her, this was an unimaginable travesty. Given that I had to take two allergy pills daily at the age of 20, I was less than impressed by this horrific fate she was dealing with. However, it was a matter of perspective. She’d been in excellent health all of her life, but now she was facing decline. Two pills was symbolic of the end to her.

For those who deal with chronic illness, the idea of only taking two pills a day is a funny joke. Taking that few pills is no different than brushing one’s teeth: It's just a basic part of daily life. Right now, I take 13+ Western medical drug capsules per day. Then there are the supplements. Unlike Western drugs which are chemically based and therefore often quite small in size, herbal supplements are not compact. They often require multiple pills per supplement daily in order to get the necessary dose. I don’t even keep track of the total number of pills anymore, but it’s in the dozens per day. Whenever I see new practitioners, they look at my list of supplements and immediately declare, “You are taking too many things.” However, once we review the list and I tell them what each supplement is for and what side effects I have when I stop it, they agree that I shouldn't mess with the system I have going which helps keep my body relatively stable and decreases my pain levels.

Managing all of those supplements requires a system of organization that most individuals with health issues work out after a while. Opening a dozen bottles at every meal each day gets tedious. The typical pill keepers on the market are meant for someone taking only a few small Western drugs per day. They’re pretty pointless for someone using large numbers of herbal supplements. Early in my illness, a fellow patient showed me her technique for managing pills: An organizer she found at the hardware store for sorting nuts, bolts, and nails. I picked a similar plastic box organizer (pictured above), and it has become vital to my supplement management. These can be found at craft stores, organizer stores, hardware stores, and superstores. My supplement doses change regularly, so I prefer not to mete out more than five days at a time lest I have to redo them. On every fifth day, though, I sit down and listen to music for 15 minutes while I fill my supplement box. As I fill the box, I try to integrate mindfulness meditation into the process: I remember consciously what each supplement is for, and I ask for help in achieving its goal.

Keeping track of the doses of each supplement is also a task when one’s mind is filled with brain fog. My practitioners taught me to write the dose on the lid or label using a permanent marker. However, for those with chemical sensitivities, it’s often difficult to tolerate the chemicals in markers. An alternate solution is to write the dose on self-adhesive labels and stick them on the lid or bottle. I also keep an up-to-date list of supplements on my computer with doses so that whenever I see a new practitioner, I can simply print out my list of supplements and say “see attached” rather than trying to remember and cram everything onto two small lines on an application form. 

Chronic illness affects every aspect of a person’s life. Taking supplements becomes an integral part of life, one that can often seem like a burden. Finding ways to make the process a little easier can help relieve some of the resentment one feels about needing assistance in order to be semi-functional.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC
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Their Songs Never Cease

5/12/2015

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A few minutes ago every tree was excited, bowing to the roaring storm, waving, swirling, tossing their branches in glorious enthusiasm like worship. But though to the outer ear these trees are now silent, their songs never cease. ~John Muir
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"You Complete Me"

5/12/2015

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There's something depressing about a young couple helplessly in love. Their state is so perfect, it must be doomed. They project such qualities on their lover that only disappointment can follow. ~Roger Ebert

A few months ago, I watched
Jerry Maguire with my older kids. When the movie was first released in 1996 when I was 22 and a relative newlywed, I thought it was funny and romantic. This time around, my perspective was very different. Instead of seeing Jerry and Dorothy as a great couple, I saw them as two very damaged individuals who were making a big mistake in entering a relationship with each other. The movie’s (possibly) most romantic moment, shown below in a video clip, is when Jerry declares his love to Dorothy by telling her, “You complete me.”

Our culture is attached to this very distorted idea that we can complete someone else. Romantic relationships are supposed to help us find our other half, or in joking terms, our better half. We are supposed to find the magical person who helps us become better than we already are. Without them, we are incomplete. Unfortunately, creating this kind of unrealistic expectation lays the groundwork for dysfunctional relationships. We expect our significant others to be miracle workers who will magically improve us while we simultaneously are able to fulfill everything they need to be better people, too. As our astounding relationship grows, it becomes the epitome of perfection. We are the perfect couple because we complete each other.

And yet somehow this amazing relationship often ends up in divorce court. It turns out we don’t actually complete each other. What we often do is that we bring our individual flaws into a relationship where we can continue to grow in combination as each of us play off of the others’ weaknesses and strengths. We manage to pick partners whose family relationships and life experiences will complement our own so that we can continue to learn the lessons we are meant to learn in this life. Eventually, we realize that our dream partners aren’t whom we thought they were. They are not the ones to complete us.

So how do we find the person who actually completes us? We look inside. The only person who can make us whole is our own selves. We are the ones who can love ourselves. We can grow. We can change. We can become whomever we want to be (within realistic expectations, of course. There’s no chance of me becoming an NBA player any time soon). Rather than looking for someone else to fix us, it is up to each of us to do our own work. That work can and often does involve our romantic partners. We can grow and learn with each other. However, it’s when we expect our partners to fill in the holes within us that we enter the world of dysfunction. If we can’t be something we want to be, we can’t expect someone else to be it for us. Some people even shove this unhealthy expectation onto their children when their partners fail to complete their unrealistic dreams.

If I had to make a guess on Dorothy and Jerry’s romance, I’d say that they are likely to be in marriage therapy within a few years and divorced soon after. They both are individuals bringing in mountains of baggage and expecting that the other will somehow make all those issues suddenly disappear in their “completeness” as a couple. In reality, they are setting themselves up for heartbreak: When the novelty of the relationship wears off, they will instead find themselves even more broken and incomplete than before.


© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

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Snake Medicine

5/11/2015

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Snakes are sometimes perceived as evil, but they are also perceived as medicine. If you look at an ambulance, there's the two snakes on the side... the caduceus, or the staff of Hermes. The two snakes going up it... means that the venom can also be healing. ~Nicolas Cage
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Fixing Gray Hair

5/11/2015

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Fixing Gray Hairs by Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D.donated ponytail from my haircut in March 2015
God hath given you one face, and you make yourselves another. ~Hamlet in Hamlet by William Shakespeare

Old age is the verdict of life. ~Amelia Barr


A recent ad on Pinterest reads, “Fast fix for gray hair.” This simple statement implies that gray hair is broken or wrong in some way and needs to be fixed, yet gray hair is natural. In men, it’s often a sign of distinguishment and age, but for women, it’s a problem to be fixed. Why does our society promote this double standard between the sexes? I certainly don’t have the answer, but I know the societal problem is real and extremely widespread.

I got my first gray hair when I was pregnant with my youngest at age 28. I was standing in the master bathroom when I spied it in the mirror. My then-husband walked in the room, and I asked him, “Is that a gray hair?” He looked carefully, and then walked back out of the bathroom without saying a word. That gave me my answer! I talked about it with my midwife and her intern at my next visit. They confirmed for me that yes, it was a gray hair. The midwife asked me when my mother got her first gray hair. I had no idea. I told her that my mother dyed her hair with the awful-smelling toxic ammonia-based hair colors for as long as I could remember. My midwife pointed out that that was my answer as to when she first started going gray.

Twelve years later, I have a lot more than just one gray hair. My photos don’t often show the gray as it still blends well, but in person, there’s no missing it. My chemical sensitivities prevent me from dyeing my hair because even the natural dyes often contain less than tolerable ingredients for the chemical sensitive. I’m sure I’d look ridiculous with henna, too. But the bottom line isn’t that I can’t dye my hair: It’s that I don’t want to. My gray hairs are part of whom I am. They’re a mark of age. They show that I’m human. I’ve earned every one of those gray hairs, and I don’t want to get rid of them even if I could dump chemicals on my head.

Society isn’t as kind about gray hairs. I only have a few friends who don’t think that dyeing their hair is mandatory. They don’t want to look older than they are. These normally green living women aren't willing to face the way they look. They bow to society’s pressure to try to look younger than they really are. In the dating market especially, looking older is not considered a benefit for a middle-aged woman. Even though some of these friends are financially strapped, they still find the money for touch ups every three weeks along with regular coloring sessions. It’s not something they consider optional or a luxury.

I think a lot of the fear behind gray hairs eventually trickles down to a fear of dying. The older we get, we get closer to death at least according to a statistical perspective. For me, worrying about death seems kind of pointless. It’s going to happen whether we want it to or not. Rather than worrying about dying, I’d rather focus on living. Now that I’m almost 41, living with gray hairs doesn’t seem like a bad thing. Instead, it seems to be a privilege, a symbol of survival. One of my most recent past lives ended at the age of 23 or so, though I managed to pack a lot of living into those years. However, given the option, a few gray hairs don’t seem like that high of a price for a longer life!

When our society as a whole stops seeing gray hairs as something to be fixed, a lot will change. We will begin accepting ourselves and each other for who we actually are. Superficial things like hair color will no longer matter as we pick mates or apply for jobs. I'm not sure which will be the cause and which will be the effect in terms of gray hairs being seen normal and greater acceptance at large, but I look forward to a day when our culture has evolved enough to accept people exactly as they are, beautiful in their own ways.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

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A Beautiful Mother 

5/10/2015

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We have a beautiful mother Her teeth The white stones at the edge of the water the summer grasses her plentiful hair. ~Alice Walker
photo taken at the Texas State Cemetery, Austin, Texas
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When Mother’s Day Hurts

5/10/2015

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When Mother's Day Hurts by Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D.
Back sometime between 1995 and 1998, I was a subscriber to Austin’s only daily newspaper which I read thoroughly (except for the business, sports, and classified sections). One year on Mother’s Day, there was a huge article with several large photos in the lifestyle section. The piece described a woman whose three children had been murdered by their father, her ex-husband. I was horrified. I didn’t understand how the paper thought that was an appropriate article to run on a day like Mother’s Day. In hindsight, I understand all too well.

Despite the greeting card and flower vendors’ cheerful endorsements of Mother’s Day which falls on the second Sunday of May each year in the U.S., not everyone finds the day to be one of celebration. For many people, Mother’s Day is filled with painful memories and/or current stress. The reality is that not everyone loves their mothers. Many have endured abusive relationships with our mothers, and thanking them for the “care” they provided for their children seems hypocritical at best. Some people are estranged from their mothers: Sometimes gratefully and sometimes with a lot of pain still attached to the separation. Our society provides a lot of support around divorcing a spouse, but there’s almost nothing there for those who decide to “divorce” a parent.

Other people were blessed enough to have wonderful mothers in this life, but those mothers have died. For those whose mothers aren’t here to celebrate because of death, the day can be horribly painful for surviving children, especially in the first years after their mothers’ deaths. While it will not eliminate the pain of the loss, sometimes doing something to celebrate the deceased woman can greatly help ease the discomfort of this holiday. Making your mother’s favorite meal, going to her favorite park, making a donation to her favorite charity… all of these are great ways to remember a mother. In my belief system, our deceased relatives are aware of us and our prayers, so I believe if you send thoughts to your late mother, she will hear them. It’s never too late to tell someone you love them, even if you aren’t able to hear them say it back.

If you are feeling particularly giving, know that there are always people in nursing homes who are terribly lonely on holidays. Either their children live far away, they have no descendants, or they’ve been abandoned by family. Regardless of the reasons why, these people can always use company, but especially on holidays when others have visitors and they do not. Most nursing homes will be happy to pair you with someone who would love to have you show up with a flower in hand and a willingness to talk for a while. (Please note that food gifts are not always the best with the elderly due to health-restricted diets.) If you don’t have a mother of your own to visit, know that there are many other women who could symbolically stand in her place.

For others, Mother’s Day is painful because they have had miscarriages or have lost a child (or even multiple children) to death. This is especially true when the child who has died was the firstborn but no subsequent siblings have been born. The women in these situations know in their hearts that they are mothers, but they don’t have children here to celebrate with them. Our society is less certain about whether these women are mothers, and people often don’t know how to handle the bereaved mothers. As is our society’s dysfunctional tendency, the usual result is that bereaved mothers are ignored on Mother’s Day (not to mention the other days of the year).

For many women, Mother’s Day is a dagger in their heart because they are suffering from infertility. They desperately want to be mothers, but they are not able to for whatever reasons. To see motherhood glorified all around them can make the women enduring infertility feel even more hurt than they already are by the traumas of infertility.

For biological mothers who have put their children up for adoption, Mother’s Day can also create a great deal of pain. While the choice to let another woman become a mother when one is not able to raise a child oneself is an amazing gift, the child that the biological mother gave up will always be in her heart. For some women, Mother’s Day may be a day of “what ifs” and mourning because they are not with their biological child even if they know they’ve made the best decision. For others, it may be a day of regret for making the choice they did.

Thirteen years ago when my twins were still toddlers, I attended Mass at a friend’s Catholic church on Mother’s Day. In what I’m sure the planners thought was a beautiful ceremony, all of the mothers were encouraged to come forward and receive a carnation at the end of the service. I was horrified. I knew that at least one of the women in the congregation had to want to be up in the front but she wasn’t able to be for some reason. While it’s one thing to pray a special blessing over those in the congregation who’ve given life to others, it’s another thing to bring them to the front so that all the non-mothers stood out like sore thumbs among the sea of men. In a probably unnoticed act of solidarity, I refused to go forward even though I had a toddler in my arms.

For me personally, Mother’s Day used to be a painful day. I am estranged from my narcissistic mother by choice. I haven’t seen her in 22+ years. I don’t miss that particular woman at all, but part of me will always miss the fantasy of the healthy loving mother whom I never had. For many years, I used Mother's Day as a time to pay tribute to the women who were mentors for me and who provided me with healthier role models of what women should be like; they played a role in mothering me in when my own mother could not. I also had many years where Mother’s Day was a painful reminder to me that I had lost a child. I now choose to focus on the beauty of the children who are with me, though it took many years for me to get there. I’m grateful that I can now find joy in the celebration of being a mother, but on Mother’s Day, my thoughts and prayers are always with those for whom it’s a day of pain.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

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False Friendship

5/9/2015

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False friendship, like the ivy, decays and ruins the walls it embraces; but true friendship gives new life and animation to the object it supports. ~Richard Burton
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The Absence of Maternal Love

5/9/2015

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The Absence of Maternal Love by Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D. (The toxic legacy of narcissistic mothers.)
Many popular memes and quotes assert ideas about the amazing, boundless love of mothers for their children. A sampling from the internet turns up:
  • “The love of a mother and her child is like none other.” ~Vicki Reece 
  • “A daughter is just a little girl who grows up to be your best friend.”
  • “The memories that a mother leaves are cherished forever.” 
  • “No matter how old you get, a mother’s love is still a real comfort.” ~Stephanie Linus
  • “A mother’s love is the heart of a family.”
  • “A mother’s love is instinctual, unconditional, and forever.” ~Revathi Sankaran
  • “A mother is your first friend, your best friend, your forever friend.”
  • “A mother’s love is endless.”
  • “The love between a mother and daughter is forever.”
  • “Being a mother doesn't mean being related to some
  • one by blood. It means loving someone unconditionally and with your whole heart.”
  • “A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. It dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.” ~Agatha Christie
  • “The love of a mother for her child is undeniably the strongest emotion in the soul.”  ~Sandy Richards
  • “Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible.” ~Marion C. Garretty 
  • “A mother’s love is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking. It never fails or falters even though the heart is breaking.” ~Helen Steiner Rice

These sayings are true… except when they’re not. Unfortunately, for the children of narcissistic mothers, they’re often just myths, and reading quotes like these may just amplify a pain in their hearts for the loss they've experienced in life. They've never had the experience of having a truly loving and giving mother.

No mother is perfect: They’re all human. All mothers make mistakes. However, the issues that exist between narcissistic mothers and children, though, aren't simply matters of misunderstanding or parent-child conflict. They run far deeper. This is because people with narcissistic personality disorder are unable to love others in an unconditional way. Instead, their love is self-oriented: Narcissists see other people, including their children, as existing to meet their own needs. The narcissists simply don’t have the emotional ability to love others as they need and deserve to be loved.

The Dalai Lama has written, “Love is the absence of judgment.” For the children of narcissists, they may never have experienced true love. Instead, they’ve felt a painful and conditional set of demands from mothers who disrespect the children’s needs. As these children grow, their own relationships with their spouses will often suffer unless a great deal of personal growth and therapy is involved. Because the children have been involved in toxic parental relationships all their lives, they may not recognize what a healthy love looks like, and instead, they will marry or partner with others who will continue the judgmental pattern of “love” that began with narcissistic mothers in childhood.

As Mother’s Day approaches, the plethora of praise of mothers will be abundant in the social media world, and those words may add more pain to already deep wounds. For those who are seeking to heal their own wounds, I highly recommend the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. This work examines the toxic legacy of which narcissistic mothers create in their daughters. A great deal of the book is oriented towards those who are still in toxic relationships with their mothers or who want to maintain relationships with their mothers despite the emotional abuse they perpetrate. Only a small portion of the book acknowledges the option of ending a relationship with a narcissistic maternal abuser (as I personally chose to do). However, reading this book was an eye-opening experience for me, helping me realize that I wasn’t alone in the world of narcissistic abuse and how it influenced my life, my career, and my former marriage. I’ve since recommended the book to many other women who have narcissistic mothers, and most of them had the same response: “It’s not just me!”

This Mother’s Day, if you aren’t experiencing the love that our Judeo-Christian society dictates is necessary for children to feel for parents, remember that love is a two way street. In relationships with narcissistic abusers, you are under no obligation to praise those who may have hurt you. Finding peace with those abusers and with yourself for what you’ve experienced in life can go a long way towards a happier life. You never have to condone what the narcissists have done to you, but understanding how and why they treat(ed) you the way they do/did can make it easier to respond to them from a place of compassion. In turn, this will help you find a place of peace rather than living in a state of pain, fear or anger.

© 2015 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., Green Heart Guidance, LLC

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